Ugh. Pyramid is today. But at least Brady's back. Mom now has another television enemy, and Ms. Yolanda has a new friend to dislike Mom with on television. I guess I should get ready. I pick out a black and white royal-looking ALDC sweatshirt. The sweatshirt is a much better choice, Lilliana. It covers your disgusting body.
My hair goes up into a low ponytail with a black elastic around it. Even though I could probably get away without covering my scars, I apply some light foundation so they're covered enough that nobody will notice if I have to take off my shirt for a class or something.
After makeup, skincare, and meds, I grab an Ensure out of the fridge, my phone, my dance bag, and my shoes. Mom saunters into the living room and grabs an already made cup of coffee. The Ensure is gonna make you fat, Lilliana. Don't you dare drink it.
"We're going with Hannah today in Ms. Ann's car, okay?" Mom informs me, and I nod, pretending to chug down this buttered pecan Ensure before throwing it in the trash.
After all, I have 150 calories to use, not 500. I'm excited and dreading pyramid today. Excited because me and Pressley may be higher because we won. But our duet is gonna be unaired. And then how are we going to do Brady's entrance?
So many components and I'm not in control of them. I hate it. At least I can control what I eat. I walk down to the lobby where I see Hannah doing something on Snapchat. I peer over and photobomb her. She giggles before we make our way to the car.
The drive seems really short, yet dragging on for ages at the same time. Hannah seems very chatty today, carrying the conversation on. I try to mask and be just as peppy and upbeat, and luckily, I think I nail it.
I'm anxious as we walk into Studio A, Brady waiting in the dancer's den. All the other girls are here before us, bar Kamryn. Is Kamryn running late? Or did she get pulled off from the team roster? My mind is racing. You're gonna be on the bottom, Lilliana. You were the weak link in the duet for sure, and it shouldn't have won.
"Moms, let's go, let's go, let's go!" Ms. Abby shouts and the moms rush in, ready to start the pyramid.
"Congratulations. The group finally won!" Ms. Abby proclaims and we all applaud and cheer.
Ms. Abby then begins to boast,"I guess that my philosophy worked. Got rid of Brady, you danced together as a group."
"No," Ms. Yolanda states before continuing, "Bringing Elliana in, to step everything up for the rest of the team worked."
All of the moms roll their eyes. I kinda agree with both sides, personally. Working together as a group without Brady as the automatic lead helped, and Elliana coming in also aided in our win last week.
"They knew they had to work together as a team. With or without your kid," Ms. Abby explains to Ms. Yolanda.
Ms. Yolanda then argues back, repeating it over and over while Ms. Abby repeats her sentence over and over, overlapping and cutting each off, "But you can't discount it."
"I have been in touch with Yolanda this week, and I'm glad that the schooling worked out. Yolanda, I had a little trial because I finally wanted to put this 'assault' to rest," Ms. Abby begins to say, and I immediately clutch Pressley's hand in anxiety.
"I take offense to that, because if there was an 'assault,' then I would be in prison. So I'm not gonna sit here and continue," Ms. Yolanda reasons with Ms. Abby.
"Then go!" Mom snaps, and Pressley draws some shapes on the back of my hand with her thumb to distract me.
I don't think they're just doing this for the cameras anymore. After last week, something just went wrong. The flashbacks of me crying come back. You're such a crybaby, Lilliana. You shouldn't cry on national television. It makes you seem weak. You are weak anyway, though.
"We have to find a way to move forward past this," Michelle tells Ms. Yolanda and Mom.
"She attacks my kid! Let her yell at your kid, Michelle. Get out if you don't like it!" Mom screams and I can feel my foot flexing and pointing, my body trying to release the anxiety.
"Moving on to the pyramid," Ms. Abby yells louder so we can redirect our attention to the white headshots.
"At the bottom of the pyramid, Hannah. Did you do anything wrong? No. There just wasn't a lot to judge you on," Ms. Abby explains, and poor Hannah's face remains emotionless, even though I can see the sadness and disappointment in her eyes.
"Next... Elliana. Elliana was in a duet. They didn't win. They were second. We all know that second is the first to lose. Period," Ms. Abby states, making sure Ms. Yolanda won't talk.
"Next- the duet partner, Judge Gia. It was good. Just not good enough. Also on the bottom row of the pyramid, Sarah. You took Elliana's place to learn the duet. You were the swing. You did a good job," Ms. Abby says, and Sarah smiles.
"On the second row... Pressley. I thought you did an excellent job. Do I still need to see improvement on your feet, and your flexibility? Absolutely," Ms. Abby explains.
"Next, we have Lilly. Even the very last step off the stage, you were in character," Ms. Abby tells me and I smile.
"And... Kamryn is on the top of the pyramid because she won. That's more I can say for the duet," Ms. Abby informs us.
We won too! Your duet wasn't good enough to be on television, Lilliana. If it was somebody else doing it with Pressley, it would have aired. But Ms. Abby had to pick your worthless ass to do it. And it backfired for you and Pressley.
"All right. This week... I am going to be tougher and meaner than ever before. Because we are competing right here, in Pittsburgh for the first time in years. We are attending Ignite Dance Live, and I'm sure that every studio out there is gonna be coming for us. It is so important that when we walk in there representing the ALDC. And then we have an added factor of a guest this week. Not only are we competing in our own backyard, but I've also invited JoJo here," Ms. Abby reveals.
My mouth drops wide open and we all start clapping. First, Brady comes back, and then JoJo is coming here too? This week is amazing. It would be even more amazing if you weren't here, Lilliana. Nobody would have to deal with you if you weren't here.
