Chapter 46 Turning Point
YU decides to leave at 1:25 p.m. already. He can't stand it another minute. The campus is big and it takes him about 10 minutes to reach Sam's office. And today, Sam is allowed to quietly realize that he is way too early with excitement.
He recalls last Wednesday waiting for him outside Sam's door. It seems to him as if years have intervened.
With quick steps he strides, he hovers, he hurries.
Meanwhile, Sam's brain demonstrates the artistic abilities of nature. It sends a variety of hormones into Sam's body. Messenger substances that make him feel himself.
The adrenaline stimulates his nerves and triggers a tingling sensation in all his cells. Overwhelmed, he feels his body numb.
The serotonin spikes his senses. Sharpens his memory and concentration like a scalpel.
Happiness bubbles up in every cell, making his heart foam.
And when there's a knock at his door at 1:37 p.m., he sees himself ready for any turn in his life.
Sam walks to the door and opens it.
A beaming face greets him.
Nadine's red cheeks light up when she finally sees Sam in front of her.
"Hey, Sam, I got out of the exam extra early. I really wanted to see you again," she says in an excited voice.
Sam swallows. The sting of his disappointment resounds through his body. He tries hard to look professional.
He points his hand down the hallway, gesturing for Nadine to continue talking outside his office.
And when Nadine still doesn't step aside to let Sam through, Sam decides to intervene.
"Hello, Nadine. Let's talk in the hallway, please.
The next session is about to start. I don't have much time," he says, again gesturing for her to give him room. At the same time, he avoids physical contact.
She smiles and allows him to exit.
YU's brain, meanwhile, releases testosterone.
The sex hormone that ignites any pent-up drive desires.
Causes aggression that reinforces both punishing and rewarding behavior.
Initiate retaliation and generosity.
A hormone that makes the senses evaluate situations.
And makes one judge and act with the most primal drive.
YU is intoxicated by this messenger.
He rushes and wants to show Sam.
That he is all his delight.
That he adores and desires him.
That he is everything to him.
He hurries.
And as he turns into the long hallway to Sam's office, his heart skips a beat.
He sees Sam 20 yards away with his back to him. He's having a conversation with a woman.
YU falters for a moment and his feet take control.
He needs to get closer. He wants to be able to assess the situation.
He hurries.
Meanwhile, Sam listens to Nadine's explanations and feels uncomfortable.
Just intoxicated by the supreme messengers of happiness, he feels his spirits sinking.
"Sam, I can't wait another week. I almost just didn't go to the exam. I'd rather be with you," Nadine declares, her eyes googly with effort.
She presses her thin lips together in a shy smile.
Her posture is very obvious to an outsider. With her upper body slightly bent forward, she seeks Sam's proximity.
Sam stands rigidly, trying to brush her off.
"Nadine, we have two years to do research. Your exam comes first. You need to study and move on," he says matter-of-factly.
"But Sam, I don't know. I mean. I've really only been able to think about you for the last week. I can't take another week like that," she confesses, putting her hands on her flushed cheeks.
Sam feels a stormy restlessness rising inside him. He really doesn't need this right now. He tries hard not to show his rising anger and to handle the situation confidently.
"The last analysis meeting after our first session upset you. You are transferring repressed drive desires onto me. This is exactly the topic of my research. We'll talk about it next week," he says, deciding wrong.
He gently puts his hand on her shoulder.
A gesture to strengthen her.
A gesture of farewell.
A gesture that makes YU boil over now standing behind Sam.
A gesture that makes Nadine's flush boil.
And through this brief gesture, everything turns.
Nadine reaches for Sam's hand with both hands. She clasps it pleadingly and everything gushes out of her. Unthinkingly and with infantile speed she pours oil on the fire.
"Sam, I only want you. I can't wait anymore. Please make time for me today. Let's have dinner together, shall we? I'll take the day off. You can do anything with me. Yes? I know you're not committed. Give me a chance. I can make you happy. Yes? Come on. Go out with me!" pleads Nadine, pulling on Sam's captured hand.
Sam tries to win his hand back.
"Nadine, please don't do that," he says seriously and is startled by YU's sudden appearance.
He looks at him with widened eyes and feels the fear caused by YU's scowl.
Now he pulls his hand out of Nadine's and puts it on YU's shoulder.
"Nadine, this is completely inappropriate. And the answer is no. I'll see you next week," Sam says gruffly, letting his hand trail down YU's arm and clasping YU's freezing hand with his.
He wants to get out of here.
He wants to get out of here with YU.
And drags him behind him to his practice.
But YU shakes Sam's hand away.
