Torture
"He's, right..."
Mama glanced quickly at Third, sitting on a sola sofa, before returning her gaze to me. She's still holding me in her arms with an embrace. Mahaba ang sofa pero sobrang dikit na dikit kaming dalawa sa gitnang part. Yet I like to be honest I want how clingy is she. I miss her. This is somethin' I miss about her.
"It's really a boil in the ocean for us being back in the country prior to as planned if... it weren't for the agreement. Third was a toddler at that time when the pair of the family agreed to the decision."
She once again looked at Third. The idea of the latter nodding his head in silence had panned out to me that he already knew about this content. Third's like reassuring his mother it's all okay now. That I should hear the story this time.
My hold on Mama's hand defined more as I give her a smile of assurance. I told her I'm okay... That it was all fine for me when I saw her disruptive eyes worried about how I'm going to talk back and react.
Right then, it was as if my heart was stabbed at the thought. The thought of this. I made Mama all these years carrying turmoil and high level of fear whenever she looked at me because of what happened before. She was afraid to get hurt because seeing me hurt and hearing my disappointment to her hurts her more. It really sucks to think about how words can affect people. You could only ever apologize; never could you take them back.
"It's never easy on us to meddle with our children's choice of love. We're just grateful you two reached the point... and just feel so lucky that things go smoothly on plan without us starting any move."
Something struck my heart. Remembering Third and I are two in love people before... And now hearing this... is too much late now.
"I admit. When we were back in the country during the time, we were supposed to stay for a month until Third get used to be in your-- or at least your parent's presence. But the reception is not making any ceremony when literally, his actions made clear he won't just really take a time of himself alone to your attention," Mama heartily laughed which make me smile. And I can just see from my peripheral vision how Third rolled his eyes. "The need to fulfill was for us to always be there beside him," Mama said.
She's right. Third wouldn't even dare talk lines of sentences to me. He would not invite me casually but when he does, his line would be, 'Mom told me so '...
"It drove us to leave the country earlier against the plan for him to at least consider what he can't fairly think of doing or.. seeing. But, believe me, sweetheart... after that, we didn't do anything, continue planning of anything. In fact, we nearly reached a point of drawing out the accordance because I realized I just can't work out the thing with my son with so much thinking. I know everything he's been through and I want the one he chooses himself... importantly... if it's a marital choice. But Mitchell... He was so indestructibly persistent to follow what we die to plan. He didn't want to pull out. It was hard for me and my husband because the choice was also hard... Two sides were reasonable and both... apparently... needed."
Dad already told me about this. But I wanna hear her side... Where she's coming from. She asks me to hear this and my goal was to only listen. This was something I lack years before. I only got to talk and talk, poisoning myself in what I already identified with so much information I picked up to suspect only by myself. And it was just like a tiring cycle that's repeatedly eating my sanity. I refused to listen before... so the chance of learning what is new hasn't gotten to me for a time.
That's why the people were periodically messed up. They keep on pressing themselves on what they already knew, rather than staying silent, and listening for a batch of different points that might enlighten them on how the world is so fucked up with those attitudes.
Mama smiled, "The choices had only sat when Third took his might to confess his feelings for you during one of our meetings with your parents. That resolved it all. And that was the time we dropped everything what's gonna happen to you two. We do mine, you do you. We let you two do your way."
She was right. Hindi naman dumating sa punto ng sapilitan. A matter of fact, alam kong kahit itulak pa nila kami ni Third papalapit sa isa't isa, it won't give hindrance to stop my building feelings for him. Dahil kung totoong pagmamahal, hindi naman 'yon kayang pigilan.
Our love then was so pure... so honest... and peaceful. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa mas matanda siya sa 'kin para dalhin and relasyon namin, pero... damang- dama ko ang pagiging sincere ng relationship namin noon. I couldn't remember, even once, na lumapit ako kay na Mommy para humingi ng parental advice about love and relationship, dahil hindi naman kami madalas mag- away ni Third. He made it ideal.. to balance us.. and keep a healthy relation with me.
"I wasn't a perfect mother, I'm aware of that. Nobody could ever be." Naramdaman ko ang piercing look ni Mama sa 'kin. "Even so you, Avi."
Naalarma ako. I straightened my back and put a small bolter of my baby hair at the back of my ears.
