Chapter 52 January
"Would you like another piece of bee sting?" asks Professor Dieckmann YU with kind eyes.
It's Friday evening, Jan. 26, 2022, 7:47 p.m.
YU is sitting across from Dieckmann, holding his cup of tea. Just a moment ago, he was allowed to witness Sam's German father celebrating his so-called Friday sin with tasty indulgence. He took the second piece on behalf of his brother, who was celebrating his birthday today.
In Emden, on Germany's North Sea coast.
And Dieckmann is not only thinking of his favorite brother, but also of the other neighbor on the North Sea.
He thinks of Sam.
And even though he and YU never speak his name, as if they had made a secret pact, Sam is always hovering in the room.
Everyone misses him in his own way.
And for YU, it goes far beyond just missing him.
Every day he sees him.
Everywhere.
Yes, he has become more talkative.
Sometimes stands in small groups in the university.
Exchanges ideas. Supports others as they study.
Focuses on his degree.
Attends his therapy sessions and feels increasingly relieved.
But in every place, Sam is there, smiling at him.
While the others are talking, he sees Sam smiling at him from a small distance.
And when he smiles back, it awakens a moment of happiness in those around him.
Everyone notices.
YU has become more open.
Brighter.
And Sam accompanies him to every place he walks until he finally arrives at his place.
In the place that is waiting for him.
The place that hides Sam for him.
He misses him.
Feels him loving in more every day.
How every day the roots of his love grow deeper into him.
He misses Sam.
And every longing feeling is transformed into life energy.
At the speed of light he races through the atmosphere towards his world.
He glows.
Illuminated.
He feels enlightened.
And whenever impatience rages inside him and he wants to ask Professor Dieckmann about
Sam, something stops him.
He trusts Sam's Manfred.
He looks into his eyes and knows that he has to stick to their pack.
He will know when the time comes.
Until then, he wants to rob the light of its luminosity.
And grow.
"No, thanks. I'm full. Why didn't Professor Österreich come today? He approached me today at the university and told me about your brother's birthday. And whether I'm coming to visit you today? And how you were doing.
I assumed that he would also come tonight for the occasion.
He seemed a little groggy to me. Did he cancel? Did he catch a cold?", YU asks and sees Dieckmann's expression change.
YU notices so many different facets in his expression.
His eyes look sad, while his mouth contorts into a grim line.
And he puts the fork with the fragrant yellow morsel back on the plate.
As if he has lost his appetite.
As if he doesn't want to indulge in delight.
YU perceives.
And when Dieckmann does not answer, he decides to intervene.
"I see that something is working in you. Has something happened? Is something going on with Professor Österreich? Is he not well?" asks YU calmly.
Dieckmann directs his gaze to his legs.
What has time done to him?
His old legs were young and strong.
Carried him forward.
Carried him on the pedestal of his life.
And now they are running down the stairs of his life.
All that time.
And only filled with memories of Bernhard.
His ridiculously thin but nimble legs.
Accompanied him.
Everywhere.
And yet he was content.
He was by his side and he was content.
Inwardly strong, despite secret longing, he was content with their arrangement.
But now that time had already played a trick on him, the peaceful dam is breaking.
He can't.
Can't stand Bernhard.
Nothing about him.
Not a moment of his presence.
He is so angry. So endlessly angry.
At himself. At him. At time.
How could he have let himself fall for an unrequited love for so long?
How could Bernhard have held him for so long?
Secretly glamorize him with his loving gestures?
And then break his heart.
He should finally find himself a wife.
He was fed up with taking care of him.
And still showing jealousy when someone made a pass at the quite attractive Manfred.
And again and again then going back home to his wife.
How could he bear it for so long?
And the treacherous time always made him deny himself.
And now that he realizes that he was never allowed to love freely and was never loved freely, he doesn't want any more.
He wants his peace.
And finds his peace in Sam and YU.
"YU, you don't have to worry. Bernard is fine. He wasn't planning on coming over. Everything is fine.", Dieckmann replies again in a composed manner after averting his thoughtful eyes from his legs.
