Syd,
I left the meeting tonight feeling so completely awful.
Of course I understand where you're coming from, sometimes I wish I had never gotten into the Order as well. Maybe then we wouldn't be in this whole mess with Harry.
I want you to know that it was going to be you. Lily and I chose you to be the Secret Keeper but, after last night, things just felt so torn apart. And we couldn't wait any longer and I was sure you didn't want to hear from me after I had been a total arse.
I never should have let Sirius talk to you and Remus that way. I never should have let you walk out like that. I should have had your back. I'm sorry.
Obviously I don't think either of you are the spy, and neither does Lily. We trust you with our lives, always have.
Sirius feels bad as well, though he's too bloody stubborn to admit it.
I just hope you'll reconcile things with him soon, rather than being too late. Things are too fragile right now, Syd. He and Remus will never step up first, it has to be you.
Anyways, we're in hiding now. I can't say where, strict orders from Dumbledore. Please write me, though. The owls will find us.
I love you, Squid. Don't do anything I wouldn't do while I'm gone. (And definitely don't do anything that I would do).
Hi from Harry.
'Catch' you soon ;)
Jim
"Syd," came Remus's voice from the doorway that led to the living room.
I looked up and blinked back the tears that had collected in my eyes to find that Remus was holding onto a small pot, stained white and with small flowers scattered about. The plant inside of it was dead and hanging limp over Remus's other hand.
"Oh," I said quietly, placing down James's letter. "Peter's plant."
I crossed the room and took it from Remus, running my fingers along the long and darkening stem. One of the leaves fell off and drifted sadly to my feet, signifying the official end to my friendship with Peter.
"It must have died last night," I said. "When we left."
Remus placed a hand on my shoulder and I breathed sharply through my nose, straightening up and stepping away from him.
"Um, there's a letter for you on the counter," I said, motioning towards the island and wiping my left eye quickly. "It's from Lily."
Remus nodded, shoving his hand into his pocket and moving over to the table.
Our downstairs bathroom was beach themed. It had light blue walls with sea stars that were already painted when Remus and I moved in. There was a small woven trashcan next to the porcelain sink which I pulled out to the middle of the floor.
I sat down on the floor, my back leaning against a particularly large sea star, and placed the plant in front of my legs, which were criss-crossed over each other.
I wrapped my fingers over the part of the stem that was closest to the soil and tore it up, throwing it into the little trash. Then, I dug my fingers into the dirt and scooped it out too. I pushed more and more of the soil out of the pot as hot tears poured down my cheeks.
When it was empty, I rashly shoved the trash back under the sink and held the pot in my hand.
I ran my fingers along the smooth white clay, my tears falling over the little flowers.
I remembered exactly how he looked giving it to me, too.
"I made it!" He had said, with the same excitement as when he gave me the S mug for Christmas.
"Obviously it'll never die," I whispered with a hollow laugh. "What an idiot."
I couldn't believe this was it.
Movies in the common room, sharing History of Magic answers, dancing drunk on tables, partnering in cup pong, deep talks, wizard's chess, late night snacks. It was all for nothing. It was all gone in a day.
My heart had been shattered so many times. With Theo, after Hope, after Marlene. But Peter was always there, waiting to listen, waiting with ice cream, waiting with a jumper.
My heart wasn't shattered now. It was hollow. It was empty. It was filled with a feeling like lava, hot and thick and angry.
The feeling like lava dripped from my eyes, streaming down my cheeks and off my chin. It fed through my veins, burning all ends of my body and leaving me charred and weak.
I spun the pot around in my hand as the feeling like lava leaked achingly through my chest. I lifted the polished item up and then smashed it into the tile beside me so hard that all of the little flowers shot away from each other on their own, isolated shards.
And I cried so hard that my shoulders shook. I cried so hard that my head slammed back against the particularly large sea star on the wall. I cried so hard that the feeling like lava drained entirely from my chest, leaving me dark and cold and empty.
Remus spun quickly into the doorway.
"Are you alright?" He asked breathlessly. "I heard a crash."
I shoved my hand into my jumper pocket and pulled out my wand.
"Reparo," I whispered, and all of the little flowers shot back together.
I picked up the pot and pushed myself to my feet.
"Syd, you're bleeding," Remus said. I pushed the pot, which now had a slash of red coating one section of the little flowers, into his hands.
"Yeah," I said, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. "I'll take care of it."
I brushed past Remus and back through the kitchen. I pushed open the glass door in the back, leaving another red mark from my bleeding palm, and tracked down the shoddy wooden steps. My bare feet slipped through the sand until I was at the water's edge, and I sat down once more.
