Amara
I think the best of me has always known there was a better pf time before I broken and cracked into pieces.
I think that part of me has also believed it wouldn't be so soon.
my shaky hands hold two items, one with a gun and the other with letters for Alex.
I've been writing letters to Alex ever since I could write and they've never actually been given to him but I'm sure he has discovered them but choose to never say anything about them.
I sob even more knowing my life will effect his with whatever I may choose today.
if I stay ill have to own up to what has happen to me and what I've done or been doing, if I die them he will find out either way what has become of me since I returned not tp long ago.
I hold the gun straight between the center of my eyes.
I began to sob, even shaking uncontrollably I have to take two hands to steady myself I sit down on the floor of my room at the edge of my bed.
I position myself for when I fall it won't be to bad.
I drop the gun needing to crawl over to reach it and seat back into place, I take a deep shaky breath.
I look over at the last letter I had written, its to Alex and only him.
"I don't want to go", I softly say.
"I'm so sorry", I whimper.
"I failed this life, I failed everyone and everything, and for that I will always deeply hate myself for", I whisper again.
"this is how it has to be, I didnt want to leave you, but sometimes we can't choose our future. find happiness maybe even peace, someone to love, someone to grow old with that will love you for you"
goodbye, my love...
those are my last words, they have to be, this is how it all ends.
the gun falls to the floor with one loud BANG, I hear foot steps running upstairs, shit he should've have been home, I checked and the world fades into the background, there is no nose, no heartache, just complete darkness and myself.
I can't feel anything, I am gone.
to be truthful; I died years even miles before this journey even started but now people just start to realize that, since I'm gone.
forever...
timelessly wondering with a lost soul...
Alex
I heard a loud bang and something fall above me, you don't hear gun shots like that and a drop to make your own heart fall out of your chest.
"please, please don't be real", I plea rushing upstairs to our room.
my hands aren't steady and I feel as if I can't own the door.
I breath in and out as calmly as I can, "its not what you think", I assure myself not feeling calm at all.
my own sobs break lose as I close my eyes to open the door, and like that I open them, and there she is...
a gun shot wound through the head and a gun right next to her.
I can't tell who's screaming or if its just me but I rush to her and take out my shaky hands to call 9-1-1 knowing they can't do anything as I move the hair from her face.
I take her limp almost completely gone body in my hairs and rest her head onto my lap and cradle her in my arms as tight as possible, getting blood all over me.
"its gonna be okay", I reassure her
"its gonna be okay", I repeat again.
"I promise", at this point I think I'm in shock trying to convince myself this isn't happening.
This isn't happening.
I can't promise this, I can't promise this, I can't...
I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this...
my voice on the phone isn't calm, I'm not calm, I'm dying on the inside.
"not like this, please, not like this"
Don't do this Amara, don't die, don't leave me.
"I need you, PLEASE", I sob into her chest.
my own voice is all I hear other than my beating heart ringing to come out of my chest and into hers, maybe to keep her alive longer I don't know.
Thump thump,
Thump thump,
Thump thump,
Thump thump.
I look up and over to the side and see a letter there, titled dear Alex in bold letters.
oh god
This is real.
I try to clear my vision as I read...
~~~
dear Alex,
I guess there truly are no words to speck of say to make up for all that your seeing and going through, I know I'm selfish and I'm a brat and you hate me, I hate me for this.
truth is, I couldn't stay any longer, I killed a man, I killed Oliver and you should hate me more than I hate myself for that, I can't fathom how you haven't thrown me away yet, I can't... I just can't think.
I want to say, 'I'm sorry' or 'time will heal all' but I don't want t lie to you, not in this, thats the lest I can do right now is not lie.
Maybe when the flowers grow things will get better,
and THEY WILL grow, time will go on.... And for sure once the flowers bloomed and blossomed everything got better, including her finding peace.
you'll find I was doing this for me, nothing you did or said lead me to this point this is something I needed to do a long time ago, Oliver should've never died, it should've been me, I should've died that day, then everything would be better, happier.
I really hope I wasn't to shitty of a person to you or anyone else, I hope I wasn't shitty enough for you to find me, you should be home, you shouldn't see me.
before I go I will call the ambulance so they can find me, not you.
please don't find me.
I hate myself already I can't hear you morn over me.
truth is, I rather you hate me then understand.
maybe you'll understand one day, but until then and I really hope that day never comes, I love you.
I want to go with a happy memory for you, remember the time we did karaoke? that may have been the happiness memory I have truly, other than the day I met you.
if you don't remember I will remind you,
We were probably the worst two singers in the whole place, we didn't care who were having fun and we had each other.
I just wish that was all of the good memories we didn't have to have the bad ones holding us back.
you took it upon yourself to try to hit every high note knowing that you sounded like a drowned rat but then again that might be a insult to the rat.
I looked over over into your eyes meat and I feel complete. you are the one for me yeah I feel as if we don't need labels, we don't need thanks holding us down, I just needed you in my life, forever.
