"I'll wait for you here again later. Message me, all right?" I nodded at his reminder for me.
He stayed late at my dorm last night. Alas dose na ng umaga ito nakauwi. Though my landlady knows him, one of the rules is that we should not let someone inside for a long time, especially guys because for some reason.
"Oo naman. Huwag mong agahan masyado. Nagi-guilty ako kapag matagal kang naghihintay rito," tugon ko nang makababa na sa sasakyan niya. I don't want him to spend his remaining time here doing nothing.
He eyes suspiciously as if I don't want his presence in here. Kahit hindi siya galit, kapag ganoong uri ng titigan ang ginagawad niya sa akin, parang tingin ko ay gusto na niya akong lamunin ng buhay.
Tinapik ko ang kanyang balikat upang kahit papaano ay hindi na mag-alala pa. His lips twitched at what I did.
"Don't look at me like that. Sige ka, baka hindi ako makapasok niyan," biro ko sa kanya pero hindi man lang umubra. My lips pouted, not being able to know why I said that.
Ang corny ko namang girlfriend.
He sighed heavily and then pointed somewhere using his lips. Sinundan ko ang direksyon no'n, nakita sina Chantal pati ang iba niyang kaibigan na nakatingin na rin sa amin.
Iyong kanilang tingin ay mapanuri rin. I don't know why they arrived earlier now, not the typical them. Lagi kasing isang minuto na lang ang agwat bago magsimula ang klase ang kanilang pagdating.
"Sige, mamaya—" I was cut off by his sudden movement. He pulled me for a hug and I cannot resist to not give him the favor. Natutulala akong nakatayo habang pinapakiramdaman ang kanyang sarili, kung kinakabahan ba siya o hindi.
So warm for this cold morning. I can feel the sudden change of his body. Masyadong matigas iyon.
"I'll message you also later," he said softly and applied a quick kiss on my cheek. Napabuntong hininga ako, alam na alam na nakatitig sa akin sina Chantal.
That was his last message for me before I went straight to Chantal, still feeling his invisible warm embrace to me.
Inabutan ko kaagad ang mapanuksong tingin nito sa akin, taliwas sa mga kaibigan niyang natutuwa sa nakikita. I badly want to remove that scene inside their head but sadly, I've got no powers.
"Sweet ng boyfriend, ah? Kaya pala nakakaganang mag-aral. Need ba by pair?" Tumawa ito ng malakas saka nakipag-apir sa kanyang mga kaibigan na nasa kanyang likuran lang, nakasunod sa amin.
Humigpit ang hawak ko sa bag. Umiling ako sa kanyang sinabi. Her tone is a bit bitter, may kaunting panghihinayang pa dahil alam naming pareho na wala siyang boyfriend. Ngayon niya nga lang yata ako nakita sa ganoong sitwasyon, eh.
"You can find your own Jaeden. Maganda ka, Chantal. Marami rin naman sigurong nagkakagusto sa'yo sa ibang eskwelahan," pampalubag loob ko sa kanya. She only gave me a 'tss' with a tone of not being fond of hearing it.
Humalukipkip ito na animo'y hindi natatanggap ang katotohanan. She doubts herself always.
"As if namang makatulong iyon sa akin. I want to fix first my problem. Baka mag-shift ako ng course kapag second year na."
Tumingin ako sa kanya, nagugulat.
"Ha? Sanay ka na rito, ah?"
She's not liking the idea of being a teacher, especially major in arts. I've seen her struggling from everything, lalo na sa mga topics na hindi niya maintindihan dahil alam kong wala lang talaga siyang kagustuhan sa mga iyon.
It's not her passion so it's hard to make yourself learn with it. She hates teaching but that's what her parents want for her.
Pumasok kaming lahat sa room na. She's a bit grumpy, lalo na dahil napag-usapan na naman namin ang tungkol dito.
"Basta. Lilipat ako. Wala na akong pakialam kung magalit magulang ko. I want to pursue what is right for me. And that's not education."
