Songs: I Found - Amber Run and The End of All Things - Panic! At the Disco
Iwaizumi slowly opened his eyes. His body shook and sweat soaked through his t-shirt. He should have been used to the nightmares by now, but no matter how many times he lived through them, they didn't seem any less real.
It was dark outside his bedroom window, the moon being the only source of light coming through the curtains. The apartment was quiet with sleep, the past week's events exhausting all of them. He must have passed out as soon as they had gotten back from the hospital.
The doctors made him stay for two nights. They had hooked him up to an IV and bandaged his wounds. Kuroo must have some pull there because the police never showed up and no one asked questions.
His body was frail from both the physical trauma and the memories that followed him even in sleep. He turned over, expecting to see Tooru drooling on his pillow, but he was awake, his eyes staring up at the ceiling. Tears were running down his face, staining the sheets.
"Tooru? Why are you still awake?"
"I could ask you the same question," he responded, his sobs stuck in his throat.
"Nightmares," Hajime said, running his hands through his sweat-soaked hair.
Oikawa nodded. "No matter what I do, I can't escape it. The thoughts follow me everywhere."
"At least we're alive. There's something," Iwaizumi said, grasping Oikawa's hand under the sheets. Almost all of Tooru's fingers were bandaged. Where Hajime's nails were cut out, Oikawa's were ripped out.
Tooru sighed, his tears falling harder now. "That's the thing. I wish we weren't. Maybe in death, we could find peace."
"Aren't you scared of death?" Iwaizumi asked, pulling Oikawa's body close.
"Not of death. I think there's a beauty in that, but I am scared of dying. I think there must be a difference between the two," he said, wrapping his arms around Hajime.
"I feel the same way, Tooru," Iwaizumi said, breathing in Oikawa. He smelled like green apple shampoo and sweat.
"Do you remember what I said at the art show last spring? About the apocalyptic exhibit?"
Of course he remembered. Iwaizumi clung on to every word Tooru said. "Do you still believe that? That there is nothing after this life?" Hajime asked.
"I don't know anymore. Being so close to death this many times has made me hope that that isn't true. When I die, I either hope to see you on the other side or know that one day you'll be there with me. If there were nothing after death, then we would never see each other again," Oikawa said, squeezing Hajime tightly around the waist.
Iwaizumi started to cry then, his tears falling silently. "You should sleep, Tooru. You'll feel better in the morning," he said quietly, trying to keep his voice from shaking.
"Goodnight, Iwa. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for us," he said before slowly falling into a fitful sleep, squirming in Hajime's arms throughout the night.
. . .
Morning came soon enough, and Kuroo called them all into the living room just like old times.
No one sat in Bokuto's place, the gap was like a wound between them. Bokuto's absence was felt amongst the group, but Akaashi had taken it the hardest. He had this look of despair on his face, and he seemed lost. Iwaizumi ran his hand over the empty cushion, knowing that he was the one to blame and hating himself for it.
"So, uhm, I know we've been through a lot these past few days. After everything with Bokuto and Iwa being in the hospital, you'd think we'd catch a break, but Nakashi has requested to meet with us at the warehouse. I'm not sure why, but apparently it's pretty important," Kuroo explained.
Iwaizumi stared at his hand, the bones still aching from last time he'd met with Nakashi. The fear gnawed at him from the pit of his stomach. Anything could happen. He looked at Tooru, dread written all over his face.
Akaashi was the first to speak. "He got his drug. What more could he want from us?" he asked, his eyes downcast.
"I guess we'll see when we get there," Tetsuro answered.
Kenma stared off into space, seemingly lost in thought. "I'm sorry to ask this, but what happened to you back at the cabin? It had been two days since we left you there. What did they do to you guys?" he asked, directing his attention to Tooru and Hajime.
Iwaizumi remembered the pain, and that was about it. "They ripped my nails off, then they threw me in a dark room. Like I said before, that's all that happened."
"They tortured you. Why?" Kenma asked.
With Kenma's question, Iwaizumi realized what he'd done. He had told them about Nakashi's location to save Tooru that day. He had given them up. His heart rate skyrocketed, and he felt like he could be sick. Nakashi must have found out. There was no other explanation as to why he had requested a meeting. There was no way he would live through tonight. No way at all.
Hajime opened his mouth to say something, his hands shaking with fear. His breaths were stuck in his throat, his chest beginning to heave.