"When you become a mother someday, you can't possibly have always keep things in control. The way you appreciate and care for small things... it all can lead to big things." I nodded and smiled at her.
She caressed my hand. Tumingala saglit kay Third bago binalik ulit ang tingin sa akin. "These big things... have the power to destroy you. Your entirety, including family." She sadly smiled, "I am in deeply not recovering from regrets for years now..." She became teary-eyed again. "I'm.. very sorry for what happened to your mom, Avi. I'm sorry I failed to protect our family... If only I lived with honesty, the problem would not have needed to extend to the both of you... Initially, it's always been my fault. I ruined us. The decision I thought was the best for the building family was not a solution but the destroyer. I destroyed everything. I destroyed my husband, Third, you, Mitchell... and, Claire... she doesn't deserve what happened to her... I, deserve..."
"Ma," Third was fast on reaching her mother's back after hearing her shaking voice. Ganoon din ang ginawa ko. I gently rubbed the small of her back, comforting her and made convince that no one simply deserves death. That it's God to decide about our lives.
"But you reached me. Something woke me up from the bottomless nightmares I thought I'd already forgotten. Because you're the only one I'm waiting for... I was years waiting for a reason to finally bury the excruciating past that has given to all of us." Niyakap niya na ulit ako. I returned the hug and let her hear the series of my sorries, too.
After the heart-to-heart talk, we straight up headed to a restaurant. Mama never left my side throughout the day. She got more clingy and clingy, kaya kahit papaano ay natututo na ulit akong masanay sa presence niya.
Ganoon ang naging hitsura ng sandali ko pang pananatili rito. The mother and son would always fetch me in the first week, every night, except for Monday and Saturday... the day of work for them that tends to be pretentious. Kaibahan lang... sa sunod na linggo ay hindi na namin kasama si Third. Mama asked me one time to fly in New York but once refused. Pero noong sumunod na araw ulit... hindi na ako nakapagpigil. Dahil gustong gusto ko...
"Mama..." I chuckled. "I told you not to."
She just giggled and called her secretary on the intercom. "Grace, our coffee!"
I want to laugh at myself. Kung sa iba, kahit kay Mommy, nakakatanggi pa ako tuwing inaalok ng kape. Pero sa kaniya, katulad ng dati, hirap pa 'rin akong tumanggi. Feels like some things haven't gone change. I still don't want refusing Mama's picks for me. She has that vibe upon me. It was always hard to do not acknowledge her offers.
Binalikan ko ulit ng tingin ang post niya sa Instagram. I was tagged. It was a picture of us yesterday on the runway. Nasa likod namin ay ang malaking flying plane na kagagaling lang ng European country. I just feel like I did a betrayal!
I zoomed in on the photo. Fuck! Kitang- kita talaga ang malaking sulat ng AVIA sa wing side ng airplane. Binasa ko ulit ang caption ni Mama with a flying emoji.
Let the skies align.
I looked back at Mama. She has that victorious smile on her face. She's so happy about it. Pushing me to believe it's just an appreciation of me being here. Malungkot akong napangiti sa loob ko.
I.. really want to, truthfully speaking. But, my situation right now? Mahirap ng labanan. Katulad ng sinasabi ni Mama, bilang ina, matututunan kong pahalagahan ang mga bagay na akala ko ay maliit lang pero malaki ang epekto sa buhay.
I can't easily file a resignation letter just to run for Avia. I have a lot to consider. Time. Stability. Retrenchment... The family I'm building for life... to forever... dahil sila lang naman ang uuwian ko palagi sa dulo. There were things that doesn't require impulsivity. I sighed and double-tap my screen.
She chuckled. "You hearted it."
"Of course, Ma."
We chatted a little about it... Went down on her, secretly wanting me to leave Europe Wings and be home in AVIA instead, the way I know we had to end up at first. We always talked about this and I gave her my reasons for every uncomprehensive point. She understands... but... I knew she really wants me in AVIA.
If I don't have a lot of things to think, as I've said, I have to be honest I really want to... It's just as hard and as complicated now. First, paano ko nalang 'yon sasabihin kay Lucas 'pag nagkataon? We were both stable na in Europe Wings. Quota na ako sa kaniya kung akin pa rin ng akin ang susundin ko. I should hear about this matter from him this time. Not now I addedly know he's starting to invest small in the airline company. I couldn't simply eliminate services that were profitable for the venture Lucas is attempting to finance more in by little steps.