"I'm too early. You can go ahead and finish what you're doing.", YU's cold voice rings out, making Sam's insides shiver.
He turns around and sees YU striding away with a quick step.
"Sam, I still have some time. You owe me that time. He's right. Our session isn't over yet," Nadine demands, grabbing Sam's arm.
Sam is stunned by the situation.
He sees YU running away and feels Nadine press him.
His mind makes a clear decision.
With an unambiguous gesture, he pulls free from Nadine's hands and shouts loudly:
"YU, wait. YU!", turning to Nadine and replying curtly, "Nadine, you go now. This is totally inappropriate. Don't touch me!"
He seethes. Sam is seething. He's raging.
An all-consuming rage rises up inside him.
"YU!" he roars, running after him, "Stop right there. YU!"
But YU does not want to stop.
He never wants to stop again.
Never linger again.
Never stay again.
Scalding hot anger burns his skin.
Blasts his consciousness.
He only wants to leave.
Further and further away.
To disappear.
He wants to disappear.
"YU!" he hears Sam's deep sound approaching.
Nothing can stand in his way anymore.
Nothing.
Not even Sam.
Nothing.
He is nothing.
He wants nothing.
And when he feels Sam's hand grab him from behind, a deep scream rises from his body.
With tremendous strength, he wrenches himself from Sam's grasp.
"Don't touch me!" he roars at him and keeps running.
Sam feels every highest peak of his love plunge into the deepest depths of aggression.
"Stop right there. I'll scream it all out if you do. Stop the fuck right there, YU!" quivers Sam's angry sound in the high halls of humanist Humboldt University.
And YU falters.
The shame of his particular preference rains down on him, masking any anger.
He can't turn around and look at Sam.
But he can't leave either.
The fear of exposure is too great.
Everyone will see him.
Condemning his void existence.
Sam feels a huge knot bursting inside him.
He is flooded with disappointment.
So for this he stops.
The lump choking him in his throat breaks his voice as he addresses his words to YU:
"Let's talk behind closed doors. Follow me."
And Sam turns and walks brokenly back to his practice.
He hears the footsteps following him and mourns the lost hope at the sound of them.
He mourns.
He mourns this turning point.
He mourns deeply with each step.
At every step YU takes with his face hidden in the darkness.
He does not want to be seen.
Yes, he follows Sam.
He follows him everywhere.
He will listen to him.
And leave. Disappear.
Tell him what he wants to say.
Then he will leave.
And when they arrive at Sam's office, YU's heart races, demanding to be heard.
With shaky legs, he stands in front of the closed door.
He is ready.
Ready for this turning point.
Sam stands at the window, fighting the angry tears behind his sad eyes.
He swallows, finding it hard to let the life-sustaining oxygen back into his lungs.
Torturous minutes torment their souls with silence.
Sam just can't find the right words.
What should he start with?
Should he explain to him that Nadine is an assaultive student who can't reflect on her behavior or judge the consequences?
Should he tell him how horrible it is when he swats his hand away from her?
Should he just tell him that he loves him and that he shouldn't misunderstand the situation?
That he only wants to be his after all?
That he could have shown her who he belongs to after all?
That he should finally stop opposing their love?
That he should stand by him?
YU feels his strength, which is raging inside him, fading.
He sees Sam's back at the window.
His entire figure.
With his back to him.
Looking into the distance.
Turning his back on him.
He feels the sense of loss wash over him.
Any anger, any shame, any will to survive dwindles in the fear of loss.
He feels the loss of Sam.
He has lost him.
All his life he has endured and waited for him.
And now he has lost him.
Lost to a woman.
Lost to life.
To the life to which he does not belong.
To the life of others.
To everyone else.
Except him.
And now it is YU who mourns.
He feels the trembling grief withering his skin.
The musty dying process invades him and lays its dead breath over his soul.
And with each silent second he feels, finally dissolving.
He follows with mourning eyes at last the call of his existence into nothingness.
Without Sam.
"I wish so much to be yours. I want so much for everyone to know. I want them to see that I am bound. That my love has found its place. That I have arrived. I want everyone to know. But you're not ready. You don't want my love. You're not ready to make a true binding with me. And I can't change it. I can't change the way you feel about me. I can't change your feelings for yourself. I can't change it," Sam's sad voice breaks the endless silence.
He turns and walks to the door. In front of YU, he looks at him with deep sad eyes.
"I release you, YU. I set you free.", he says seriously and turns his glassy eyes away.
He tenderly puts his hand on YU's shoulder, gently pushes him aside and leaves his practice.
Leaves him.