"I don't know why. Everything from those two days seems like a painful blur to me," Tooru answered instead, looking over at Iwaizumi with a concerned look on his face.
Hajime shut his mouth, his confession left unsaid.
Kenma shrugged. "I thought that might give us a clue as to why he's asking for us so soon. He seemed urgent on the phone with Tetsuro, and I'm starting to get a little worried."
Kuroo sighed. "Either way, we'll find out tonight. I have to go to work now, so prepare yourselves mentally. This could go very wrong, and I'm going to need you guys to keep it together. Our lives are riding on it," he said before walking to the door.
Kenma got up from his place on the couch and followed him out, shutting the other three out of whatever conversation they would be having.
Iwaizumi watched as Akaashi walked back to his bedroom without another word, his eyes sunken and his shoulders slumped. The two of them hadn't spoken to each other since the night of the raid, and Hajime figured they never truly would. He didn't know what to say to Akaashi besides apologize, and he knew that wouldn't be enough. He had a hatred for Hajime that would never go away, and the hole Bokuto's death left in him would forever remain unhealed.
"Iwa, are you alright? You seem terrified," Oikawa asked as the two of them walked back to their room.
Hajime nodded. "I'm fine. I'm just on edge," he lied, debating whether to tell Tooru the truth. He remembered it with clarity now. How he had told the man where Nakashi was, and how they had locked him alone in that dark room afterwards. What if Kenma was right? What if Nakashi had found out?
"Are you sure? You're shaking," Tooru said once they got back to the room, pulling him into an embrace.
Hajime felt like crying, but he kept his tears at bay. "I'm fine. Really," he lied again, giving Tooru a deep kiss. He wondered if this was in fact the last day he'd spend with Oikawa until he died, or if he was dreading it all for nothing.
. . .
The drive to Nakashi's warehouse was always quiet and dreadful, and Hajime could barely keep it together. His legs shook no matter how hard he concentrated on them, and he was dizzy with fear.
He had decided to keep his mouth shut. Unless Nakashi used his drug on him, the secret would die with Iwaizumi. There was no way Nakashi could trace it back to Kuroo's group right? There were dozens of small groups like theirs in the city. There would be no proof. Unless Nakashi captured one of the men who had questioned them. Would a captive be able to recognize Hajime by his face? If that happened, then it would be over. He would die and Tooru would too. Maybe even the others. If Nakashi decided to kill him, would he die a painful death or would it be swift? No. It would be as agonizing as possible. Nakashi would make sure of that.
"Iwa, we're here," Tooru said, motioning for him to get out of the van.
Hajime's gaze snapped up from the floor, his heart racing now. "Tooru, I don't want to go," he whispered as everyone else got out.
Oikawa placed a hand on Iwaizumi's shoulder. "I know, but no matter what happens in there, just know I'm right beside you. Kuroo and the others are too. Alright?"
Hajime nodded, tears forming at the edge of his eyes. "I think I've done something terrible, and they're going to find out soon," he said, meeting Oikawa's worried gaze.
"What have you done, Iwa?" he asked, the panic showing all over his face.
Before Iwaizumi could answer, Kuroo called out to them. "We're gonna be late. Let's go," he shouted.
They followed the others, unspoken words settling between them. Tooru grabbed Hajime's hand and intertwined their fingers.
"Calm down. You have to keep it together, okay?" Oikawa said under his breath, giving Iwaizumi's hand a tight squeeze.
Before Hajime could respond, the doors were opening and Nakashi's cold smile was waiting for them on the other side.
Iwaizumi knew fear well, the feeling branded within him, but this time it was different. This time, there was no way out. If Nakashi knew, then no one would save him. He was ready to die back at the cabin, but no matter how ready he was, dying seemed absolutely terrifying.
Hajime stood beside Tooru and behind Tetsuro, trying his best to keep from shaking.
Nakashi's voice sounded colder than he remembered. "I thought you'd never show up," he said sarcastically. He lifted his hand, ten hooded figures appeared from the shadow behind him.
Iwaizumi felt as though the world was closing in, the crushing weight of it almost killing him.
Kuroo cleared his throat. "Let's get to the point already. We got you your drug back, so what's the deal?" he said, his tone clear and demanding.
Nakashi only laughed, the sound demonic and blood-chilling. "The drug wasn't the only thing you brought back to my doorstep was it?"
