"Wake up girls! The bus is leaving in an hour and a half!" Ms. Ashley shouts and I shoot up.
It's just the hotel room. I see Hannah and Sarah waking up too. I'm also like, ten feet off the ground. I climb the ladder down and Gia's already on her phone. I don't want to hurt my heart with the social media comments right before a competition. People aren't mean to you, Lilliana. You just can't handle the truth because you are a little crybaby.
An hour before I can take my medicine. I also have 300 calories that will most likely go to waste since it's competition day.
"Who's ready for the competition?" Ms. Michelle asks, and we all make the weakest woops because we've just been woken up.
I'm the last one to use the bathroom, slipping on the same pink ALDC hoodie and black leggings, along with black sneakers. Mom ties up my hair in a high ponytail and gives me my meds. I swallow the two bitter pills quickly, and then make sure I have all my competition stuff in the black suitcase. My duet costume, my group costume, my makeup, and my hair things are all there.
There's a lot on the line here. We've lost twice. Plus, people haven't been getting along lately. Pressley and Gia keep scowling at each other. It also seems like there has been a real fight between Mom and Ms. Yolanda because they keep glaring at each other.
I get on the bus next to Hannah, and I bounce my leg in half-anxiety, half-excitement. We need to win the group dance. I need to win against Elliana and Gia too. The bus, despite being six in the morning, is surprisingly chatty. As we arrive at the high school, I don't see any crowd. Nobody cares about you, Lilliana. So, they don't care about the rest of the team. You're the reason there isn't a crowd and the reason last week and the week before didn't have one.
We retrieve our materials from the luggage and I skip ahead, trying to make myself seem chipper and happy and upbeat. I wish I was in the back, though. Because when we walk in, I'm right in the splash zone for a bunch of screaming fans in the hallway. I guess there is a crowd. Ms. Abby isn't with us when we get through the people.
"Abby said to go in and start getting ready," Mom instructs all of us and we head into the dressing room.
Mom starts putting that messy bun in my hair, teasing it to make it look crazy. I put on the fake jewel silver headband and begin doing my makeup. It looks natural bar the maroon lip and a very extravagant white eyeliner. You look so ugly without makeup, Lilliana. Your skin looks awful unless it's covered up. I check my arms one last time. When nobody is looking, I fix up the two barely visible scars and powder the hell out of them with setting powder.
"So, are you guys excited for today?" Elliana asks us.
"Yeah," we all reply, and I can already sense an argument forming.
"I'm really excited for the duo and the group dance," Ellie comments, trying to start a conversation.
"Well, I think we haven't been a team anymore, and I feel like, there's been, like, a separation between the team," Pressley adds.
"Um, I think there was an incident that happened, that everyone was saying that Gia was trying to take me away from the team. She's not purposely trying to exclude me from the team and have me all for herself. She's just been really nice to me 'cause I've been the newcomer. Like, all of you guys have been nice to me, but she's been, like, especially nice," Elliana explains.
I don't believe Gia was isolating Ellie from the team, but she was definitely not letting us hang out with her as much as we would have liked.
"We just have to act more as a team from now on, and," Pressley starts before she can't think of the right words.
"Instead of there being cliques," Sarah says, and Pressley agrees.
Honestly, today is not the day to talk about this. It's competition day. We just need to focus on our dances. Especially because we really have to win this week. I cross my fingers as Ms. Abby and Ms. Gianna roll in.
"Girls, finish getting ready. Is everyone ready?" Ms. Abby asks as rushing ensues.
Wigs are quickly being put on, stretches are quickly being done. Mom quickly gives me my costume, along with the Venlafaxine. It's a white bra top with straps, and sheer until you hit the armpits and white briefs. You look so fat wearing this, Lilliana. Your stomach is showing and your thighs are showing. It's frankly disgusting on you. Anybody else would look better wearing this. Anybody but you.
"There's a lot at stake here. Kammy's here. Kam, this is your chance. Show me why you belong here on the ALDC team. We also have Judge Gia. You two, rehearse. Now," Ms. Abby orders Gia and Ellie.
Elliana is making some simple mistakes, but to be fair, she's only had a day to learn this and the group routine. It doesn't seem stage-ready, however.
"Is Elliana ready to go onstage?" Ms. Michelle asks the moms, obviously vying to get Sarah the spot in the duet.
"Well, her costume is on, her makeup is done," Ms. Abby points out.
"I know, but it seems like you're still going over a lot of stuff," Ms. Michelle also points out.
"She's not on trial," Ms. Yolanda comments, obviously annoyed at Ms. Michelle.
