Our class is almost starting and I don't feel anything except for the loud thump of my heart as I took my step inside the university. Sobrang laki. Doble ang laki ng unibersidad na napasukan ko kaysa sa paaralan ko noong high school.
Nakasuot ako ng sibilyan kaya kitang-kita ko ang kalakihan ng agwat ng katayuan ko sa buhay sa ibang mga estudyanteng naririto. They are all wearing high fashioned outfits, so far from the worn jeans and a simple shirt that I have.
I gave a soft sigh since I don't need to point it all out. I do not need to compare myself to them since we are all equal in here. Iilang hakbang ang ginawa ko habang pinagsasawa ang mata sa paligid.
A wide field can be seen from here. Dahil unang araw ng pasukan, maraming mga estudyante ang naroon. I wonder if I will have friends in here. Nakakapanibago lang dahil sa nasanay ako roon sa probinsya. The structures are way different here from our school on province.
Loud crisps of the pebbles started to sound when I finally take a step on it. Hindi kalayuan ang room na papasukan ko rito. Jaeden's parents enrolled me here. Sinamahan nila ako upang kahit papaano ay maging pamilyar sa aking papasukan.
I find it sweet since they look like they are fond of me. Naisip ko tuloy na baka dahil sa nagandahan sila sa gawa ko kaya ganoon ang trato nila sa akin, lalo na ang Papa ni Jaeden.
I miss my home and I need to divert my attention anywhere so that I won't live my life here missing the life I've been used to. Mahirap dahil baguhan pero kinakaya.
Marami na ang mga estudyanteng nasa loob ng room at ang tanging natirang bakanteng pwesto ay sa unahan. I gave a quick glance, finding a seat at the back so that I can fit myself in there, but it was full. Wala akong naging choice kundi ang maupo nga sa unahan, sa tapat mismo ng mesa ng magiging guro namin.
I feel awkward knowing that I have no one to talk to. Knowing these city people, I don't think I can blend with them.
Nag-vibrate ang phone na nasa bulsa ko. A sign of message so I pulled it and opened, reading a message from Jaeden.
Good luck on your first day. Text me if you're home already.
Sumakit bigla ang tiyan ko hindi dahil sa text, kundi dahil sa patuloy na kaba.
Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ako nasasanay sa biglaan niyang pag-text sa akin. He gave me his old phone so that he can communicate with me, to tell my parents that I am doing okay. Tinuruan niya ako kung paano gumamit and I find it weird to own his phone.
Tinanggap ko kasi mukhang kailangan naman talaga. I don't want to argue with him since I know that he's being concern knowing that there is a huge possibility of needing it.
Mula kaninang umaga ay siya na ang nag-text sa akin. He greeted me a 'good morning' and I gave the same message. Umuwi ito sa probinsya at magte-text na lang sa akin kapag papunta siya rito.
Of course, that would be at the end of the month. Wala naman siyang ginagawa roon kaya bakit pa siya babalik kung pwede naman siyang manatili sa magulang niya?
May problema ba siya sa kanila at ayaw niyang manatili kasama sila?
Hindi ko na na-replyan pa iyon dahil sa dumating ang guro namin. I hid it normally and started focusing on what she's discussing. Nangangapa pa ako dahil sa hindi nakasanayang mga gawi. I am quiet the whole time to have a chance to sink it inside my mind.
Kabado ako mula kanina. I can't point what really matters as of now. Nabuhayan lang yata ako ng loob nang natapos na ang klase. It left a hole inside me, enabling me to breath for a little while.
Sakto namang napatawag si Jaeden sa akin. I have nothing to do with this phone aside from answering his texts and calls. Iyong number lang naman niya ang nakaregister dito.
"Hello," I answered as I am preparing for the next class. Narinig ko ang pagtikhim nito sa kabilang linya.
"How are you doing? Do you still have class?"
I bit my lip. I wrinkled my nose because he asked me in a soft way.
"Oo. Mamaya pa matatapos. Bakit?"
"Monitoring you." And for the first time today, I managed to laugh. Parang ilang taon yata akong hindi nakatawa dahil doon.
Grabe, wala bang tiwala ito sa akin? First day pa lang, ah? Tingin niya ba magbubulakbol ako rito? Kahit nga kagabi ay puro text ang ginawa niya sa akin na baka gumagala raw ako rito kahit hindi ko naman kabisado ang lugar.