That was when Hajime knew it was over. He was going to die. Nakashi knew. He must know. Iwaizumi's knees gave out, and he fell into Tooru, resting against his shoulder.
Oikawa looked over at him in realization. He forced Iwaizumi to stand straight, stabilizing him with an arm around his waist. "Iwa, you can't break on us. There's no way he can prove it, so just stay quiet," he whispered.
Kuroo raised an eyebrow in confusion. "How do you mean?"
Nakashi rolled his eyes, annoyed with having to explain. "Kuroo, for someone as young as you, you're incredibly slow in the head. I have many groups just like yours hiding out in the city for whenever I need them, but I can't have all of them in know on where I am. It would make sense for me to give out some false information to a few of these groups. Correct?"
"Yes. Yes it would," Kuroo said, obviously irritated.
"So, can you explain to me why a hoard of thugs from the northside invaded the false location I only gave to you" Nakashi shouted, his voice almost becoming a screech.
Kuroo looked back at them, his eyes wide with concern. "Nakashi, I don't know-"
"Like hell you don't! Which one of you is the traitor? Show yourself!" Nakashi screamed, his face boiling red.
Iwaizumi balled his hands into fists, his remaining nails digging into his palms. He couldn't think straight, thoughts running rapidly through his mind. He should say something. Anything. Maybe if he came out with it now, Nakashi would spare the others. He needed to do it now. He tried to move, to speak, but his jaw was locked shut with terror, and before he could think any further, Kuroo was already talking.
"You've got it all wrong. There's no way it was anyone in this group. I promise you-"
Nakashi laughed that manic laugh of his. "Your promises mean shit to me. If the traitor won't show himself, then I'll just have to cut the poison off at the source," he said.
Kuroo walked toward Nakashi. "Wait! You can't-" he pleaded.
"Like hell I can't! I'll kill you all right now!" he yelled, motioning for the hooded men to seize them.
"It was me. I told them," Kenma admitted abruptly, pushing past Kuroo to face Nakashi.
Hajime felt like he could be sick. The world was spinning around and around, making him dizzy. Kenma must have realized the truth back at the apartment, and he was willing to give his life for the rest of them.
Nakashi smiled. "That's the spirit. Now, do you want me to shoot you or would you prefer to do it yourself?"
Hajime wasn't going to let Kenma take the blame. No one else was going to die for him. He opened his mouth to speak, pushing against Tooru's hold on him.
"Iwa, no," Oikawa whispered desperately, holding tight to his wrist.
Before Iwaizumi could shake free of Tooru's grip, Kuroo spoke for him. "Kenma, if you thought I was going to let you take the fall for me, then you'd be wrong," Tetsuro said, a slight laugh in his voice. He was acting, but Hajime could still sense the fear in his voice.
Nakashi frowned. "Well, who is it?" he asked, impatience in his voice. He held out a gun, weighing it back and forth in his hands.
Kenma looked at Tetsuro, his eyes brimming with tears. "Kuroo-"
"It was me. Are you surprised Nakashi?" Tetsuro said, interrupting Kenma's protest.
Nakashi's face was construed with something beyond rage. Something Hajime couldn't even recognize. "In that case, I'll gladly kill you. It'd give me pleasure to see your brains blown to bits."
Kuroo only smiled. "I appreciate you trying to save me, Kenma, but I should face the consequences of my own mistakes," he said, looking at Kenma.
Kenma started to cry then, his whole body shaking. "Tetsuro, you can't. They need you more than they need me."
Nakashi cocked the gun and shot at the ground, the bang making everyone jump. "Enough!" he screamed. "Hold them all down!"
The hooded men obeyed, grabbing Hajime by the arm and holding a loaded gun to his head. They did the same to the others, leaving only Kuroo free.
Even if Iwaizumi told the truth now, would Nakashi even believe him? He'd kill all of them just to be sure, leaving Hajime only one option left. He could only watch what happened. There was nothing else.
"Why'd you do it, Kuroo? Haven't I done enough for you? I pulled you away from that abusive father of yours, didn't I? I should have known you were up to something when you asked me to indoctrinate these two," Nakashi said, gesturing to Oikawa and Hajime.
Kuroo looked back at them, his eyes wide with panic. "I had more to gain personally from going against you. That's it. It had nothing to do with them," he assured.