"No, she is on trial. It's supposed to be the judge and the- the accused. Oh, I know something we can judge! Stacey, come on up here," Ms. Abby orders, and I immediately know what is being tried.
The choking incident. I go to where Pressley is, in an attempt to distract myself. We go over the dance, but I can't focus.
"You're the plaintiff. Yolanda, come on. You're the defendant. Gia, stand next to me. You're the judge. You have 30 seconds to plead your case," Ms. Abby orders again, and both the adults surprisingly, willingly get up and stand in their spots.
"Do you need a Bible Ms. Abby? Do we need to swear on the truth?" Ms. Ann asks, pulling an entire Bible out of her purse.
"Oh my God, Ann, do you have a Bible?" Ms. Abby asks as Ms. Ann walks over and gives Ms. Abby the Bible.
"Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth?" Ms. Abby asks Mom.
"I do," Mom and Ms. Yolanda say, a sly smile visible even from behind Mom's head.
Ms. Yolanda starts, stating, "I have never choked her. I pushed her back. Her daughter lied and said I was screaming in her face. I just calmly talked to my daughter to say, "Please get your socks-"
"Time!" Ms. Abby shouts and I am beginning to get flustered.
Why did Ms. Yolanda bring me into this? This is about me, not Elliana and me. You're such a brat, Lilliana. You're the reason Ms. Yolanda choked your Mom. I raise my hand sheepishly.
"We have a witness!" Ms. Abby announces and allows me to speak on my Mom's side.
"I did say that you yelled at me, but I'm not gonna say that you calmly told me that I bullied-" I begin to speak before Ms. Yolanda attempts to cut me off, followed by Ms. Abby attempting to stop Ms. Yolanda.
Mom and Ms. Yolanda begin to argue and scream at each other. I run back to Pressley. Why do you do anything, Lilliana? You make everything worse when you're around.
"Yolanda, do not talk to my child! Ever!" Mom yells and that really sets them off.
I nervously walk around, trying not to have a panic attack while observing this whole conundrum go down. Ms. Abby eventually stops the argument.
"This was supposed to bury the hatchet and put this behind us and it was supposed to be fun. It's time to go to the competition. Let's take all that anger out there and use it in your performance. Let's go," Ms. Abby tells us.
Mom begins to give me a pep talk before she stops, turns, and announces, "She just touched me."
"Are you serious? Because your ass sticks out?" Ms. Yolanda shouts and then another argument breaks out.
Ms. Adriana takes me and Pressley, along with the other girls, and I start to cry hearing the screams. Elliana isn't doing too much better either. You should've never been born, Lilliana. You wouldn't need to cause this stress on your mother if you didn't exist.
"Stop crying, you're gonna ruin your makeup," Sarah whispers and I attempt to stop my tears.
Once I calm down, I hear Elliana beg to the producers to go home and her mother takes her to the bathroom to calm down. All the mothers file out and I hear some chatter saying that Elliana may not even show up and just go home. I hope she's alright. Sarah may end up going on stage.
Sarah and Gia go back to the dressing room to try and find something for Sarah. Pressley and I go to the stage and I'm still flustered. The pictures of my past are flashing through my head, like a screen in front of me. I sit on a box next to the wings and start to shake.
"We're gonna do great, okay? Just focus on the dance. You're past this. Plus, Brady wished us extra luck," Pressley tells me, hugs me, and she walks to the other side of the stage.
I'm not ready. I calm myself down and say a prayer. Please let me win. You don't deserve to do a good duet, Lilliana. You shouldn't even place. Pressley may be your only saving grace. When they call our duet, they use the name Lilliana too. It sounds a shiver down my spine as I walk out, looking confused and scared.
As "Shadow Man" by Ghost Monroe plays, I bring my leg up and bend it slightly so it cradles my head. Pressley comes around and becomes the dark. As we're dancing, I mess up the worm move. You're worthless, Lilliana. You can't even do the worm correctly. It's okay, just move on. Everything else goes right. I think Pressley does too many turns at one point because I notice out of the corner of my eye, she has to cut out a couple of moves, and I have to stay still for a bit, but it's okay. Obvious, but okay.
Even as we are dancing, the flashbacks of throwing up, the nosebleeds, the yellow teeth, and the awful emotional state. I almost freeze and run off stage, but I have to continue. I notice the mom's faces get a little worried. My fake fear; it's turned into real fear.
After Pressley "lures" me off stage, I just collapse into her, sobbing. Pressley takes me away from the cameras somehow. You may have finished, Lilliana, but you didn't do good. There's no way you're gonna beat Elliana and Gia. You're just a weak, little, horrible dancer.
