The dining table in our kitchen had not been used for dining in months.
We had not had a nice sit down dinner with everyone since Hope's passing, and if everyone were to come over, it was generally for takeout which was eaten on the living room floor as some sort of movie played in the background.
The dining table in the kitchen, however, was used to hold the newspapers and mail that flocked in daily and endlessly.
It was getting a bit ridiculous, and Lily was growing increasingly annoyed with the mess, but it would never end until Remus and I found jobs.
"We can support you," James always said. "You don't need to go to work."
But it would never sit right with me, or Remus for that matter, if we were to live off of James's gold.
So we subscribed to every newspaper and sorted through every job search ad.
But then Hope's death led us each into our own spiral.
And then things picked up with the Order.
And then we nearly broke up.
And then we were sent on a mission.
And then Theresa died.
And so the papers became an afterthought and they piled up along the dining table in the kitchen amongst the insurmountable supply of letters.
But, though she never explicitly said it, Lily was growing increasingly annoyed with the mess. So Remus and I decided to finally sort through the papers and put some real effort into finding jobs.
As soon as we began, however, I realized that the real reason we had been putting it off for so long was not because we were busy or grieving. It was because there were no decent jobs fit for a mermaid or a werewolf.
"Maybe I could apply to be a seer," I suggested jokingly. "I was really good at Divination."
Remus snorted from across the table, not looking up from his paper.
"You told me my tea leaves meant I would die before we graduated and then cried about it for two days."
"I was on my period, okay?"
"Gross!" Cried James, who was seated beside Remus and had offered to help. "Why do girls feel the need to talk about that stuff?"
"Jimmy, in the nicest way possible, you're literally a five-year-old."
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"What about an assassin?" Remus interjected. "They might actually like the fact that I'm a werewolf."
"I don't see why you don't just apply to be Aurors," James said, his eyes glazing emptily over his paper. My eyes lifted to meet Remus's across the table but neither of us spoke.
"They need someone to drive the Hogwarts Express," I said, shifting the topic.
"Can you drive a train?" James asked.
"No," I admitted. "But I could learn."
"Let's not endanger the children," Remus said with a small smile. I laughed a little and we all wordlessly fell back into our search.
Arithmancer... Definitely not. James showed me the shit they had to do in that class.
Bartender.... Maybe if I'm desperate.
I used my red marker to circle the Three Broomsticks ad.
Broadcaster... Yeah sure let's relive the war every morning from 6-10.
Chef... Remus could do that.
I circled it.
Gringott's desk job... Boring, but if it pays good...
I circled that too.
"Syd, have you looked at the Whinging Times yet?" James asked casually.
"No, why?"
Dragon feeder.. That's terrifying.
"What are your grandparent's names, again?"
I looked up and the world stopped moving.
I could feel James swap out our papers and I could feel my eyes fall to gaze at the words. But I couldn't see them. I wasn't reading the paper, I wasn't scanning the list of dead Muggles to find their names, Anna and Louis.
I was just thinking: They died.
They died and they still hated me.
And, for just a moment, the entire world stopped moving.
Remus and I Apparated back to Pennsylvania that afternoon. We landed in the freshly cut grass of my old backyard. My old backyard which looked exactly as I had left it: a broken swing set along the back fence, an inground pool with deflated tubes all around the edge, pool chairs scattered about the cement.
Except now, the screen door was open and swinging back and forth in the breeze.
"Do you think they're still in there?" I whispered.
"Probably not," Remus answered, but he squeezed my hand anyway. "Do you want me to check?"
I nodded and tried to push down the image of the two people who had shown me both love and loss lying dead on my old floor.
"Sydney?"
I turned at the sound, though I knew exactly which heart shaped face matched the softened voice. I held Remus's sliding hand tighter, wordlessly asking him to stay.
"Nell?" I asked.
