***lilly***
I wake up at the nice hour of... three in the morning. The urges kept telling me to throw up the Clif bar. It's tempting, but everybody else is sleeping. Hannah has her head on my shoulder so I can't move. I turn my head ever-so-slightly. Everybody except Ms. Ann is asleep. I don't know why she's up. I look out the window and it looks like we're in the parking lot of the dance company. I guess we were all too asleep to wake up.
We're gonna be woken up in two hours. I can't do anything like be on my phone, because that emits light. I just look straight ahead, and the boring background of the seat forces me back to sleep.
"Lilly, wake up," Hannah mumbles, shaking me like I'm a ragdoll.
"I'm up!" I grunt, a wave of lightheadedness washing over me.
I steady myself, blinking a couple of times, gripping onto the seat. Eventually, it stops and I look at Hannah, who has a quizzical look on her face.
"I'm okay. Just a little light-headed," I tell her, giggling a bit to lighten the mood.
She furrows her eyebrows, but nods. Hannah's catching on, Lilliana. You didn't eat the Clif bar last night, and she probably saw you crying at the competition. You're such a bad masker.
"Girls! Off the bus. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Kamryn, I need to talk to you," Ms. Abby tells us.
"Bye! Thank you!" we all say as we exit the bus one by one and go to our cars.
I am exhausted. All I wanna do is sleep. But I know Mom will not let that happen. She'll probably want me to go to a friend's house or something.
"Hey, Lilly. Guess what? There's gonna be a surprise waiting for you back at the apartment, miss duet winner," Mom teases with a smile spread across her face.
Surprise and anxiety bubble up inside of me. I wonder what it is? Is it a new custom outfit? Is it a pet fish to keep me company? I have no clue. Your mother's probably lying. You don't deserve anything special, Lilliana. You don't even deserve to dance at the Abby Lee Dance Company. I hope this duet will take me off of probation at least. I open my mouth to speak but Mom cuts me off before I even say anything.
"Hold on, Lilly. I'm getting a call. Hello?" Mom says to the phone.
I sigh and flop back onto the car seat. I want Mom to listen to me for once in my life when I'm not having a damn meltdown. After a minute or two of banter, the phone call ends and mom looks very disappointed.
"So, I've just gotten news from Mr. Bryan, the executive producer. He says that we did not cause enough drama about the duet, and a cut had to be made. Long story short, the duet is not getting aired. I'm sorry, honey," Mom reveals to me and I almost begin to cry.
You just can't handle the truth, crybaby Lilliana. You weren't good enough. Pressley should've never been given a duet with you. She deserved someone better to perform the duet with. I'm not even excited about the surprise anymore. I mean, I'm not the first person to get dances unaired. Sarah has gotten a solo unaired, Pressley has gotten, like, two solos unaired. Stop being such a spoiled brat and accept you weren't good enough, Lillliana!
I force back my tears and take a deep breath. Maybe this week I'll have another duet, or maybe a solo. You don't deserve a solo, Lilliana. You're not good enough. I have to become excited about the surprise. Maybe it's gonna be really good. Maybe Mom is lying. Who knows? I take my medicine in the car and it's around seven when we make it to the apartment.
I walk up the stairs in my apartment anxiously, now becoming excited again and anxious for the surprise. My hands are shaking in suspense as Mom unlocks the door. She covers the hand with my eyes and leads me to the couch. My eyes stay closed as I hear something jingle. I giggle as I feel a heavy object placed in my arms. It's furry, and it's... moving? I open my eyes.
"Toby!" I exclaim as I see my fluffy white dog I haven't seen in weeks, hugging him tightly.
"Your dad and Caden also are here, but there at the Seven 11 getting some lottery tickets or something? They're only gonna be up for the day, though, so we're gonna go to a movie and then to this weird arcade," Mom informs me and I light up at just the fact that Caden and Dad are coming.
"Toby! Come here! Let's go to my room!" I say in my high-pitched cutesy voice, and Toby trots after me.
