I shot awake with a sharp intake of air, like I had been startled by something.
I'm just like her.
Or, maybe, because I had been startled by something.
"Shh," Remus whispered, his fingertips brushing down the side of my face. "You're okay."
I sank into him, letting off the breath I had inhaled so harshly, letting off the panic from when I had woken up, letting off the image of that room.
But I couldn't let off the feeling of Theresa's hand slipping through mine. I couldn't let off the way she dropped to the floor like a rock. I couldn't let off the look in her eyes, brown like chocolate and wide like saucers, when she trusted me to get her out of that room.
She'll never get out of that room.
She'll never get out of that room because of me.
"I killed her," I said, my voice hardly cracking a whisper. "It's my fault."
Remus's thumb stopped moving across my face and I could almost picture the way his eyebrows would knit together with only creases of a frown in between. I could almost picture the way the corners of his mouth would push slightly tighter and then down. I could almost feel his heartbeat skip.
"Who?" He asked quietly.
"Theresa... The Muggle from that house."
Remus took a slow breath before carefully sliding upwards and taking me with him.
In one hand, his fingers slid through my own and I could feel the cold metal from his pinky ring brush between my fingers.
It felt a lot like the cold metal from Theresa's engagement ring.
It was likely early afternoon now, considering the fact that even with the curtains pulled tightly, muffled golden light washed over the tan walls of our room, washed over Remus.
I wished the light would wash over me, too.
Remus's honeyed eyes dove into mine as if searching for what to say, as if searching for how I felt, as if searching for why my gaze fell to stare so intently at our interlocked fingers.
With his free hand, Remus lifted my cheek back to face him. I rested my head in his palm and a small tear slipped away and trailed down my skin until it connected with his.
"It's not your fault," he said.
"I screamed," I replied. "When Theo used the Cruciatus Curse on you... And that Death Eater turned around and killed her."
"Snape," Remus said quietly.
"What?"
"The Death Eater," he clarified. "The one that killed that Muggle... Theresa... It was Snape."
I lifted my head up slightly and Remus's hand slid down so that his fingers rested carefully around my jawline.
"Snape did this?"
Remus nodded and I felt as though my heart had turned solid and plummeted through my stomach.
Somehow knowing the killer personally made things so much worse.
"And they all got away," I said quietly.
"We'll find them again," Remus insisted. I shook my head.
"No," I said.
"No?"
"I don't want to go on missions anymore... I don't want anyone else to die because of me."
"Syd, you did not do this," Remus promised. I shook my head again.
"But it was my fault," I said. "I.. I'm just like her."
Remus's hand fell away from my face and I felt like all of the life inside of me fell away with it. It felt like he had dragged away all of the promises, all of the words, all of the love.
It felt like how Theresa's hand fell through my own.
But then he brushed aside a piece of my hair and wrapped his hand over the one that he was already holding, enveloping my hand in his and promising to stay.
He's not going anywhere, I reminded myself.
Sometimes it was hard to remember.
"Your mum?" He asked quietly.
I nodded and looked down at our hands.
He's not going anywhere.
"You aren't like her," Remus said.
"But how do you know that?"
"Because," he said simply. "You're like him."
"Him?"
"Your dad," he clarified. "You're just like Louis. You only look like Marina... But even then, you don't really."
"What do you-"
"Well, let's see," Remus sighed, looking off to the side with a small smile as if pulling out a distant thought. "He hated the winter, and loved the summer... Although he felt that hot chocolate and fresh snow made it almost bearable."
I smiled a little thinking of how my dad used to shove pom pom hats on my head and tear me out into the snow, pushing a large mug in my tiny hands.
"And you both love stargazing," he noted. "It's adorable."
"Is not," I mumbled. Remus smiled and shook his head but continued.
"And I don't know how anyone thinks you look like her, because every time you put on one of his shirts you look exactly like the pictures of him."
"You think so?"
Remus nodded and tilted his head a little.
"You have the same blue eyes and the same nose," he said, holding his hands out as if to frame my face inside them.
I scrunched my nose a little and Remus laughed.
"And he was a terrible cook and an even worse singer, just like you."
"Hey!" I laughed. Remus grinned.
"And the one thing you always talk about is his smile," he said softly.
"He was always smiling," I nodded.
"Just like you, love," Remus said. "The brightest smile I've ever seen."
I couldn't even push the corners of my mouth down if I tried.
"There it is," he said as he picked up the sides of my face and pressed his smiling lips to mine.
"I fell in love with your smile first," he said. "Remember?"
I nodded as images from Valentine's Day up in the Astronomy tower flashed through the back of my head.
"And then I fell in love with everything else," he said. "Everything you got from your dad."
And I finally felt the golden light wash through me, spreading through everything that had been left cold and empty. I finally felt steady and warm. I finally felt okay.
"You really think I'm a bad singer?" I asked quietly. Remus laughed.
"The worst," he replied.
He picked up my face in his hands and kissed me again. And I let him wash through me too. I let his cascading waves mix with the golden light and I let myself be more and more okay.
I let him fix me.
"I love you," I said when he pulled away. Remus smiled and pushed my hair away.
"I know."
_________
A/N
at least this was like a happy kind of sad.. right?
I have fluff chapters planned but I also have more sad stuff that I have to put in so it'll be like a mix for a lil bit lmfao
song: make it to me - sam smith
how it applies: I think its actually like a song for your future soulmate who you haven't met yet but i like relating it to remus giving syd time to heal and like knowing that they're endgame even when she takes a lil more time.... I also j like the vibe lol