"Kasama ba mga kaibigan mo?" I asked, concerned with her decision.
Napatingin siya sa mga kaibigan. "It's up to them. Hindi ko naman sila pinipilit at mas lalong hindi hinahatak sa kung saan ako. It's their choice if they want to follow me."
Knowing that there is a possibility that they will leave me, I felt the sudden sadness inside me. I won't force her to stay here just because that's what I want. Ang sa akin lang, syempre, sila ang malapit sa akin dito. I can't imagine myself waving at them from afar knowing that we're not on the same field anymore.
It's like losing your loved ones after all those things you did. I've been close to them from the start.
Nagsimula ang klase namin. Kinakabahan pa rin ako dahil sa magiging resulta ng naging defense namin. I am silently praying that we should at least get the passing score. O kung hindi kaya ay kahit iyong pasang-awa lang. I want to proceed at second year next year.
Abot-abot ang kaba ko nang sandaling naghihintay na kami sa loob ng office ng guro namin. My groupmates sat, still waiting for our results.
Alam naming lahat na naitawid namin iyon kahapon. Our hearts are full of assurance that we will finally have the rest after all that we've been through. Kaya nang sandaling banggitin na ng guro namin na pasado kami, nagtatalon kaming lahat sa tuwa sa loob ng office.
"Grabe, congrats! We did it guys! Sulit lahat ng puyat natin!" Chantal pulled me for the hug. Hindi rin ako makapaniwala dahil sa mga agam-agam na laging nasa isipan.
"Salamat po, ma'am." I am in wide smile when I finally said that. Gumaan ang lahat sa akin pagkatapos no'n. I didn't think of anything aside from those negativities before I came in here.
Puyat, pagod saka halos magmakaawa na sa sarili naming huwag sumuko dahil pare-pareho naman naming alam na masyadong mahirap ang lahat, masyadong nakakabawas sa lahat ng enerhiya. It paid off knowing that we've passed now.
Nag-aya sila ng inuman doon na naman sa beerhouse. Pumayag ako saka maagang nag-text kay Jaeden na huwag na lang akong sunduin dahil malapit naman ang dorm. Isa pa, katulad ng dati ay hindi naman ako iinom ng kung ano.
I'll buy my own drink just so I can celebrate with them. Ayoko namang balewalain dahil lahat naman kami ay naghirap dito. I like to celebrate the moment with them so it won't be a big problem for me.
Naroon kami lagi sa pinagpupwestuhan kung kaya't agaran silang kumuha ng kanilang inumin. Sabay kaming kumampay at katulad noon, ako lang ang naiiba sa kanila. They are always in favor of me of bringing any drinks.
Hindi naman ako umiinom ng katulad ng sa kanila. Even if I will grow old without experiencing to drink that, I won't regret anything. Wala sa kagustuhan kong sumubok no'n.
Sa ilang sandaling naroon sa loob ng beerhouse, hindi na sila nagpapigil pa. They ordered a bucket of those alcoholic drinks and I still sat straightly on my seat. Nag-vibrate iyong phone ko, nabasa ang mensahe ni Jaeden.
Still there? Are you home already?
Tumipa ako ng mensahe. I replied that he should not be worried at me. Kakasend ko pa lang iyon nang nag-vibrate na naman ang phone.
He's not busy, I guess.
I'll be out for a while. I don't know what time I'll go home later. Take care of yourself.
Napangiti ako ng malapad nang nabasa iyon. For a sudden moment, everything went invisible for me. My heart's hammering so loud, being content with reading his full english text.
To: Jaeden
Ayos lang. Ingat din. Uuwi din naman ako pagtapos.
I was eager to talk to him through this. Mabibilis ang naging tipa ko kaagad. Sa panibagong beses, nag-vibrate iyong phone ko. Napaigtad ako ng kaunti roon.
