The loud sound of my alarm rips me from sleep. A deep sleep, one of those ones where you're still trying to put out your feelers for reality. When your mind is in this limbo of dreaming and settling yourself on the solid grounds of the real world. I haven't slept that sound in a while. I'm usually one small sound away from being torn from sleep, settling lightly on my pillow anticipating the next thing that will wake me. But not now. Now, I'm nestled against a firm chest. A chest that I love waking up against.
When my alarm sounds for the second time, I slowly roll to my back, feeling his hands slide against my arm. This warmth he provides is something I could really grow to need. And needing someone is a scary concept. The thing is, Tommy makes it safe. He makes me want to need him.
When I slowly peel my eyes open, looking up at the light filling the room now, I feel his lips against my neck, his head nestling into that little space at the top of my collar bone.
"Good morning," he whispers. I love that morning voice. So husky and pulsating.
My fingers find their way to his hair, running them through as he continues to place small kisses to my neck. "Good morning," I smile back.
"You ready for today?" he asks, sending my heart into a little spin.
This moment of fantasy seems to be tethered to that realm of dream land because the reality of where we are, of what exactly is about to unfold seems to hit me quick. Last night I let my heart make decisions. Being held in his arms is a feeling I wasn't ready to let go of. And sleeping against him was something I missed all too much, so I asked him to stay. That reality is hitting me pretty hard at the moment. He's spent the night before, the night I tried to drunkenly seduce him. But that was different. That night, Mia wasn't here. And now? Now Mia is about to wake up with an unexpected houseguest. I sit up faster than I should, causing Tommy to do the same.
"You okay?" he asks, his hand falling to mine.
I quickly turn to find his eyes, the ones that always seem to bring me back. My chest falls with a breath of relief in seeing him looking back at me. "We should get ready," I reply, quickly standing from the bed.
I reach for my robe, throwing it around my shoulders and sliding my arms through.
"Amber," he begins. I know he reads me, which sometimes can be so frustrating. Especially when I just want to hide my inner turmoil, the struggles that sometimes just need to stew around for a bit.
"I'm fine, Tommy," I reply, shorter than he deserves, which is exactly why he drops his eyes and I let out a relenting sigh. I'm not completely fine, and he doesn't need me brushing off the fact that something is clearly wrong. "Last night, when I was in your arms, I just...I didn't want that moment to end. So I didn't let it end. I let you stay the night and now..."
"You're worried about Mia," he finishes for me. This is when those powers are nice. When I don't have to actually explain myself.
"Yes," I whisper, checking the clock again. I need to wake her up in two minutes and then the morning dash for work and school begins. I'm already running late. I should be dressed at this point.
"Come here," he whispers, reaching for my hand and pulling me closer. "Talk to me."
I let out another breath, letting my walls fall with it. "Sometimes...sometimes I feel like I have two voices that I'm trying to navigate. The girlfriend in me just wants to hold you, to wake up with you every single morning. To call in sick to work today and spend the rest of the afternoon in this very bed with you." His smile ignites my heart. "But the mom in me keeps questioning if this is too soon for her. I should have talked to her first. Checked with her and explained things before having you spend the night. And now, she's going to wake up and you're still going to be here. How do I explain that?"
His other hand finds mine now, pulling me between his legs as he scoots to the edge of the bed. "Baby, I can't begin to know what it's like to try and navigate this whole thing the way that you do. But I want to try. I want to walk this path with you. To help you make decisions not just for us but for her. Whatever you need from me this morning, I'll do it. I can sneak out, I can help get her ready, I can talk to her about what this means, I can-"
"Tommy," I interrupt him, my hands falling behind his neck now. He's frantically searching for solutions, and he's so freaking cute in his attempt to help me through my worries. "Thank you." I softly press my lips to his as his hands fall to my waist pulling me against him now.
"I don't want you to sneak out by the way. I want you here. I do. I just...I need to talk to Mia and mornings are always so crazy."
"Well, that's what I'm here for. Put me to work. Whatever you need to make this morning go a bit more smoothly, I'm here."
I can't help but laugh, shaking my head in disbelief. I should be used to this by now. The fact that he's perfect. I mean, my perfect. Because I know no one is perfect, but he is for me.