Eleanor Vance stood no more than ten feet away from me with her blonde hair tucked carefully behind her ears. In her hands she held a cardboard box and all of the memories we had made growing up. From meeting in first grade, all the way to her walking away at the pool. Come to think of it, our exact positions felt a little too familiar.
"I- I read the papers," she said, her feet unmoving in the lawn. Her eyes flickered over to Remus for a moment before coming back to meet mine.
"Oh, um, this is Remus," I said, looking up to him as well. "My boyfriend."
Nellie smiled politely at him and then she laughed a small laugh.
"I guess you found a British boy after all," she said.
"Yeah," I smiled, looking back to Remus and squeezing his hand a little before dropping it. "I guess so."
"I'll go check inside," Remus said softly. "Okay?"
"Okay," I said, and I watched as he walked through the open door before I turned back to Nellie.
She took a few steps towards me and placed the empty box at our feet before clearing her throat slightly.
"I was gonna find some things of yours to send to you," she said, and then her voice fell a little quieter. "Though, I guess I wouldn't really know where to send them."
"We're living in Southwestern England," I said. "Remus and me and then a few of our friends bought a flat together."
"England, that's so cool," Nellie said with a small smile. "I can tell that you've been there a while. Your voice is different."
"Is it?" I asked with a grin. "That's a bit annoying. I've been trying to convince Remus that I'm not a Brit."
"Well, I think the old Syd would have used the word 'apartment' and said 'That I'm not British', so I guess you just self-incriminated."
The old Syd.
"Yeah, I guess I have."
"So, how long have you..." Nellie motioned to the house where Remus was.
"Been dating?" I asked, she nodded. "Nearly a year by now... We started dating officially in December."
"Oh wow," Nellie said.
"How are things here?" I asked. "How are Leila and Olympia?"
"They're good," she replied. "They miss you... We all miss you."
"Yeah?" I asked, a bit doubtfully.
"Of course," Nellie said. "Why wouldn't we?"
"I mean, ever since..." my eyes fell to the pool at our feet.
"Oh," said Nellie. "Oh, Syd... We don't care. I don't care."
"You don't?"
She shook her head sharply and pulled her hair over one shoulder, braiding it through her fingers and then pulling it apart as she often did when she was slightly nervous.
"You're still the same person you have been, right?" She said. "You were a mermaid the whole time, so it didn't make much of a difference."
I nodded slowly.
"Besides, I'm sure at your school being a mermaid is, like, normal, right?"
I laughed a little.
"No," I said. "Definitely not normal... I actually almost died because of it."
"What?!"
"Well it was Theo's fault."
"What??!"
I couldn't help but laugh as the awkward shell around Nellie and I chipped away and we fell back into our old, smooth ways.
"The short story is that he sacrificed me to the mermaids that live in the lake by our school... But it kind of pushed Remus and I closer together so I guess I can't complain."
"You got with Remus because you almost died?" Nellie asked with a small laugh.
"Well, more because of the truth serum... And this one prank.. But after I almost died it really sealed the deal."
Nellie started laughing again.
"You're going to have to go into wayy more detail than that," she said.
"Syd," called Remus from behind me, interrupting our stream of a reunion.
Nellie and I turned to face him and he smiled weakly.
"Uh, sorry," he said, nodding slightly at Nellie and then turning to face me. "But you should see this."
I nodded carefully, the reality of why I was standing in Pennsylvania and talking to Nellie settling back over me and washing away any of the giddiness I had been feeling.
"Um, it was good to see you," Nellie said with a small cough.
"Yeah," I said back. "Thank you... For the box."
"Yeah, of course," she said. Neither of us moved for a moment.
"I'll write you a letter with the full description of my time away, yeah?"
"Yeah," Nellie smiled brightly. "Yeah that's perfect. Same address."
I picked up the box and gave her half of a hug before starting backwards towards Remus.
"It might come by owl," I said with an amused grin. "Don't be alarmed."
"You magic people are weird as hell, Syd," she called back.
