Chapter 45 Defense Mechanisms
It is Wednesday, 11/21/2021, 12:38 pm.
Nadine emailed Sam that she could not attend today's meeting because she was writing an exam. Sam ignored the irrelevant information around it and the pretentious flattery in her email.
If he is completely honest with himself, he is happy for the time he has now gained.
He lies on his therapy couch in his office and indulges his fantasies.
Intoxicated by the hope of having reached YU with his confession, the images of their sleepless night overwhelm him.
After confessing his love to him, YU showed him the most sensual facets of his lust that night.
Sam blushes and feels himself swell at the thought of their union.
Of their repeated and irrepressible symbiosis.
They made love until dawn.
The walls of his apartment witnessed their unrestrained sounds.
Their passionate love.
And Sam turns to the side and pulls his legs to his body.
Calm down. Calm down.
He takes a deep breath and feels his lust flare up inside him.
He wants him. Wants to be inside him. To be one.
And he catches himself being tempted by his urges.
His senses imagine YU's taste, his sounds, his scent, his hot warmth in and on him.
Calm.
But Sam's lap glows and longs for YU.
Today he finally sees him again.
How is he supposed to work with him?
How can he hold back?
He misses him so.
For one whole day, they didn't see each other.
When YU left his apartment on Tuesday morning, they agreed not to see each other again until the Wednesday session.
Sam asked for that.
He told YU to focus on the lectures. And asked him to rest well and reminded to call Dr. Lambe.
"Let's love each other freely. Love timelessly free. Please let Dr. Lambe guide you and set you free.", he said to YU and their lips made a hot-intimate promise to each other.
And throughout the day, Sam felt how much he missed him.
In every session he conducted professionally, the sweet sound of his longing for YU floated in his body.
The hope that YU could leave his shadow and freely express himself by Sam's side made him regress.
All day long, he nibbled his lower lip, trying to calm his bubbling excitement.
His consciousness tolerated no doubts. No apprehension.
And even in the silence of last night, his ego paid no heed to his superego urging caution.
His ID left him feverishly hungry.
YU's unrestrained sounds were in the air, his sensual scent drifted up from his bed, and his body recalled every touch, every peak.
Sam surrendered.
He surrendered to the wild cry of his libido, satisfying himself like a teenager to exhaustion.
Again and again.
Intoxicated by his memories, he surrendered.
Rang for composure. For control.
Lost every fight and sought release from the delusion on his body.
The madness of love.
The attraction.
The displacement.
Sam straightens suddenly, slapping gently against his glowing cheeks.
Calm down. Calm down.
I'll see him again in a moment. He is not merely an object of lust. Don't reduce him to just that.
He is much more.
He is everything.
Everything.
Today you get to enjoy his sharp mind.
Today we work together.
Today you listen to his thoughts.
Today is the beginning of a time of research together.
Today.
Meanwhile, YU sits in the old, imposing Humboldt Library, staring excitedly at his books in the respectful silence.
Surrounded by bookshelves reaching into the sky, filled with the ancient and new treasures of human knowledge, enveloped in the mystical atmosphere of the towering works, he sits in front of his books and thinks of Sam.
He promised him.
He did promise him.
Yesterday he distracted himself all day with the lectures.
Even visited Professor Österreich in his office after the lecture and had tea with him.
YU smiles as he remembers how Professor Österreich could not suppress a short cry when he opened the knocking door.
He was really happy to see YU.
And YU enjoyed the hour with him in his office.
They talked about the psychological causes of xenophobia.
One can find a cause for it all over the world at any moment in life.
And YU enjoyed the remarks of his professor, who vehemently resented this human fear and wished for more free thinkers.
An appeal.
To free oneself.
To not be led by one's fears.
To reflect on oneself.
And YU listened to his remarks and admitted to himself that he is also afraid.
Afraid to enter his apartment again after that day.
To go into his kitchen. To open the drawer. To hold the card from Dr. Lambe in his hand.
And he admitted to himself that he is afraid to contact her.
He doesn't want to open up to anyone.
Only Sam. Only Sam is supposed to see him.
Only Sam shall visit him in the shadow of himself. To stay with him.
He is afraid.
Of the world outside the shadow.
An abstract fear that wouldn't let him drive home yesterday.
He said goodbye to his professor and ran.
Ran onto the Spree Bridge across from the Berlin Cathedral and lingered there until the German winter brought darkness.
Then, on the magnificent boulevard Unter den Linden, he began his long march.
