Run To You // Bryan Adams
I make it up the stairs and into my dorm room before I let the tears fall. I don't want to think about it.
I want Matt.
"Did the douche canoe grovel?" Morgan is sitting on her bed with notes spread around her. She's the most disorganized student I've ever met.
"Basically."
"How'd he take the news?"
When I turn my focus away from her, remembering all of the things he said about being a father, Morgan gets the wrong idea.
"You did tell him, didn't you?" Her voice is sharp.
I shake my head. "He already knew."
"Oh my gosh! Did he beg you to get rid of it?"
My jaw drops. "No! Why would you think that?"
Morgan shrugs. "He looked desperate to find you. When I told him you'd gone to your parents' house, he looked like he was gonna be sick."
"He was actually really supportive." I refrain from mentioning therapy to her. That's not mine to share. But it is a huge step.
"I guess that's good. I don't know how you could ever trust him again. You should make him work for it."
Again, I don't want to hold Matt off. My heart wants to take the leap. It's the voices in my head holding me back. Voices like Morgan's. I worry what people will think if I blindly run back into his arms. I shouldn't worry about that, but I do.
"It's not about punishing him. There's more at stake than my pride." I say it out loud to convince myself as much as Morgan.
"That's true. But you also have to make sure he doesn't do this again."
Her words hit me like a blow. This entire time I've been worried about him, how he's coping and if he'll ever get passed his grieving. Not once did I worry about him coming back to me just to pull away again.
But now I am.
"Crap." My stomach lurches. The morning slash all day sickness rears its ugly head in time to my anxiety.
"Here." Morgan shoves the trash can over to me. "I'm going for a coffee. If you need me, I'll be at the cafe. And if I see Matt-"
"You'll do nothing. Leave him alone, Morgan."
Her hands fly up in surrender. "Fine. I'll be good. But the second he makes the wrong move, the gloves are coming off. Metaphorically. I wouldn't hit him. Well, maybe just a little. I have been known to make grown men cry with a single look."
"My gosh, Morgan."
"Okay, okay. I'm going." She waves me off and steps out the door, leaving a giant mess of notes and textbooks on her bed.
I put the trash can down and crawl onto my bed. My good intentions to study have vaporized. My brain is locked on my life, not lectures about muscles or joints for anatomy. I bury my head in my pillow and moan.
"Why?" That word could lead me down so many paths. It's the million-dollar question.
Why did Matt's dad have to die?
Why was he so terrible to his family?
Why couldn't Matt have held onto me when he was hurting?
Why do I still love him so much?
At least I know the answer to the last one. I've told him exactly why I love him and none of those reasons have changed even if he did shove me right out of his life. What other guy would willingly go through what he has just to be a better man? And who actually worries about messing things up the way he did? Guys don't tend to try as hard as he did, at least none of the guys I'd dated before cared like that. The guys I know have been all about themselves and their happiness. As long as being with someone was beneficial to them, they'd stick it out. But the second any stress or problems showed up...gone.
Yeah, Matt messed up. Yeah, he let his fears take over. But then he got himself to a therapist. Then he came to find me to try again, knowing I might not want to. Knowing that he may have ruined things for good.
I flip onto my back and put my hands on my stomach, lower to where the baby is growing. How can I be mad at a guy who wants to do better for his kid than his dad did for him? How can I hold his fears against him when he's struggled with this his entire life?
And yet...I'm scared.
So damn scared.
I don't want to raise our child alone. But I also don't want this baby to ever be made to feel the way Matt has.
Which is why I don't know what to do.
***
A noise jolts me awake. Great, I fell asleep again. I look at the clock and see it's past eight. So much for trying to study early so I could go to bed at a decent time. I might be pulling a late night with the books.
I stretch as the noise returns. Someone's knocking at my door. Morgan left in such a rush she probably forgot her key. Although she'd be pounding while shouting my name so it's probably not her. As I slide off the bed to open it, I wonder if Matt has come back. But when I open the door, it's Jeff who stares back at me.
