I can't see a race as a race anymore. The Thoroughbreds aren't running, and the winner isn't winning. It's a battle, a rush of shouting, leather against skin, the spray of dirt and metal bits, rolling eyes and the clang of horseshoes. I can't see a galloping horse as freedom anymore. They're all flared nostrils, red as blood, streaked with sweat and effort.
But I don't think I love it any less for that.
Bloodless Day danced under my firm hands, fighting the bit and reins that held him back, as Lilac lined Jersey Boy up next to us, a careful distance away. We were having a short race, watched by "DO NOT LET THE HORSES ALL OUT. RATE THEM, DAMMIT" Willifred. He wanted to see how BD would do under pressure, before he was introduced to the gate, before we would bother finding him a jockey- I felt a pang at this: someone else riding him- and before we entered him in a race.
Plus, Jersey Boy needed to be sharpened up for his final shot at the Derby.
I glanced past Lilac and Jersey Boy and towards the railing. Willifred was there, stopwatch in hand. Jack was there, crutches clattered to the ground, leaning heavily against the railing. Kentucky was just remembering spring, and it was slightly warm out, but I had a jacket slung over a stall back in the shedrow. Winter still fought for its time.
"We'll work them a mile. See if Bloodless Day has staying power," Lilac reminded me for the fourth time.
"I know," I said, also for the fourth time.
She nodded curtly at me, gathering her reins. Willifred shouted something, and the horses shot away from the first marker as though they were bullets from a gun. I curled a hand into BD's mane, leaning forwards to circumvent the wind we created.
Jersey Boy worked alongside us, muscles pumping, ears back, head lowered and legs extended to their fullest. He knew the game.
BD was more playful. He loved the game, lived for the gallop, much like I did. His head was high as he sprang forwards, easily and cheerfully. I laughed, every soundless joy I'd experienced that week surfacing. With that sound, BD tipped his ears uncertainly back, slowing.
Lilac took that chance to guide Jersey to the inside. For a moment all I felt was Jersey's kicked-up dirt in my face, all I saw was his tail in my face, all I was was BD's outrage and indignation.
I was forced to check him. Jersey Boy pulled ahead, steamrolling away from us. The fifth furling passed by. We were losing! "Get up!" I shouted at Bloodless Day. He roared back into gear, flying past the sixth, but Jersey Boy was on the inside and strong. Lilac rode him subtly, every muscle telling the stallion something different.
All I knew how to do was keep myself on, and let BD run.
We lost.
As he cantered down the track again, slowing, foaming and white with lather, I went over the race. What went wrong? BD hadn't really tried, I could tell, and Jersey Boy, while also not allowed full out, had been making an effort. The only thing I could think of was the moment where I had to check him.
Defeat radiated off of BD. I patted him. "Sorry, bud."
Slowed to a walk, we made our way back to the gate, and I knew what I'd done wrong- or, rather, what I hadn't done at all.
"Strategy," I said as we approached Willifred and Jack, but Lilac was already there, helmet off and shaking out her blonde hair. I noticed a flash of color within the strands.
"Kool-aid," Lilac explained when she caught me looking. "I did it last night."
Of course.
Willifred was old, but Jack looked older, leaning against the fence, longing and incapable. "So, what do you reckon went wrong, Anna?"
Everyone was looking at me, so I stammered out, "well, I, um, had to check him, which slowed us. And then Lilac took the rail. So she had a shorter distance to cover."
Jack made a sound in his throat. Willifred said, "And Lilac?"
"Anna needs to concentrate." Lilac stated flatly.
"Way to throw me under the bus," I muttered muttered good-naturedly. Heat reddened my cheeks, but I knew that I had a long way to go.
"No, listen, she means well." Jack was too intent to recognize my jesting.
Catching my eye, Lilac said, "Laughing was a mistake. I know you're having fun- so am I- but it distracted Bloodless Day. He faltered, and when he did I used that to cut you off and angle for the railing."
I nodded. Made sense.
Willifred picked up on Lilac's line. "Riding a horse is like speaking a language. You can stay on as best you can, but if you can't speak the subtleties, it's going to do you no good. How do you ask for a gallop?"
"Um," I furrowed my brow, unsure what he was getting at. "I lean forwards. And... give BD his head. And cluck. And-"
He cut me off. "No. You ask for a gallop. I'll continue with my analogy of a language. When you're speaking English, do you think about what you're saying, or do you say it?"
