For a year of having Jaeden in my life, I've never experienced anything that made me upset or he did anything that will make me go out on my shell of anger. Inaamin kong hindi kami perpekto. We've done mistakes. Siya lagi ang humihingi ng pasensya kahit hindi naman niya kasalanan.
He's not the typical boyfriend that will make sweeter things for you to lower down the burning anger that's happening between you two. I understood his actions toward our relationship and I can say that I feel lucky for having him.
Biglang nagising ang katawan ko sa halik na kanyang iginagawad. He's pushing me gently while still not breaking the kiss.
Sa gitna niyon ay halos hindi ko na alam kung aling parte ba ng dorm ang kahahantungan namin. Napasinghap lang nang sandaling maramdaman ko ang lamig ng sementong pader.
I am searching for the air when he finally freed my lips. His jaw's clenching as his eyes looked at my face with deep admiration. I am panting so loud because of what he did to me.
Sandali kong binalingan ng tingin iyong mga papel na nagliparan sa sahig nang dahil sa mga naging galaw namin. He's aggressive earlier! Because of his impatient actions, he disturbed those silent papers.
Napagalaw ako sa kinapupwestuhan. I closed my thighs though his look is not there.
"Uh, need to review?" I gulped and pointed at it. Mas kitang-kita ko kung paano tumalim ang kanyang panga.
Binigyan niya ng tingin iyon. Umalis ito sa harapan ko saka tumayo na.
Instead of answering me, he choose to fix those papers one by one and piled it so that I won't be confused later upon finding it all. Ang akala ko ay doon na ito titigil pero nagulat na lang ako sa biglaan niyang pagharap sa akin.
I can feel my face heating because of his aura. Iyong kamay niya ay pinagsalikop sa akin na hindi ko tinanggihan. Iyong ibang hibla ng mga buhok ko ay nilagay niya sa likod. He is now in full view of my face at the nearest distance.
"You can study me for now." His husky voice echoed inside my mind. Mas napahigpit ang pagsalikop ng kamay ko sa kanya, nalulunod sa presensya niyang halos ibaon na ako sa titig.
I bit my lip. Halos dumugo na iyon sa sobrang baon ng ngipin ko. We've been controlling ourselves for this thing because we both know what the consequence will be. It took me a few moments to finally make a decision.
How rare.
"Jaed, we can't do that here," naiiling kong paalala sa kanya. Sandaling bumaba ang tingin ko sa kanya at halos naiwas ko iyon nang madapo sa pagitan niya. He's bulging! I mean, he's really eager to do that now.
Humigpit rin ang kanyang hawak sa akin. He's panting as if he ran miles and miles just to go here. He's controlling himself to not do anything with me here inside my dorm. Ayokong matsismis ng wala sa oras.
Alam niya ang patakaran dito. Isa pa, gabi saka marami akong rooms na katabi.
Groaning like a wild tiger, he gets up and pulled me gently, not usual for the tiger who's willing to eat its prey in an instant. No rush. Just his subtle moves and murmurs of curses that I cannot follow one by one. My feet followed him like I am his child. Natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili sa loob ng kanyang sasakyan pagkatapos ng ilang minuto.
We are both quiet the whole time and I can feel, based on his moves while driving, the willingness to do his agenda for me.
Nate-tense ako. My hands are trembling and I can't do anything to fight it. Halos bumaon na ang mga kuko ko sa balat nang mabilis kaming nakaakyat ng hotel. I closed my eyes harshly and I almost fainted. Papatumba na sana ako kung hindi lang ako sinalo ng mga bisig ni Jaeden.
Bakit? Mamamatay na ba ako mamaya? Does having sex to your boyfriend kills you?
I slowly lifted myself. Sa sobrang nginig ng katawan ay halos nahimatay na ako.
"Sorry. Kinakabahan lang." Like sex is new to me? Ramdam na ramdam nga sa boses ko pati ang panginginig ngunit hindi ko maikakailang nasa mukha rin niya ang pag-aalala.
"Are you sure about this?" he asked, sounding tense but keeping it in a calm way. His blue eyes have these tiny sparkles now. Gusto kong matawa nang mga oras na iyon.
"Pumunta ka sa dorm. Sinalubong mo ako ng halik tapos ikaw magtatanong sa akin niyan?" We both reached the room and before I can hear his reply to me, we both landed on the bed, still feeling both the tense that continues to build.