"What the hell happened?" He doesn't wait for an invitation as he steps passed me and into the room.
I push my hair back, gathering it in a ponytail before letting it fall behind my shoulders. "Jeez, I just took a nap. I can't look that bad." Or can I? Maybe I'm already getting bloated with water weight gain. I've started to read about pregnancy changes and that could be one of them.
"No. Not you. What happened between you and Matt? He's going at the weights like a maniac. That's pure stress lifting, no doubt. What did he say? Did he ruin things?" Jeff is pacing, his frustration rising as he speaks.
"Nothing happened. He told me he's trying, said he wants to be there for me and our baby, and I told him I needed to think about it." I wince at the memory. Yeah, I can see why he had to go lift weights. I've been going out of my mind, too, but physical exertion like that wouldn't help me right now.
Jeff stops his pacing and stares at me. "What? You're telling me he said and did all the right things and you still held him off?"
"Dude! He ghosted me for almost two months! What do you want me to say, 'Oh, no big deal, it's fine?' It's totally not fine. It's the opposite of fine. That was horrible to go through and I don't ever want to go through it again. Especially with a child."
Jeff comes to stand in front of me, holding me by the shoulders and looks right into my eyes. "You have to grab love when it's in front of you. Take the chance now when it can make all the difference. Matt is trying, really trying. He's going to therapy, didn't bat an eye when I told him to talk to a professional. He wants the help. He wants to be your man, a father. Your life partner. I wouldn't be standing in this room saying all this if he didn't. Trust me, I already bashed him up and if I thought he needed it, I'd do it again.
"But he's come out of that dark place and is finding his footing again. Walk alongside him so he doesn't stumble. Honestly, Hannah, what more are you asking for? Life doesn't come with guarantees. Sometimes you have to take a risk."
Before I can say a word in response, Jeff's eyes go wide and he steps away from me.
"I have to leave. I have to find Allison. She has to know that I love her."
My jaw drops. "Okay. Go. Tell her." I have no idea who Allison is, but when he said her name everything about him lit up. I don't want to hold him back.
I watch as Jeff spins around and bolts out the door, shouting back to me as he goes, "Find Matt. Tell him how you feel!" And then he's gone.
Minutes after the door has slammed shut, I'm still staring at it. What Jeff said sinks in. I let my heart absorb the words and infuse them into my thinking. There are no guarantees. Sometimes you have to take a risk.
But loving Matt isn't that risky. He's a work in progress, but so am I. Sure, he's got bigger hurdles than I do but I know both of us will bring issues to the table. Everyone does. I throw on a hoodie, grab my phone and keys, and shove them into the pocket. Then I take the most important steps I can take as an expecting mom.
I step through the doorway and walk toward my new life.
At first my steps are calm. I'm walking but I'm also thinking, breathing and keeping the anticipation at bay. We'll have a serious conversation about what's next. I'll tell him what I need, what I expect, and he'll listen. Maybe he'll tell me more about what he's gone through.
Or maybe I don't really want to know.
I shake off the worry. He has to feel comfortable being honest with me so I will listen to whatever he has to say.
As the athletic building comes into view, my pace quickens. I'm almost jogging when I reach the weight room door and pull the handle so hard it flies open.
"Matt!" I burst into the room and glance around. Where is he? Jeff said he'd been lifting like crazy just a few minutes ago. I take three more steps into the room for a better look.
"He's not here, honey."
I spin around at the voice. Gio is bench pressing an impressive amount of weight.
"Where is he?"
Gio puts the weights back on the rack before he answers.
"My guess is the track with the way he was grunting and stomping on the treadmill. That guy has some tension to work out. Beware of the grouch." Gio winks at me as he sits up. "That guy's been a mess since his dad died.
I fight the eyeroll. Does Gio think I don't already know this? I don't say anything. Instead I turn to leave when he says one more thing.
"Don't go easy on him. He needs your strength more than your sympathy."
That stops me in my tracks. I look back at Gio over my shoulder. He winks again and points to the door.
