epilogue
florence thompson
song: lunar years – maisie peters
"Where are you?" I ask into the phone that is pressed between my shoulder and ear, searching through the sea of people for a familiar face but finding none. "I don't see you, are you sure we're at the same entrance?"
"There is only one entrance, you– CHICA!" The familiar voice erupts from behind me and I turn around faster than I have in probably my whole life, to find who I've missed the most over the past two months of being away.
Rico barrels through the crowd of gathering people who are picking up their friends and family from the busy airport. He shouts halfhearted apologies to the few people he knocks into but it doesn't stop his stride and I drop my bags only just in time to feel his arms wrap around me in a hug so tight that he lifts me from the ground a couple inches. One of us squeals, or maybe both of us, I'm not really sure in the heat of the moment.
After a few moments of us squeezing each other to death, we finally let go as people bustle around us, trying to get to where they're going in a rush. It's almost a comfort to feel anything but rushed in the middle of it all.
Rico grins at me broadly as if he can't believe I'm real and honestly, after two months of strictly FaceTime and phone calls, I'm having a hard time believing he's really here in front of me too.
"I've missed you too much, there is so much to catch you up on. Oh my god," he rushes as he picks up my bags from the floor, "I cannot believe you left me here with Aria for so long. Do you know how boring the diner has been at night? They put some new girl on your closing shift with Ben and I when you left. I swear if I have to hear her talk about the meaning of life one more time I'm walking." Rico keeps talking as he moves through the swarms of people towards his parked car. I do my best to listen but I'm so overwhelmed with my excitement that I can hardly focus on anything.
"How is Ben?" I ask as Rico tucks my suitcase and bag into the trunk of his car before sliding into the driver's seat. He eyes me for a moment as I buckle only to shake himself out of it and buckle himself in as well.
Aria and Rico kept up with me the most while I was gone but things have been a little weird between Ben and I since I left. He didn't really know I was gone until a couple days after I was already in New York and understandably, he was a bit hurt. Even more so when he offered to fly out and I declined. After a heated discussion, he'd leave my texts unread and I can't say it didn't hurt. I understood why he was upset with me and he needed time and space which he got but it definitely changed the dynamic of our friendship. I know Ben had feelings for me, and just like everything else in my life, the timing ended up being wonky. We missed each other by only a small fraction of time. I can't say I don't have feelings for him anymore, it's just hard.
Honestly, just coming from a fling of unrequited love, I did not and still don't ever want to put someone like Ben, who I care about so deeply, in a position to feel that way. Even if I like him, I wasn't anywhere close to being emotionally available. It was one of the most painful things to walk away from Vincent. Healing was better for me in the long run but so achingly painful. I can't say the first month of staying with my mom in New York didn't consist of watching New Girl and hardly moving from bed.
"He's..." Rico hesitates as he puts the car into drive and begins pulling out of his parking spot. "He's good. He quit the diner, actually."
"...But you just said Ben was still on closing shift?"
"Yeah, he was for about two weeks after you left. Then he got an offer from his friend's dad to volunteer sailing on his boat. I haven't heard from him in a couple weeks, actually," his voice drifts as he thinks of Ben and I watch as we pull out onto the busy road and head for the diner I missed so much. It feels like I haven't seen it in forever.
The silence lingers between us for a few moments before I tug my lips into a small smile at the picture of Ben living a sweet, carefree life on a boat. He's had lots of ambitions in life but that feels so right for him right now.
"I'm glad he's doing well," I say but Rico and I both know something lingers in my tone.
It's only about half an hour before Rico pulls into Glenn's Midnight Diner and it hits me harder than I thought it would. I feel like I can still see Vincent's car parked out here along with Ben and Rico's. I can imagine where we stood when Ben pressed a goodbye kiss to my cheek that night he was in his varsity jacket and I left with Vincent. The same night Vincent kissed me for the first time. The thought makes my chest sag with a different kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that has healed a little.
Rico parks the car and we're out of it and heading towards the diner in only a few moments. When I enter the diner, the bell over the door ringing with my arrival, Glenn is the first person I lay eyes on. He's sat at the cash register, reading an out of date magazine when his eyes flit over to me. They light up immediately, making my heart swell in my chest.
