—CATALINA—
After a quick shower and a reapplication of my makeup, I headed downstairs to try and find the dining room. While Sasha gave me the tour, I didn't pay attention very much and now I was paying for it.
I stumbled around the halls, confused now that the staff had gone from a dozen to zero in just a few hours. Where was everyone?
Wandering aimlessly down one of the many halls, I found myself standing in front of a door that was slightly cracked open. Curious, I pushed it further and peered inside, eyeing the contents inside.
It seemed like a personal library, one with dozens of shelves and books vast enough to fill my entire room and then some. A wooden ladder was stationed at the end of one of the bookshelves, and I simply watched it all with widened eyes.
It had been so long since I've stepped inside of a library. Surrounded by the smell of books and the feeling of comfort. Everything screamed familiar to me.
"Are we eating in the library?" A voice asked from behind and I reacted by holding my breath, turning around and looking up at Reece who was dressed down in simple slacks and a button down.
My back was pressed against the wall beside the door as we continued our staring contest, seeing who would break first. Reece did when he followed up his question with another.
"You seem fascinated," He commented, gazing at my expression. I'm usually keen on being passive, not allowing anyone to read my face but something about the entirety of his house feels so familiar. So in reach. Almost like I know this place and I've been here before.
"Books fascinate me." I responded simply, not giving anything away.
"You were an advent reader back in high school and I assume your bookshelf back at your fathers house is filled equally to the brim yet you look as though it's been forever since you've seen one in front of you. Held one in your hands."
"Is this a get-to-know-me seminar? You didn't find enough in my file so you wanna dig more?"
"It's a curiosity seminar. Because I'm starting to think that my assumptions about you may have been wrong."
"I'm glad you could come to such a conclusion," I smiled sarcastically at him. "We've lived different lives, Reece. I never had the luxury of being a man. Maybe if I was, I wouldn't be forced into a marriage I don't want."
Reece looks conflicted, opening his mouth to reply when someone speaks up from down the hall.
"Mr. Choi, are you stuck in the library again? Dinner is ready, come before it gets cold."
"Cat—"
"I'm hungry." I interrupt, stepping to the side so Reece wouldn't be directly looming over me anymore. I start walking after the kind lady, catching up to her with a quick glance over my shoulder to see Reece, his body positioned the same but face turned in my direction with an incredulous look on his face.
♕ ♕ ♕
Reece had beaten me to the dining room since I decided to take a pitstop at the kitchen, going to one of the cooks that was busy cleaning the counters down.
"Excuse me," I say politely, tucking hair behind my ear when they stop and look over at me with a kind expression. She was an older lady, Amara I believe her name was, and she waited for me to talk with a motherly aura.
"Miss. Catalina, is it?" She asked and I nodded my head, nervously fiddling my hands together. This was a hard topic for me to talk about, and I didn't want it to be spread around for everyone including Reece to know.
"I just had a small accommodation I needed in terms of beverages. Would it be okay if I wasn't given any alcohol during any of my meals? I'm okay with it being used to cook, I just meant that..."
My father was an alcoholic. And maybe it was one of the reasons why I became addicted to drugs so easily all those years back, but I was sober for five years now and I wouldn't risk it by having it with every meal every day.
I had the strength to have it some of the time but alcohol would not be the reason I spiral again.
She straightened out, sensing my anxiety by the way I kept avoiding her eyes and softly says, "Yes, of course. Don't even worry about it, my dear. I'll make sure water and juice are put out for you instead."
"Thank you," I let out a breath of relief, sending her a small smile before it dropping as I made my way back out to where Reece was.
He was already seated, already served with a plate of food in front of him and I could see that he hadn't taken a bite yet. Holding my head high, I sat in the seat across from him and made the action to slide my plate over when a hand on top of mine stopped me.
"What are you doing?" He asked and I shook his hand off, not used to being touched without knowing it was going to happen. Reece retracted his hand but kept his question eyes on me, waiting.
"I'm eating. What does it look like?"
"Why aren't you sitting beside me?"
"Should I be?"
The question hung in the air and he let out a small sigh, nodding and letting me settle into the seat across from him. He waited until I started eating to do so himself, sipping the glass of water that was beside his plate every so often.
"You're being unusually quiet." Reece commented after a few minutes of awkward eating went by. I only looked up at him partially, shrugging my shoulders and pivoted my attention back to my food.
"Catalina."
"What?" I asked in exasperation. "What do you want from me, Reece? What the fuck is it?"
"I don't know what I did to make you so upset at me."
"Really?" I asked, tilting my head at him. "You didn't think that this marriage could be one of the reasons why I can't stand to look at you—much less be in your presence right now without wanting to rip your fucking head off?"
He scowled at me, no longer eating. "I'm doing this for your benefit too."
