Today is our promo shoot, so no dancing. I wish my family would've stayed, but I would just be shooting all day and not hanging out with them. My alarm goes off an hour early. I need extra time to cover up the 16 cuts. I anxiously make my way to the bathroom, praying that the cream worked.
I examine the painting that I drew on my wrists. The old scars are starting to fade. The newer ones are white. The fresh ones are purple-pink. The cream works. But I can only use it on occasion so I don't run out.
I apply three heavy layers of foundation, then a concealer. The new ones are still a little visible. Thinking quickly, I apply some yellow eyeshadow to negate the purple and then apply a new level of foundation. It works. Nobody can see the artwork that you paint on your skin, Lilliana. They won't like it.
It's only 4:45. I decide to get dressed early. For once, I don't have to wear any ALDC merch. I decide to grab some black leggings and a black and white long-sleeved striped crop top. Mom wakes up early too, I guess. She curls my hair, leaving it down, and adds an LK clip on the side.
I take my medicine and try to remember my calorie count. 200 calories. Well, at least there isn't a chance they'll get takeout. It's almost certain. Mom's packing lunch for me. I'm sorta grateful. It's easier to fake.
Mom gives me a bowl of Cheerios dry. We must be out of milk. I'm a lucky kid today. They're 102 calories, so I only eat half, which means I only consume 56 calories. You can't eat half your calories in one sitting if you wanna make it through the day, Lilliana. If you eat all of the calories, you're so dumb.
I grab my shoes, my dance bag, my phone case with the razor secured inside, and my water bottle before rushing out the door. The shoot starts at nine o'clock, and we have to be there by eight. It's seven-fifteen. We're not carpooling today, just driving alone.
When we arrive at the studio, I see Ms. Tricia's car. What? She and Brady are back in Miami, right? Mom doesn't seem to take notice, but I can see a smile creeping onto her face. What's going on? I walk into the studio and see Pressley and Hannah and Elliana are already there.
Soon, Kamryn, Sarah, and Gia arrive. Once we all arrive, we all get in a van driven by a crew member to this foreign location for our promo shoot five minutes from the studio. I have butterflies in my stomach, desperately wanting to chat with my friends. They aren't your friends, Lilliana. They just want to use you to get closer with Ms. Abby. After all, for some dumb reason, you're her favorite. It won't last long, though.
We all pile out of the car into a small studio. We all start getting our hair and makeup done. Since mine is already done, I go first for the first part of the interview. After I get wired up, I take a deep breath before I am given instructions on what to say.
"I want you to say your first name, how long you have been dancing, and your favorite dance move then you demonstrate the move," the interviewer tells me.
She gives me a nod and I state, "Hi, my name is Lilly. I've been dancing for eight years, and my favorite dance move is a contortion handstand."
I then bend down and into a single stag handstand, my right leg in front of me. I then bend my left leg forward parallel and smile, looking up.
"Great. Now, Mom, I want you to come here and Lilly, can you 'teach' your Mom how to do a trick that she already knows," the interviewer tells us.
Once again, a nod, and I say, "This is my mom Stacey, and I'm going to be teaching her how to do a front walkover. So the first thing you're gonna do is stand like this, and you're gonna put your feet, with your hands on the floor, and you're going to kick over and come back up."
Mom then demonstrates and everybody claps. The first part of the interview is over, for me at least. Elliana goes next, then Hannah, then Kamryn. Then, somebody walks through the door that we least expected...
"Brady!" Pressley squeals and goes running to none other than Brady Farrar.
A wave of shock hits me, then a rush of excitement as we all run up to hug him. He's back! We all start jumping around together in excitement.
"I - can't -be-lieve- Ms.- Abby- let -you- come- back," Hannah exclaims out of breath in between jumps.
We all stop jumping so Brady can get his hair done, which is just the tiniest bit of gel. I'm so happy. I missed him so much. But now I have one more person to keep this secret from. Brady is probably going to be the first one to rat you out if he notices something is wrong. He cares about you for some reason, Lilliana. He shouldn't, but he does. You have to be extra careful now. Good luck.
***brady***
I can't believe Ms. Abby let me come back. I thought I would never dance with Pressley, or Hannah, or Lilly, or GiaNina ever again. But something seems off with everybody. Like they're hiding a secret. And Lilly, she looks different. Skinnier. In my opinion, a little too skinny. When Lilly goes to the bathroom and I finish doing my interview, Pressley pulls me aside with all the other girls.
"We have something to tell you about Lilly," Hannah mutters, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
Sarah takes over, "It's gonna be hard to swallow. We know Lilly is like a little sister to you. But, we think- I can't say it."
"You guys are getting me nervous," I weakly chuckle, nervous about what they think is wrong with Lilly?
"Ok, ok, ok. Basically, we think Lilly has an eating disorder," Pressley whispers, and chills run down my spine.
"Isn't she like-ten?" I ask.
"Remember, she had bulimia when she was seven. On the mini team. But we don't think it's some relapse. We think it's anorexia instead," Elliana informs me, voice breaking at the end.
"Why haven't you talked to her?" I ask, very confused at the way they are approaching this potentially life-threatening suspicion, gripping Pressley into a tight hug as I see her crying.
"We're too scared. But I mean, look at her, you can see her spine too much, her ribs are starting to become visible through her shirt, her legs- they look like there's barely more than bones," Gia mentions and I see Lilly skip into the room.
She does look skinnier than I originally thought. Everything is loose on her. She looks like, ten pounds underweight. She seems so happy though. Until I see her eyes. They are screaming for help. I get why they're scared to approach her.
"I'll keep it a secret. I promise. But we have to ask her eventually," I whisper and they nod in understanding.