"Here's some water. You did it, Lils. I know it was scary, but you did it. Take a breath and I'll be with the other girls. Let me know if you need anything," Pressley tells me and I watch with blurry eyes as she joins Hannah, Sarah, and Kamryn.
Elliana is with Gia. I guess she's doing the duet. They're called, but none of them go onstage. I guess none of them go on stage until the music begins. After a cute little intro that cues them on accompanied by "Beethoven's Split", announcing that they are in the courtroom of Judge Gia, "Felony" by The Filthy Pillows begins to play.
My eyes slowly become clear, the tears stopping as I watch Gia and Ellie. The only real mistake I see actually comes from Gia. Her aerial is undercut and her knees are bent when she lands. Elliana and Gia are such better dancers than you, Lilliana. They are going to win for sure. Despite having the pill for my anxiety, for my bulimia, and my depression, I still feel like I could jump off a building and my life would be better.
After they get off the stage, they seem satisfied. I let Gia sit where I'm sitting and I join Hannah, Sarah, and Pressley to wish Kamryn good luck. She looks really excited.
"All right, taking the stage right now is entry 41. Here is 'Proud Kammy,'" the announcer announces as Kamryn puts on her face and walks out, arms stretched on either side of her.
"Keep On," by Clarity Music begins to play as Kamryn does her dance. She's sassy, and Pressley and I dance a little TikTok bit to the song. She does a great job. She can definitely make a great fit for the team. She could even replace you, Lilliana. After all, she is such a better dancer than you. And she's cute and tiny.
She's a bit wobbly on her exit and leaps into Hannah's arms in excitement. She nailed her first Ms. Abby solo. We all give her high-fives and hugs and pass her a water bottle. She gives an interview and then we are cleared to go back into the dressing room.
The parents seem very pleased with our performances. Mom, after giving me a bit of praise, immediately goes about unteasing my hair. Ms. Abby wheels in shortly after all of us make it into the room.
"Kammy, how did you think you did?" Ms. Abby asks Kamryn.
"I thought I did good," Kamryn exclaims, a big smile spreading across her face.
"I thought it could've been better. I thought your feet were a little bit sloppy. I thought the face was good, but Tina Turner's over-the-top," Ms. Abby says, and Kammy's smile is gone.
She did really well. She's only seven. Sure, if she was my age, that would've been a mediocre performance, but she's seven. I guess Ms. Abby sugarcoats nothing, even for a newcomer.
"Next, the duets. Pressley and Lilly. Lilly, I thought that you were great except the fact that your stomach could've been engaged a bit more. It was very visible that your abs were contoured on. Both of you guys, the legs were apart on the worm thingy. Pressley, you were okay. Your feet were once again, bricks, and you did four turns instead of two. Overall though, you have the potential to win.
Now, our other duet. I think it was good, I thought it was clean. Gia, we've gotta work on those side aerials. You undercut, you're bouncy, your landing is abysmal. But overall, it was good for only having a day together," Ms. Abby comments.
Your stomach is so fat, Lilliana. You have to do some more ab exercises or else your stomach will never be flat. I tune out for the rest of the conversation, depression, and hopelessness taking over me. There's something about cliques? I don't care at this point. All I care about is when will I ever be good enough?
Suddenly, people stand up and I assume it's for the group dance. I grab my costume and quickly change into it. It's a royal blue color. A blue fitted crop top with rhinestones all over it, acting like diamonds. There's also a blue pencil skirt that has slits on either side that go all the way up to the thighs. At least sometimes my legs will be covered.
Mom sews in this frilly blue headpiece and then puts cold blue paint on my arms. I hope I don't smudge it. She pulls the sleeve carefully over the paint and puts on another glob over the top. My stomach growls in hunger again, and I get a stomach cramp.
As Ms. Abby gives us a pep talk that is more like a Debbie Downer talk, I take a sip of water and it goes away. There is so much on the line. If we don't win, I don't know what Ms. Abby will do. My cuts aren't visible on my arms still. What luck.
"You guys got this," Kamryn decides for us as she waits with us on the sidelines.
Elliana goes over the steps quickly as Sarah goes on the stage and gets in her starting position. "Music for the Royal Fireworks: Overture," plays. Sarah does her part. Then Gia. Then me and Pressley. I do my little jump and that signals Hannah to go on. Eventually, Elliana makes her way to the stage and now we are all on the stage.