"We know," I laughed. She waved and I watched as she walked through the back fence before turning to face Remus, who was leaning against the doorway with a soft smile.
He reached out a hand to me, which I accepted as soon as I was in reach. Remus kissed the side of my head and his eyes poured sadly into mine.
"That's the one that showed you how to make the flower crowns?" He asked. I nodded.
"Nellie," I said, and I smiled a little before we took a step into the house and I was overwhelmed with nostalgic depression.
The door led into a mudroom, which seemed completely empty, inhabiting only three pairs of shoes rather than the normal dozens from both Theo and myself. There were four hooks along the side wall, now holding only one coat; a large windbreaker that my grandfather had gotten in college and worn well past his school years, much to my grandmother's dismay.
From there, Remus led me through the kitchen, which was interestingly neat. It reminded me nothing of the state that we had found Theresa's house in. It was actually quite the opposite.
The cushioned dining chairs were tucked neatly around the circle table, which held up a blue floral tablecloth as well as a bouquet of dying flowers. There were no dirty dishes along the island, instead, all of the cabinets seemed stocked and on the granite surface laid two photographs.
One was of Theo and I at age 8 with our arms and thrown around each other's shoulders and our big smiles and soccer uniforms drenched in mud. The other was of me atop my dad's shoulders with an ice cream cone that was far too large for my little hands.
I picked up the second frame and smiled, noticing the way that my dad's lips curled back in his grin and how his dimples poked in the same way that mine did.
I placed the picture carefully into Nellie's box and followed Remus back through the hall to where my grandparent's bedroom was. Along the way we passed the doors to mine and Theo's old rooms, which had been pulled tight. I wondered briefly if they had been altered since we left.
My grandparents did not have an overly large room. Their king sized bed was made tightly, the pale green covers pulled carefully under the mattress and their assortment of pillows laid in uniform along the bedframe.
When I was younger, Theo and I loved having pillow fights with the insane amount of cushions. And we would often end up in trouble for having ruined the made bed. But, our punishment was no more than our grandfather joining in on the fight, landing all three of us in charge of remaking the bed to my grandmother's standards.
Remus walked around the bed to the bureau on the opposite wall, which held up more photos and more dying flowers as well as a small box and a book. Remus picked up the latter two objects and carried them over to the bed where he placed them down and took a seat.
I followed suit and he placed the box in my hands. It was black and quite dusty, with sharp wood corners peeking through the tearing faux leather.
Inside was a compressed pile of old papers. I picked up the top one and placed the box down carefully beside me on the bed.
November 6, 1953
I knew my parents graduated in 1955, meaning these letters dated back to when my dad was no more than 16.
Hi Mom & Dad!
I've met a girl!
Well.. Technically I've known her since my first year here.. But we've only just become close. She's in Gryffindor too and now we have Divination together (that's kind of like fortune telling).
Anyways, I think you'd like her. Her name is Marina and she has the most beautiful laugh I've ever heard. She's so kind and smart and.. Well, I like her at least, so I think that counts for something.
If things go well I was thinking of bringing her home for winter break, if that's alright? I would really love for you both to meet her.
In less exciting news, I passed my potions exam and blah blah school stuff. I'll write again with updates on my Transfiguration results, I know Dad loves that sort of magic.
Thank you for the Halloween candy! It's just come in... A bit late but it's the thought that counts.
Love you both!
Louis
The rest of the letters were of a similar fashion.
Passed Transfiguration! ...
I've asked Marina to be my girlfriend...
Thank you for the birthday gifts! ...
Miss you both...
We'll be coming home in two weeks...
I think we're going to buy a house in London after graduation...
And then the letters stop. Somewhere around April, 1960.
I was about to ask Remus if we were missing any as I picked up the last letter, dated a month before my parents' death, but the first two lines answered my question.
June 29, 1964
Hi Mom & Dad,
It's been far too long, I know and I'm sorry.
I hope you'll finish this letter before making any sort of decision on your opinions of me... There truly is a lot you must know.