Nakashi must have noticed the fear in Tetsuro's voice then, because he started to laugh, the sound echoing through the empty warehouse. "I see. So you never told them?"
Tetsuro sighed, his breaths becoming rapid. "Please. If you're going to kill me, just do it. There's no need for this," he begged.
Nakashi smiled, his eyes dark with pleasure. "Shall I fill them in?"
"No. Let me die without them hating me. Please," Kuroo begged as he began to cry.
Hajime realized then that he had never seen Tetsuro cry, and the sight of it felt painful. Kuroo's death will be on his hands, and he was going to have to watch as it happened. It was so easy to imagine it. The bullet going through Kuroo's skull, shattering the bone. His body collapsed on the ground, blood pouring out.
"Tetsuro, what is he talking about?" Tooru asked desperately.
Nakashi grinned. "Did you know that your father worked for me once?" he asked Oikawa.
Tooru nodded, his gaze fixed on Tetsuro. "Kuroo told me that he did."
"He was actually one of my most loyal followers. He knew pretty much everything about my operation here. Even about the drug, which I had just developed a short time before his death. Soon enough though, I found out he was working with the police, you see? I had no other choice but to cut him down," Nakashi explained, his smile growing as Tooru began to realize the truth of it all.
Hajime could only watch as Tooru's knees gave out, the hooded man barely able to hold his limp body up. He cried out in agony, the sound making Iwaizumi's heart seize. "So it was you all along, huh? It wasn't those innocents I blew to bits in that building or the people I massacred back at the cabin. You killed my family," he said, his body shaking with both rage and despair.
"Oh no, Oikawa. It wasn't me. Who else but my most ruthless killer to do the deed for me?" Nakashi said laughing, nodding towards Kuroo.
Tetsuro's face paled, his tearful eyes bearing into Oikawa. "Tooru, please. I never meant-"
"Never meant what? Never meant to execute my family and then burn my house to the ground?" Oikawa screamed at him, desperate tears falling down his face.
Kuroo looked at Tooru, then at Iwaizumi. "I was supposed to kill you too, Tooru, but I couldn't, so I convinced Nakashi to let me watch over you. I missed shooting you on purpose the night of the art exhibit, so that you could live with me. Better that than die with the rest of your family. At least that's what I told myself. You were never supposed to find out," he explained, his eyes searching for some forgiveness before death took him away.
Hajime couldn't believe what he was hearing, the words like knives. So it was Tetsuro who wielded the gun that night. The truth of it crushed down on him suddenly. The Kuroo that made them coffee every morning before school. The Kuroo that comforted him after so many nightmares. The Kuroo that carried him, half-dead, out of that cabin. Had it all been a lie?
Oikawa screamed, the agony of betrayal in his voice. "How could you, Tetsuro? I thought you were my friend," he said through sobs.
"I was trying to save you? Please tell me you understand that?" Kuroo pleaded, his voice breaking.
"How could I understand?" Tooru asked, hanging his head with grief. "I can't even look at you."
Kuroo looked at Hajime. "Iwa, I'm sorry. You were never supposed to be here. I hate myself everyday for what I've done to you. For what I forced you to become. We joked about your art being in its own exhibit back then, but you could have done it if it weren't for me," he said through shaky breaths, his tears still flowing.
Hajime didn't know what to say. He looked at Tooru, his body limp with utter helplessness. Iwaizumi remembered the way the gun looked as it pointed at him out of the van. The sound it made as the bullets zipped by him in a malicious downpour. He tried to picture Tetsuro's face on the other side, his finger pulling the trigger so easily, but he simply could not. This had to be a lie. A sick joke.
"Kuroo, you don't know what you're saying. That's not you. I've known you forever, and you'd never-" Iwaizumi started, but he knew better. Kuroo had killed plenty of people. Countless. Denying it would only make it hurt worse. Hajime trailed off, his eyes welling with tears as he looked at Tetsuro.
"Iwa, I love you and Tooru. That's why I'm doing this," he said.
Nakashi sighed. "Now that your little secret's out, there's one last thing I want to do here," he said as he walked closer, his footsteps echoing through the abandoned warehouse. He tossed the loaded gun between his hands, twirling it on his fingers. He paused in front of Kenma, holding out the hilt. "Why don't you take care of this one for me, Kenma. I should punish liars just the same as traitors, don't you think?"
