Chairman: Dear Director.
Fade in to Blood Gulch
Chairman: I feel you're avoiding the question. If this target was already in possession of an A.I. unit, how was he able to secure an additional unit from Agent South? Would not that verify, as we indicated earlier, that your program now runs experiments with more than one artificial intelligence? If so, where did these additional A.I. come from? And more importantly, how did your agency procure them?
Radio sounds
Command: This is Command calling Red Base, come in Red Base.
Sarge: This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
Command: Agent Washington has reassembled the Blues and kidnapped your soldier.
Sarge: I knew it! I knew he was a Blue! And how dare he kidnap my soldier!
Command: Gather your team, we want you to stop Agent Washington at all costs. This is a level one directive. Good luck Red Base.
Sarge: Hey, one sec. Any word on that soldier poison I ordered?
Command: No. Good luck Red Base.
Sarge: What about the robot nuts?
Command: No. Good luck Red Base. Command out.
Sarge: Well you don't have to get so testy. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? This thing gets terrible reception. Only have one bar! Hello?
Sarge runs down the ramp from Red Base to find Lopez standing idly doing nothing
Sarge: Can you hear me now? Can you hear me? Stupid 4G network. Lopez!
Lopez: Sí.
Sarge: That was Red Command.
Lopez: Sí. Yo sé. [Si. I know.]
Sarge: Were you listening to my call?
Lopez: Registro todas nuestras llamadas por seguro de calidad. [I record all our calls for quality assurance.]
Sarge: They said those dirty Blues are up to no good! And they kidnapped Thea!
Lopez: Esa llamada me sonaba extraña. [Actually, that call sounded strange to me.]
Sarge: I agree! We have to stop 'em. No matter what the cost.
Lopez: Casi como si alguien tomó otra llamada y la corrigió. [Almost like someone took another call and chopped it up.]
Sarge: You're right! I shouldn't be here flappin' my gums, I need to shake a tail feather!
Lopez: Sí, usted se debería ir para su misión falsa al tiro... [Yes, you should go on your fake mission right away...]
Sarge: I gotta reassemble the team! And I know I can't get Donut, so that leaves just Simmons...
Camera pans to a wooden cutout of Grif with darts.
Sarge: ... and Grif.
Lopez: ...y quien sea que haya enviado la llamada lo matará. [...and you will most likely be killed by whomever sent that fake message.]
Sarge: Ah, good point! Maybe I'll get lucky and Grif was killed. Not in a glorious manner like battle of course, but doing something menial and humiliatin'! Maybe he drowned in a toilet while cleaning it.
Lopez: Eres un idiota. [You're an idiot.]
Sarge: I know, I know, I'm hopin' for too much. Lopez, pack m'gear. I gotta get goin'!
Lopez: Ya lo hice. Lo hago cada mañana con la esperanza que decida irse. [It's already done. I pack it every single morning in hopes that you will decide to leave.]
Sarge: Good ol' Lopez, dependable as always. Now Lopez-
Lopez: Oh dios... por favor. No quiero tener un momento. [Oh God... please. I don't want to have a moment.]
Sarge: I know we've had a lot of good times together-
Lopez: No haga esto. [Don't do this.]
Sarge: You've always relied on my guidance and protection.
Lopez: Ni siquiera pudo ganar contra la adolescente.[You couldn't even win the fight with that teenage girl.]
Sarge: But you're going to be on your own now.
Lopez: Bien. [Good.]
Sarge: I prepared you for the world as best I could.
Lopez: Usted me programó en un idioma que nadie habla acá pero Thea. [You programmed me in a language that no one here speaks but Thea.]
Sarge: So take care of yourself. And always remember that I'll be thinkin' of ya.
Lopez: Voy a borrar todo recuerdo tuyo el segundo que te hayas ido. Al igual que por...y... [I am going to erase every memory of you the second you are gone. Just like I did for [FILE DELETED] and [FILE DELETED].]
Sarge: Nope. No words, Lopez. I'll see you again. In a better place. Adios amigo. Adios.
Lopez: Solo vete, viejo hombre estúpido. [Just go, you stupid old man.]
Sarge: I'll miss you too Lopez! Every single day. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Lopez: Menos hablar. Más partida. [Less talking. More leaving.]
Sarge: Me too Lopez! Me too!
Lopez: El pedal está a la derecha. [The gas pedal is on the right.]
Sarge: Heh heh. Now to find Grif and Simmons. I can only imagine what amazing adventures they must be having right ... now.
Immediately cut to Grif and Simmons in front of a Red Team firing squad.
Red Mutineer: Any last words?
Grif: Yeah. You guys suck.
Red Mutineer: Ready! Aim!
Simmons: Killed by our own men, couldn't see this coming.
Cut to Sarge pulling up next to the dead Blues
Sarge: Hello? Anybody here? Anybody alive? No? Good! Blue sucks! Heh heh. Hhm, I don't think Simmons and Grif would have switched to Blue Team, but if they did it might explain why they all died.
Back to Grif and Simmons
Simmons: Wait, wait wait wait.
Red Mutineer: What?
Simmons: Hey, uh, don't we get a last request? You know any- anything like that?
