A few days later...
"What?!" Yuna yells out, completely shocked at what I just told her. We're driving to the bonfire where Jimin, Jungkook, and their friends are, so it's late at night and freezing. Apparently, from what Jungkook told me, it's deserted. No one will be around, and it's perfect for a hangout.
"Oh, chill out, it's nothing too serious..." I explain to her. And it really isn't. To me that is. What we have is complicated...once again.
"Nothing too serious?! You're practically dating Jeon Jungkook!"
I told her about the agreement. I felt like I had to. I don't know if I should have, considering I told Jungkook not to, and with the way she's reacting, I'm not sure if it was a good ideas. I scoff at her statement. "That's not true, we're not dating. There is no way in hell I would date Jungkook, I don't feel that way about him, nor will I ever feel that way about him. We're just friends again, that's all." I may be denying my own feelings right now, but I'm not going to admit anything. There's nothing going on and that's the truth.
"Really? You two kiss whenever, you stay at his apartment as of right now, you two are also sleeping together, and you two are always talking. Even in school, I can't walk alone with you. You two are totally dating!" She lists all of those things and my mind goes blank on how to defend myself. Can I hide it at this point...? "Look, I won't be mad if you like him... I like Jimin, I understand..."
I shake my head immediately. "No, I don't like Jungkook. We just have like a... friends with benefits situation. Nothing more..." I stutter to find the right words, gripping the steering wheel so I don't swerve off the road.
"Right... And 'friends with benefits' kiss, hug, and tell each other they love one another. Because this doesn't defeat the whole purpose of an F.W.B..." I can hear the sarcasm at my words, but I don't give her any looks so she can see my doubtfulness.
I roll my eyes. "Look, it's complicated... We were just best friends before so it's easy to tell him I love him. And the only reason we sleep together and kiss each other is so I don't do it with anybody else. I'm not proud of it... I'm sure he only kisses me because he knows how it makes me feel so I won't go after others."
"Y/n, Jungkook likes you," Yuna deadpans.
My eyes fly to hers with furrowed eyebrows. "What? What does that even mean?" I say with a scoff, like I'm trying to deny everything. Which I am.
"Why would he try to convince you to sleep with him? Why does he care so much for you? Why does he get upset if you talk to other guys? Why is he so willing to let you stay with him? And why is he always kissing you??" She pauses, and I let myself think. Oh, God. "He likes you, Y/n! How could you not see it?!"
I shake my head again and again. "That's bullshit, no he doesn't. He just feels bad for me..."
"No, you're just denying it because you like him too! Love is blind, you know" she says practically squeals like a little girl, making me groan. I don't want to listen to anything else she has to say. "And for goodness sake, he not just doing this because he 'feels' bad... It seems like he didn't mean what he said in that phone call, you aren't just a pity party..."
I sigh, my head hitting the rest as my eyes stay glued to the road. I don't want to make eye contact. I don't want her to see the doubt in me right now. I'm always scared.
"Hang out with him tonight..." she blurts. "I don't need you to monitor everything I do. Talk with Jungkook, have fun with him, don't talk about the agreement, the drama, or anything. Just treat tonight as a date, or a hangout, or whatever you want it to be, and see how he makes you feel truly..."
I know how I feel about him, I'm just scared about how he feels about me... Are his actions true? Does he like me? Is this not just pity? He says he loves me, and I feel like it's true, but I'm scared it's not how I think... So do I push him away again? Is that right?
...
We get the area, and I park my car on the grass, and I know it won't be easy to find later if I'm at all intoxicated. I notice the fire from afar and Yuna and I walk towards it quickly, eager to get warm quickly. The boys notice us, I think.
"Hey!" Someone yells, waving an arm. Yuna waves back while I just smile a bit at her, not bothering to respond when she already did. There's multiple guys there. A few girls, but all guys I know because they're Jimin and Jungkook's friends on the soccer team. But there's one here that catches my eye. Hana... Jesus Christ. I mean her brother is a friend of Jungkook's, but still. Why is she here?
"Y/n!" I hear a familiar voice from behind say happily. I turn and meet eyes with a smiling Jungkook, and he rushes over to embrace me quickly, arms tight around my body.
I can't say it didn't feel nice. It's freezing right now, and the bonfire is the only thing that's giving us warmth. Except Jungkook's body heat. "You act like we didn't see each other in classes," I poke him, and I laugh a bit.
"Still, it's nice to see you," he replies as he sets his chin on my head. I push him away to tease at him just a bit and he smiles brightly. "Did you drive long?" He asks.
I shake my head. "Not really. But this is an odd place to have a bonfire... Why is it so far out?"