Kenma's eyes widened in realization, the hilt of the gun gleaming in front of him. "Please. I can't-"
"I'm ordering you. It's loaded and the safety is off. All you have to do is pull the trigger," Nakashi whispered, his voice mad with hysteria.
The hooded man let go of Kenma's hands, allowing him to take the gun. "Not me. I'm begging you," he said, a hint of desperation in his voice.
Nakashi only smiled. "Take the gun, Kenma. Or I'll have no choice but to end it all for everyone here tonight, and trust me, I have no qualms about that."
Kenma took the gun then. It shook in his weakening grip. He walked over to Tetsuro and looked him in the eye.
Kuroo was on his knees in front of Kenma, a small smile on his face despite his tears. "It's okay, Kenma. Do what you need to do."
"Tetsuro, I can't," Kenma said, his voice quivering.
Kuroo only smiled. "You're the only person I'd want it to be. Please don't let them die because of me. I've never been worthy of you or them. I'm just a killer, and to die by your hands would bring me peace," he said, holding back sobs.
"I can't say goodbye to you yet. I never got to tell you..."
At that, Tetsuro nodded. "I've known. I promise," he said, looking longing into Kenma's eyes.
Kenma held the gun in his trembling hands, pointing it straight at Kuroo's head. "Forgive me, Tetsuro."
"I already have," he whispered, closing his eyes.
Kenma screamed in anguish, his finger hovering over the trigger. Hajime squeezed his eyes shut, knowing that if he watched, the image would never be able to fade.
In a moment of pure hopelessness, the sound of the gunshot filled the room, followed by Kuroo's body collapsing in a heap of blood on the ground.
The air was quiet for a second as Kuroo died, as if the world were holding its breath.
Kenma dropped the gun, falling on his knees beside Tetsuro's body. He threw himself over his chest, sobbing as his heart stopped beating. The scene was something Hajime would never forget. He had never seen such sadness. It was as if Kenma's entire world had fallen apart, dying alongside Tetsuro.
Nakashi smiled at Kenma's agony, stepping over Tetsuro's bloody corpse. "I'm sorry it had to be that way, but rats must be dealt with," he explained. He approached Akaashi, whose face was blank, his eyes fixated on Kuroo. "It seems a leadership spot has suddenly opened up. How about you take charge of these three for me," he said, motioning for the guards to let them go.
Hajime went to Tooru. He was still crying, his face wet with tears. Iwaizumi held him in his arms, wondering if this was a nightmare.
Akaashi nodded. "Does it have to be me?"
"You're the only one I trust to keep your emotions in check after today. I expect Kenma won't last much longer, and those two just don't have the experience yet. So yes, it must be you," Nakashi explained.
Akaashi sighed. "I accept then," he said plainly, looking at Iwaizumi and Oikawa.
"You can go," Nakashi said. "And before you get any thoughts about it, nothing thrills me more than the chase. If you run, I'll find you, and in my eyes, deserters are worse than traitors," he warned before giving them a dismissive wave.
Akaashi went to Kenma, pulling him away. "Tetsuro," Kenma called out, his shirt soaked with blood. He tried to fight Akaashi, desperate to return to Kuroo's side, but he was too weak. He seemingly collapsed into Akaashi's arms, the relentless weight of grief destroying him.
"He's dead. There's no use in staying around," Akaashi said, giving Iwaizumi a look.
Iwaizumi tried to hold back his tears as he stared at Tetsuro's body, the blood painting the ground in an unmistakable red. There was a small bullet hole in his forehead, a single droplet of blood making a trail through his pale skin. He remembered Kuroo's smile. The calmness about him. The way he was before. He fought to hang on to those memories in that moment, not wanting to remember Tetsuro as a lifeless corpse sprawled on the concrete floor but as a friend. A friend who traded his own life for Hajime's that night.
Yet another thing for Iwaizumi to dwell on until he couldn't take it anymore. He remembered something Tetsuro had said once, "Sometimes I wonder if death would be better than living with all of this guilt." Those words would haunt Hajime for the rest of his life, the truth in them slowly killing him from the inside out.
Hajime lifted Tooru, wrapping an arm around his waist. Oikawa shifted all of his weight to Iwaizumi, unable to walk on his own.
As they staggered out, Hajime turned back. Tetsuro's body lay sprawled on the ground. His eyes were closed. If it weren't for the blood, he could have been sleeping.