I just noticed with guilt... Ako nalang palagi ang nagde- desisyon. We're off to marriage. At hindi magandang gawain iyon.
It was Thursday night na gabi na kaming nakaalis sa AVIA. Four straight days na akong kasama lagi ni Mama sa work niya at kung saan siya lagi nagpupunta. Tonight... sa isang charity event naman. She's aiming to bid high for the auction kaya sobra ang pag- re- ready namin ngayon.
"Oh, darling!"
I went out of the room, wearing a red slick gown. I have to say my boobs really came bigger when Lucas... Gosh! I don't wanna say it! So let's quit it was because of pregnancy!
Same as the front, my back was vulgar and I swear I don't recall the last time I had to put on a gown like this! I suddenly became teary-eyed, grasping how so much I missed this... Parang kailan lang noong mga panahon na umiikot ang breather ko sa pageant.
I declined to wear the four-inch heels that Mama personally bought me for this big occasion. Nagulat pa nga ako when she didn't insist... against from what I expected. Being reasonable, I just gave her... 'I can't wear heels, Ma. I know you're finely tall but you need to match my height when we walk on the carpet.'
Habang sakay sa limousine papunta sa hotel na gaganapan ng event, hindi ko maiwasang titigan si Mama. It was obvious she aged... but unreasonably... a little at least.
"You're beautiful, Ma." Drop-dead gorgeous as ever.
Binalingan niya ako galing sa pagkakatitig sa window car. She just became silent when we left the hotel room she rented for us to do our way. Hanggang dito sa sasakyan... I noticed her silence.
"Heard it too many times from you."
I chuckled. "Accept why I'm so obsessed."
I reached for her hand. "Mama... Thank you for this... for everything."
She meaningfully smiled back. "All for you."
I took a deep breath in before gently exhaling.
"I have something to tell you..."
She positioned her back kahit na maayos naman na ang pagkakasandal niya.
I've been consistently thinking about this for the nights passed. When it comes to her, I feel like I wasn't scared. Maybe, because I know.
As a mother, I know she'll understand. As a mother, I know she has to know.
"I'm months pregnant. Say, almost three.. going four."
I touched my belly. I don't know if I was just too overwhelmed, but I know there's a growing bump.
I waited for her to say something... Only, she smiled.
"Third know?"
I parted my lips. I sighed and shook my head in silence. Now, I'm suddenly scared. "I want him to know, but I don't know if I could keep up."
"He already knows you're engaged... It's the same, Avi." She suddenly wiped her lone tear. I felt my heart weaken.
"Just... please. Don't make this any harder for my son. Do not slow down the pain... That's torture."
It dawned on me. And to know I'm going to see him in the venue a moment from now... it submissively weakened my night. I want to go back to my hotel room in Arizona... locked myself up, sunk into bed, cover the entire of myself with the blanket... Then, cry.
I know it's tempting. I know it's comforting. I need a one-night vulnerability... again. I want to let my feelings out... hoping I could collect myself after.
When I want to burst into it so much, I felt the same warmth from my hand. Nagpahid ako ng luha. Mama's hand took my idea to ignore. It gave me strength. Ang idea na... palagi nalang akong naghihintay na maging okay ako... That I gave myself more time to cry than to get up... It all sunk into me. Just by her motherly warm hand... I have this feeling that it's my mother's hand.
Sa huli, hindi ko pa rin napigilan. I cried at Mama's shoulder, but with a strengthened spirit now.
To reimburse for the consequence, we took time to stop by a restaurant for a powder room. Mama is a friend of the owner, so we went instead to a nicer place in the resto, fixing our messed-up make-up and hair! After a gallon of tears in the limousine, we converted the scene to a happy one. We were both laughing at the mirror while trying to recover our 'be hit by a storm' face.
Pagkapasok agad namin sa event hall ay hinarang na si Mama ng interviewers. After a picture, I excused myself out to search for Third. Kanina pa siyang text ng text kung nasaan na kami. Ang paulit- ulit kong reply ay:
To: Third
otw
I smiled when I saw his back. For some reason, I've got a phone call. I chuckled.
"Where were you two?"