You can't eat anything at the movies, Lilliana. It will be the bane of your existence. Say goodbye to being skinny. Ugh, yes, I forgot about the worst part of movies. The snacks. Maybe I can break the rules. For my family. No calorie limit, no restrictions, no nothing. I can cut away the guilt tonight. I still shouldn't eat breakfast, though.
How dare you think of eating, Lilliana? And for such a useless reason. Your family won't care. I just don't want Dad or Caden to get suspicious.
I change into a light blue elbow-length sweater, black "skinny" jeans, black Nordstrom loafers, and this really cute lavender moto jacket. I put on a dash of makeup, apply another caking to my arms, and go cuddle with Toby again. I hear the heavy footsteps of Dad. I rush out of my room and jump into his arms.
"Hey, Lilly-Belle!" he says as he hugs me really tight.
"I missed you!" I giggle, Dad setting me down back on the floor so I can go hug my brother.
"Did you miss me?" Caden asks me, hugging me back.
"No, I kinda forgot you existed," I joke, laughing at the end.
"Very funny. Ready to go to see Wonder Park?" Dad asks and I nod, gulping a bit.
I can already smell the buttered popcorn and candy, and I give a small shudder nobody notices. We all pile into Mom's car, having to leave Toby behind. Nothing really much has happened in Fayetteville. I guess it rained a lot. No snow. I got to experience snow at least this winter.
I can skirt by the candy today. I'm not the biggest sweet tooth. But the popcorn is 350 calories. I order a small popcorn, light butter. That omits 50 calories. My parents nor my brother don't question. I guess they think I'm eating lighter because I'm dancing. That's only half of the story, though.
The movie's amusing. Not a bad movie. It's more for little children, but it's the only PG movie that's playing in the movie theater around this time. I also only eat half of the popcorn, so that's a score. 150 calories, approximately. The popcorn is still going to make you fat, Lilliana. You shouldn't have eaten it.
Afterward, we go to this odd arcade. It's glow-in-the-dark and has these fluorescent decorations on the wall. My socks only glow in the dark, since I'm not wearing any neon or white, other than my socks. Dad gets all of us cards with twenty-five bucks on them. Time to attempt to have some actual fun.
Air hockey, Pac-Man, skeeball, claw machines, this place has it all. I stand there for a second, not exactly knowing what to do. Caden eventually drags me over to the air hockey machine. Well, stinks for him, I'm great at it. You're not good at anything, Lilliana, even air hockey. The urges are right. I lost 3-8.
Everything is so amplified and overwhelming, but there is still a lot of cool stuff. Dad and Mom become obsessed with the hoop game. Caden has gone to play the Jurassic park shooting game that I've always hated. And I'm stuck on the unicorn plush claw machine. It takes a couple of tries, but I eventually get the unicorn plushie from the claw machine. My mind goes hazy for a second and I grip onto the machine.
"Lilly, are you good?" Caden asks me, exiting the game with a handful of tickets.
"Yeah, just the lights got to me for a sec. Skeeball match?" I offer, and we walk over to the machine.
I swipe the card and I guess my arm muscles come into play because I manage to score half of the balls into the 1,000 point area, doubling Caden's score. I grab the handful of tickets I receive and play on the other machines.
In the end, I manage to get this color-changing stress ball and a Chinese finger trap with the small number of tickets I obtained. I can't help but feel awful for the popcorn I ate earlier. And now my parents are proposing Shake Shack. You ate popcorn, Lilliana. And now you're gonna eat Shake Shack? You're gonna gain back all the 14 pounds you've lost in five weeks in one day.
I order what I would normally get. A cheeseburger, some normal fries, and then the last calorie shake that isn't coffee, the strawberry one. The total amount of calories: 1460. This is the number of calories I would eat in one week! In one sitting! Good thing Caden and Dad are driving back to Fayetteville tonight so I can throw it up. Toby greets us happily, jumping up and down.
