As the week went on, the more cold and stressful the days were. I was convinced the heat stopped working again but school wasn't cancelled so I was forced to suffer in the cold while solving for 'x' a thousand times.
"What are your plans for winter break?" Parsons asks me.
In an hour I'm supposed to be going to the doctor for my check-up. Until then, I get to eat and talk with my friends.
"I didn't have any. Just try to stay warm, I guess." I shrug my shoulders and take another bite of my muffin.
"It's not even that cold." He says. For the beginning of the day I've been envious at how he's been able to stay so warm. I feel like I'm inside an igloo without any type of clothing on and he's just merrily eating a sandwich in comfort.
"I can't feel my hands." I hold them out. He notices the slight tremor that follows them and I watch as worry fills his green eyes. He grabs his hands with mine, interlacing our fingers.
"Can you feel that?" He smirks but I can't help but feel happy at the newfound warmth.
"Thanks." I mutter, a blush creeping on my cheeks.
At least blushing warms me up.
Then we definitely need to be around Parsons more.
"Erin?" I look back to the group. They, thankfully, don't see us holding hands but for some reason, I wouldn't mind if they did.
"Yes?"
"Any plans for the break?" Ollie asks. He tone sounds very cheerful and hopeful.
"Not that I'm aware of. Why?"
"Well I'm glad you asked." His slight smile breaks out into a full Cheshire cat grin and I can't help but get slightly worried. "Every year, we all go to Cam's cabin -- ha, that went together -- and spend a couple day's over the break there. We come back the day before Christmas so we can spend it with our families. Do you wanna go?"
"How far away is the cabin?" I ask. If it's too far, Mom would never let just in case if something were to happen again.
"Not too far. About two or three hours depending on traffic." Cam pitches in.
"I'll ask my mom. I'd love to but it's up to her." They nod and begin talking about Mr. Marcus' outfit choice of the day.
I can't help but be distracted from the conversation. I have a thousand things on my mind but not enough mind to contain all these things.
What will the doctor say?
Will Mom let me go?
Is there something going on between me and Parsons?
Will I pass my semester exams?
Isn't Elliott staying with me for winter break?
"You okay?" I pulled out of my thoughts by the feeling of Parson's thumb rubbing against my own. I've never had anyone do this before so to say the gesture was shocking would be an understatement.
I look down to our intertwined fingers and can't help but smile. A sense of happiness fills my stomach immediately.
I've never felt this way before.
"Beanie?" I look into his eyes and am met with that worried look in them again. I give a quick hum in response. "I asked if you were okay."
"Oh, um." I clear my throat quietly and feel myself getting warmer by the second. "Yeah, I'm okay. I just have a lot that's going through the mind right now." I say this with honesty. I don't know when this happened, but I've been able to trust Parsons completely with my thoughts.
Are you gonna tell him about Dad?
I think so.
"What's going on in there?" He taps my forehead with his finger, a playful smile on his pink lips.
I chuckle lightly at his gesture before answering. "I have a doctor's appointment after lunch and I'm a little worried about it." To be honest, I am worried. I haven't been having as many nightmares recently, I've been mentally and physically feeling better, and to say the least, I think I've made progress. But if there's even the slightest chance that Mom will make me stay home over the break, she will. She listens and breaks down every single word a doctor tells her about my condition. Dr. Lambert is our last hope. I just hope that we don't misplace our faith in him.
"What's got you worried about it?" I see the curiosity peaking through his eyes but he tries to contain it.
"I haven't been in a while and I just don't know if my condition got worse or not."
"Your condition?" He raises one eyebrow a little.
"I don't wear a beanie just for fun. Yes, they are a fashion choice, but wearing beanies is what kept me alive for the past five years." I watch as he processes the information and wants to ask questions but I speak again before he has the chance to do so. "I know you are probably very curious and my vagueness does not help but that's all I want to say for now, okay?"
He nods. I can see the slight pang of hurt in his eyes but he quickly replaces the emotion. "I'm here if you need anything, okay?" He begins to rub his thumb over mine again and I feel that happy feeling again. I nod with a smile on my face.
The bell rings and we're pulled out of our little zone.
"Come on, love birds. We have class to get to." Liv teases and I can't help but roll my eyes. We gather our things and depart ways.
"Spill." Liv says once we've gotten away from the boys.
"Spill what?" I say.
"I saw you and lover boy holding hands. What was the deal with that?" She gives me a knowing look and raises her eyebrows. The eagerness is evident in her voice and I can't help but chuckle at how desperate she is to know.
"My hands were cold." I say this with a shrug of the shoulders causing a scoff to escape her lips.
"Sure. That's all that it was." We enter the classroom and make our way to our seats. "You can deny it all you want, but something is going on between you and Neil."
Just as I am about to make a reply, my name comes on the intercom.
"Erin Walker please report to the office. Erin Walker to the office." I sigh and gather my things before walking out the classroom.
My mom notices me as I approach the office. She exits the office and we walk out the school together. She drove me to school today so I walk with her as we find her car in the visitor's section of the parking lot.
"How have you been feeling today, hun?" We buckle up and she turns on the heat as she asks me.
"I've been feeling okay. Just stressed for exams."