Before I can even break into a sprint, he pushes himself up from his stool and rounds the counter, meeting me halfway as I jog through the little diner I love so much. His arms wrap around me as mine wrap tightly around him. It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders finally, Glenn is as close to a father figure that I have in my life and with everything that has gone on within the last few months, I missed him a little extra.
"Flo!" A muffled but familiar, squealing voice calls out to me, tugging my attention away from Glenn as we pull away. I hear Aria's squeals before I see her, but when I do it's definitely a surprise.
Aria comes barreling from behind the counter, and I wonder for a moment why in the world she was out back but question fizzles out as I note the powdered donut in her hand and the crumbs falling from her mouth as she runs towards me. I almost laugh out loud at the sight but she is quick to wrap me in a tight hug, squeezing me so harshly that I think I might just combust.
"Oh my gosh," I laugh as she sways us back and forth. When we finally let go of one another, she holds me at arm length, careful to not get her powdered donut on me. She scans me as if she's looking for something wrong but when her eyes meet mine and I see the look in them, I think she may just be assuring that I'm really here in front of her. A feeling I know all too well today.
"I missed you a very stupid amount," she informs me, a sad smiling tugging at the corners of her lips.
Mirroring the smile, I nod gently. "I missed you a similarly stupid amount."
Glenn's soft chuckles bring me back to the present and I look to find him smiling gently at us. "I'm glad to see you back, Flo. It just hasn't been the same with you in the Big Apple."
I smile fondly at him. I felt the same way being so far from everyone. It was nice to be with my mom but my home is here.
"Okay, enough mush," Rico sasses, his hand coming to rest flat against my lower back as he pushes us towards a booth in the corner of the diner. "We have too much to catch up on."
As we slide into the booth, Glenn alerts us that he has an appointment to make it to and saunters into the back of the diner. I watch his retreating form as Rico slides into our side of the booth and Aria into the other. Aria is going a mile a minute, telling me everything about her life these past couple months. Some new, like how she started dancing and loves it more than she thought she would ever love anything and some old, like how she started fostering a kitten from a local shelter.
When the topic of Brandon comes up, Aria's face falls slightly. Rico goes quiet and I almost feel a little hurt they didn't tell me whatever it is, but I push it to the side. Life has been crazy for all of us, it was difficult to line up our schedules for the past two months to call even twice a month so it's understandable that she confided in Rico. Rico is a great confidant, it's one of his best qualities. I can't fault either of them for that.
"Brandon and I stopped our, uh, arrangement," she informs me. "It just didn't work. Brandon has a lot to deal with, he was getting a little too into drinking and he became too controlling. I wanted to tell you sooner but I didn't want to put it on you with what you had going on with Vincent." When she looks up at me, her eyes shine a little.
"Don't worry about that, Ari." My heart aches for my friend and what she went through with Brandon. I never liked him and part of me wishes I could've voiced that more so maybe she wouldn't have to go through what she had. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, and for future reference, please tell me. No matter what I'm dealing with, I want to be there for you."
By the end, our hands are joined in the middle of the table like the dramatic friends we are and she's smiling sadly at me. "I appreciate it, Flo." She's quick to change the topic to Rico, which Rico doesn't seem to mind. "Tell her about your boytoy, Rico!"
Rico rolls his eyes playfully but divulges the information just the same. "I think I'm going to move in with him within the next couple of months."
My jaw drops when I hear this, a smile tugging at my lips. "You're kidding me!" I squeal, shaking him with all my pent up excitement for him.
"I don't want to jump into it so we're going to keep testing the waters but I think it very well may happen."
"I'm so happy for you, chico," I smile softly, knocking my shoulder into his.
We catch up for what feels like hours on end and by the time the three of us leave, it's pitch-black outside and my heart is so full. I can't put into words how much I missed Aria and Rico but we all noticed the empty feeling with Ben not in our booth, laughing his loud, goody laugh with the three of us. I miss the four of us, more than I miss anything, it hurts knowing I very well could've pushed him straight out of our little town.
Aria says her goodbyes to us and promises to call me before Rico and I load up into his car and head for my little apartment. Its a short drive before we pull into my apartment and I miss the sight of my car parked int he lot, but unfortunately nothing good lasts forever and my car was no exception. I was lucky it made it to New York but it died shortly after.
We both unload out of his car and grab my baggage before heading for the stairs. Rico asks about details from my trip as we head up the stairs but by the time we make it midway, he begins whining, much to my amusement.