"JoJo is coming to inspire our soloists. Because this is where it kinda all started for her. The solos... are JoJo's solos. But they're not just solos the way JoJo did them, they're JoJo solos on crack," Ms. Abby tells us.
I don't know the reference, but everybody starts laughing. I've heard it before, but I don't know what it means. I hope I get a solo. Everybody hopes for a solo, but you're not gonna get one, Lilliana. You don't deserve a solo.
"Sarah, you're gonna get a solo. It's your hometown of Pittsburgh. I'm going to tell you ahead of time that your solo has next to no chance of making it on air. It doesn't mean I don't want you to be as good as possible. You are doing JoJo's Rapunzel solo. The solo that she did on my ultimate dance competition. Also, Elliana will be performing a solo. And Lilly will be performing solo," Ms. Abby reveals and I smile briefly.
Great, now Elliana and I are competing. I didn't realize this at first, but we also competed with our duets. Can't we just be two different people?
"I will tell our airing soloists about their solos on Thursday. This week the group routine is based on the Bermuda Triangle. In the Bermuda Triangle, people disappear, never to be heard of again. Kind of like some members of the team. Instead of disappearing, never to be heard of again, this dancer... disappeared. And now they're back," Ms. Abby tells us, setting us up for the arrival of Brady.
And sure enough, the door opens and in comes Brady. We all start screaming and clapping as we rush over to hug him, like we did yesterday.
After about thirty seconds, Ms. Abby pipes up and asks, "I'm chopped liver over here?"
After hugging her and hugging us again, Ms. Tricia says, "Thank you so much for bringing us back. But I feel like we were ran out of here. I feel like Stacey was really, really jealous, and it affected everybody."
"No this is dumb," Mom interjects and I shuffle a little closer over to Pressley again.
"And if we're gonna come back-" Ms. Tricia begins to speak before Mom walks away from the moms and over to Ms. Abby.
"Seriously, how much more, Abby, really? Really? You got Yolanda-- like, what else are you doing to me? You're allowing all this," Mom yells, making me wince again.
"No, I just want to say, water under the bridge. Let me finish. He wanted to be here and we wanted to be here. We want to be back," Ms. Tricia says and Mom shuts up and Elliana slowly enters the room.
"Moms, you're dismissed. Girls, I want to speak about our other solos. Elliana, you are doing a contemporary solo. Lilly, you are doing an acro solo. Sarah, you are doing a jazz solo. That being said, we're going to be doing jazz, acro, and contemporary for our three classes for today, starting with jazz. But, I want you to do some school first, so go," Ms. Abby dismisses, making us run to the dancer's den.
I grab my computer out of my bag and start on my social studies. I can't wait until I'm older and I get to take history. You're either going to fail this grade or you're going to die before then, Lilliana because you're dumb and you're stupid. I finally get through the lesson before we're called for jazz.
Sarah is the main concern as she should be, since she's getting a jazz solo. Sarah works privately with Ms. Abby to work on her solo a bit without the long hair. I look over while we learn a new combo, and this choreo is going to be difficult to perform with a piece of hair that is as long as her.
Then we have another hour of school and lunch, but I manage to skirt by without eating anything somehow. My brain is having a hard time concentrating, a headache clouding my brain. I don't get through all of my math. I'll have to do some at home. I didn't plan on having to do any school at home, but I guess I can't focus right .
Then we have acro. I'm pulled aside with Ms. Gianna. She wants me to keep my arms as still as possible and not use my arms. She wants me to do a falling bridge into a chest roll without my arms. It's crazy, and I can't think of a single JoJo solo that required her to not use her arms.
After, we have one final hour of school before contemporary. I manage to speed up enough to finish it all up. Finally, after a long day of constant arguments being muffled, yet heard, from the viewing box, dancing, and barely reaching the top of the pyramid, the day is over.
"Lilly, cm'here," Mom calls over as we're packing up and I walk over to where she is.
"I just want to remind you that whatever you hear about up there, almost all of it is lies, okay? It's not real," Mom tells me and gives me an awkward hug before I make my way back.
All I'm thinking is, "What the heck did she do?" I roll my eyes while looking down so nobody can see me and I finish packing up. I say my goodbyes before Hannah, Mom, and I pile into her mother's van so we can go back to our makeshift home.
I immediately start to do a second day of school. I want to do as much school as possible to make sure I don't end up like Elliana. At least she'll be joining us tomorrow and she won't be stuck at home.
"Lilly! Dinner!" Mom calls out and I stumble to the kitchen.
Black beans and rice. I know rice is a calorically dense food, so I'll avoid that and only eat the beans. I'm not the biggest fan of rice anyway, and I guess it shows, 'cause Mom only puts a small amount on my plate. The black beans have way too many calories, Lilliana. Only eat half.
I rush back to my room after a half, blaming it on a big lunch, and I quickly look up the calorie amount. 114 calories. I lean my head back for a second, breathing in a sigh of relief. I should probably take a shower. It's almost seven-thirty.
As per usual, I grab my phone and take out the gleaming razor. Before I hop into the future bloodbath that will become my shower, I weigh myself. 63.8. I'm getting there. I'm getting to 60 pounds. You'll still never be skinny enough, Lilliana. You'll always be the short one. You'll always be the fat one.
I start to tear up and I grab my razor and cut three lines down my wrist from the bottom of my palm about an inch down. And per usual, the dopamine release and the bad feelings floating away, it makes me feel happy and less guilty.
I bandage and clean up my wrist before slipping on pajamas. Mom doesn't tuck me in tonight. I guess our little ritual thing isn't meant to be. I start to sob into my pillow before letting the heavy eyelids succumb to closure.
~~~~~