And for a second maybe even longer I forget about the grief, loss, pain, and all that has been tearing me down since the loss of summer.
God was I so naïve and high school thinking that we were going to grow old together and she was going to be there living right next to me on my farm so I could be the cool rich aunt next-door.
We were supposed to have nightly dinners, and morning tea/coffee. Well never get that yet I still know in my heart she still there and that's enough for me to keep going and be happy and enjoy being with you and Oliver.
I then and there realized how much you meant to me even though grief, I always knew but it was a major eye opener and you always had a way to make me feel complete, but this, this that I caused I couldn't forgive myself and I know deep down you didn't want to forgive me either, and for what its truly worth I AM sorry and never wanted to hurt you.
but every sorry in the world can't make up for me being here, goodbye, my love.
but im most sorry for that I couldn't simply do or be better, not just for me but for you.
- Amara golds
...
I watched as the color drain from her face,
Her touch cold as ice,
The room started to fade black and everything was slowly fading away,
Her fingertips limb and lifeless leaving no indication of the vibrant warmth they normally produced.
Her heart monitor blank with a long beep.
The hospital room that we once called 'roomy' and filled with games and joy started closing in on me leaving no room to breathe.
Silent sobs and screams echoed throughout the room and hallways.
I don't know how's voice his who's in the moment, I don't know if its from me or another and I don't care, she's leaving me, she promised she wouldn't...
...
*flash back*
"Amara...", I say as the tears threaten to leave as I can feel them deep in my throat and it becomes hard to breath or think in the moment looking out at summer and olivers grave stones.
"please you can't leave me either, we promised eachother we would always have the other when we were kids... please just be there for me", she falls into a sob and my heart breaks, shes making me nervous.
"I promise", I say bringing her closely to my chest, I need to fill her take away her pain or help, anything.
...
*todays time*
She slowly faded away as if she left nothing behind, no story, no friends, no life.
Everything was gone in an instant.
She had passed, a void of nothing, goodbyes were said, tears shed, forgiveness and fake promises were said.
People had all the time in the world, yet I had none.
this bone crushing and shattering moments is all we have in this world, all we think we need but I think we truly need and want are love... from those we hold dearly to our hearts.
"please you promised me... Amara, you can't leave me too. please I need you I-i-i'll do anything, just come back. I see so much in you only time can show you, I didn't know it had gotten so bad I didn't see the signs that you didn't want to be here anymore, please", I breath out the last part in a pleading way trying to bargain to get her back.
This was our perfect ending, alone and scared with the hope to see the other again.
I feel all the letters fall from my lap, the last thing she's ever given... her through words, its all I have left from her.
"dad, whats wrong with mommy?", Theo cries coming up to hug me.
I kiss the top of his head, "mommy won't be coming home with us", I cry along with him only making us more emotional as I hold him tight and close, I can't lose anything else.
...
"To my love Alex, the only guy to ever truly care and show interest...", I read from the ending of the letter.
"To my love, my snow angle..."I place the letter down of the last words from Amara, "s-she's gone, she's never coming back", I choke out while breaking into a sob.
I let my head fall into my hands resting on my knees as I look out at the three headstone in front, summer, Oliver, and Amara, all I have other than Theo...
after all this time Through sickness and in health till death do us part we promised each other — she just realized the world wasn't meant for her, it wasn't me or anything I could've done or said to change it so death came sooner than expected for her.
my sweet fun ridden, smiling, sunshine, is gone and I have nothing... no one, I am all alone.
summer died in a hospital bed from her heart giving out, Oliver died in the same room same hospital bed as summer from a car accident, and Amara... Amara is gone from suicide.
why of all things did I have to be left alone, Oliver had summers journal, and I had Amara's letters until the very end.
her last letter dated, march 20... the first day of spring, when the flowers grow.
Amara smith, died from suicide march 20th, my love gone forever just another story to tell, something for schools to give one of those talks about how it effects others and family dearly.
she blamed herself everyday, to much over Oliver's death I guess she couldn't take the guilt anymore.
it wasn't her fault, no one blamed her but herself and thats what hurts the most.
Don't confuse my story or hers, we got our happy endings... I married her and got to love harder and more than anyone, she got to go home and fall in love.
We grow, time goes on...and once the flowers bloomed and blossomed everything got better, she found her peace and I guess over time I did reading her letters.
Amara I love you more than the sun and moon, when the stars aligned they brought me back to you. I will never let go of the memories of us together and I will always cherish our lives together.
Until we met again, I just wonder if we will get a better ending of if we are boomed to live this way over and infer again having our souls wonder and hope for the same thing.
and I knew, from all the pages, letters, and messages sent we were never going to have enough time. My journey was forgiveness and healing and she gave that to me. Amara's and my story may be over but never forgotten from the many hearts she filled with joy.
Once and always my snow angel
I don't want to be selfish, I hate that I am but... why? Why the hell did she have to leave me too?
