"Ma'am, bukas na po ba talaga ang pasahan?" Napahinto ako sa pagsusulat sandali.
Isinantabi ko ang ballpen saka umangat ang tingin sa estudyanteng naghahangad ng extension para sa deadline ng pinapagawa ko.
I gave her a small smile as I nodded my head slowly. Nanlumo ang kanyang mukha, katulad ng kung paano mawala ang inaasam na bagay. Massaging the back of her neck and giving me a tired look, she once again voiced everything out with courage.
"Sure na talaga, ma'am? Baka hindi ako makapasa bukas kasi magbabantay pa po ako ng alaga namin." Still, I didn't consider her reason.
Napabuntong hininga ako saka umiling.
"My decision is final. You can pass to me your work but don't expect that I will give you a high grade." Kinuha ko iyong record nila. I opened the record book and scanned for her name. "Kulang ka sa mga requirements na pinagawa ko. May na-missed kang quiz at halos lahat ng mga quizzes mo rito, mababa rin ang mga score."
"Eh, ma'am, sorry po. Susubukan ko pong makabawi next grading para makahabol po ako."
"That's better. You may go now," saad ko rito bago niya nilisan ang room na walang nagawa.
I closed my eyes firmly as if realizing that what I did was right. I am giving students the fairness when it comes to this. I am not biased or giving my full trust to the bright one.
Doon ako sa tama.
How ironic that word is.
Tinuloy ko ang ginagawa habang malalim ang iniisip. I've done my part today and I'll be going home after this. Sa kalagitnaan ng ginagawa ay bigla akong napasulyap sa pintuan.
A man stood straightly on it wearing his casual clothes while carrying a tote bag. Since he's wearing his shades, he gently removed it to free his sight and feel comfortable. Ngumisi ito sa akin. That proud smirk from him didn't threaten me enough.
Binigyan ko na lamang ito ng walang ganang mukha saka niligpit ang mga gamit. He's got a long feet so it's easy for him to approach me that fast. Nilapag nito ang dala sa mesa ko ng walang seremonya.
"Ano na naman?" I asked tiredly.
"Sungit mo naman palagi, ate. Hindi ka naman ganyan dati, ah?" Umupo ito sa armchair. Dumekwatro na parang pag-aari niya iyon saka ako tinignan.
"Huwag muna ngayon, Ives. I had a long day so please, no chocolates. Hindi ako tumatanggap—"
"Ha? Hindi naman chocolates dala ko, ah?" His smirk grew wider. Napasama ang tingin ko sa kanya.
Binuhat ko iyong bag saka iyong ilang piraso ng libro. May naghihintay pang gawain sa akin kapag nakauwi na. Wala akong balak na maglagi ng ilang oras dito para kay Ives.
"Uy, nag-expect si ate. Gusto mo ulit ng chocolates, ano?" He began following me outside the room as I finished locking it. Hindi ko siya pinansin.
Students are still greeting me though it's already time for going home. Simpleng pagtango lamang ang iginawad ko sa kanila dahil sa nagmamadali na.
"Hala, hindi namamansin. Kakababa ko lang tapos ang cold ng treatment mo sa akin. Hindi ka nag-expect sa pagdating ko 'no?" Nakikisabay ito sa gilid ko. "Uy, good afternoon! Aral mabuti!"
Napailing na lang ako ulit nang sandaling batiin ako ng isang estudyante at siya ang bumati roon pabalik. Hanggang sa napadpad ako sa sakayan, hindi nito ako nilubayan. He's still pleading me that I should entertain him.
"Uuwi na ako, Ives. Please, umuwi ka na rin," pagtaboy ko rito ngunit nagmatigas pa. He handed me the tote bag and I only stared at it.
"Tanggapin mo na muna. Inuna ko pa ngang ibigay sa'yo to kaysa sa girlfriend ko. Sige na, ate. Pinaghirapan ko 'yan, eh." My eyes widened. Kumurap ako ng ilang beses dahil sa gulat.
Ives is always visiting me here at school whenever he's done working at some ship. Nakasakay na ito sa barko at kung bumababa, hindi nakakaligtaang bisitahin ako. His will to visit me on his free time is such a nice idea for him.
"Nagkagirlfriend ka na?" gulat kong tanong.
"Oh bakit parang nagulat ka pa? Ang pangit ko na ba sa paningin mo, ate?"
"Hindi naman. Nagulat lang ako."
He scoffed and then pushed the tote bag for me. Sa huli ay kinuha ko na lang iyon. It's my way to finish what he's doing now.