"World On Fire," by the Rigs starts to play instead and we break out into our moves. Once the chorus of the song is over, we all arch up and start using the paint. The blue blood. I smear it across my forehead and my face and go down to my legs. Once the chorus starts again, we do a collapse turn to the left.
Elliana uses my chest to do a stag leap and rolls to the ground as I do a firebird. As the chorus dies down, so does Hannah, Elliana, and Gia, all three leaving the stage. Followed by Pressley. It's only Sarah and me vying for the crown. And I, of course, fall short and Sarah takes the crown. You will never be able to retrieve the crown in real life, Lilliana. You aren't good enough.
Everybody did great. We're definitely winning first place. We all high-five and cheer as Kamryn stays far away from us. I guess she doesn't want the blue blood smeared all over her. We all go to the bathroom to wash the paint off of our face, the crew even chipping in to help us. It takes forever, but we all get the blood off before the awards are called. We keep the blood on our legs and arms, though.
I sit in between Sarah and Pressley, holding hands in good luck. They start with the top soloists. Third place is "You are Memory," by a girl named Coco. Second place, "What's Going On?" by another girl by Sakaya.
"In first place, 'Proud Kammy,' Miss Kamryn, Abby Lee Dance Company," the announcer calls out and Kamryn goes up to get her award. I'm so happy for her. She worked really hard on her solo.
The announcer moves onto the top junior duets. I start shaking. Sarah and Pressley hold my hands, half in comfort, half in luck. You don't have a shot in winning, Lilliana. Third place isn't us. It's this other duet called "Pulse."
"In second place, 'Judge Gia,' Abby Lee Dance Company,'" the announcer exclaims as Gia and Elliana go to get the awards.
"And in first place, 'Light Into The Darkness,' Abby Lee Dance Company," the announcer announces.
Pressley and I put big grins on our faces. Suck it, voices! We won! We were first. I feel a little bad for Gia and Elliana, though. They quickly go through the other categories before they finally land on the junior small groups. Maybe Elliana was the key to first. Who knows? You are a screw up, Lilliana. You are going to be the reason this fails if it doesn't win. Third place and second place aren't us.
"In first place, 'Blue Bloods,' Abby Lee Dance Company," the announcer announces and we all smile and get up, bar Kamryn.
Sarah holds the plaque in the middle and we all take a bow. We did it. We won without Brady or Savannah. We are quickly rushed to the dressing room. The moms cheer. We cheer. Even Ms. Abby cheers. We got clean sweeps. We all give Ms. Gianna high-fives for her amazing choreography.
"Blue Bloods! Blue Bloods!" we all chant, so happy that we won.
Me and Hannah grab a change of clothes and go to the locker room in the gym of the school to shower. The hot water turns blue as we scrub on our arms and legs. I look at the clothes Mom gave me. They're legitimate pajamas.
"Did all our parents give us pajamas?" Hannah asks as we both have matching pajamas.
"Wait. Did all of our parents give us matching pajamas?" I ask, and we laugh.
The urge to throw up and cut myself in the toilets grows strong as we pass them, but I have nothing to throw up and I don't have my razor. I haven't eaten in two days. Mom, of course, ruins that streak when she passes out Clif bars to everybody for the way back. Chocolate chip Clif bars.
I don't eat sugar. I don't even open the wrapper until we go back to the bus. Hannah sits next to me, looking out the window. We're going straight back to Pittsburgh, so I guess we're sleeping on the bus. If you eat any sugar, you're gonna become fat and ugly and disgusting.
"Lilly, eat. You haven't all day," Hannah whispers to me.
I slowly unwrap the bar and slowly take a bite, slow enough to cause suspicion. I swallow it. I ate about an eighth. 30 calories plus sugar.
"I'm still not feeling well," I say, playing with the bar.
"One more bite at least," Hannah pleads, and I oblige, cringing as I take another bite before setting it down and gripping my stomach, the feeling of hunger ripping through me.
Why did you eat any sugar, Lilliana? You're gonna pay for it.
"Okay, okay. That's good. Now, just try to fall asleep. We'll be in Pittsburgh in the morning. Goodnight, Lilly," Hannah says, finishing the bar.
"Goodnight," I whisper before closing my eyes.
Competition successful.
***elliana***
I get a text from Hannah before I fall asleep.
Hannah: she doesn't "feel well" again
Ellie: she doesn't seem sick
Hannah: im worried
Ellie: me too
Hannah: she's asleep goodnight
Ellie: gn
She looks so skinny. She's dropped like, five pounds since I got here. I peer over at her. She looks so sad and pained. Everything is too loose. Not good.
~~~~~