"Is that a yes? You'll let me help?" he questions, running his fingers along my waist and sending those waves of desire throughout my body. Desire that I most definitely do not have time to address.
"How about breakfast?" I ask.
"I can do breakfast," he nods.
"Thank you," I whisper back, pressing my lips to his. His sweet taste and smooth tongue against mine causes me to lean in against him. I still don't have time for this, but maybe just for a moment.
Just as I sink into his lap, I hear Mia's door open. And just like that, I am across the room and Tommy is already to his feet. I guess it's now or never. This moment was bound to happen, I just wish I could have prepared Mia for it a bit more.
"I'm going to..." my eyes fall on his then shoot to the door.
"Amber," his calming tone wraps around me. "It's okay. Go."
I let out another breath as I nod with a smile. I take a couple steps and make my way to the door.
When I push it open, Mia's smiling face is in front of me, Stella hot on her heels. Stella spending the night was part of the plan, courtesy of a very convincing little girl and a man who hasn't quite figured out no with her yet. The problem is that Tommy was not part of this whole sleepover plan. But combine the fact that I really didn't want him to leave my side last night with the fact that we're both going to the same place this morning for the safety day he signed up for, and I just couldn't seem to let him leave. I take a deep breath before swooping Mia up in my arms and taking more of our limited time to explain to her that it's not just her and I this morning.
Sitting on the couch with Mia and explaining that Tommy is still here actually goes a lot more smoothly than I worked myself up to thinking it would be. She was surprisingly excited that he was still here and after getting her dressed, well behind schedule, she happily skipped to the kitchen for Tommy's deliciously smelling pancakes.
I let the two of them take the breakfast portion of the morning as I finish my hair. When I finally join them, Mia is halfway done, her hair still sticking up in a variety of directions, reminding me of the next task I need to tackle with about...ten minutes left, lovely.
I quickly pour the syrup over my pancake, taking a seat to shove my face in a very unattractive way when my phone begins to buzz beside me. The name across the screen causes my heart to pauses for a brief moment. I look over to Tommy who is now cutting the rest of Mia's pancake.
"I'll be right back," I say quickly, grabbing my phone and heading straight for my room.
When I close the door, I slowly bring the phone to my ear. "Hi, Lisa," I answer.
"Hi, Amber. How are you this morning?" she asks, her voice calm and collected.
"I'm okay."
"That's good. I just wanted to call and let you know that everything is in place and we're still on schedule to serve the papers today. Is this still what you want?"
I've been working with Lisa for the last several weeks. She's helped me pull all of the necessary paperwork and information to officially file for divorce. It's been a process, one that I've been tackling alone. I know I should have filled Tommy in, but I just didn't want to keep roping him into my past. Once this is official, once everything begins moving forward and there's an actual light at the end, I'll let him know.
"Yes," I exhale. "I'm ready."
"Okay. He'll be served just as we discussed. He'll have forty days to respond. Either he'll agree to the terms we have laid out," unlikely, "or he'll contest them."
"And when he contests?" I question, even though I've already gone through this with her a hundred times. She knows my story, what we're dealing with. She also knows I've never pressed charges or filed any kind of complaint against him over the years. Making it difficult, not impossible, to deem him unfit to have custody of Mia. I just don't think I could allow her to be in New York with him without me there, which is why I'm filing for full custody.
"We'll address that when the time comes. But we won't go down quietly," she affirms. We also won't go down debt free either. These lawyer fees are taking everything I have and then some. I've already begun applying for loans in anticipation of this going to court.
"And if he doesn't respond?" I question.
"That's the best case scenario. If he doesn't respond, we can default to your requests."
"Okay," I take another deep breath. This unease I feel in my stomach has me tensing. I can't seem to take a deep enough breath to calm the nerves rattling my chest. I know Vince has no intentions of going down quietly. I just hope this doesn't wake the beast.
When I hang up the phone, I notice the time on the clock. I don't see how we're possibly going to make it on time. This day just keeps getting better doesn't it?