"Not sure. Someone's private property," Jimin butts in. "But we've been here before several times and not been caught. Looks like nobody even comes here anyway..." he says. "Beer?" Jimin offers me, giving me a look, but Jungkook steps in, shaking his head.
"No, I think she's fine..." the older one raises an eyebrow before he shrugs and moves on.
This time I give Jungkook a look. "Hey... I can't drink tonight? I've been good recently..."
"Mhm, but you have to drive Yuna home, and I don't want to deal with you drunk tonight. Remember last time?" He asks, making me frown. "Besides, I need a cuddle buddy," he teases, nose scrunching as I smile back. That's what it is... God, I have to quit that... I clear my throat, and nod.
"I'll have just one drink."
I grab a beer from the cooler, and pop it open as Jungkook raises an eyebrow at my behavior. My sudden mood change confuses him, and it's not my intention to make him so bewildered, but I don't want to engage romantically with him tonight, especially in public...it's too scary. It needs to be simple between us. This was only sex at first... maybe now it has to be a little bit more than just that because I'm staying with him until I find a place, but it has to be just that...
I sip my beer, standing awkwardly next to Jungkook, while I scan my eyes over the crowd. I see Yuna talking with Jimin like normal, Taehyung and Namjoon chatting with a beer in hand, Seokjin, Hoseok and Yoongi all laughing about something too, and then Hana talking on the phone. I don't bother with her tonight... I don't even know why she's here.
I hear Jungkook clear his throat, and shifting a bit. "So, the semester has ended... Any break plans?" He asks randomly, his foot digging in the dirt like a shy kid. I want to laugh to myself, but I feel uneasy right now. The atmosphere between Jungkook and I isn't comfortable... I mean, I caused it, but it's still irking.
"No, just finding an apartment...and a job," I grumble, licking a rock with my foot before taking another sip of my drink.
He chuckles a bit. "Look, Y/n, don't stress about finding an apartment, I don't mind you staying with me..."
"Yea, but I doubt you want me crashing in your bed every night, my shit everywhere, and having to cook for two... It sounds like hell." Jungkook laughs entirely now, his eyes lighting up as he shoves a hand in his pocket. I give him a look, wondering what I said that was so funny.
"It doesn't sound that bad... I don't mind you there at all, really. It's nice having company."
His words make my heart warm, and I catch myself smiling at him. I don't want to do that... I don't like that he can do that to me. I clear my throat, snapping myself out of my thoughts. "I'm gonna go sit by the fire. It's getting colder..."
•
"Damn," I mumble, rubbing my arms as it's cold as hell out here. I'm covered in goosebumps, and nearly shaking, despite I'm right next to the fire that's radiating heat. "What's wrong?" Yuna asks, and I turn to look at her. She notices I'm cold after a second of looking at me, and nods. "Cold?" I nod back, and she scoots closer so we can share body heat.
"You're cold?" I hear Jungkook's voice say behind me, and I turn my head to see him. He holds a beer bottle in his hand and is leaning on the little ledge behind him.
"Yea, it's a little chilly. I should've brought a jacket with me..."
He smiles a bit to himself, but then continues to speak to me about it. "There's a jacket in my car. Do you want it?" He asks, only trying to be thoughtful. All I can think about though is if I wear his clothes in front of everyone, it's going to look weird. People are going to think we're together. But it's either that or I freeze my ass off for the next hour or so...
"Sure. I can go get it," I say, standing to wipe my pants off from the log I was on, and walk to grab his keys.
"I'll go with you."
I feel my insides warm, but I don't like the feeling it gives me at the same time. I'll deny that. "No, it's fine. I'll be right back."
"Y/n, it's okay, I'll go with you. Can't have you getting lost anyway..." he laughs a bit, and I realize I can't get out of it. I nod and let him lead the way to his car. We all parked towards the lower part of the hill we're on. So I understand his reasoning for wanting to go with me, since I'm a bit intoxicated, along with everyone else here. I just feel a bit awkward with him tonight. And I know it's because of what Yuna said.
He walks in front of me, leading me to where is car is, but we mostly are in silence. I don't feel like starting a conversation, but I'm also not sure if he feels the same way I do, or if he feels any tension. "How has Yuna been? Do her and Jimin get along well?" He asks randomly, looking back at me for a brief second.
"It seems like it's going well... I mean, they go out and everything still. She really likes him," I respond, now walking beside him instead of behind him so we can talk.
"Jimin tells me all about their dates. He gets so excited... He reminds me of myself a little bit," he says, and I notice that his car is only a few feet ahead of us now.
"Really? How?" I ask, genuinely curious what he means.