"Right at your back... milord," say it how I heard it from royalties all the time.
He immediately turned around and our eyes met. He arched a brow before dropping the call.
"Why went at a snail's pace?" masungit niyang tanong.
I smirked kaya lalo siyang nairita. I saw it in his eyes. He's got a temper, huh?
"May dinaanan lang..." simple kong sabi.
He scowled. "Why was this a surprise to me... You're with mom," he said what would answer it all.
Tumawa ulit ako nang mahinhin. "Let me concur to the next level. She stopped over there... Look!" I pointed Mama at a different set of people now. She really is for candidacy.
Pagbalik ko ng tingin sa kaniya ay nagulat ako. His eyes got darker now. When I looked down, I straightly know what it is.
"Uh..."
I saw his eyes leave the sight of my peeking chest.
"Kasi..."
Third arched a brow. I saw his jaw clenched. I gulped. He still doesn't want this... I realized. He's still overprotective when my body is in the eyes of people.
"Third."
He glanced quickly at the side, bago bumalik sa akin. Like, parang bumubuwelo. "Your back." He took a peek.
I awkwardly smiled. "Is beautiful?"
His jaw clenched more. Ramdam kong iritang- irita na siya sa 'kin.
"Your legs." His eyes swiftly turned to my slit. Tinabunan ko 'yon ng karampot na fabric sa baba, kaya useless lang, dahil bumalik sa dati.
I looked at him. His heavy breathing was evident in how his chest strictly protruded.
"Chest."
Of course for the last one, right?!
Hindi niya ibinaba ang tingin doon kagaya ng sa mga nauna. Instead, he grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the hall.
"What's your problem?"
He continued to pull me. Nakita ko pang napagawi ng tingin si Mama pagkaraan namin sa gilid niya, bago makalabas ng hall. She's creasing her forehead, confused.
"You know my problem."
And, hell yes, it was confirmed.
For a moment, I found myself sitting in his car. We're in the parking, and even with the struggling light to come out from the place it has, it's still a bit dark to watch Third's face. Yet, I can feel his blazing glares with annoyance.
I can already hear some crickets because of the silence. Ang malinaw ko lang naririnig ay ang malalalim niyang paghinga. Like he's keeping it down. Saglit niyang kinalikot ang cellphone niya bago ibinigay ang buong atensiyon sa 'kin.
"I have a ticket flight back to Arizona."
My eyes went wide. "What?!" Naguguluhan ko siyang sinuklian ng tingin. He's that feeling bad about it? Seriously?
"I'm just saying—"
"But you're implicitly telling me what you want me to do!"
He massaged the bridge of his nose. "Don't shout, please."
"No! You want me to fly back because you are so annoyed—"
"Your words. Not mine."
Nairita ako. Gago ba siya? He's being a jerk now, in downright truth!
"Third! Hindi ako mag- f-fly back sa Arizona! I don't understand—"
"Fuck. I'm not sending you there. I just told you I have a ticket flight and you're being illogical now?"
Illogical?! The fuck.
"You don't tell me you have tickets for nothing."
His hand on the steering wheel tightened.
"You have issues about my dress."
Umiwas siya ng tingin. I want to stop just by seeing his protruding jaw in so much irritation. But I continue.
"You want me to have a flight way to Arizona. You want me home."
Magkamali lang siya ng salita... Literal na uuwi nga ako sa home ko! It just boils my temper, too. I know! He's being irrational! He can't be that 'restricting me to wear what I want to wear'. Tapos na kaya dapat wala na siyang masasabi!
Suddenly... my thoughts stopped. Naiinis ba ako dahil nagmamagaling siya kahit hindi naman na kami? Or the damn idea that I still want to bid on his restrictions? Fuck! What is this...
This is just one of the hella added torture!
Sa huli... nagpatalo siya. "Just... please, wear my coat."
"I'll rather stick to that."
His eyes softened. Talagang seryoso siya kanina na papalitan ang suot ko! Kung hindi ko lang tinawad na hindi ko talaga gusto ang pinipilit niyang mangyari. Mama and I spent hours on this! For this gown! For this look! He doesn't appreciate the word elegant. He's more like looking on to the vulgar side. This man...
"Sorry... Let's go back?"
Tumango ako at bumalik na kami sa loob.