For starters, I'm doing well. I'm sure you have been worried beyond sick, especially you, Mom. Again, I'm so sorry.
I'm still with Marina, though I suppose that is precisely the reason for this letter.
You see, she is... unwell.
One thing you should know is that in addition to being a witch, Marina is a half-mermaid. I won't go into too much about the condition, but she has been living with it for all of her life. And now, I believe, she has passed it along to our daughter.
That is another shock, I'm sure. I have a four year old daughter!
She is so perfect. I wish every day that you would know her. She is so full of life and love and every trait of mine and Marina's that I could hope to pass on to her. She loves the stars and she can't pronounce the word 'ravioli' and she always dresses herself up in my shirts and shoes and carries around a notepad saying "I'm off to work, Daddy!"
And I have a son, too. He is not biologically mine, but I love him the same.
He loves watching football games with me - I've converted him to a Patriot's fan, Dad, don't worry. And I've started teaching him to play baseball as well, he's got quite the arm. And he and his sister are learning to read now, so they've begun shouting various words as they see them. I'm convinced they've just memorized certain things, though, because he continues to read "Pixie Puffs" as "Puff Puffs" off the cereal box each morning.
I'm not writing this in hopes to pick back up as a pen-pal or a distant relative. I want to see you. I want you to meet my children.
As I said, Marina is not doing well. I believe that her community of merpeople have been calling to her and I think she wants to find them again. I don't think it's safe for my kids.
I'm coming home, Mom and Dad. I need to come home with my children.
I hope you'll have me.
Love you both,
Louis
A drop of water landed over the name and seeped through the yellowing parchment, blurring the old ink.
Remus reached out and wiped my cheek with his thumb.
"They didn't know about us," I said quietly. "They didn't even know our names."
Remus picked up my hand and began tracing small circles around my palm.
"No wonder they hated my mom," I said. "No wonder they hated me."
"They didn't hate you," Remus said carefully. He slid the paper from my hand and placed it back in the small black box before picking up the book and pushing it into my hands.
It was a journal, written in my grandmother's handwriting and dated a week after my father's last letter.
July 7, 1964,
I have no idea what to think.
Louis has written again. Just like I've always wanted.
But, he has a whole new life. He has two children, a girl and a boy, and his wife, Marina, he says she is unwell.
I remember her fondly, Marina. She was always so polite and so affectionate towards Louis. I believed it strange when he suddenly picked up and moved across the country, but I never thought to blame her. Not until the letters stopped.
I haven't heard from him in years. In, well, four years. I suppose since his children have been alive.
I have grandkids! That feels so odd to say.
He says he is coming home with them. He's finally coming home.
I don't know if Marina will be with him, but he will be home, and that's all that matters.
Following the first entry, my grandmother wrote of cleaning and grocery shopping and searching for presents for Theo and I. She wrote of preparing my father a room as well as one for Theo and I to share. She wrote about setting up a TV and how my grandfather built us a bookshelf.
And then she wrote about the fact that we never arrived. She wrote about her fears that it was all a lie, all some sort of cruel joke.
And then she wrote about receiving the news that my parents had died.
And she wrote about panicking and buying useless parenting books and altering my father's room into one for Theo instead.
She wrote about buying books on mermaids, too, and how she was terrified that I would have to endure what my mother did. And how it was nearly impossible for my mother to have died on a boat.
And she wrote about when Theo and I arrived, and how we refused to tell her our names, saying they were only for the two of us and Mom and Dad to know. And she wrote about how it took weeks and weeks before she and my grandfather gave up and began calling us Sydney and Theodore.
And she wrote about how much it hurt to be so happy.
I skimmed the pages, resolving to finish through all of them at another time, but there was one entry dated on my birthday, and I couldn't help but read through it before I closed the book.
April 24, 1965
It was Sydney's birthday today. I never expected a brand new five year old to spend the day reading on the front porch, but here we are.