"Well, when I want to do something with someone I really care about, I get pretty persistent in the idea. Like when I asked you to come to the bonfire the other day, I was really happy when you agreed because I really wanted you here," he explains, unlocking his car and opening the door.
He leans in and grabs his jacket from the backseat, while I think about what he just said. "Why?" I ask simply, wanting to know his reasons behind it. If it's because what I think it is, I might want to leave this place right when we get back. He faces me, when a deadpanned look.
"It's obvious," he states. He hands me the jacket and I gulp, not liking that answer.
I pull the jacket over my arms, and he helps fit it more on. "Well, I'm asking, so clearly it's not..." I continue to get him to explain himself. I want him to be honest and tell me what it is about me that makes him want to be with me this badly. I just don't understand. He's standing so close to me, helping fix his big jacket on me, that our faces are only centimeters apart. I feel my cheeks burn, and it's been a long time since they've done that. He makes eye contact with me, and I feel the world stop in its tracks.
He only looks me in the eyes, and I gulp once again, feeling so shy right now, but not wanting to look away. I can tell our faces inch closer together, and I don't know how to stop it. Do I want to? The way he's looking at me, and then my lips is so addicting to me, because I know exactly what those lips taste like. How they feel, how they kiss... it's all perfect. Jungkook dips down and seals our lips, his hands finding their way to hold my hips and bring me closer.
We're kissing now. Something I didn't expect when I came down here, but at the same time, something so mind blowing and pleasurable. His lips at first move softly against mine, but once I begin to kiss back with some passion and want, he starts to speed it up, entering his tongue and moving his hands along my body. I don't feel uncomfortable with any of this, in fact it feels absolutely amazing, but my mind keeps trying to tell me to stop kissing him, and go back up before people start to suspect, but his lips are like a drug to me. I keep coming back more and more addicted than before.
I feel him slightly push me backwards, so I take a step back, my hands climbing up into his hair, and my back hitting the side of his car. We both break and reconnect, keeping the kiss going back and forth with desire right now. He moves my hips for me while I pull his hips closer, allowing there to be some sexual desire now going on. He practically flattens me on the car entirely, not allowing me off or allowing me to move except if it's to grind with his hips.
I break away for a split second, needing to catch some air. "Jungkook," I murmur, leaning my head on the car in near exhaustion. He intertwines his hands with mine and pushes them against the car as well so I can't move.
"Fuck," he says, leaning back over to peck my lips, then start to kiss his way down my jaw and neck. The grinding never stops, the both of us wanting and needing to feel each other's pleasure and desire, almost like never before.
I feel my head begin to come back into reality once his lips aren't on mine. It's getting clearer now what we're doing, and how long we've been doing it. Damn it. This has to stop. "Kook, we have to get back," I say, trying to hold back a moan when he licks a sweet spot of mine.
"They won't even know how long we've been gone..." he mutters right in my ear, gnawing on my earlobe. I whine right there, not being able to control myself now with the way he's speaking to me. I'm weak when it comes to intimacy with Jungkook.
I'm able to release my hands from his grip and pull him back up by the neck so we can kiss once more. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep falling back into this trap. We can't be together... I can't love him like he deserves. I can't give him what he wants, no matter how much he thinks I can.
I break away, panting and out of breath from what just happened. I have no words. I'm speechless. I can't believe I let this happen again. I can't keep allowing this. "We should get back..." I say, looking anywhere but his eyes.
He swallows, licking his lips as I can see it in my peripherals. "Okay..." he says, dropping his hands, but not backing away from me. I have to walk away from him, wiping my lips subtly, not to hurt him, but so I can look presentable again. I walk back up to the bonfire by myself, not looking back to see where Jungkook is.
I get back up there, noticing Jimin now next to Yuna. I sit on the other side of her, smiling gently. Jungkook walks up right after I do, and Jimin calls after him. "Took you long enough," he says, giving Jungkook a sort of look I notice. The younger boys cheeks flush, but he doesn't smile. He shrugs and then goes and gets himself a new beer.
...
"We didn't date, technically," I add to Taehyung's previous comment, wanting to laugh at him a little bit that he's randomly bringing this up. "We went a few times but I wouldn't call it dating."
"We hooked up for sure." He states, taking a gulp from his beer as he looks at me with a smile.
I roll my eyes sarcastically, finding him a bit amusing. "Well no shit," I laugh. "I didn't forget that, dumbass."
Taehyung chuckles, nudging me in a friendly way before talking some more. "I didn't either. Didn't it happen in my kitchen the first time? It was right after a party I threw and I think you stayed the night. At least that's what I remembered when waking up and seeing a bunch of odd things on the floor." I burst into laughter, nearly falling off the bench I'm sitting on when I hear that. I have to calm myself down before talking back.