"Wow, wala kang tiwala sa akin? Kahit na tumawag ka at gumagala ako, hindi mo naman malalaman ang katotohanan." Pointing out that he's not seeing me.
"You're not somewhere, right?" He ignored what I said. Napakamot ako sa ulo dahil sa tinding kaseryosohan nito.
"Bakit? Tingin mo ba kaya kong gumala rito?"
"I was just concern. Anyway, I'll pick you up the day before at the end of month. Pupunta rin ako kina Papa para bisitahin sila and to monitor you there sometimes," he said as I widened my eyes.
And advanced naman masyado? Sobrang excited ba itong bumyahe ng ilang oras para lang masundo ako? Nakakapagod kaya iyon.
"Okay, sir. Pasok na ako next subject. Ingat." Hindi na siya sumagot sa akin saka pinatay na lang ang tawag.
Paulit-ulit na nangyari iyon sa halos ilang araw. And days after the opening of school, I felt the familiarity on some places that I want to explore. Ang kaso, hanggang tingin lang ang nagagawa ko roon kasi hindi ko kayang makipagsabayan sa mga tao.
I still feel scared, nervous and concern about Jaeden. Walang araw yatang hindi niya ako kinukumusta. Hindi nauubusan ng load kaya ang laman ng messages ko, puro pangalan niya.
His parents are sometimes going to the dorm where I am staying. Sila rin ang nag-offer sa akin no'n kaya tinanggap ko na lang din. They are the good people that keeps on helping me on my life. Nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng tulong na kanilang ginagawa.
Tuwing weekend lang ako lumalabas ng dorm o 'di kaya ay kapag nakatyamba ng libreng araw. I would use my time to go to the plaza and try selling my newly painted paintings for a small source of income and for my allowance. I also offer a quick painting of landscapes for my desired price which gave me a big help.
Sa unti-unti kong paggawa no'n ay halos nakakasanayan ko na rin ang bawat galaw. I am somehow feeling the goodness of life here in the city. Nakakaipon naman ako ng pwedeng pandagdag sa allowance.
"You're painting, huh?" He asked me one time when he got a chance to video call me. Nasa plaza ako at nagpipinta pa rin nang tumawag siya.
I am wearing the old cardigan again and my usual skirt. Nakaharap sa akin ang kanyang phone kung kaya't kitang-kita niya ang mukha ko. Nasa probinsya siya at tingin ko ay nasa labas ng kanyang bahay. He's having his afternoon coffee.
"Uy, pandagdag ng allowance ko 'to. I want to earn something here while studying. Wala naman akong problema sa mga ipapasa sa eskwelahan kaya huwag kang kabahan, ha?" Ngumisi ako sa kanya pero humigop lang siya sa kanyang kape.
I stopped applying colors for a second and looked at him. I tucked other strands of my hair as I saw him looking at me the same way. He pointed his finger at me, letting me know of something.
"You have a paint beside your lip. Did you notice that?" puna niya. Mas inilapit ko ang mukha sa phone saka doon tinignan ang sarili.
Maiilang ako kapag sa personal ko iyon ginawa. Buti na lang dahil sa video call, nagkakaroon ako ng tapang.
If I am facing him this close in flesh, the distance between our face will be closed.
Inalis ko iyon gamit ang pang-itaas na suot habang nasa harap niya. He did nothing but to give me his full attention.
Kulay kahel na pintura iyon. I don't know how long that paint came on the side of my lip. Siya pa ang nakapansin.
"Thanks for reminding. Nandyan ba sina mama?" tanong ko nang natanggal na ng tuluyan.
"They are doing okay and I told them about your situation there. Huwag ka raw mag-alala sa kanila. What they want you to do is to study hard there."
I mixed the colors again as the paintbrush gave justice to my desired color. Napahinga ako ng malalim dahil sa iba iyong nakakagawian ko ngayon.
Tuwing hapon dati ay sila ang nadadatnan ko. I would always help them with anything inside the house but now, I only have myself at the end of the day. Bukod kay Jaeden ay wala akong ibang nakakausap. I am still treasuring my new life here though.
"You know how much I love my parents right? Tingin mo ba, maganda ang desisyong ginawa ko na tanggapin ang scholar ng magulang mo at mag-aral dito?" I asked out of the blue. Patuloy ang kamay ko sa pagpinta.