YU bounces off Dieckmann's walls, unwilling to give up.
"He didn't seem like he was doing well, though. There was a haze in his eyes. The usually cheerful optimist, looked hurt and sad.
How long has it been since you've seen each other? He always glows like that around you.
Maybe he misses you.
I know the eyes of a person who misses.
Always look at them in the mirror.
I know the veil.
You are comrades, aren't you? Did something happen?", YU asks for entrance into Dieckmann's inner self.
And now he also sees the veil in his eyes.
The call for the other.
YU feels his own call enveloping him.
He misses Sam so.
The endless time does not want to pass.
Persists in longing moments.
Doesn't want to be distracted.
And YU can only share the infinity of time with Sam in his thoughts.
Just as Dieckmann feeds on the memories of infinite time.
Both sit facing each other, lost in thought, and remain silent.
"We haven't seen each other in a while. I've been busy. I'll give him a call later. Don't worry about it," Dieckmann finally breaks the silence.
YU nods, understanding that Dieckmann is not ready to open up.
And since he would only ask for Sam if he opened up, he decides to end the evening for today.
"If it's okay with you, I'm going to leave now. I want to take all day tomorrow to study and get up early," YU says kindly, knowing full well that he will indulge in one of his adorable memory movies with Sam tonight.
"It's not that you need to study, but I enjoy your passion for reading. Of course I'll drive you home," Dieckmann replies.
"No, you don't have to. I'm looking forward to the cold air, my good music and the lights of the Berlin night. You can call Professor Österreich right then. I'd love it if he were there next Friday, too. Your company is so enriching," YU says and grins.
Professor Dieckmann smiles and understands YU's remark.
And after he bids him farewell, a voice in his head, demands the fulfillment of an unwanted wish.
He picks up his cell phone and stares at it grimly.
His fingers do what they want.
His hand guides the cell phone automatically.
And he feels the suppressed, familiar feeling when he hears Bernhard's voice on the phone:
"Manfred. Hello, congratulations on your favorite brother's birthday. You must have had two pieces of cake today. Is he doing well? Are you okay?"
Dieckmann found it hard to open his mouth.
He'd been very curt with Bernhard lately.
Rejected him and demanded his silence.
And eventually he managed to shut him up.
He let him have his freedom.
Hearing his voice again after almost a month is more painful than he would have admitted.
"How are you doing, Bernhard? YU're worried about you," Manfred replies calmly.
"How do you think I'm doing?
My best friend is fed up with me.
Wants his peace.
Well, and I only find my peace with him.
That's how I feel," Bernhard's sad voice rings out.
"But it's okay. I want you to have your peace. I want to give you your time.
YU don't have to worry. I'm sure he's transferring his feelings to me. He misses Sam painfully and thinks he perceives my pain too," Bernhard explains.
"And do you feel pain?" the question burns in Manfred.
Silence shows the traces of treacherous time.
"It doesn't matter. You shall have your peace," Bernhard finally says.
Dieckmann wants to hear it after all.
This unspoken answer is not enough for him. Is no longer enough for him.
"If you say so. Then I wish you a nice evening. Say hello to Claudia for me," Manfred wants to end the conversation and is interrupted by Bernhard:
"Claudia has been with her sister for three weeks. She couldn't stand my mood anymore. And I must say, the quietness in the house now gives me a lot of time to think.
And I have to say that I really miss you a lot, Manfred."
The tingle of warm blood rushing through the veins.
Pumped through a wise, wildly beating heart.
Manfred feels the signs of happiness ripple through him.
"So the old doneky is alone. That's not your thing at all. Let's have dinner tomorrow. Then you can tell me what's bothering you. What your wife has to gripe about.", Dieckmann tries to lighten the heaviness.
"I'd like it if we went out to dinner. But we don't have to talk about my wife. I've already told you what's crushing my mood," Bernhard replies to his old friend.
At last they will see each other again.