"Hey, Toby!" I coo, pretending to be happy and excited.
I pick him up in my arms and snuggle him. I don't want him to leave tonight. I bring him to the couch and we all watch some television while catching up even more. I miss my fluffy dog. I feed him with some of the dog food Dad brought along. He gets to eat whatever he wants. Toby is a healthy weight, Lilliana. You are overweight. There is a difference. As Toby munches on his food, there is a knock on the door.
"The food must be here! I'll get it," Mom exclaims, getting up to retrieve the food.
I start shaking. How am I going to stomach this? I can maybe omit some of the fries and the shake. But who knows? You can't eat Shake Shack. It's gonna make you fat. Caden seems to take notice and gives me a quizzical look.
"I'm just a little chilly," I mention and he hesitantly nods, but doesn't seem to think much of it.
I feel awful for lying to my brother. He hated seeing me go through that. I mean, everybody involved with my life did, but I'm his sister. I promised him I wouldn't do this to myself again. Technically, I'm not. But I know it's just the same. And I can't bribe him to keep it a secret if I confess. He's not twelve.
Mom hands me my meal on a plate. I stare at the food and hesitantly take a bite of the burger, the taste filling me with anxiety. Cheeseburgers, fries, and shakes are separately going on my fear food list apart from fast food. Do you understand how many calories this is Lilliana? You're not eating for the next two days after this!
If Dad and Caden weren't here, I would wiggle my way out of dinner. But then they could conspire without my knowledge. I'm positive they would do that. Nearly in tears by the end of that, I take my last sip of the shake.
I wanna throw it up so bad. But I'll have to wait a couple more minutes. Dad, Caden, and Toby are leaving. I'm so upset to leave my fluffy dog. But sacrifices have to be made to achieve your dreams. Your dreams are stupid, Lilliana. You're never gonna be a dancer.
I hug my family goodbye and my dog even tighter. It's gonna be ten weeks including this week until I see them again. Ten weeks for me to get skinnier. Ten weeks to get better at dancing. Ten weeks to prove myself worthy of a national solo. You're never gonna get a chance to be a national soloist, Lilliana. You can barely do a back tuck.
After we say goodbye, I immediately decide to take a shower. And with a shower means vomiting. Heavily. My throat burns. It's on fire. I moan in pain. I gargle water in between vomit sessions. The toilet is a mix of toilet water, bile, Shake Shack, and blood from my nose.
I weigh myself before going into the shower. 64.8 pounds. I've lost some weight at least. My stomach hurts. I start crying in pain and sadness and just... everything. I grab the razor and go on a frenzy. I don't care how many times I cut on my wrists, I just need the release. I need the high.
Slowly, I recollect myself from the frenzy. I look at my wrists. Eight cuts. On each arm. Sixteen in total. This is going to be a beast to cover up. I apply this cream that Mom has stored for bruises. Maybe it will work on scars. This is a low point. I'm cold, scared, scarred, sad, stressed, angry, yet calm at the same time.
I bandage up my wrists with this thick white gauze tape, and put on fluffy leopard print pajamas that are really comfy. My ribs are showing more, but not enough. My stomach isn't as flat as it should be. My thighs aren't good enough. I'm not good enough. Never gonna be.
I don't care if Elliana can hear me, I start to cry myself to sleep. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I wanna die. I wanna die. I wanna die. I don't want to hurt anybody, but life is too painful. If the pain will spread upon everybody, then it will be more manageable if it's spread equally amongst them. But for now, a single four foot and a half, blonde-haired, green-eyed, ten-year-old dancer has to deal with it all. Alone. My door opens suddenly. I wipe my tears and hide my wrists as I see Mom.
"Can I tuck you in like I used to?" she asks me and I nod.
She tucks me into bed. I make sure to keep my wrists out of her view. Mom gives me a peck on my forehead and I for once begin to have a peaceful night. I want to start the ritual again. It makes me feel less alone. You will always be alone, Lilliana.
~~~~~