I run to the kitchen, ready to tell Mia I'll do her hair in the car when I'm struck by the most endearing scene. Tommy is sitting on the couch, Mia between his legs on the ground playing with Stella who is happily sitting across her lap. But that's not what has me pausing. Tommy has Mia's hair all tangled between his fingers. As I take a closer step forward, my breath nearly falls from my mouth. It's not tangled at all, it's a braid. Not just a generic braid that can be learned quickly on the spot, but a French braid. One that doesn't just come naturally but that takes time and practice to perfect.
He grabs a hair tie and twists it around the end before leaning back to inspect his work. He pulls a few loose strands behind her ear before slicking back any fly aways.
"Okay, Mia," he says now as she turns to face him.
"How do I look?" she stands now, twirling around as Stella does a little circle with her.
I can hear Tommy's smile from here. "You look beautiful, Mia."
Her innocent giggle calms all of the tension I've been building this morning. "Mommy!" she shouts, bringing Tommy's eyes to mine. "Do you like it?"
I take a small step into the room, joining the two of them. "I love it, Mia. And Tommy is right, you look beautiful."
She jumps up, running to the door to grab her backpack. I pause to face the very man who has become my hero on more than one occasion. I've never had an equal. Someone who was part of my team, helping me when the stress begins to boil over or when time just seems to always be running out.
"Where did you learn to do that?" I ask, wrapping my arms around him.
"I saw Sadie braiding June's hair when we were in New York. She showed me a couple times and I found a few videos online. I don't know, I just knew Mia would look pretty freaking cute with a braid like that and thought I would give it a try. It didn't turn out too bad, huh?"
The fact that he just relayed that little scenario like a factual event, like it was no big deal is another one of the reasons why I love him so much. He's never trying to impress or buy any of our love, he just genuinely cares.
"I love you," I whisper before giving him a soft kiss, lingering for a brief moment. He has no idea the mess of nerves still swimming around my stomach after my conversation with Lisa, but somehow, even without knowing, he's still managed to calm them. To quiet them just enough to get me through the day.
"I love you too," he says back.
~~~
A man in uniform. My man in uniform. Talk about eye candy.
Love and lust. It's possible to have one without the other. You can lust after someone, picturing them holding you up against a wall, hands exploring your body without feeling any ounce of love for them. And you can love someone without wanting them to ravish you every waking moment.
Tommy Sallow perfectly encompasses both of those powerful emotions. I can't seem to stop falling deeper for him every time he smiles, reaches for my hand, says my name. It really doesn't matter exactly what he's doing, my heart just seems to beat stronger when it comes to him.
And lust? Is it even necessary for me to elaborate on this one?
I mean, each time he waves an arm and those muscles flex, dancing for me, I lose a bit of consciousness. Which is good, because I would rather check out completely than be reminded exactly where I am, drooling over the incredibly mouthwatering specimen in front of me. I shouldn't be having these thoughts surrounded by two classes worth of kids.
I shift my body weight, readjusting my dress as I contain the dirty thoughts, focusing back on the very explicit instructions he's trying to give. But then he crouches down in front of one of the kids who correctly called out "911" as an answer and places a sticker badge to his chest.
"What's your name?" Tommy whispers in front of him.
"It's Levi," he sits up taller now, his voice still somewhat low.
"Well, Levi, did you know that when I'm on the street, I have a partner? Someone who has my back, who helps me with anything I might need."
"Really?"
"Yes. And today, that person is you."
"Me?"
"Yes, you. Can you do that for me? Can you watch my back?"
Levi nods his head frantically up and down, the excitement oozing off of him. "Yes. I can."
And just like that my organs have turned to mush. That feeling of love wrapping around my heart. There were a lot of hands in the air when he asked what number they should call in an emergency. But there was only one kid whose head was down, his eyes hiding. The only kid who was sunken in his seat, not responding to the fun activities Tommy started the class with.
Levi is new. He's had a rough go around at home, something I have shared a bit with Tommy. I've been trying so hard to get him to come out of his shell. According to his grandma, he's actually a really talkative kid. Just not after what happened.
I don't know how Tommy found him, how he knew he was the kid who has been taking over my thoughts lately, who I've been waking up in the early hours of the morning thinking about how I can help him. But somehow Tommy figured it out. And not only that, but he made him feel special. I haven't seen a smile like that on Levi's face. And that smile right there is what has me melting.