It's like a wildfire that spreads easily in the middle of nowhere. His usual strawberry scent ruled my senses again. Halos hindi ko na malaman ang gagawin nang sandaling tumigil ito.
I felt the urge inside me to pull him back, to let him continue what he's doing but I suddenly knew that we're both first timers at this.
"Are you really sure about this? I can't hold back anymore. I cannot control myself now, Diana. Please say no if you're not allowing me to do this. I won't force you, okay?" That soft voice. His bedroom voice. How can I say no for that? How can I ignore that kind of voice?
I held his face. Namumungay ang kanyang mga asul na mata. He looks drunk though he didn't drink anything before going here. Grabe. Wala bang anggulo itong hindi gwapong tignan?
"I trust you, Jaed. I trust you so much that I am giving myself to you." I caressed his smooth face and I don't know where it stopped.
His lips started kissing me hungrily after I said that. The way he moves it, the way he slid his tongue inside me felt like all the electricity are now inside my body. We've passed the test before. Halos ikadurog ko ang ilang sandali nang nagsimula itong magtanggal ng pang-itaas. I prayed silently inside my head to finally finish this.
Like a hungry child, he managed to remove everything I am wearing before diving on the spot where he wanted to satisfy himself. I arched my back as his cold and subtle lips licked my breasts in his preferred motion. His other hand is cupping it, massaging as if also making me feel what he's feeling.
Mapupugto na yata ang hininga ko. What my hands did was gripping the comforter where I am lying. Sobrang higpit niyon na halos hindi ko na alam kung saan babaling. I lost my mind on that sinful moves of him.
I called his name but with a soft tone on it. Bumalik sa akin iyong labi niya hanggang sa maramdaman ko sa bandang ibaba ang matigas na bagay. I bit my lip more, having an idea what it is now. He's so hard. It's poking my entrance!
He was busy kissing me while slowly entering. Pinagbagsakan yata ako ng lupa nang maramdamang halos ikapunit ng pagkatao ko iyon. He's distracting me with that kiss and so I muffled a moan in the middle of it. Nakagat ko ang labi niya sa sobrang pagpipigil na huwag sumigaw. He let me bite his lips without thinking anything!
Abot-abot ang hininga ko sa sandaling iyon. I felt all the pain as he is now slowly moving inside. My voice started calling his name again and again in a loud volume, not the usual me when feeling the pain. I wrapped both my legs to his waist to be comfortable and he did kiss me over and over again.
Maski ang mukha niya ay nagsisisi nang mapansin ako. He probably didn't want to see me hurting. I am sweating now because of his aggressiveness! Napahigpit lang ang yakap ko sa kanya nang makailang ulit itong gumalaw.
Good god. Am I a sinner now? Why do I feel I've broken a hundred rules for a while?
Ilang minutong paggalaw ang kanyang ginawa sa akin. The bed sheet's messy now. From my view, Jaeden's closing his eyes as if remembering this moment as a memorable one. With the last thrust, I can feel something inside me, something to burst. Hindi ko na kinaya pa ang pagbilis ng kanyang salubong sa akin.
He gave me a full, long thrust before I felt the contentment. He dropped himself beside me after finishing.
Nananaginip pa yata ako dahil hanggang ngayon, nararamdaman ko ang katawan niyang nasa ibabaw ko. I wish I am still answering his question about doing this thing.
We breathed in hardly. We're almost in sync. Inayos nito ang pagkakahiga ko saka tumabi sa akin. He covered me with the comforter, not being able to feel the awkwardness upon seeing me naked in front of him.
That was so hurtful. That was unimaginable and I can't see anything but his perfect look while moving on top of me. I feel wide awake still. I now can feel his hot breath on my neck, giving me goosebumps all of a sudden. He refused to touch my body. Tanging iyong comforter na nakabalot sa akin ang nagbigay lakas lang sa kanya.
"Anniversary, huh? Both first timers at this." He chuckled and then let his arms rest on my stomach.
Marahan akong gumalaw. I can feel pain below me and I know why.
"Saan ka nanggaling? You're not answering my calls." Namaos iyong boses ko sa kakasabi ng pangalan niya. I played with his fingers instead. Nailayo niya ang mukha sa akin nang mapagtanto kung ano ang itinanong ko.