She woke up bright and early, as Lou and I expected, but she hardly said a word to us when she passed through the kitchen with a book tucked under her arm. She merely grabbed an apple and waved as she walked through the door.
Lou and I followed her out to find that she had already situated herself on the top step and flipped open her book. When Lou sat beside her and asked what she wanted to do today, all she said was "Don't worry, Papa, Daddy will be here to get me soon. We're going to the beach!" And my heart dropped.
We tried to explain that he wasn't coming, that he couldn't take her to the beach, but she started to get frustrated and eventually Theo came out and said that he would wait with her, so Louis and I went back inside.
Around noontime, we brought them both sandwiches and tried once more to coax them inside for some presents. Lou even offered to take her to the beach himself, but she refused.
When the night fell, I could tell she was growing impatient. She came back inside and kept asking why he was so late. I tried explaining again, but she didn't believe me when I told her that Louis wasn't coming to pick her up. Instead she shoved her plate of dinner back at me and marched to the backyard.
That's where she is now. She's laying in the grass with her hands folded over her stomach and she's watching the stars. Lou just brought out one of Louis's old sweatshirts to keep her warm, which she seemed to love, but she won't let anyone stay out there with her, not even Theo.
This is proving much harder than I thought. Especially considering she looks exactly the way her father did at that age.
I slid the book shut and stared at the smooth blue cover for a moment.
"She didn't hate me," I said quietly. Remus tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and I looked up to find him smiling softly.
"No," he said. "She didn't hate you."
I tucked the book and the letters into Nellie's box and stood up from the bed.
"I guess we should go through the rest of the house," I said, holding out a hand to Remus. He took it and we walked back out of my grandparent's room.
The door directly beside theirs led into Theo's room, which was entirely vacant and had been since he left last summer. The dark blue walls were free of his football posters and the grey carpet was no longer home to his clothes piles and stacks of random things.
There was no trace of our midnight sleepovers. There was no trace of the hole from when he tried to play indoor baseball. There was no trace of the racecar blankets that my grandparents refused to let him replace and that I refused to stop teasing him about. There was no trace of him at all.
All that remained was a stripped bed and an empty closet. And when I closed the door, that was how I would choose to remember it.
Across the hall, my room seemed untouched as well.
I did not leave my room empty, though I believed I'd never be returning once I agreed to attend Hogwarts.
I left behind a few photos, decorations, and clothes. All things that wouldn't fit in my bags or that I deemed unimportant.
They all seemed even less important now.
The framed and completely still photos of Theo and I may as well have been trash. The volleyball awards were meaningless. The clothes had been replaced.
Resting atop my unmade bed was a poster-sized photo of me with Nellie, Olympia, and Leila. We were each holding a paper plate with the superlatives that we gave each other. Mine read "Most Likely to Have a Weird Allergy".
I laughed a little and rolled up the picture, throwing it into the box.
Remus and I worked through the rest of the house, picking up notable items like jewelry, photo albums, and small objects with some sort of meaning to me.
"Ready to go?" Remus asked as we stood back in the empty mud room.
I looked around at the three pairs of shoes and the three empty hooks. I looked into the cardboard box filled with photos and letters and memories.
I grabbed my grandfather's coat from it's hook and threw it into the box as well, leaving all four vacant.
"Yeah," I said, picking up Remus's hand. "I'm ready."
And we snapped away from that small house in Pennsylvania and I didn't feel sad or angry or empty.
I felt okay, because I had closure.
I felt okay, because they never hated me after all.
_______
A/N
see! death but not terribly sad!
i have happy things planned now so yay
song: in my veins - andrew belle
how it applies: like her grandparents are her blood yk and they died yk and like.. sad.. but also bc she's okay w it now and they're part of her and most important shes okay woo
(ps: y'all like the paint pallet at the beginning? hehe it felt fitting bc it wasn't technically a painting like how this wasn't like extremely sad)