"Oh my god, leg day is going to be the death of me."
I almost stop in my tracks but I'm so close to my door, I'm more than ready to get into my crappy little apartment. Rico lags behind, still complaining about leg day.
"Oh wow, I leave for two months and you become a whole new person! Leg day? Who are you, what did you do with my Rico?" I tease, smiling back at him.
I finally come to my familiar, worn door before dropping my bag on the floor and waiting for the whining Rico. He sets my suitcase down just as his phone goes off in his pocket.
"Personal growth, chica–," Rico sings, stopping short as he read the message on his screen. "Ugh. Boytoy has gotten himself a flat tire. I have to go save him, you alright from here, chica?"
I smile softly at him. "Yes, I'm fine." I nod. "Thank you for everything, Rico."
He leans in, wrapping me up in an infamous Rico, bone-crushing hug which almost makes the hint of sadness evaporate right out of me. "You're welcome, Flo."
He heads towards the stairs and I watch his back before he turns back to me at the top of the steps, sending me a bright smile. "I love you!" He calls, making my heart swell.
"I love you too!" I call back, watching him as he disappears from my line of view before turning back to my door.
I slide my key into the handle and twist it. Pushing open the door to my dark apartment and I'm hit with a wave of a weird mixture of discomfort and comfort.
I step into my apartment but my foot hits something that goes skidding across the wooden floors. With furrowed brows, I move in and close the door, locking it and finding the light switch before looking down to the floor. There, laying on my bare floor is a plain envelope with Ms. Thompson written in all too familiar handwriting.
I dump all of my stuff hastily, grabbing the envelope from the floor and leaning back against my front door. I slide down to the floor, too afraid to go further into my apartment and remember things I'm not quite ready to remember. With a deep sigh, I close my eyes for a moment before opening them and sliding my fingers into the back of the envelope, opening it carefully. I tug out a piece of folded paper and my heart drops, knowing immediately what it is.
Hesitantly, with my heart in my throat, I unfold the letter that is dated five days from the day I left and read it with shaky hands.
Ms. Thompson,
Dear god, where do I start, Florence? Well, I'll start with this. I know you want your space from me. From this, from us. Forever, probably. I respect that but I still want to give you a response because I think you deserve that at the very least. Listen, Florence, I knew from the beginning that this may be a problem. I take blame where this went wrong. I knew where your mind was from the beginning, you were trying to settle down and look for Mr. Right.
I had a good idea from the start that you'd eventually look at me differently. I was afraid it would happen, but I was selfish. I was intrigued by your fresh view of the world and your bright ambitions, I wanted to know more. You were the first arrangement I've had where the SB didn't want every single thing paid for. Hell, you didn't even want me paying your tuition. It was interesting and new and you are such a bright, captivating young woman. It was impossible for me to back down, to say no.
It was selfish and inconsiderate of me to ever put you in a position where you would ever have to question your worth when it comes to me and my relations with Julia. Please don't feel like you pale at all in comparison. I don't want you to feel as if I've chosen Julia over you, Julia and I have a very complicated relationship.
I'm sorry that you ever felt in a place where you needed to choose yourself. I'll admit I put you in situations where you needed to and for that I will never be able to express how sorry I am to you, Florence. I'm sorry I ever asked you to stay, using your affection against you. It was inexplicably selfish of me. You deserve the world and all the love it has to give. I wish this had worked out differently, I wish I could bring you into my life and not feel guilty but that isn't realistic. My life and myself are very messed up. I have a lot of work to do on both.
I appreciate your honestly and even if your declaration of love has made me feel guilty for taking your first love from you, I am thankful to have ever been loved by someone so lovely as you. You made my life fun over our short time together. I think I forgot that life can be fun before you came along but you taught me well that there is plenty of fun to be had in life.
I wanted to love you the same way you loved me, Florence. I really did. I want to think that we're soulmates too, that would make life so much easier. I know with certainty though that you deserve someone much better than myself and that is something you'll come to terms with.
With a heavy heart, I'll respect your decision and let you go. Go live, fall in love, take your time. For what it's worth, I would do it all over again too. I can't say I wouldn't change anything because I don't think that is the honest truth but I would do it over with you.