Be safe when you'll go home. Text me. I know you're enjoying there so I apologize for texting you at this time. I'll see you tomorrow.
Ily.
"Grabe, iba talaga kapag may boyfriend!" Umangat ang tingin ko sa pagkakayuko. Naitago ko ang hawak na phone nang sandaling bigyan ako ng atensyon n ani Chantal.
She still looks beautiful though she sounds drunk now. Nagtatawanan ang mga kaibigan niya habang ako naman ang kanyang nakita ngayon. I looked at her with smiling face, admiring her beauty in middle of the dark.
Hindi pa man ako nakakapagsalita nang humikbi ito ng tuluyan. Her face went from calm one into crying like a baby.
I suddenly felt the panic in me. Napahawak ako sa kanya ng mahigpit nang sandaling lumakas ang kanyang iyak. Hindi naman siya ganito noon, ah?
Marahas niyang pinunasan ang mukha. She looks like the beautiful princess weeping for a reason. Nakatitig lang ako sa kanya.
"I badly want to give anything to my parents pero bakit kulang pa rin? Wala akong karapatang pumili ng gusto ko? Hindi ko ba deserve? Huh?" she asks me while tears pooled her eyes. Hinayaan lang siya ng kanyang mga kaibigan. Maybe they're too used about seeing this already?
Pinahiran niya ang mukha saka uminom pa. Sinubukan kong ilayo iyon sa kanya pero kinukuha niya pa rin. Her friends are not doing anything! Mali bang pigilan ko siya?
She harshly drank her drinks. Aawatin mo na sana kaso inilayo niya iyon sa akin.
"Education sucks! Sorry, Diana. Hindi ko lang talaga trip magturo. I want to be an engineer! I want to fulfill my goals pero bakit ayaw nila? Wala ba silang tiwala sa akin? Am I too weak for them? Mahina ba ako, Diana?" Niyugyog niya ako, dahilan kung bakit bumalik sa katinuan ang isip. Ramdam ko kaagad ang lakas niyon kung kaya't wala sa oras din akong umiling.
Akala ko ba ay ayos na ang lahat sa kanya? I thought everything is okay now that she decided to shift the course?
"Uh, ano, siguro, pwedeng ikaw naman ang magdesisyon. If it is the right thing, then better pursue it. Susuportahan kita, naming apat." Binigyan ko ng tingin iyong tatlo. I elbowed them to at least agree with me.
Kanina pa nga sila hindi kumikibo. Hinahayaan lang ba nilang magsalita mag-isa si Chantal sa tuwing ganito ang nangyayari?
"Sana pala ikaw na lang ang kapatid ko. Demonyita talaga 'yong kapatid ko, eh! Sarap sabunutan, may gana pang hindi ako suportahan sa pangarap ko? Ang yabang lang porque't nagkaroon na ng sariling pera! I am not asking any money from her! Moral support will do but I didn't receive anything!" I tapped her back, to let her feel that we are here.
Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga, hindi kinakaya ang naririnig sa kanya.
She has a family problem and being close with her, she didn't tell me about this, didn't say anything so that I can at least assure her that if ever the people she wanted to trust her will turn their back away, if they won't support her at any ways, I can be the person for that. I can feel her sadness and longing for the support. Handa naman akong tulungan siya if it means reaching her dreams.
Buong oras siyang naging gano'n. Hinayaan kong ilabas niya lahat ng hinanakit hanggang sa hindi na kinaya. Pasalamat na lang ako dahil hindi lasing ang kanyang mga kaibigan. They dropped her off to their house after.
A year came. I saw myself improving at everything. Like what I expected, Chantal took the risks. She pursued the engineering.
Masaya ako sa tuwing nakikita siyang may totoong ngiti sa labi. Her friends stayed with me, with my department because they are also looking forward of becoming a teacher.
That is totally fine with me because everything I am seeing from her now is totally different from before. I can feel the realness inside her. So far, everything is good.