***lilly***
The other part of the interview goes smoothly. They make me change my shirt, though. It's another two hours of the same thing before we have lunch. Mom packs a sandwich. Great. I look at the six baby carrots. Don't eat them all, Lilliana. They're sixty calories in all! I decide to go for four carrots.
"Lilly, you haven't touched your sandwich," Brady points out, and I freeze as everybody stares at me.
Lie, Lilliana. Brady can't know that that sandwich can ruin your entire career if you eat it. Nobody can know in that matter. I gulp down a small bite of the baby carrot before replying to his comment.
"No, I just had a really big breakfast and I haven't been able to work it off," I lie, and I can see he doesn't believe it but nods anyway.
I look down at my sandwich, and I almost take a bite of it before I jerk my hand away and just look at it. How dare you think of eating the sandwich, Lilliana! Shame on you for thinking that you could eat a sandwich!
Before I know it, lunch is over and we are ordered to do the promo shoot and then some dancing stuff. First is the dancing stuff. There are a lot of girls that definitely did not audition. Ms. Gianna quickly goes over a combo and bam, we're on camera. I do all of the steps perfectly while doing my faces. It's not long, and we do multiple different sets of three people so that everybody can have something to use for their interviews.
After that, we have one final photoshoot. It's Game Of Thrones themed. That means we are the iron throne and Ms. Abby is the queen. Since we have an even amount of people, and we need an odd amount of people, Ms. Gianna is stepping in. We are all wearing these gray leotards and matching leggings that shimmer to make us look like metal. I'm glad it isn't just the leotard.
Ms. Abby gets set up first, a crown adorning her head and a scepter in her hands. Me and Elliana go on either side of her, squatting, turning our foot out, and crossing our right leg behind our left leg. Kamryn goes behind me and Pressley goes behind Elliana. Then Gia on my side and Sarah on her side. Hannah on mine. Ms. Gianna on hers. Brady is stepping on boxes to make him seem taller as he is in the middle. We all extend our arms for a couple of photos and keep a straight face as we take a couple of photos.
After that, Ms. Abby wheels away, and me and Kamryn switch so we can do one of just the kids. You are so unphotogenic and ugly, Lilliana. These photos are going to look horrendous. Once we finally get out of these skin-tight costumes, we are dismissed. I immediately start to do schoolwork in the car, finishing my English by the time we get to the apartment.
"The moms are going to do their grocery shopping. All of the kids are going to be in the rec room doing their homework. I expect you to be there too," Mom orders me and I nod in understanding.
I drag all of my stuff to the rec room where Hannah and Elliana are already there. They wave at me while continuing their schoolwork and I sit on a fluffy chair to begin mine. I start my social studies work as all of the other kids come in.
All of the other kids flock over Brady, asking him questions. I stay quieter, chirping in occasionally, but keeping myself a little more reserved to not annoy him. I do listen intently, however. His room number is 308, right next to Pressley's. She must be elated. I finish my schoolwork before everybody else, so I say my goodbyes and exit the room.
I'm glad nobody asked me any questions. They may be able to conspire, but I don't think anybody has the guts to ask me. Half of me wants them to ask. Maybe I'll get help. Getting help means gaining weight, Lilliana. And you can't gain weight if you want to be a dancer.
I make my way up to my apartment. Mom is home, thank goodness, or I'd have to wait in the lobby like a weirdo. She's watching television and on her phone, again. I set down my dance bag on the counter and I grab my pointe shoes. Might as well do some pointe since I didn't dance today. I go up and down a couple of times, do a couple of turn sequences on the pointe, and do my ballet positions. Nothing much, but it helps me whenever I do ballet.
"Lilly? Want anything for dinner?" Mom yells through the wall.
"No, I'm not that hungry, actually," I yell back through the wall, praying that it doesn't tick off any suspicion.
"Alright, I'm not really in the mood to make anything right now anyway, so just get ready for your thing, okay?" she asks me and I nod.
Today has been a slow day for the urges today. They haven't urged me to throw up what I ate, I mean, they have urged me to not eat as much as I wished today, but overall, it hasn't been a big day.
I weigh myself. Beep. 64.4. Four-tenths of a pound lost today. Not too bad. I don't feel the overall tingle to cut my wrists. So I don't. I pick out a white blouse, a white and purple inkwell skirt, and some navy sneakers. My hair goes up into a high ponytail.
I grab my phone, double-checking for the razor so Mom doesn't find it. I slip out of the door into the elevator. I go up to the roof and Gia and Pressley are there. They seem civil with each other, not speaking much, but not scowling.
All the other girls and Brady come up eventually, all in their somewhat semi-formal clothes. I have no idea what we're gonna do. That is until I see a stack of cards on the table. Charades.
We all draw random names out of a cup. The teams are Sarah and Hannah, Kamryn and Gia, Elliana and Pressley, and Brady and I. The terms are all dance moves and we have one minute to do them all. I just hope nobody gets hurt.
Kamryn goes first. When Kamryn goes, she only gets three because she can't do some of the stuff that we've put down. Gia gets four. In total, their group gets seven. Elliana and Pressley go up next. In total, they get nine, putting them higher than Gia and Kamryn's group.
Next, we go. I manage to get six for Brady. Then I step up. I do a backsplit, a contortion handstand, an arabesque, a pas de bourree, and an illusion turn. We get twelve points. We're now in first place above the other teams that have competed.
In the end, we win. It's almost eight. We have to go back to our apartments. We all hug each other goodbye and I rush to my apartment, trying to interact with my friends as little as possible for fear of people asking me questions.
I take a shower without cutting myself. The urges haven't urged me to do it. They were on the down-low today. Maybe because I didn't eat any junk food and I wasn't dancing. I put on some tye-dye pajamas, and Mom tucks me in again. But getting a forehead kiss from your mother doesn't keep the bad dreams away.
~~~~~