I am eternally grateful for you as well, Ms. Thompson. You and your unwavering love and thoughtfulness. I will remember you and our short time together for the rest of my life.
Enjoy your life, Florence. Every second of every minute. You deserve nothing less.
Forever Yours,
Vincent.
By the time the letter comes to an end, I have tears rolling slowly down my face as I clutch the paper to my chest, tilting my head back against the door behind me. His words ache deep down in my bones and even though I know Vincent is not what I will ever need, I think he may always be some semblance of what I want. Part of me wishes he'd just told me he hated me but to know he didn't only makes the ache deeper. I just spent two months learning how to let go of this man and even though this makes my heart feel heavy, I also know that it's lighter than when I first let him go and that is progress.
I pull the letter away, my gaze clinging to his name signed at the bottom. Forever Yours accompanying it above. Oh, Florence from two months ago wishes that was true but Florence right now knows that isn't true. Vincent never was mine and he never will be.
I let my eyes dance over his letter one last time before I carefully fold it back up, tucking it into the envelope and pushing myself up from the floor. For the first time from stepping foot in here, I finally take in my little dingy apartment. Everything is just as I left it and that is both a comfort and pain. I find my way to my room with my suitcase and extra bag of stuff I'd somehow collected from my mother's. My closet is still thrown open, some stuff half hanging on hangers from when I'd ripped out anything I could get my hands on and shoved it into my suitcase.
I go over to my stereo, putting a Ramones CD on and blasting I Wanna Be Sedated before I get to cleaning. I tidy up the mess I made while leaving before unpacking my baggage and putting it where it belongs. Within thirty minutes, I have my room cleaned and everything put away before moving out to the kitchen.
At this point I'm dancing around to Baby I Love You, washing the few dishes in the sink. After drying them and putting them away, I throw my hair up into a messy bun and start cleaning down my counters and so on. Before I know it, I'm almost ready to move onto the living room, which feels nice since I feel like I'm cleaning the sad Flo away but before I can move to the living room, a knock comes from my door.
I pause in my dancing, my music still blaring from my bedroom. With furrowed brows and labored breathing from dancing ridiculously, I hesitantly move towards my front door. I unlock the door, expecting maybe my landlord but I swing it open to find who I've missed most tonight.
Ben stands in front of me, hands in his pockets, looking sheepish as ever. He looks just as handsome as I remember him, if not more. His skin is sun kissed a shade or two darker, no doubt from sailing. His hair that is usually short is grown a little bit, not enough to be scraggly though, and something I never thought I'd see Ben with–facial hair. His well kept, short stubble casts a dark shadow over his face. My heart leaps at the sight of him and his boyish grin that I've missed an impossible amount.
In only a matter of seconds, we're all over each other. His strong arms wrap around my waist and mine wrap around his neck. He lifts me from the floor with ease and my legs, having a mind of their own, wrap around him. He holds me tightly against him and I'm met with the scent of his signature cologne. I don't know for sure why my reunion with him feels so overdue but it surely does. It feels like I haven't seen him in what feels like years.
"I'm sorry, I'm really gross right now," I mumble into the hug, fully aware of how sweaty and red I am from the cleaning and dancing. Ben lets a chuckle out at this and I feel his chest vibrate against my own.
"I missed you too, Flo," he mutters, clearly not caring about how gross I am at the moment.
I tighten my arms around his neck a little, relishing in our little moment. "I missed you, Ben," I admit. After a couple moments, we release each other and he sets me down. I missed him, as Aria so classily puts it, a stupid amount. "Why are you here?"
A smile tugs at his lips, inevitably making one tug at my own. "I heard you were coming back, I wanted to be here earlier but my flight back got delayed."
My face softens. "You came back to see me?"
His smile widens into a grin. "Ah, nah, I actually came back for Rico. Just happened to be good timing," he teases me and I roll my eyes at him playfully.
"Rico is going to lose his mind, you know that, right?" I ask, amused, as I look up at him. "I think he's been going crazy at the diner without you."
"Without me to pick on and guilt into doing his work, maybe," he adds, laughing a little. I notice then how much I missed the sound of his laugh. He sobers up a little, as do I, his eyes tracing over my face slowly. I can't help but feel as if he's maybe missed me as much as I missed him. "I'm glad you're back, Flo. Nothing has felt right since you left," he mumbles sincerely, his eyes searching my own.