"And don't keep him waiting."
I open the door and run to the corner then around it. I find myself running faster as I approach the track. The gate is open, so I rush through and hit the surface without pausing. A lone figure is on the far end of the track, back toward me and head down. Rather than follow the person to make sure it's Matt, I run the other direction, planning a head on collision.
It's faster this way.
My pace slows because I'm panting more than normal. Must be the nerves. Or the baby. Either way I'm slowing to a jog then a fast walk. But the person is now only a half-length away and I can tell it is Matt even with his head down. I stop, bending at the waist to catch my breath, and shout when I have enough oxygen in my lungs.
"Matt!"
His head pops up and his feet slow to a stop. We are both standing on opposite sides of this leg of the track, frozen in place and staring straight at each other.
"Matt," I say, this time with a sob at the end. That gets his feet moving again. He's running at me full speed. I'm too tired to move toward him, physically. Even my soul feels tired. This has been gut wrenching to go through.
"Hannah," he shouts when he's almost to me. I stand up straight and take four steps. Then his arms are around me and I'm lifted off the ground.
"Baby. Is this what I think it is?" His face is buried in my hair. I yank him as close to me as possible.
"It's a beginning," I say.
He nods, not letting me go. Matt starts to spin me around then stops abruptly. "Oh, sorry. Are you okay? Are you very sick?" He's leaning back now, my body sliding down until my feet hit the ground. Matt's hand gently brushes the hair away from my face with eyes of concern.
"I'm fine right now. But yes, I've been pretty sick."
The concern on his face grows, tiny lines forming between his brows. "I'm so sorry." His apology is layered with grief.
I can't find it in myself to remain angry with him but Gio's words come to mind. 'He needs your strength more than your sympathy,' and I know he's right.
"I know. And I understand." I narrow my gaze at him. "But you can't do this anymore, Matt. I have to be able to count on you, now. I have to know that you're in this with me. I can't go through this ever again. Do you understand?"
Matt nods, no trepidation visible at all. "That's what I want. It's what I'm working on. I want to be your rock, Hannah."
"I don't need a rock. I need you, wounds and worries and all. I need you to be authentic and to let me in when you're hurting, not push me away."
"I'm trying. I'll try."
"There is no try, do or do not."
"Your geek is showing, baby. Star Wars quotes now?"
I shrug. "Doesn't matter as long as it's true. So, are you going to try or do?"
"Do," he says confidently. He's so confident that I end up pulling him close again and kissing him.
Matt wastes no time responding. His mouth angles over mine, pressing his lips right where I've needed them. We get lost in each other, remembering how we are together. This doesn't erase what we've been through. It's not a cure to make everything all better again. I'm realistic enough to know that things will probably get difficult before they even out. That's how therapy works when you are actually trying. It's messy.
"Can we...talk? I have so many questions about the baby."
"Come on, let's walk back to the dorms. There isn't much to tell yet, though."
On impulse, I grab Matt's hand and bring it to cover my stomach. His breath catches and his eyes glaze over. He looks at his hand for a silent moment before bringing his focus back to me. Happiness fills my heart as I see the look in his eyes.
"Ours," I say.
"Yours and mine." Matt hugs me again then takes my hand and leads me back to my dorm. Ready to take the next steps together.
So...happy ending? Almost. I have a few chapters to go yet because things aren't resolved on all fronts. Also, I only have another half chapter drafted at this point so cross your fingers that I can get it finished. My shoulder has been really bad, to the point I had to get a cortisone shot and an MRI. I can only type in short sprints and then I need to rest. But I am gonna finish this, dag nabbit!
Inevitable just got another boost today! Wattpad added it their weekend reading radar list and I'm so excited to see it featured! Yay to the Fallbrook Hills Universe!!
Could you picture Matt breaking into a hard run when Hannah called his name??? 😍😍😍
Keep an eye out for some paperback and ebook deals coming up on Amazon for Broken Lullaby!! When I know specifics, I'll let you know!