Chapter 44 Free Love
"I want you to listen to me," Sam whispers as he presses his index finger against YU's soft lips.
They both lie turned to each other in Sam's bed.
Naked.
YU's cat eyes sparkle with ecstasy.
Sam has whisked him away to theire heaven and now he never wants to be anywhere else.
With eyes undyingly in love, he peers into Sam's deep gaze.
And he has condemned him to silence.
Every cell of his body listens to the sounds of the beloved mouth.
"I want you to listen to me," Sam repeats, tenderly stroking YU's lips.
"I've never felt such an intense sensation with so many facets in my life. I don't care how deep the feeling can tear me. I've seen its darkest features. And felt the brightest ones roll over my body.
YU, I want you to know that I see you and want only you. I don't know if it goes against all reason to speak of love right now. But there is no other term that could name my feelings for you. No other word could describe the meaning, the scope." Sam confesses, diving into YU's glazed eyes.
"The more I listen inside, the clearer my love becomes.
This emotion comes from appreciating your specific qualities.
Never before have I met a person whose superior perception and sharp mind have so catch me," Sam explains, beginning to trace YU's facial contours with his finger.
"But also your breathtaking being, your stature capturing me show me the Aristotelian description of love.
Never before have I felt the need.
Felt the urge for a we.
The hunger for union.
I want to be a we with you.
I reach out to myself and want to be a we with you.
I want to share everything with you, with the goal of letting our individuality unfold freely. I want to care for you and feel protected by you.
I want to grow at your side and let your blossoming give me the highest happiness.
Was it not Fromm who explained the paradox of love to us?
Didn't he say that love makes two people strive for union, but at the same time they remain two people.
Didn't Fromm demand free love?
Two free individuals united by their love striving toward life?" asks Sam, tenderly stroking YU's eyebrows.
"But I also realize that I get lost in the tides of our union.
I've never lost control before. Always been able to secure my inner fortress. I've always been able to rely on my mind.
Since I met you, untamed, frightening sides showed up in me.
I am losing my mind.
I am driven and guided by my most primal feelings.
But didn't Nietzsche say
'There is always some madness in love. But there is also some reason in madness'?
Powerful images, stirring moments.
And your Kafka gives me the answer to my perplexity.
Didn't he write in the letters to his lover
'Love is that you are the knife with which I dig inside myself.'" Sam quotes and smiles.
He puts his warm hand on YU's face and shows him with his eyes, his deep affection.
"Yes, YU, you are the person who makes me dig.
Making me dig myself.
Makes me grow and thrive.
And even in the darkest moments of my madness, I hear my mind naming you as the object of my love.
Every hunger of my being is directed toward you.
You are my drive to explore myself.
I remain me, free, individual, intoxicated at your side.", Sam reveals himself and approaches YU's face.
He kisses him on the forehead, on the nose, on the chin and finally on the mouth.
YU should feel it. Let him feel his love. Listen to his words. Internalize what he says.
Their breath unites like their lips promised to each other.
Slowly, Sam pulls his face back and begins to stroke YU's hair.
His eyes wander over every part of his face that loves him so much, finally returning to his deep, tear-filled eyes.
"YU, I need you. I've come to realize that. And I realize even more what Fromm means by his definition of immature and mature love.
Immature love says, 'I love you because I need you.'
Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'
I don't need you to deal with my life.
I don't need you to love myself.
I need you because I love you.
Because you are.
I love you, YU.", Sam confesses, feeling the heaviness of his heart raging inside him again.
"I don't want to just be your way.
I don't want you to need me to show you the way.
I don't want to be replaceable.
I want you to find your way.
To love you.
And see me.
I want your love.
Your free love.
That you decide for me.
To free yourself from your self-destructive shackles and need me because you love me," Sam demands, allowing the burning tears behind his eyes their freedom.
"I love you, YU. And as Kafka once found the right words:
'Your hand is in mine as long as you leave it there.'"
Sam's shaky, deep voice rings out, flooding YU's senses with the human body's most healing messengers.
YU places his hands on Sam's face and strokes the escaping tears with his thumb.
He brings his face to Sam's and lets the tips of their noses touch each other.
His body is taken by the supreme intoxicants of his brain.
Every cell of his skin tingles, claiming its tribute.
Sam's deep sound, the deep meaning of his words floats into YU's body, enveloping every instance of his psyche, burning their engraving into his soul.
His emotions swell.
All feelings.
All facets.
All of them.
"I love you, Sam. I love you.", YU breathes and pulls Sam into a passionate kiss.
He wants to be one with him.
To feel him inside of him.
To unite their bodies and their souls.
To unite with him forever.