Mid-terms hit hard over the next couple of weeks and everyone I know is pulling long days at the library to try and get enough studying done for them.
It's pretty exhausting and between both of our work schedules on top of college, Josh and I don't manage to see each other much. We occasionally grab lunch together when we can and stay over at each other's once or twice each, but that's it.
Honestly, I'm a little nervous about sharing a bed with Josh since I got carried away and he got scared. I terrified to push him too far or to accidentally make him uncomfortable.
The times we do sleep over, we keep it pretty PG, but I think that's mostly me holding back.
I just struggle to figure out exactly how to handle the obvious sexual tension between us, while balancing it with the fact that he might not be ready, even if he seems it.
He's been through enough and the last thing he needs is to feel pressured by his girlfriend into sex. So, I try to keep a lid on it.
Except, of course, it doesn't quite work like that. Joshua Zaki is nothing if not perceptive.
It's the night after our last mid-terms and although there was some vague chat about a wild night out to celebrate our freedom, we're both a bit tired. So, we're lying in Josh's bed, watching yet another episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
I appeased Anandi by telling her that we'll go out this weekend instead. It's only Thursday, after all. During exam time, we don't have practice, so we're free tonight.
I'm curled up against Josh with my head on his shoulder and his arm around my waist, enjoying just lying next to him and being in his presence. It's been hard, not having a lot of time with him lately. I've never been particularly clingy, but it's been hard trying to be there for him from a distance. I think he's always found physical contact a source of comfort.
Ironic, really. Pretty heartbreaking too.
As the episode ends, Josh lets out a quiet huff and extracts himself from me slowly.
I lay my head down on the pillow and gaze at him as he props himself up on his elbow.
"So, are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" he asks quietly, eyes scrutinising me.
I wrinkle my nose. "What do you mean?"
Josh reaches out with his free hand and tugs on my hair lightly. "Well, at first I thought you were off because you were stressed about your mid-terms, but they're over now and you're still acting weird. Something's going on. What is it?" His words might seem harsh but his tone is soft and his eyes are tender.
I break the eye contact and sigh. "Nothing's really going on, Josh. I'm just tired."
He doesn't buy it for a second. "Okay, let me rephrase my question then. Why have you been turning a little awkward every time we get into bed together lately? Like you don't want anything physical."
Ah.
It's not that I want to lie to Josh, or hide anything from him, but I honestly just don't know how to bring it up. You can't just casually tell your boyfriend you're a bit worried that he might think you're trying to pressure him into sex.
But, I know that he deserves the truth. Clearly, he's been picking up on the signs for a while and has been waiting for me to say something.
So, I pull my big girl panties on and take a deep breath. "Just don't want to push you into something that you might not be ready for. I don't want you to think that I'm just, like, desperately waiting for you to be ready, or whatever. I just want you to make the move, at your own pace, and not do anything sexual with me because you think I want it."
Pain ripples in his features. "Oh, Nat," he murmurs, his hand moving from my hair to cup my face. "That's why you've been avoiding it? Because you're worried about me?"
My face burns under his touch. "I wouldn't say avoiding it necessarily," I mumble, looking away from him.
He blows out a breath, shifting so that he's sitting up, looking down at me. He brings his knees to his chest and curls his arms around them. "I don't think you could call it anything other than avoidance, Natalie."
To keep things even, I sit up too, crossing my legs and sitting right opposite him on the bed. I know he's right, that I've been avoiding it. I can't really deny it, not when he knows me so well. So, I meet his eyes again. "I just worried that I'd pressured you into it. I want you to take your time, do thing on your watch, not mine. I'll wait, you know."
Josh's smile threatens to melt my heart. "You're so patient with me that it hurts, Nat."
I press my face into my palms, because I don't know what to do. I don't know what he's trying to say, or what he actually wants.
He takes a deep breath. "I do want to have sex with you. Honestly, every time I look at you, I want to get you into bed. It's just complicated, you know? I know that you're not them. I know that it's different, with you. I'm just... trying to figure it out."
His words burn a path down from the top of my head to my core and I can feelthe heat radiating off my body.
I find the courage to look at him and he's just as affectionate as ever. Still, I don't really know what to say.
His eyebrows draw together as he regards me. "I know what you're thinking, Natalie, and it wasn't like that, I swear. What happened was me getting cold feet at the very last second. You didn't sexually assault me. That's not what that was, you hear me? I wanted it."
My throat dries up but my eyes certainly do not.
As the tears start to fall, Josh lets out a frustrated huff, reaching for me. "Will you come and sit on my lap, please?"
Sniffling, I climb onto my boyfriend's lap, my legs slotting around his waist and I bury my face into his neck, thriving under the comfort.
His arms brace around my back, drawing me in tight. "You've been beating yourself up about it for weeks, haven't you?" he mumbles brokenly.
I take a deep breath, pulling back so that I can look at him, but keeping my arms wound tightly around his shoulders. I consider my words, trying to get them right. "I wouldn't say that I was beating myself up about it a lot," I deny, thinking about the fact I've felt pretty normal around him most of the time. "It's just been when we've actually been in bed together that I've been worrying about it, you know?"
"You have to talk to me about these things, Natalie," Josh grumbles, unimpressed. "Please. I need to know what's happening up here, okay?" he taps my temple gently with his knuckle.
My hands rest on the back of his neck as I nod my assent. "Okay. I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I just didn't know how. I, uh, I also didn't want to be right," I confess quietly, shame burning my cheeks. "I know that's stupid, because if I hadbeen right, then we definitely should have been having that conversation. I just didn't know what to do."
He reaches up and cups my cheek, a small smile playing on his face. "I don't think you have to worry about that. Little do you know where my brain goes whenever we're within three feet of each other, Natty."