Only his tired cat eyes peered up from his thick, black scarf as he walked down the brightly lit, tourist-crowded street.
His body took control of his gait.
Floating within himself, he allowed himself to let Sam mentally accompany him.
He remembered his words.
His eyes as he spoke.
His tender, warm hand on his face.
The feeling of supreme happiness at his side.
Sam is his fulfillment.
The fulfillment of his life.
He realized that.
He felt that.
The waiting had a meaning.
He found him.
Sam found him.
And looking at the Sandstone Gate in the heart of Berlin, the Brandenburg Tor that became the symbol of German unity after the fall of the Berlin Wall, YU felt so free as he reminisced.
He felt free.
At Sam's side, he does feel free.
That's all he wants.
Just to be with Sam.
That's all he needs.
And then as he walked along the dark Tiergarten on the street of June 17, his thoughts pulled him into their sleepless night.
YU smirked in his scarf as the lights of the cars blinded him.
He walked along the numerous tall trees of the green heart of Berlin and felt the excitement rising in his body.
Sam's expression.
His excitement.
He enjoys it so much when he sees him lose his cool.
Over and over again, he wants to see that moment.
To hold him even tighter.
He doesn't want him to want anything else.
He wants to ignite his lust and make him escalate.
And his deep bass should testify to it.
YU chuckled and felt himself swell.
He closed his eyes and remembered the feeling on his skin.
When Sam grabs him with his hands.
When he digs his fingers into him.
When he plays on him like an instrument.
And YU remembered every supreme moment.
Their symbiosis.
Sam showed him his love.
He declared his love to him.
He could never have dreamed of more.
That's all he needed.
Only Sam.
He missed him so much.
And as he walked toward the nearly 70-foot-tall, winged sculpture of the Siegessäule commemorating German triumphs, he felt free.
He felt free.
At Sam's side, he does feel free.
That's all he wants.
No one else does he want.
With Sam, he is free.
And that's all that matters.
The ice-cold air made his breath rise steaming from his scarf as he crossed the big star and made the long march to Ernst-Reuter-Platz past the Technical University of Berlin.
The various modern and historic buildings of the technical faculties made his mind illuminate the logical consequence of his childhood.
He admitted to himself that he needed therapy.
Remembered the moments of agony.
The feeling of fear.
But YU's Ego can't face the painful rage of his abuse. So far he substituted the screaming aggression against himself.
He deserved it.
Any pain he deserved.
But he doesn't want that anymore.
He wants to be free for Sam.
And since his drive desire for retribution cannot be discharged, he focuses on Sam.
Sam is the substituted object of his desire drive.
He wants him.
Feels the violent tremors inherent in him focus on Sam.
It is him.
He sets him free.
Only Sam.
And as YU recalls his march yesterday and his thoughts in the library, he nods in agreement.
Yes, he learned to hide as a child.
He learned not to trust.
He never learned to love himself.
But now he does feel loved.
Sam loves him.
And he is the only person in this world who can make him feel that way.
That's enough for him.
He was waiting for him, after all.
Without knowing him, he already knew as a child that there will be someone who can really love him.
Who will give him his worth.
Yes, Sam is worth YU endured everything.
He deserves to have it all.
He doesn't need another person for therapy.
Sam's love is his therapy.
He feels free to be by his side.
He can love Sam freely after all.
And as YU's consciousness trembles unsteadily from the upsetting events of the past few weeks, denying the violent tremors of his unconscious, he loses himself again in thoughts of his march yesterday.
He arrived at Lietzensee completely frozen and exhausted after walking up Bißmarckstraße to Kaiserdamm.
It was 7:36 p.m. and people were still strolling along the shore.
And YU wished so much that time would let them get home faster.
He wanted to get on their swing and feel close to Sam.
He had to linger that long.
Although his body roared at him the traces of the last sleepless night, the thought of going home did not occur to him.
He just couldn't.
He only felt free with Sam.
Only near him.
And so he sat down in the boathouse Stella and drank a tea. Warmed up a little for the sleepless night on the swing.
Until dawn.
Only until dawn.
He promised him, after all.
Sam wasn't allowed to see him.
And when he found a warm refuge in the Humboldt University library this morning, he took advantage of the respectful silence to rest.
He slept briefly and was awakened by the tingling in his stomach.
Today, he sees him again.
He sees his Sam again.
He can feel free again.
Today he will be able to breathe again.
Today he can be free again.