"I don't need shit from you. I don't need you to do anything for me. I've been just fine on my own."
"Oh yeah?" He laughs in a low tone, putting down his utensils. "And how was that going for you? Your father used you to do his dirty work, fails to mention your very existence outside of his pristine brick walls, and then sold you off to his competitor for a quick buck. Just how fine were you, Catalina?"
I lost my appetite, sliding my plate away from myself before standing up. My hands slammed down on the table as I bent my head low so I was inches away from him.
"What? Just because you gave me my own room, a bodyguard, and some clothes you thought I'd be grateful to you? You thought I'd forget all about how you went behind my back and twisted up this stupid fucking plan even when I explicitly told you no? You thought I'd be happy doing something my father forced me into yet again?"
He didn't see it. Nobody ever fucking saw it. It didn't matter how much better this environment was from my old home—in my eyes everything was exactly the same. I had to be indebted to someone else because they gave me the bare minimum. Forced to do something I never wanted to do. Pushed to be somewhere I don't want. I never had a choice. I was never given the option of one.
I shook my head, glaring down at him. "I don't need you to recall how shitty my fucking life is, Reece. I'm living it. I know that it's shitty. What? You expected a 'thank you' or something? Well fuck you and fuck this marriage. I didn't need you before and I don't need you now."
I pushed the chair away as I stormed back to my room, anger burning at my fingertips. I needed to punch someone, something. I needed to feel some type of pain. Have it controlled and directed. I was too upset to think of finding the gym, rifling through the pockets on my clothes and pulling out the shiny, gold zippo in front of my eyes.
I fell to my knees right there in my closet, my hands shaking as I flicked open the lid and watched the flame dance right in front of my eyes. It had been so long since I've done this and the feeling akin to addiction had me tearing off my pants, knees bent as I brought the zippo to my inner thigh.
My free hand gripped the leg that was currently under fire, my teeth gritting closed as I held it there for a few seconds. Everything I felt—all the anger and hurt and wrath directed its attention to that very spot. And when I flicked the lighter shut, my head resting back against the wall with my eyes shut and arms limp on either side of my body, I let out a small breath of air and remained content in the feeling that reminded me of a good high.
It was a savory feeling that was different from drugs. More sweet than bitter. And the relapse was quickly becoming something I knew would turn obsolete.
♕ ♕ ♕
I stayed in my room for the rest of the day, pacing back and forth with my hands balled into fists on either side of me. Today was hard for me as a recovering addict because the thought of scavenging through the medicine cabinets downstairs was rotting in my mind.
It never got easy. It just got more bearable.
I rubbed a hand down my face, scratched my arms raw from nervousness until I finally came to the conclusion that it was this house that was setting me off. I was still dressed down, running into my closet and pulling on a change of clothes along with some new mid-calf black heeled boots I found, gathering my hair in a fist and securing it with a ponytail.
Cracking my door opened, I peered out and came face to face with Jase, who gazed down at me with his tall height wearing an amused smile.
"Miss Catalina," He called out, eyeing my dressed self. "Going somewhere?"
"What are the chances that you'll let me leave this house by myself."
He smiled wider, holding back a laugh. "Zero percent."
"What are the chances that you'll let me go if I can beat your ass?"
He raised his eyebrows, a hand coming up to rub at his mouth smothering a few chuckles. "That depends," He entertained my proposition. "Will I get a fair chance?"
That had me opening the door wider, pointing a finger at his chest. "Are you insinuating that I'll cheat, Jase?"
"I'm insinuating that you love your knives, Catalina. I can bet that you sleep with one under your pillow like a stuffed animal."
"Fair," That has me smiling, feelings of wanting to get high dispersing. Jase's eyes flickered to my arm scratched raw and his expression morphed into concern. I folded them behind my back out of his sight and when I looked back up at him, he was staring intensely at my face.
"Do I have something there? I never got to finish dinner."
"You're wearing makeup again." He comments, like he's thinking back to when he first picked me up.
"I just wanted to look pretty for you," I deflect and my joke doesn't do the job of reducing the look on his face. "So, wanna get out of here?"
I crack my door wider so he can come in, going into my closet and shrugging on a thin hoodie.
"And go where?"
"You're my bodyguard, right? I guess that means we can go anywhere."
We end up driving over to one of my favourite spots when I used to get so restless over the need for a fix, a small park with a bridge that looms over water. Jase walks beside me as we get to the end of it, climbing on top of the rock so I can sit and loom over the water. Jase sits beside me and I let out a much needed sigh, gazing down at the calm water below.
Rarely anybody comes here which makes it perfect. I discovered it back when I was facing withdrawals five years back, staying here for hours just watching the water pass me by as I thought for hours upon hours. I had less restrictions on me back then, was more free to go out without supervision or an eye on my back everywhere I went.