Feeling a tug in my gut, I smile coyly. "I think I have a pretty good idea. I'm fairly certain that my brain drifts along the same lines too."
He doesn't waste another second, leaning forward to bridge the gap and pressing his lips to mine. His hand migrates from my cheek to the back of my neck, pulling me even closer into him.
I kiss him back fiercely, opening my mouth when his tongue swipes along my bottom lip and knotting my hands in his hair.
Josh lies back so that I'm straddling him, his hand drifting from my waist to my backside, digging into the flesh.
I let out a delighted moan as I kiss him feverishly, my hands bracketing his head so that I can support my weight better.
"I'll get there," he mumbles against my lips. "Promise."
I pull back just enough so that we can look at each other in the eye properly, warmth spreading through my chest at the hooded look in his eyes. "I'll wait."
***
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
"Oh, honey, no," Anandi whispers gently, resting her head on MJ's shoulder. "This is not something you should be apologising for."
MJ starts to blubber even more than she already was. "But it's just so stupid!"
Except, it's not. It's really, really not. Reece is just a certified lowlife, who doesn't seem to understand the basic concept of friendship.
MJ sat on her thoughts and feelings about how Reece had been treating her lately for the whole of mid-terms. Then, when they were over, she decided to finally get in touch with him again – because, obviously, he hadn't been in touch with her the whole time – and ask him to meet up for a coffee.
He didn't show.
Like, at all. Didn't even send her a message to cancel, or anything. Literally just didn't show up and didn't answer her message, either.
So, here she is, two hours later, bawling her eyes out about it. Anandi and I are lying in bed, sandwiching her in between us.
Anandi, succinct as ever, speaks my thoughts for me. "It's not stupid, MJ."
Then, she proceeds to describe in crass detail, exactly what she thinks of him. It's mostly just a long string of expletives, one after the other, that would make even the most dedicated of potty mouths wince.
It makes me laugh a little, as I squeeze MJ's hand in mine. "I'm sorry he's made you feel like this, MJ," I murmur quietly. "You deserve to be treated like a queen."
She groans, her free hand covering her face. "It's just annoying, because it's not like he was my boyfriend, you know? Why do I feel so mad when he's just an old friend of mine?"
"Because friendships, especially old ones, run deep within you," I answer quietly, thinking of Jonny. "Humans are made to be in relationship with one another, but that doesn't just mean romantically. Of course, you're gutted that an old friend of yours is treating you like this."
Anandi hums in agreement. "Exactly. It'd be like one of us treating you like this. I'd be heartbroken if that were me, MJ, and you have every right to feel like that right now."
Our dear, soft friend sniffles, her face crumpling. "I'm sorry."
To both mine and Anandi's chagrin, she's apologising for two reasons. She's sorry because she's crying all over us, but she's also feeling bad because we were supposed to be going out tonight. It's Friday now and we had decided to hit Smith's up for a few drinks, to celebrate the end of our midterms.
Obviously, though, we're not going out now. There's no way we're leaving MJ here like this, after she declined coming out with us.
The soccer team group chat is going off continuously, with lots of chat about plans tonight, so I just turn my phone on silent so that MJ doesn't feel as bad. She's already feeling pretty rotten and the last thing I want is for the unnecessary guilt to increase even more.
"Please stop apologising," Anandi sighs, her eyebrows pinching. "This is exactly what friends are for, MJ. Stop feeling guilty over it, all right?"
Eventually, MJ takes a few deep breaths and nods her agreement.
I slip out of her bed to grab my laptop and then get back into bed, curling back up with the two girls. I pull Netflix up on my browser and we scroll through the seemingly endless list of films on there, eventually settling for a trashy, feel-good film.
Halfway through, we take a quick break for snacks, which inevitably ends up with all of us spilling popcorn and other crumbs all over MJ's bed. Not that she minds.
After the film ends, MJ worries her bottom lip in her mouth. "Are you sure that you don't want to go out? There's still time. I'll be fine."
I scoff, shaking my head as Anandi rolls her eyes. "No way," I deny. "We're staying right here."
So, we start another film, but this time it's an action one, which is a bit more to MJ's taste.
It feels right, lying here with the two of them, just spending time together.
Once the second film is over, MJ smiles softly at the two of us. "Thank you guys so much for staying with me tonight. I love you."
Anandi grins, leaning over and pecking her on the cheek. "Wouldn't be anywhere else."
I squeeze her arm, to let her know that those are my sentiments exactly.
It's not until later on in the evening, when I'm slipping into bed, that I finally get around to checking my phone.
Apart from the string of messages in the soccer group chat, there are a couple of messages sitting there from a few hours ago that catch my attention.
Josh: Thought you were coming tonight?
Another one is time-stamped as an hour later.
Josh: You good?
Immediately, I feel guilty for not having checked my phone sooner. Sighing, I glance at the clock and realise that because it's midnight, he'll still be working. So, I type out hasty response, knowing he probably won't have time to check his phone, because it's a Friday night and Smith's will undoubtedly be packed.
Nat: I'm good, just had some stuff at the flat to deal with. Promise we're good. Hope work is going okay!
Except, it seems Josh has been a bit worried about me, because the reply is almost instantaneous.
Josh: You sure??
Nat: Promise!
Josh: Okay. Missed seeing your face tonight!!!
I laugh and let him know that I missed him too, glad that he trusts me on my assurance that everything is okay. The way he reacts to situations only make my feelings grow stronger for him and I know I'm teetering towards the edge of something much, much deeper than just liking him.
I might not get to share a bed with him tonight, but I still fall asleep with a big, stupid grin on my face.
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Only two chapters to go after this one! Let me know what you thought x