"Sus. Tatanggapin din pala, pinasunod mo pa ako rito," he said, teasing me as he wiggled both his eyebrows. Pinandilatan ko ito ng mata sa huli.
"Uuwi na ako. Salamat dito. Pumunta ka na sa girlfriend mo. Ingat!" Sumakay na ako sa unang tricycle na aalis. I waved at him as he did also the same thing.
Malapit lang ang bahay pero dahil may dala ako, sumakay na lang.
I am teaching to where I graduated. Nasa probinsya pa rin naman. Iyon ang kagustuhan ko saka pangarap ko simula dati kaya isang malaking karangalan na nandito ako hanggang ngayon.
Though every traumatic memory happened in here, I remained numb from all of that. I made myself brave upon conquering it. Naging mahirap ang lahat. It's still a process for me though it took me a while to finally heal my heart from the heartaches.
Gumaling lang pero ang sugat ay naroon pa rin. I healed, yes, but the pain inside me still remains.
Pinaayos ko ang bahay namin. From made of wood, it turned out into my simple dream house now. Tinupad ko lahat ng mga pangarap ko ng mag-isa. Kahit na naging mahirap ang pinagdaanan, hindi ako sumuko.
I went with the flow and I think, what I did mold me for who I am now.
Huminga ako ng malalim saka nilapag lahat ng gamit. The house is big and I live alone here.
Sumilip ang mga mata ko sa isang bahay na may kalayuan sa akin.
Like before, it is now uninhabited. Walang tao at sa tagal kong nananatili rito, walang bumisita. The owner vanished and I clearly know why he's not going here.
Kahit na minsan ay umaasa ang sarili ko na makikita ko siya sa dating laging pinupwestuhan. I don't care if he'll not talk to me. I don't care if we're strangers for each other. I still consider him as a human.
Naging matigas lang ako pero hindi ako naging masamang tao. I've changed a lot since that nightmare happened to me. Pero sa loob ko, ganoon pa rin naman ako.
I am still living as Diana Esther, the real one, the person that my parents knew.
Gumuhit ang pait sa akin nang maalala iyon. I breathed in deeply and immediately made myself be contented with my life now.
Iniisip ko na lang na nasa isa akong panaginip ngayon. That way, I can convince myself that everything is just normal. That I can still wake up as a whole.
Natupad nga ang pangarap kong magturo pero hindi ko naturuan ang sariling magpatawad. It's so hard to forgive people knowing that they once hurt you mentally. I lived my life with still questions running inside my head.
Hindi ako nagkaroon ng tyansang tanungin ang magulang ko tungkol sa buhay nila. They left me without telling me the detailed truth and now, I still get curious.
Kulang na kulang ang mga panahon.
"Ma'am, hindi ako papasok muna bukas," sabi ko kay ma'am De Jesus nang bumisita ito sa akin.
I am so thankful for her existence. Siya ang naging sandalan ko simula noon. She directed me to the positivity of life. Kaya ngayon ay narito ako sa kinatatayuan ko at balak pang mamuhay.
She nodded at my sentence. Naupo ito sa upuang nasa gilid niya. Her eyes roamed at my walls.
"Kailan ka ulit magpipinta? These are all your old paintings." Sinuri niya ang bawat isa gamit lamang ang kanyang mga mata. She's looking at it with this still admiration.
Yumuko ako dahil sa katotohanan na sinabi niya. It's true that I am not painting anymore. I lost my ability to paint beautiful scenery because I'm afraid that the colorful view might mixed with the darkness that will result for a gloomy one.
Ayokong mangyari na mas lamang iyong kadiliman at lungkot kaya tinigil ko muna. Somehow, it gave me the serenity. I was able to rest my mind for that matter. Nasanay na akong hindi nagpipinta.
"Hindi ko alam, ma'am. Siguro huwag na po muna ngayon."
"Dahil ba kay Jaeden?" Dumako na sa akin ang kanyang tingin. I looked away, pretended that it didn't affect me.
Half of me says yes, that it's because of Jaeden on why I've lost my passion for painting. I can't even paint his eyes anymore. Nagagawa kong kahit na hindi tumitig sa kanya ay saulo ko ang detalye ng kanyang mata.
It doesn't work for me anymore.
"Hindi, ma'am."
"Diana, sana dumating ang araw na mapatawad mo siya. What he did was wrong, I know. Pero sana manaig sa puso mo ang kabutihan. Magagawa mo naman iyon, hindi ba?"