Red Mutineer: What do you want?
Grif: How 'bout for starters you suck my-
Simmons: Shouldn't you at least read us our charges?
Red Mutineer: You know what you did. You were in charge of our ammunition. And you lost it all.
Grif: Don't you think it's ironic that you're about to shoot us because we don't have enough ammo? Also, lost and sold to the other team? Two totally different things.
Red Mutineer: Oh, you're just delaying.
Simmons: Yes, that's true, but it's also true that you have to read us a list of charges. It's in the Red Army Handbook, section on firing squads, subsection 2.9c. page 94, third paragraph.
Grif: You are going to die a nerd. So sad.
Simmons: Do you want to die in the next two seconds or do you want to die a nerd with me five minutes from now?
Grif: ...
Simmons: Well?
Grif: I'm thinking. ...Fine, yeah, what he said, section whatever whatever.
Red Mutineer: I think you're bluffing. I never read that.
Grif: Uh, did you read the Red Army Handbook?
Red Mutineer: Ih... uh... no.
Grif: That's because nobody has, except for him. He's memorized it.
Simmons: In three languages.
Red Mutineer: Uh, what do you guys think?
The Red Mutineer discusses the matter with the firing squad
Grif: Is that a real rule?
Simmons: I have no clue, but they'll either read the book or read the charges.
Soldier: Okay.
Simmons: Either way we're alive for a few more minutes.
Red Mutineer: Yeah, we decided that sounds like too much trouble. So we're just going to shoot you and say the Blues did it.
Simmons: Oh, wait. I didn't think about the "screw it, we're lazy" option.
Grif: Nyeh, I thought of it. I just didn't wanna explain it. Screw it.
Red Mutineer: Ready weapons!
Simmons: Grif, this looks like it's it. Listen, there's something I always wanted to tell you.
Grif: I have something I wanna say to you too, buddy.
Simmons: You first.
Red Mutineer: Ready!
Grif: It was me that stole your identity and ran up all those credit card charges at the pawn shops and peep shows. Sorry.
Red Mutineer: Aim!
Grif: Whew! I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest! So what do you wanna say to me?
Simmons: Hhhh, I seem to have forgotten. Hey asshole, can we hurry this up?
Red Mutineer: Fire!
The firing squad fires, but Sarge drives between them and Grif and Simmons and the Warthog blocks all the bullets in the flank
Sarge: Simmons! Grif! There ya are.
Simmons: Are we dead?
Grif: Well if we are then Hell looks just like the army. Big surprise there.
Sarge: I've been lookin' everywhere for ya.
Simmons: Sarge?
Grif: Yeah, what?
Sarge: What in hell are you two doing?
Simmons: We're being executed by our own men, Sir.
Sarge: Cut it out. I need you guys to come with me. Command has a secret mission for us.
Red Mutineer: Who the hell is this guy?
Sarge: Oh, what is this? Insubordination? Aye yah!
Sarge punches the Red Mutineer in the face with his shotgun
Sarge: Heyah! Come on you two, let's get a move on! Where's yer commanding officer?
Simmons: (pointing at Grif) He's right there.
Sarge: ... Where, behind Grif?
Simmons: Sergeant Grif is our C.O., Sir.
Sarge: Your Sergeant has the same name as Grif? That's a disturbing coincidence.
Simmons: No, no, listen to me. Grif is our commander. He was promoted to Sergeant when you refused to relocate with us.
Sarge: But who's in charge!?
Simmons: Sergeant Grif!
Sarge: Okay see, I can hear you saying words, but it's like they don't match up in a way that makes sense. Did ya have a stroke?
Simmons: Grif is a Sergeant. He's the same rank as you, now.
Sarge: That's who I'm talkin' about. Where is he?
Simmons: He's right there!
Sarge: So, he's invisible.
Grif: Dude, I don't think he's physically capable of understanding what you're telling him.
Red Mutineer: Does this mean we get a new Sergeant now? Awesome, 'cause this one sucks.
Sarge punches the Red Mutineer in the back of the head this time and knocks him down again
Sarge: Gah. Never talk that way about a superior.
Grif: Did Sarge just call me superior? I heard it, Simmons is a witness! Oh man, I wish Thea was here!
Simmons: Don't even get me and Thea involved.
Sarge: What's going on in this outpost? Insubordination, invisible Sergeants, Simmons has had a stroke!
Grif: It totally counts.
Sarge: You two just get in the jeep. We're gettin' out of here. I'll explain on the way.
Simmons: Shotgun!
Grif: I outrank you, get in the back.
Simmons: Damn it!
Sarge: Son, tell your Sergeant I'm taking these two with me. He can call Command for verification.
Red Mutineer: But, you're taking our Sergeant.
Sarge: What? I can't hear you!
The jeep drives away
Sarge: Engine's too loud.
Red Mutineer: What the hell just happened?
Soldier: Hey guys? The Blues are all dead.
Red Mutineer: Euh, I'm going to go lie down.
Back at Blood Gulch, Lopez is standing alone in the middle of the canyon
Lopez: Así. [Great.]
Lopez: Ahora estoy solo. [Now I'm lonely.]
Lopez: Sigh. (Lopez sighs)