The waves washed up slowly, barely reaching my folded legs before sliding back out to sea. As one of them rushed up, I stuck my hand out and let the water sink into the gash across my palm.
It stung. The salt mixed poorly with the open wound, shooting a flashing pain across my entire hand. But I didn't care.
I did it twice more until the pain subsided to mere tingling, and then Remus sat down beside me.
"What'd Lily say?" I asked dryly, my eyes trained to the slash across my hand.
"Said she tore into Sirius after we left," Remus answered. "That he stepped way over the line."
I nodded and laughed a little.
"She tell you that we were supposed to be the Secret Keeper?" I asked.
"Yeah," Remus said quietly, picking up handfuls of sand and letting it fall through his fingers. "She did."
"Do you know who they picked instead?" I asked softly.
"Probably Sirius," Remus said. I nodded slowly.
The waves continued washing up and back and up and back, and I continued to let them wash over my hands. Small scales popped through my wrists as the water contacted them. I pushed up the sleeves of my jumper to leave more of my arms vulnerable, too.
"Something else," Remus said quietly. I knew it was coming.
"Who was it?" I said, looking up for the first time. Remus inhaled slowly, his face solemn and sad.
"Dorcas," he said. "Voldemort found her himself."
I nodded again and turned back to the water.
Dorcas had made quite the ruckus after Marlene died. She went on a bit of a spree, capturing dozens of Death Eaters and openly denouncing Voldemort in public interviews. It was only a few short days, but she had surely gone a little over the edge by anyone's standards.
No one could blame her, of course, and she was actually getting quite a bit of praise.
Which must be why she was personally hunted down.
I thought I would feel the lava, feel the darkness, feel the insanity, feel the way my body typically failed.
But I didn't.
At this point, it was just death after death. Death of friends, of friendship, of plants. Everything and everyone died.
"Just you and me," I said, my voice bland and hurt.
Remus reached over and tucked my hair behind my ear.
"It's not so bad," he said.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested the side of my head on them so that I was facing Remus.
In the morning sun, his features were softened. He was beginning to tan a bit as the summer neared its peak, and the added sunlight soaked into his pink scars, making them whiter and more prominent across his cheeks. He smiled slightly, tipping his head sideways to line up with mine.
"No," I said, lifting my head back up and smiling a little, too. "It's not so bad."
Remus held out one hand and I accepted it. We both stood to our feet and walked back to our house, fingers laced permanently together.
In the kitchen, I swung open the cupboard beside the window and pulled down a glass mug, stained white with a light blue 'S'. I placed it on the counter, next to where Remus had left the little pot, and walked to the closet where Remus and I kept the empty boxes from when we moved in.
I brought one smaller box back to the kitchen and set it on the chair. I tore off the jumper I had on, realizing it was the one Peter had pulled over my head when I emerged from the water, and folded it neatly, fitting it along the bottom of the box. I then placed both of the glass pieces on top and closed the cardboard flaps.
I carried the box back to the closet and pushed it carefully onto one of the middle shelves.
Remus came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder.
"Maybe I'll need them again," I said softly, spinning around in his hold so that I was facing him. He kissed my forehead.
"Best to save them," he agreed.
I smiled and kissed his cheek before breaking from his grasp and walking back to the kitchen.
I grabbed a quill and a roll of parchment and sat down in one of the stools at the island.
Dear James,
You're right. You were a total arse last night.
But it'll take a hell of a lot more than that to get rid of me.
We probably shouldn't have sprung that announcement on you all. I suppose it was a bit of a big deal, all things considered with Harry.
It was my idea to leave. After Marlene died, it really settled in for me how dangerous everything is right now. We've all lost so much, and with you and Lily going into hiding, I didn't think I could handle losing Remus, too.
I got him into the Order. If he died because of it I would never forgive myself.
You and Peter are the only ones that would be able to get me out of a hole like that, and you won't be around. And Peter, well Peter seems to have chosen his side.
We're supposed to be kids. We're supposed to be going for drinks and teaching Harry swear words to piss off Lily and our biggest problems are supposed to be our bosses, not our friends dying.
I wish things were normal. I wish Sirius wasn't lashing out to mask his fear. I wish Pete still trusted me. I wish I had hugged you goodbye.
I miss you so much already.
I hope you're safe. I hope you all stay safe.
Don't stop writing, please.
Hi to Harry.
Catch you soon.
Squid
______
A/N
okay no bc this wasn't even the worst chapter and I was crying while writing the letters omfg
song: moral of the story - ashe & niall
how it applies: trying to come to terms with heartbreak... also just nialls whole verse