"That did not happen the first time, you were just drunk," I laugh with Taehyung, remembering the time we both hooked up, but not because of the sexual context. It's more because he can't remember how it happened.
"I wasn't that drunk, but I do remember it happening on the counter that night..."
I shake my head furiously. "No, that never happened! You're thinking of a different time—!"
"Y/n." My name is called, and I meet eyes with the person who did it. I turn to see an angry looking Jungkook, arms crossed over his chest, and his eyes narrowed. He looks at me with fire in his eyes, literally the fire reflecting in them, a stone cold feeling exuding off his face as soon as I glance over it. He nudges for me to come over, and I do, holding up an apologetic finger to Taehyung for him to wait.
"Hm?" I stand and walk over to him.
"What are you doing?" He asks, like he's trying to buff his chest out and make himself seem bigger than I am. I won't be intimidated by him, and whatever is going on in his head... if he wants to tell me something, he should just open his mouth and do it.
"What do you mean? I'm talking..."
He sighs, shifting in his stance, and frustrated I'm not reading his stupid message. "Why are you flirting with Taehyung? And talking about sex, of all the things?" He asks angrily.
I blink at him for a second. "I'm not flirting with Taehyung, Jungkook, what are you on about? We're talking, I'm being social, do you want me to always talk with you and have no friends??" I push my hair back with my hand in frustration, ready to pull it out. Jesus, his attitude is annoying me...
"I don't mean that and you know it, but just imagine I just went up to Hana and started talking about sex with her. I just don't like how I have to follow all of your fucking rules, my mine is just shit, apparently," he spits.
"That's different, Jungkook," I say, and he scoffs. Things are getting tense. "And I have followed all your rules. I haven't spoken to anybody, talked to any other guys, or anything like that, and the only guy I've slept with recently is you, so fuck off," I retort, trying to keep my voice down and not attract any lingering eyes. I realize my words became too hostile, and I sigh, apologizing to Jungkook. "Kook, all I'm saying is—,"
"No, you've made your point." He says, face stone cold. "I'll back off... Go sleep with random guys if that's what you really want." He exhales, and pushes his hands back into his pockets and walks off.
I feel a bit guilty. But I don't regret anything I said, except how I said it... He shouldn't be trying to control me like that as if we were in a relationship and exclusive. We aren't. Jungkook and I are only friends, and it's going to stay that way. I don't think I want it any other way... I think.
I walk off and sit down next to Yuna, sighing quietly as she looks at me. "I saw that..." she whispers. My eyes fly to her and I look at her desperately.
"Were we too loud?" She shakes her head and I exhale with a bit of relief. But still not much. If people saw how Jungkook and I act regularly, people would definitely think we're dating. And that's what I'm terrified of. I can't have people thinking that.
"Why do you push him away like that? He's only looking out for you..."
"Because..." I mutter, my palm against my forehead as I my eyes close. I think and ponder everything that's happened between us. "Shit, I let this go too far, didn't I...?" I ask myself aloud. "I mean, it's like you said, we're practically in a relationship, and it can't possibly be that way, Yuna..."
Yuna fully turns her body to me, noticing I need her advice in this situation. Normally, I wouldn't ask for advice, but right now, I need it more than ever. "But why can't it be that way? Why do you rule out that you might like Jungkook, and he just might like you back...?" She lowers her voice, knowing the topic is sensitive and that I wouldn't want anyone hearing in right now. Especially about me liking Jungkook... though it's completely not true. At all. I don't like him...
Maybe.
"Because, I don't want it to be like that..." I sigh, looking away from her big eyes.
"Y/n—,"
"Trouble in paradise?" I hear a voice calling from behind the two of us. I look over my shoulder and see Hana's menacing face, peering down at me. I stand to reach her eye level. Probably even taller. "Can't keep your boy toy?" She asks, smiling in a sarcastic manner.
"What's the matter, can't keep your mouth shut and mind your own business?" I fire back, crossing my arms as I'm not in the mood.
"Can't help it with your loud mouth screaming her head off every few seconds... Did we not tell you? This isn't a club... You'll find that down the road, so why don't you take a visit," she ends with a smirking smile, and I nearly scoff at her. I roll my eyes, standing up and intending to walk away. Then I see her brother.
I see Yoongi a few feet away from me, so I impulsively, and simply ask him, "Can you not control your asshat of a sister?"
He stops his conversation to look at me, raising an eyebrow, lips pursing before he rolls them and sighs. "Jungkook, come get your girl, please..." he mutters.