"Say it."
"What language are you taking in school? Spanish? French?"
"Spanish." I answered, an inkling beginning to dawn on me.
Willifred grinned as he drove his point home. "When learning, no one just speaks the language. They think what they need, translate from English to Spanish, and then say it. That's worse than useless, and when riding a horse, dangerous. The whole game can change within strides. You don't have time to translate. You think, 'gallop', and you gallop. There's none of this 'well let me cluck and give him his head and.... no. Don't translate the language and then translate it back. Just speak it. Got that?"
I nodded. I did.
Jack sighed. "There were other mistakes too.... Anna, you're good, but we need a jockey for this horse."
"I know," I said shortly. With that, I slid off of BD's back and patted him. Thanks for not killing me, I thought, and actually meant it this time. Considering all of my mistakes, I really was lucky we'd done no worse than just losing the mock race. "But who would ride him?" If I could choose anyone, I'd have Jack on BD's back, but the stallion could not stand the male jockey.
"Someone like you," Jack mused, his gaze wandering over to Lilac. "Someone he's used to, someone competent, someone...."
"Lilac."
Willifred was already shaking his head, but my friend didn't look up from the stirrups she was fiddling with until I said her name. "What?"
"You. BD. Racetrack." I smirked and crossed my arms. Her dad could not possibly say no to this. He put too much stake on the stallion standing next to me.
Lilac stared at us for a minute. "Uh. I um, can't."
"Why not?" Jack asked. "You want to race. And I heard you talking to your father. He's given you permission."
"You didn't tell me!" I exclaimed as Lilac flushed a deep red. "So what's your problem?"
"I can't ride BD. I have- Um-" She shot a look at Willifred, but the trainer raised his hands in offense.
"This is your story to explain. I can't say I agree with it- but your life is a ride I have no say in." With that, he left. Jack and I raised eyebrows at his strange choice of words. Lilac ducked her head, closing her eyes.
Jack looked at her. "Care to explain about that?"
"Not really. You'll find out soon enough. Let's get these horses put away."
Conflicted, I led BD after Jersey Boy and Lilac, struck by the sight of the other horse's tail for the second time that morning.
*****
After exercising a slowly recovering Holiday Break, and sneaking a few carrots out to Mia and My Girl, I wove my way back to Bloodless Day's stall. To my surprise, Jack was sitting just outside of the stall, one arm propped against the silver slimmness of a wheelchair, the other holding a poptart out to an irritated Bloodless Day.
"Jack?" My voice came out a little more like a reprimand than I intended. Both BD and Jack flinched. The poptart fell. "What the heck are you doing?"
He turned a guilty face to me. "I'm trying to get him used to me. I should be better by summer, so maybe..."
"The doctors said you might not be able to ride again."
"And I said something that they can't repeat to small children and the elderly."
We shared a fleeting smile, then I moved to sit on the ground next to the wheelchair, passing Jack the poptart. BD watched the exchange with greedy eyes. The shedrow was comfortable, quiet, with the swish and stamp of horses within the recesses of the stall and the sleepy buzz of a fly. Summer was reaching towards us through spring, eager to grasp Kentucky in its slippery palm.
BD nearly fell asleep. Jack started nodding off. And then I said, "I think it's a good idea."
They startled awake. "You do? What idea?"
"You. And him." I shrugged towards Bloodless Day, who's ears were pricked towards us. I noticed a stray sliver of hay in his forelock and made a note to brush it over again.
Jack blew out a deep breath. "I think.... I don't know. He's better with you. So maybe you can help me with him?"
"Of course. I want him to run." Really, I wanted to run with him, but I was not so vain that I would refuse to acknowledge the impossibility of this.
"And with me?"
"Better you than a stranger."
"Lilac?"
Reaching up, I took the poptart from Jack and gave it to BD. As though to rub in his gross display of favoritism, the stallion took the treat from my hand with exaggerated carefulness, crunching into the sugary pastry. Crumbs rained down on me as he nodded, begging for more. "I don't know," I admitted, troubled. "That was weird, this morning. You'd think she'd be over the moon at being allowed to race. But that was the first I've heard of it."
"And what Willifred said? That her life-"
"Is a ride? Something like that," I nodded. "And he has no control or whatever over it. But why would he think about controlling her life? He's not her dad. They're not even that close, are they?"