We're still both trembling. Though we're a bit tired, we both have this energy left. Nagsumiksik ako sa gilid ng kama upang tuluyan siyang makaharap. Our feet touched inside the comforter as I neared it to his.
Clearing his throat, he diverted his eyes anywhere. I know he's not hiding something. More like he's not letting me know about his agenda or whereabouts.
"Ilang beses akong tumawag sa'yo. Nakalimutan ko nga kung anong date, eh. Turns out that it's our anniversary. I feel weird," sabi ko nang pinalikha ng tunog iyong mga daliri niya. Still, he's not facing me directly.
"Jaed. If ever man na ayaw mo na, pwede kang bumitaw. If ever man na tingin mo ay walang magandang naidudulot itong nangyayari—"
He moved, cutting me off and caught off guard by my sentence.
"Shh. I am not in love with someone. Listen. There are some things that needs privacy and I don't blame you for asking me that." He sighed. "I hope you understand me."
"Oo naman. I respect you and your decisions. Sinisigurado ko lang naman kasi alam mong ayoko ng mga pangakong hindi natutupad."
Even if in the future that he'll not consider it, then it's okay. I don't need to force people. Ang sa akin lang, syempre, pinanghawakan ko iyong binitawan niyang mga salita. It's so fool of me if I am still holding on to it without knowing that the person who said those lines vanished and has no plans to fulfill it all.
"Really?" he asked surprisingly. Lumapit ito ulit sa akin, sakto lang upang magdikit ang katawan. I stopped playing at his fingers now.
"Really."
There's a bitter smile on his lips but it faded instantly. Napalitan iyon ng tikom na bibig, walang galit o anumang hindi nagustuhan ang pagkarinig sa ganoon. He refused to say anything in contradiction and kissed my forehead instead.
"I love you. I love you so so much, baby. I want you to know that I'll stay, okay? I will see you succeed so no need to worry about my promises. Kilala ka na ng magulang ko."
That is the problem. His parents know me and they are the ones who lets me study without letting out so much money. His parents are fond of me. They really like me for their eldest son, Jaeden, to be the one he'll end up with in the future.
Sinuklian ko ng malapad na ngisi iyong sinabi niya. Hindi siya ganito minsan. He's being the typical Jaeden without sweetness in him. Naiintindihan ko naman kasi syempre, ang mature niyang mag-isip. Mas pipiliin niyang intindihin ang mga bagay kaysa palakihin pa.
And I love that side of him. We're not fighting as always like what other couples do.
We're back to normal again after what happened. He's still vanishing sometimes. I returned to painting, selling them on the plaza while Ives is still seeing me there. Palagi niya akong tinetyempuhan dooon. Naging busy rin siya lately kaya madalang siyang narito.
"Ang blooming mo naman, ate? Iba nagagawa ng may boyfriend talaga," naiiling niyang sabi habang nakatitig doon sa pinipinta ko. I arranged some strands of my hair.
He knows that I have a boyfriend.
"Tumigil ka nga dyan. This is what will you get if you'll stop noticing other people's lives, Ives," pagdadahilan ko sa kanya. Lagi niyang pinupuna ang pagiging blooming ko raw. If I know, he's only admiring me.
Tipikal na ugali ng mga mas bata para manloko. In my case, I don't believe such things from him. Bata sa akin, eh. Kung mahilig lang sana sa mas bata si Chantal, baka naipakilala ko na sa kanya si Ives.
"Ang corny mo naman, ate. Blooming ka nga! Hindi pa naniniwala sa akin." Siniko niya ako. I counted one to three to stop him from doing that because it's ruining my painting.
Akmang sasabunutan ko siya nang umiwas ito. I glared at him but still got guts to finally give in by laughing.
"Sira ka talaga. Tulungan mo na lang ako mamaya!"
"Sure, sure. Matanong lang kita, ah? Pero huwag kang magagalit?" he asked me as I took my seat again. Napatango ako ng wala sa oras.
Lumikha ng ingay iyong kanyang pag-upo sa tabi ko. He's glancing at me, based on my peripheral vision. Imbes na sa pinipinta ko, sa mukha siya nakatingin na.
"Kita ko ang boyfriend mo, ate. May kausap noong isang araw. Hindi ko alam kung sino pero babae siya. Hindi 'to joke, ah? Seryosong nakita ko sila, eh."
Tumigil ako. I sat straightly before I stared at Ives for a long time.