What? Did he just call me Jungkook's girl??
I open my mouth to speak again, but my waist is being yanked away, forcing my feet to move along with them. I turn abruptly and see Jungkook's face, trying to calm me down. "Your girl?? I'm not your girl!" I say loudly, the incorrect statement causing this reaction.
"Y/n—," he tries to settle me, but he's interrupted.
"That's debatable," I hear someone blurt out. I turn my eyes to Jimin briefly, then back to Jungkook with furrowed eyebrows and a twisted look.
"Dude. Not helping!" He mutters at him through gritted teeth. I watch all of this with a a confused expression, ready to punch him if I'm honest.
"What the hell does that mean...?" I say loudly.
His eyes widen a bit. "What? That means nothing, you didn't mean anything right, Jimin??" He gives him sort of a forceful look, as if he was trying to send a message. He gave one like that earlier. I catch onto it quick enough. I'm not stupid.
"Jungkook, look at me." His eyes glance at me but they fly away after we make eye contact. I know when Jungkook lies. I know when he's trying to not look at me and he bites his lips, he's not being truthful with me. That's when I know he's nervous. "You fucking told."
"Y/n, I swear, it's not—,"
"Do they all know...?" I interrupt, scared to turn around, but I see Jimin, watching as he avert his eyes, gnawing his lip in a guilty manner. His reactions lets me know exactly what's going on, and I instantly feel embarrassment creep up my cheeks and into my body. My throat swells, and I feel so disgusting.
"To be fair...a lot of us guessed..." Hoseok, a friend of Jungkook's, adds. This makes the situation no better.
"Hoseok..." Jungkook mutters and rubbing his face with his hands, sighing as the place fills with silence and the fire crackling behind us. I feel like crawling into a hole and never coming out. I can't believe this is happening. I should've known it would. Why wasn't I more sensible? More aware? Jesus, now I look fucking stupid.
I pull my car keys from my pocket, and begin to speak again. "I'm leaving." I say, beginning to walk away.
Jungkook follows after me, not once leaving me alone as I walk to find my car. "Wait, Y/n, please."
"No, I'll find a hotel to stay in. Thanks for offering me your home, but I don't think we should be doing anything together for a while until I think some things over... Here's your jacket, too," I speak, tossing him his jacket and not once sparing him a glance in the dark. The group disappears from behind us as he chases me to hold me back. But I'm not staying another second in this embarrassment just for him. I can't do it.
Jungkook grips my wrist, halting me. "Why?" He asks in a breathy voice. "Why can't we just be how we are, why are you so worried about them knowing or how people are seeing us? You liked everything we've done together, why is it suddenly something you can't do because people know about it??"
"Because, Jungkook, I trusted you, and I trusted that you would keep this a secret! Now all these people see me as a fucking joke, and that I'm easy, and I'm some sick, broken girl who needs to be fucked in order to go about her day, when none of that is true!" I say in a louder voice.
He pulls me closer to him by my cheeks, holding our faces close, which makes my heart skip a beat. I don't like that it does that. I hate that I react that way. "Look at me. Don't think about them, don't think about how they see you, how your parents see you, or how any one sees you... just think about how you feel. You enjoy being with me, you enjoy staying with me... You love me, Y/n, why are you so focused about how everyone sees you?? I know it's not true! Is my opinion not enough...?"
"I don't want to look like some fuck doll, Jungkook!"
"You aren't!" He says frustratedly in my face, gripping my hands to yank me forward, while simultaneously shutting me up and making me stare at him. He realizes his harshness, and then pulls me in a tight embrace, surprising me. I feel tears gather in my eyes, and I don't know why it's happening right now, but it is. And it's in his arms. "Baby, let's go home..." he mutters, my face feeling the vibration from his chest.
"Don't call me that..." I say, my words muffled and he laughs gently at me, caressing my hair. I feel his lips press on the crown of my head, and then he lifts my face up, and presses his lips against mine. I let it happen, sighing into the kiss, and letting myself feel happy with him on me. It's feels so good. I don't want to stop.
He releases and caresses my cheek, wiping all my falling tears away. "Get in the car, I'll grab my things. I can drive..." I do as he says, while he walks back to the bonfire where everyone is at.
When he gets up there, the boys stare at him with wide eyes, and he just chuckles. "Dude, what happened?" Jimin asks. Jungkook smiles, picking up his things, and walking over to Taehyung. He looks at him straight in the face, and says something that everyone is able to hear.
"She's my girl."
He walks off with that, and the boys stare back with confused looks, especially Taehyung. "What the fuck?" Hana mumbles.
"Oh, don't be such an asshat."