"There's nothing wrong about choosing the scholarship. You are dreaming of finishing your studies so I will say that wherever you are now, it was the good decision you made. There's nothing to regret," he answered me and I went back facing him.
I was expecting that he's smiling when he says that but I was greeted with the opposite one. Napasimangot ako nang malamang ang seryoso pa rin ng mukha.
Ano pa bang i-expect ko kay Jaeden? Smiling is not on his vocabulary. Hindi niya alam kung paano gawin iyon. He's got no talent on that.
"Tama ka. Nami-miss ko na nga sila, eh."
"That's normal of being away to your parents. Masasanay ka rin dyan kapag nagtagal," he told me, lifting me up so that I won't be sad anymore.
Masyado siyang seryoso kung kaya't pati sa mga kapatid ay nagagawa niyang maging totoo. He's the oldest of them all and acting like the second father of their family. At that point, I know that in the future, though I am not wishing for him to become a young father, he can be a good image of being a father to his children.
Ano kayang itsura ng magiging anak niya? Magmamana rin kaya sa kanya?
"Hindi ako katulad mo 'no. Ang hirap gawin no'n kasi sanay akong nasa kanila."
"Then try. You won't know if you keep on thinking about them. Just think why you are there, why you chose that decision for yourself."
"Okay, sir. You've said enough for today. Tatapusin ko na muna 'to. Uuwi ako kaagad sa dorm," sabi ko habang ginagawan ng final touch ang painting. I heard the sound of his cup, indicating that he's finish with his coffee.
Iyong tingin ko ay nasa ginagawa na, pinapabayaan na siya roon.
"Are you painting someone's face? Or is it still the nature?"
"Still nature. Pero ngayon ay iyong city naman ang pinipinta ko. You know, changing routes," pagbibiro ko. "Hindi pa rin naman ako sanay sa pagpipinta ng ibang tao. Iyong mukha mo pa lang so far ang success sa akin."
Natahimik siya. I continued applying paints on the canvas, didn't try looking at him at that moment.
He started clearing his throat and not saying anything after what I've just told him. Natapos na ako sa ginagawa nang sinubukan kong ibalik lang doon ang tingin.
He is now on a silent mode, silenced by my revelation of truth to him. Totoo namang hindi pa ako nakakagawa ng ganoon dito. Still, I don't want to make everything fast that will result to my failure. Dadahan-dahanin ko na muna ang kakayahan doon. I am still honing my skills on it.
"That is... an honor." I raised my brow when he said it. Napakrus ako ng braso ng wala sa oras saka binigyan siya ng mapanuring tingin.
"An honor? Do you see myself being a successful painter in the future, sir? O 'di kaya ay may-ari ng isang art gallery o museum na ang laman ay iyong mga gawa ko?" I said it with a slight laugh. "I am an ordinary student so it is not an honor."
He licked his lips and crossed his arms also. Napasandal ito sa upuan niya at nanatiling nakatingin sa akin, hinahamon ang tinanong ko sa kanya.
It's getting darker there now, same as here. Kahit na ganoon ay hindi pa rin siya pumapasok sa loob ng kanyang bahay. The door of his house is opening widely. It makes a creepy sound that he just ignored.
"You're a painter and you can only paint my face when it comes to that subject. Hindi ba't isang karangalan iyon? Na nag-iisa lang ako?"
"Hindi pa naman ako successful. Just say that you are honored with me painting your face when you already see me being successful in the future, sir. Sumusubok pa lang ako ngayon," tugon ko na ikinailing lang niya.
"I choose righfully the words I am saying, Diana. When I say I am honored, I am truly honored. Kaya kung ipinta mo ulit ang mukha ko nang nakatitig sa akin ng diretso, I will be much honored."
Naramdaman ko ang sariling na-flattered kahit papaano roon. The way he said that was so sincere, make my heart jump from inside. Iba pala kapag nagpupuri si Jaeden. You'll feel flattered in an instant.
Sumubok din ang tingin ko sa kanya. I remember what he told about his brothers, kung gaano kalutong ang pagsabi niya ng salitang ganoon sa kanila.
"Like how you called your brothers a dumbass? Really, sir? That's how you choose rightfully your words?"
Tumikhim ito.
"I am frustrated at them that time. Well, sometimes they're like dumbass. Dominique's the exception."