Katatapos lang ng lahat-lahat kanina. Kanina pa rin ako tumatawag kay Jaeden ngunit hindi niya sinasagot. I guess he's busy. Makailang beses na iyon. All of the students are now going home while I am still waiting for him here.
Nagpasya lang akong dumiretso ng dorm nang nainip na roon. Nothing's wrong with us. We're both in good terms but lately, he's becoming busy and I don't need to ask him about it. Importante naman lahat ng ginagawa niya. Isa pa, ayoko namang pangunahan siya sa lahat. It's both our decisions.
I chose to study in my dorm. Halos puno ng papel ang mesa ngayon sa harap ko. My phone's beside me in case he'll call immediately. Napatingin ako sa orasan. I think I should at least study for a while.
Naging busy din naman ako lately. Sometimes, I'll go home late without texting him that I arrived safely. Pero dahil sa nababalot ng antok, nakakalimutan ko lagi. Hindi naman mandatory iyon sa kanya. He just wants to know that I am safe. Makakalimutin lang talaga minsan.
Inubos ko na lang ang oras sa pag-aaral. I scanned all the notes, keep everything in mind because I want to survive. Lalo pa't inaasahan nila Mama ang magandang kahinatnan ko rito. Still, I am thankful that they understand me.
Napahikab ako nang makaramdam na ng kaunting antok. I immediately felt something strange. Napaupo ako ng maayos, hindi alam kung may dapat ba akong gawin. I let everything sink in my mind, knowing what's the date today.
Wala sa oras kong hinablot iyong phone. As I saw the date, I jumped, screamed not so loud and gasped. Dahil sa sobrang gulat ay hindi ko namalayang natulala na lang ako. I was busy earlier! Bakit ko naman nakalimutan agad?
It's October four! It's our first year today and we didn't greet each other. Alam ba ni Jaeden? Does he know that we should be celebrating as of now?
Nanlumo rin ako kaagad nang makita ang mga papel na nakahilera sa mesa. Kailangang tapusin pa. I sighed heavily and texted him for greetings. Bumalik ako sa kinauupuan, kinalimutan kung ano ba dapat ngayon.
I studied the whole night to forget the date. This is more important than that. Pwede namang sa ibang araw na lang iyon. We can still celebrate it though. Hindi naman ako nagagalit sa ganoong dahilan unless it needs much attention.
Celebrating is not a thing for me. It's just a reminder that we've reached another milestone for our relationship.
Sa gitna ng pag-aaral ay mayroong kumatok sa pintuan. I am at the brink of sleeping already, disturbed only by that knock. Sa isip kong baka landlady ko iyon, halos pilitin ko ang sariling ngumiti ng malapad. I opened the door while closing my eyes half, seeing the unexpected.
Shock ran through me as my eyes landed on Jaeden who's having this messy look in front of me. He gulped upon seeing my presence. Mas lumaki lang ang pagmulat ng mata ko nang sandaling pumasok na ito saka ako dinaluhan sa loob.
Niyakap niya ako gamit ang mainit na katawan, hindi man lang ako pinaunang magsalita bago siya makapasok.
Tila nagising lahat ng katinuan ko nang sandaling iyon lalo na nang naramdaman ko ang kanyang labi sa aking noo. He whispered the greetings for me and I almost shed a tear upon hearing his voice. His soft voice.
Iyong marahan niyang kamay ay nasa pisngi ko na. He's gently caressing it like making me feel that he's here.
He's really here.
"I am sorry. I was busy earlier but I have plans to see you. You're not mad, right?" His warm breath gave me comfort. Napahawak ako ng mahigpit sa suot niyang shirt.
Hindi ako sumagot at parang bata lang na umiling sa kanya. I smelled his hot breath, giving me goosebumps and I can't deny that I am actually expecting him here.
Yumuko ako upang hindi niya makita ang pagkaantok ko pero kaagad niyang itinaas iyong mukha ko, pinaharap sa kanya saka siniil na ng halik.