But that's the thing about love and lust. Each time my heart pounds against its walls, filling up with more love for this man, I can't seem to quiet the waves of lust that follow. I just want to swing my arms around him and remind myself that he's mine. That I actually get to call him mine.
"Okay, so now, I'm going to pass out a piece of paper." He places a pile on the table in front of Levi. "Partner, could you help me pass these out?" Levi smiles again, standing from his seat as he begins walking around the room. "I want you to draw the people that you feel safe with. The people who you can talk to if you need help."
"Like my mommy?" Liliana asks.
He smiles, that damn smile. "Yes, just like your mom or dad. It could be an uncle or an aunt or grandma and grandpa. Maybe even a neighbor."
"What's a neighbor?" Jacob shouts out now, the cutest confused look on his face.
Tommy laughs lightly, his eyes catching mine for a brief moment. I love those eyes. "A neighbor is someone who lives in the house next to you."
"Oh," Jacob replies. "My dad hates our neighbor."
The way Tommy tries to suppress his laugh is freaking adorable. Welcome to preschool, Tommy. Where the truth is never held back.
"Okay, so maybe not your neighbors," Tommy finally manages to state without a laugh.
As the kids begin drawing their pictures, I slowly make my rounds. Stopping at each student to see who they deem important in their lives. All of the drawings appear to be pretty similar. A lot of moms and dads, some siblings sprinkled in along with extended family. It's actually really cute to see the people that come to mind when talking about who they trust, who each kid sees in their mind when it comes down to what really matters.
I make my way to Levi, ready to help him out but Tommy is already kneeling beside him. Levi's laughing, a sound I haven't heard from him before and it sends a light to my chest. I've been waiting for this very moment. That breakthrough moment where he isn't afraid to be happy, to let himself smile again.
I should have known it'd be Tommy who would bring that light. It seems to be what he does. Watching Mia's face brighten this morning as she shoveled pancakes in her face, or when she spun around with her hair all done, or the fact that my morning has been full of stressful events, the lingering fear of Vince's reaction still in the back of my mind. And yet, I still feel a bit of that light that Tommy brings, brightening the darker things around me right now.
I turn away from them, looking for Mia now. I try my best to give her space. I mean, I'm craning my neck to get a glimpse of her paper from across the room, but I don't want her to feel any kind of pressure. But when Ms. Lauren pulls up beside her and asks her to explain all of the people on her paper, I can't help but position myself just perfectly to hear her answer.
"Wow," Ms. Lauren's eyebrows shoot up. "That's a lot of people, Mia. Can you tell me who they all are?"
"Yes," she smiles, so stinking proud of herself. Her smile has one falling to my face just as I see another body taking a similar sneaky stance, waiting to see what Mia has to say. "This is my uncle Trey and my auntie Lacy. They live the closest. And this is my grandma and grandpa, see?" she points to something, resulting in a smile from Ms. Lauren. "And that's my mommy. She always helps me when I get scared or hurt."
"You have a pretty amazing mommy," she smiles. "Is that your dad?"
"No," she shakes her head. "That's my Tommy."
My eyes lift to the man standing across the room, his eyes still glued to Mia. He's standing a bit straighter now, that smile still etched on his face.
"Your Tommy?"
"Yes," Mia proudly responds. "My Tommy is brave, and nice, and loves my mommy. We love him too."
Ms. Lauren smiles, her eyes glancing up to mine. I can't help but smile back, something that seems to happen a lot lately.
"Well, I'm glad you have your Tommy to keep you safe."
"Me too," Mia smiles, before picking up her crayons and adding to the paper in front of her.
It's these very moments that help reinforce all of the decisions I've made lately. That remind me that this battle I'm about to embark on is worth every sleepless night, every cent. I will do anything to keep her safe. As I look up at Tommy, a smile on his face accompanied by the faintest glisten in his eye, I know that I'm not alone. No matter what I'm about to face, even if I did just wake the beast, I won't have to do it alone.
Even though I know that's true, even though I am surrounded by so much love, I still can't seem to calm the unsettled feeling in my gut. I check my watch. Vince is getting served in one hour. One hour before my world rests on the edge of a bridge, balancing between the safety of solid ground and plummeting through the air.
It's going to be a long forty days.
~~~