I bite my lip as I sensed her almost pleading voice. Like a mother that is advising me to be good as I am.
There are so many crimes in this world. Brutal or non-brutal, everything deserves justice. Ang kaso sa magulang ko, sa sobrang kabaitan nila ay nagawang pawalain sa mundo.
They left me with nothing and that hurts the most.
"I'm looking forward for that, ma'am," tugon ko rito. My eyes went back to her and I can now see the satisfied look. She mouthed 'thank you' to me.
Kinabukasan ay nagpasya akong makipagkita sa magulang ni Jaeden. They never tolerated their son's wrongdoings. Nagpasalamat pa rin naman ako sa kanila dahil malaki ang utang na loob ko. I graduated as their scholar and I am in good terms with them.
But not like before. At naiintindihan nila ako kung ganoon ang nararamdaman ko.
I met them at sir Sean's shop. Isang mahigpit na yakap ang kanilang iginawad sa akin. I gladly accepted it as they ordered me to finally sit.
Tita Olivia looks at me gently while Tito Gael is holding his arm as he smiles at me. Magaan ang pakiramdam ko saka walang kahit anong bigat na nakapatong.
"Kumusta ka, Diana? I heard you're a teacher now," tita Olivia's voice almost whispered to me.
I bowed my head, looking at my shoes as I blinked my eyes repeatedly. Nang umangat ang tingin ko, isang ngiti lang ang kumawala sa akin.
"We are so proud of you, hija. You did everything you can. Hindi mo alam na labis kaming natutuwa sa mga naabot mo," tito Gael said, reaching for my hand to warm it up.
Tumitig ako sa kanyang mga mata. I almost gritted my teeth when I saw its resemblance to Jaeden. Para akong nakatitig sa kanyang mga mata ulit.
Tandang-tanda ko kung paano akong umiyak sa harap nila, sinasabi ang hinanakit na ayoko nang mahalin iyong anak nila kasi ang hirap na. I confessed everything to them. Na iyong ako ang gusto nila para kay Jaeden pero wala akong balak na ipagpatuloy na ang nasimulan.
Jaeden is hard to love with the attitude that he got. They never interfered with our relationship before. Walang pag-aalinlangan nilang tinanggap ang desisyon ko.
Nasayang ang ilang taon sa aming dalawa.
"Salamat po," sabi ko gamit ang mahinang boses.
"No. We thank you for doing your best. In fact, Dominique's missing you already. Naiintindihan ko kung ayaw mong pumunta sa bahay but I just want to let you know that we are willing to welcome you always. Pamilya ka na namin, Diana."
Bumuntong hininga ako.
"I am sorry tita, pero huwag po muna sa ngayon. I am hoping for that possibility."
She reached for my hand and now, she's being teary eyed. Nasa mukha nito ang kagustuhang hawakan ako. And so I let her hold me. Her hand trembles a bit and I can't do anything just to stop it.
"We understand you. Pero sana, mangyari iyon. We are always hoping for that to happen, hija."
"And I miss talking about your paintings. You know, I am willing to buy all of your works again," dugtong pa ni tito Gael, walang ideya na hindi na ako gumagawa no'n.
Jaeden's parents are grateful for me. They are like begging me to go back to their lives as Diana, not their scholar anymore. Nagmamakaawa na sana ay mabalik sa dati ang lahat.
Ang hirap lang gawin. Ang hirap bumalik sa kanila lalo na kung hindi ko sasadyaing hanapin ang presensya roon ng kanilang anak. That's too hard to accomplish.
"I don't paint anymore, tito. The paintings are still here but my passion for it is gone. I'm afraid I can't bring it back again," diretso kong sabi. They gave me a look that didn't expected my response.
Because it's hard to look at the colors with your lonely soul and face. No life. Not alive and not attractive for your eyes. Nahihirapan kang bagayan ang sarili dahil sobrang komplikadong intindihin. You won't care for how it will look like. Dahil kung anong nararamdaman mo, ganoon ang magiging kalalabasan ng gawa mo.
I can't even paint Jaeden's eyes anymore. There's nothing special about it for me now.
Tuwing natitigan ang isang asul na kulay, wala akong ibang naaalala kundi iyong kanyang mata na saulo ko dati. I learned to hate it now. I learned to give no importance to it.
Admiring it before was the greatest thing I ever did. Turns out that I can actually throw hatred at it. Naroon lahat yata ng masasakit na alaala.