First it was summer, I thought I could take it but it still stings... then Oliver, that one I can seem to form the pain from, I've become numb to it... then, Amara... my forever, she was a snowflake. But it doesn't matter she's gone, and I have to deal with it. But I wanted her with me forever and I guess I was to selfish to believe it, that maybe I could keep her. And I was to selfish to allow it to last, I lost what gave me hope.
They grew, time went on.... And for sure once the flowers bloomed and blossomed everything got better, including her finding peace.
I was not meant for the love in the story books, maybe I was meant to be sad and alone forever.
she's been gone for nearly 10 years now, ten years in the world that I have lived without her.
her warm touch, her angle appearance, her undying love.
her side of the bed has went cold years ago, the scent and smells of her faded away, she is gone forever, truly.
they say a touch last 7 years, its been that plus 3 more... you read about how hard it is to say goodbye or how when the love interest finally is happy only loss what they loved most in the world, for me thats reality.
me, Oliver, summer, and Amara, our high school friend group of four and memories to last a lifetime ... and then there was one lonely soul, bound to this earth forever or until my heart gives over either way....
I've lost out of how many days, years, seasons, months, dates, etc.. have passed without all of them but I know I see them every day under the oak tree Oliver loved dearly after summers passing, Amara's snowflake necklace in hand, and summers light and warmth spread into the summery air.
I was just the best friend, and unforgettable.
and I will forever morn over her, miss her smile, the warmth of her touch, and the feeling I always had to bring sheer happiness from her.
she wasn't perfect but either am I, and we had each other and thats all that mattered, right?
I thought it was forever, but I think I was mistaken for what forever truly meant.
It was all but a lucid dream, I made it all up in my head,
Amara and me never got married,
I never had a child...
When I was visited in the hospital by Theo it was my imagination trying to comfort me,
I thought of all that I wished for that I could have with her I added my own happy ending— something you can only dream of when you loss what you love most and I lost Amara...
I look up into the sky thinking of all three of them and what we could've had in the end, our happy ending... together.
"How do you think they would do seeing it from my eyes? All alone left to live without their sad lonely lives, to suffer..."
"I made it all up, okay...", I took a long pause preparing myself even though I was speaking to the sky.
"I never got my happy ending with Amara, she died before we could get married or have children. Don't you see now I have nothing left", I yelled breaking into sob.
"There all gone and I feel I will give up soon too", I continue.
I can feel the warmth of summers bright smile on me,
Oliver's temper that gave others life from him caring,
and my nose if filled with the scent of a strong honey smell you could only get from amara.
...
"Do you think they listen?", I can hear her cries through that statement, I feel the tears threatened leak even for a moment.
"What, who?", I become harsh ready to lash out, again.
"Summer and Oliver, do you think they listen to us and care? Of are they living it up having a party laughing at all we do?", i hear her voice become weaken as she breaks into a sob.
"I believe they are watching over us like our own very personal Guardian Angels", I proclaim trying to lighten the mood.
"I think so too", she adds laying my head on on my shoulder only now getting comfortable as we sit here under the tree looking out at summer and Oliver's grave.
"I wish they were still here", she says after many a long silence between us, the comforting kind that you know you can only get from a best friend or someone you care about, Someone that gets you dearly.
"Me too, me too", i say planting a kiss on the top of her head and laying my head on hers.
"Never leave me Amara, do that like summer and Oliver had, I can't mourn you too", i pleas to get her to promise me, I can't be alone I don't think I could make it.
"I could never leave you in a world you hardly get through on your own with", she chocks out.
"Good, I promise to never leave you either", i add back.
...
I come back from a startling feeling as I lay, knees on the ground surrendering to god knows who.
"you lied", I yell into the sky feelings the tears roll down my face and snot form from my nose.
"you lied"
I began beating the ground harshly.
"you lied"
I beat the ground again.
"you lied"
and again.
"you lied, you lied, you lied"
I start gasping for my own breath in these moments, finally breaking after all this time.
The quite whispers spoke louder.
I began to stop talking yet no one noticed, no one cared.
I feel into the background and became invisible to all eyes.
I faded away yet I didn't seem to care, like the rest who I thought loved me.
"and I'll always hate you for that"
"no"
"I can't, I'll always hate myself for not seeing it"
I had never felt so alone, so scared in my life, yet here I am beating the ground in a cemetery...
alone,
and scared,
I've always have had front row seating to the others happy ever after, but unfortunately I was never made the same way for mine.
so yes,
This is it, this is where it all began,
and THIS is where it will all end
And I knew, from all the pages,
letters,
and even messages sent we were never going to have enough time.
My journey was forgiveness and healing and she gave that to me. Amara's and my story may be over but never forgotten from the many hearts she filled with joy.
forever and always my snow angel... Amara golds
all my love in the world cannot complete or show how much I truly loved and cared for her but I know I pushed to much, I tried to hard to force things on her. she was to pure, too wonderful for this life.
I tried. I wanted to live but the universe didn't want me to survive; so I drowned in it, like it wanted me to.
I died just as badly and as painful as when the flowers bloom and wither away.
The end