I feel a pang in my chest, a sad smile tugging at my lips. "I'm glad I'm back too."
After a fleeting moment, I step aside and invite him into my apartment. I close the door behind us and take in the sight of Ben back in my apartment, it feels right to see him here. I notice all the small things I missed and they almost make me happier than the big ones.
Ben plops his lanky frame down onto my couch and I find my seat next to him, tilted to face him. His dark eyes skim over my face like they did when we first saw each other only moments ago, and it makes my chest feel tight.
"How has sailing been?" I ask to take attention away from my face since I can feel my cheeks heating up. Apparently high school crushes don't always go away, but I suppose I knew that already. Ben has always been good to me, it's impossible to let those feelings go. They've always lingered, even when I tried to push them away.
"It's been great," he answers, absentmindedly.
I ask a few more questions and we go back and forth over the next ten or so minutes, catching up on everything. Since I talked to Ben the least over the past couple months, it's no surprise that we didn't have a shortage of topics to talk about but we both have our minds elsewhere. The conversation of my schooling, our latest topic, eventually comes to a natural end and we sit in a fleeting moment of silence.
"Flo?" Ben says, eyes fleeting from somewhere to my left, back to my face.
"Yeah?"
"Can I say something? I would hate myself if I came back here and didn't at least try," he mumbles, quiet. I nod, unsure. After looking at me for a prolonged moment, Ben finally speaks again. "I really like you, I have for awhile now. It drove me insane when you were with Vincent, watching how he treated you. How hopelessly you fell for him, when I felt like I was right here all along."
My features soften with his admission. I had a pretty good idea Ben liked me towards the end of Vincent and I's arrangement but it's different to actually hear it from him. It warms my heart and admittedly, makes butterflies swarm in my stomach. I almost can't believe it now that I'm hearing it directly from him but its exciting to hear.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I ask quietly, fidgeting a little with my hands in my lap.
He shrugs his broad shoulders, running a hand through his dark, waywardly hair. "I didn't want to be disrespectful, you know? I knew you had a lot going on, sorting your feelings with Vincent. I would've only made things more difficult for you."
A smile tugs at my lips at the man in front of me. From high school to now, it's funny how these things happen. When my smile breaks into a silly grin, Ben's lips lift up slightly.
In a hasty, certain movement, I lean forward towards him, cupping his scruffy cheek and glancing between his dark eyes and full lips for a moment before pressing my lips against his. My eyes flutter closed and his lips move against my own. I've been waiting for this moment since I was sixteen probably and it is even better than I ever dreamt up. Ben moves his lips gently against my own, his large hand coming to rest on the back of my neck, his thumb resting below my ear. Years of feelings pour into our short but sweet kiss and I couldn't ask for anything more.
When we pull away, my heart is racing but a smile is already plastered to my lips.
Ben runs his thumb over my bottom lip, smiling gently at me, our faces still close to one another. "You don't know how long I've wanted to kiss you," he admits.
I return the small smile, shaking my head. "Ditto."
In that moment, I'm not sure what will come of Ben and I, if anything, but for right now it feels nice. I finally feel free. Even though Vincent's letter hurt to read, it also finally gave me what I needed to let him go. I'll always love him deep down, but I'm ready to let that piece of me go. That piece of him.
Just like Vincent said, we aren't soulmates, we never were. It was a nice little bit of time but I'm ready for sweeter things.
• • •
Oh my god, it's been so long since I've written Sugar! I'm sorry if this doesn't meet your expectations as it has been over two years, I believe, since I finished Sugar so it was a little difficult to get back into the mindset. I hope you love it though. Also I'd like to note that this doesn't mean that Flo and Ben end up together, happily ever after, or that Flo's problems are solved because of Ben. I hope it doesn't come off that way, I just want to clarify because I'm an anxious human haha. I wanted to treat this epilogue as a glance back into all of their lives.
Also please excuse any grammatical errors, I really just wanted to get this up before I changed my mind!
I hope you enjoyed it. I can't express how grateful I am for all of the love I've gotten on Sugar. It has seriously changed the way I write my stories and I can't wait to post my new book. Keep an eye out for How to Frame Eden Crawford this month, if you're into more mystery themed books with some romance :)
Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart, you all are the coolest, kindest people.💛
- Jane x