Jack shook his head, perplexed. "He's her trainer, but I don't think they've ever been personally close."
"Is a ride...." I mused, shifting so my arms were hooked around the front of my legs. The stable floor was hard. "But that sounds like her life- like why she lives or something- is about riding."
"Which it is," Jack nodded, considering. "Or! He meant, her life is a ride, like she already has a ride! To race! But who?"
"And if she's racing one of our horses, of course it's his business." I countered.
"Our?" Jack flicked a poptart crumb at me, but I could tell he was pleased. "But that doesn't mean she can't also ride BD. I ride-" He paused, expression pained. "-rode several horses. So why can't she ride BD and this other horse?"
"Maybe they'd be competing against each other?"
Jack shrugged. "Most of our two year old crop is good, yeah, but none are outstanding like good ol' BD here." Bloodless Day snorted. Darn right I am.
"Hmm. So, she already has a horse. That much is clear," I said, though this conversation was anything but. "That doesn't explain why Willifred doesn't have a say in it. Maybe her dad overrode him?"
"That'd be stupid. Willifred's done nothing but produce winners; her dad wouldn't mess with that. So....." Jack frowned. I waited patiently while he worked this though, because it was obvious that something had occurred to him. By the tilt of his head, though, I could tell it wasn't pleasant. "The only thing that really makes sense is if she wasn't on one of our horses."
"She wouldn't!"
"If she had a really good opportunity, I think she would."
I didn't want to think about that. "Let's talk about something else. Let's put BD in his pasture-" a nicker came from the stall. "- yeah, we'll do that. Go get your crutches.
Jack drummed his hand against his arm rest sheepishly. "Um, well, the reason I'm in this metal bucket is because the rubbery bit on the crutch bottom fell off. So whenever I lean on them they slip out from under me."
I stared at him for a long, awkward moment. Jack began shifting uncomfortably. Then, "I think maybe you should stay in the chair anyways. It'll help you heal better than constantly using the crutches and putting weight on that leg. You have a racehorse to ride."
*****
Lilac remained annoyingly tight lipped about her racehorse, but it became obvious that Jack's theory was right. No new horses were added to her exercise list, and no new horses came in.
Still stuck on our plan, Jack began hanging out with me constantly. If I was grooming BD, he was there, chatting unconcernedly, wheelchair a safe distance from the hooves on either end of the horse. If I was grazing him, Jack was there, edging as close as he could get before the flattened ears and flashing teeth came his way. In the morning, Jack wheeled by his stall and tossed in a carrot. When this began, both Jack and I received the silent treatment, but after a week BD let out a nicker when he saw me, and we resumed our customary greeting of nickers and soft breaths and the searching of pockets for treats.
Jack began working me. Hard. If I wasn't eating, sleeping, or breathing horses, I was riding them. Every horse. From the upstart young stallion to the most timid of mares, two year olds and three year olds and four year olds and twelve year olds. Bloodless Day, Derek's precious chestnut mare OhNoYouDidnt, Jersey Boy (once), Magic, and nearly every other horse Jack thought could teach me something. "You're going to learn to ride so well you're going to have to start translating English to Horse and back to English to understand it!"
And he was right. Sort of. Main became mane. Lead to lead to lead. In math, I started comparing times to times, particularly of Bloodless Day's to other Derby horses of the past. It was an obsession.
Mom noticed. "Anna! I'm going to pull you from that job if you keep this up! Your grades are suffering."
I'd never been a straight A student. But I'd never been a straight C student. So I traded Lilac and I's joking drives to and from school for intense study sessions. She'd drive and I'd ask questions, and I'd drive and she asked questions.
It was madness. I fell asleep exhausted and woke up tired, and I sometimes thought about how much more relaxing it would be to not have my life revolve around a thousand pound animal that ran in a circle, but I also wondered what I did before Kentucky, because this was life and I'd never felt more alive.
*****
Well then!
Who do y'all think Lilac's ride is?
So. The pony. He's freaking adorable. I'm riding him tomorrow, last Friday I spent the time getting used to him. Join up, grooming, singing (because he's gotta get used to my terrible voice eventually), and attacking his mat of a tail. Twas fun. I'm excited to get him back into shape. And I'll probably continue updating y'all on him because Pony.
ALSO 956 READS ON THIS ARE YOU KIDDING?! That's AMAZING!!! Thank you so much to everyone who's stuck with this story. ♡ Y'all rock.
~Iggy