"Did you know that Reece and I knew each other back in high school?" I ask Jase, stretching out my legs in front of me. I shrug out of my zip up, placing it beside me wanting to feel the cool breeze.
"I did. He told me briefly about your friendship."
"Friendship," I laugh to myself, picking up a small pebble and turning it around in my hand. "We hated each other all of high school up until the summer before senior year. He would berate me all the time about scoring a few marks higher on a test, or doing better on a project. Sometimes, he would wait out in the library the times he knew I was studying and would sit across from me annoying me the entire time."
"What changed?"
I turn to look at him. "Why do you think anything changed?"
He looks back at me with a knowing look. "I know he didn't seek you out to marry because he knew you once from high school. I've know Reece since the time he took over for his fathers company and the way he looked when he found out about you wasn't just hate."
"Wow, Jase." I smiled at him. "You should've been a detective instead. Reece is underpaying you for your services."
"You should work on your deflection better. You do a poor job of trying to change the subject."
I faced forward again, throwing the pebble into the river. It made a small splash in the water, erupting the silence that was once soothing and disrupting the surface.
"We found common ground that summer. We would hang out all the time, study together, just do teenager things. And then I disappeared for seven years without a goodbye. So I don't know what you assume Reece looked like, Jase, but if it wasn't hate then it was just grief for an old friend."
Jase is silent for a few seconds and I allow myself to pull my knees to my chest and rest my cheek on top so my head is facing his way. He looks relaxed against the hard rocks, hair breezing against the wind and a pretty gun stationed at his hip.
"You're opening up to me."
"You seem confused. Shouldn't this be a good thing?"
He shakes his head, picking up a rock beside him and also throwing it in the river.
"You're only saying things that seem like new information. But I already know everything you just told me and it seems like you knew that as well. You might think that every action, every word out of your mouth is reported back to Reece but that isn't true, Catalina. Everything you tell me in confidence stays between us."
"What? Like a therapist?"
"No," He drawls, rolling another rock between his fingers. "Like a friend."
I hold my breath at that, curling my hands into fists as my nails dig into the palm of my hand. "You wanna be my friend?"
"I think it could be mutually beneficial, don't you? I'm already going to be around you twenty-four-seven. Think of it this way; you have permission to kick my ass when we train together."
"I was already going to do that with or without your permission."
"I know," He smiles, setting a hand on his bent knee. "But you have my permission now."
I look away from him, his gaze too intense. "I don't have many friends." I swallow roughly, feeling my chest ache. "So if I suck at this, don't blame me."
"Alright," I can hear his smile now. "I won't."
Voices interrupt our little peace treaty and we both look up at Reece, followed by two bodyguards of his own, trekking his way over to us. At the sight of us on the rock he says something to his bodyguards making them stop walking, Reece going the rest of the way.
"Catalina," He almost yells out and I let out a sigh, going to stand up as he makes his way over here. Jase does the same beside me, brushing off his pants but his easy going smile transforms into a stoic expression.
"Mr. Choi," Jase greets him with a nod to which Reece gives him a long, hard look.
"I know Catalina must have dragged you down here so I won't get upset at you, Jase. Thank you for looking out for her and staying with her. But would it kill you to send me a quick text about the whereabouts of my fiancé?"
Jase frowns, patting his pocket which I know is empty of his cell. At the feel of nothing, he turns to me and gives me a look making me grin wide.
Reece notices this small exchange and rubs a hand down his face in exhaustion.
"Jase, would you mind giving us a few moments to talk?"
He nods, leaving before I can open my mouth and beg him to stay. I don't feel like staying in his presence right now, much less having a conversation which I know will end up with him yelling at me.
I turn to Reece, giving him a look.
"What? Am I not allowed to go out or something? Are you keeping me locked in your house too?"
"No," He hisses, stepping forward. "You can do whatever the fuck you want. But not when I'm not able to reach you or when I have absolutely no clue where you're going."
"You reached me just fine today."
"That's because I had to search for the metadata on Jase's phone—which you conveniently turned off—to find out your last known location. What if something bad happens to you and I can't reach you in time? How will I know you're okay?"
"I can take care of myself just fine. And I have Jase."
That seemed like the wrong thing to say when he threw up his hands. "He's your bodyguard! I'm going to be your fucking husband!"
"Yeah?" I shout back, getting in his face. "Well he's my fucking friend. Maybe you should try being that first before throwing around your weight and demanding me to do fuck all for you!"
I turn to leave, sick of this conversation when he grabs onto my wrist, pulling me back. But strangely, he doesn't say anything. He just stays silent. And when my eyes look down, trying to see where he's looking I falter and go quiet.
He's staring at my arm.
•••