"Any headaches?" She glances over at me as she drives. I hear the worry laced in her voice.
"Not since a couple days ago." She nods her head. I can tell she's thinking but keeps her thoughts to herself. "Mom, I'm fine. I've been making progress."
"I know, hun. I'm just worried of what he'll say." She says this and our conversation ends there. I know she's worried about what he'll say, but I think she's more worried about what he won't say.
About fifteen minutes later and we've arrived at the hospital. We walk in and the smell of disinfectant immediately reaches my nostrils.
Oh, how I missed that smell. I think this with a sarcastic tone, causing me to chuckle at myself.
"Hi. What can I do for you today?" The receptionist, Lacy, greets us with a pearly white smile as we approach the receptionist counter.
For being in a place surrounded by death, someone is awful chipper.
"We have an appointment with Dr. Lambert." Mom says this, twiddling her thumbs. I grab her hands with mine, offering her a small smile in hopes of comfort.
"Erin Walker?" She reads my name off the computer and looks back up to us. We nod and she does some typing on the computer before speaking again. "Room 307. He should already be in there." She offers a small smile to us before we head towards the elevator. My eyes glance over the patients in the rooms and I feel my pity rising for them. It's not because I feel bad for them, which I do, but I feel bad that I understand the pain that comes with being in this place.
As we leave the elevator, Mom takes notice of my silence.
"You okay?" She asks this as she rubs my arm with her hands.
"Yeah. I just hate hospitals. Not many good memories." She nods, understanding me completely.
We get to Room 307 and notice the door open. Dr. Lambert takes notice of us and gestures for us to enter his room. He sits at a small desk, typing on his laptop. An exam table sits parallel to a pair of blue chairs. I hop on the exam table, dangling my feet off the edge. Mom takes a seat in the chair. I watch as she begins to get nervous, more than I am.
"How ya doing, kid?" He turns toward me. He sits comfortably, something I don't see most doctors do.
"I'm just glad to miss school." I joke and this causes him to laugh. I notice tension beginning to release from Mom's shoulders and this causes me to loosen up.
"I hear ya." He pulls up a document and scans over it before turning back to me. "So talk to me. How have you been feeling? How have the headaches been? How have you been sleeping?"
I answer all his questions and he doesn't break eye contact until I've finished answering. He makes the atmosphere comfortable and I appreciate that.
"Well it sounds like you have made some progress. The headaches do seem to progressively get worse the longer they are spread out but other than that, you seem like a normal teenage kid who is stressed about exams." He stands up and walks towards me. "I'm going to check your eyes, ears, breathing, and your head now. You ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be." He smiles and begins to check what he said he would. I've done this a thousand times so I'm use to these exams.
"Well your eyes, ears, and lungs seem normal, not that I was expecting anything to be wrong there. Can you take off your beanie so I can check your head?" I pull the beanie off my head and turn my body in a way that makes my head more accessible to Dr. Lambert. I feel as his fingers touch the healing scabs around the wound. "Does that hurt?" He asks as he touches my scalp. I shake my head. It use to hurt but as the years went on, and as I've healed, the pain went away.
He stops touching my head and sits back down and begins typing. "Now all that's left is the MRI scan. Have you done one of those before?"
"Sadly, I've done multiple." I sigh, swinging my feet back in forth. I twiddle my thumbs as I speak.
"Well then it will be quicker than you think." He offers me a small smile and hands me a small gown off the counter. "The bathroom is two doors down on the left." I take the paper-thin, blue hospital gown from his hands and make my way to the bathroom. I knock on the door a couple times before opening it.
I close the door and lock it behind me. I sigh as I look at myself in the mirror. Dark circles have begun to form under my eyes. My hair is a slight mess.
No wonder Parsons kept asking if I was okay; I look like I got hit by a train.
I splash some water on my face to look more alive but it doesn't help. I change out of my clothes and put the paper-like material on my body. Thankfully, this wasn't the gown that was open in the back so I felt a little more comfortable wearing it.
I gather my things and walk back to the room. When I open the door, Mom and Dr. Lambert are in engaged in a conversation.
"What are you talking about?" I ask, putting my clothes in the empty chair.
"Nothing important, sweetie." Mom offers me a smile and I can tell she's hiding something but I don't push her about it.
I slip on the hospital socks laying on the exam table before sitting on it again.
"You ready?" He asks me. I sigh and nod my head before standing up. He grabs a couple papers before turning to my mom. "You can wait here while we do the scan. It shouldn't take too long." She looks at him, her thoughts churning, before nodding hesitantly.
I follow the doctor out the room and towards the elevator.
"Now that it's just us. Tell me how you really feel." He presses the button for the fifth floor before leaning against the elevator wall.
"I'm worried." I sigh, crossing my arms. "My condition is rare so no one really knows how to react to it, let alone fix it. You're our last resort. If you can't help us, then I'm afraid no one can." He nods as I speak, listening to what I have to say and taking it in.
"Well I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to try to help you." He offers me a small smile as the elevator dings and the doors open. I follow him to the room where MRI scans are done. I find myself loosing my breath as I approach the machine. I didn't think I would be this nervous but for some reason, I am. I've done this so many times so why I am nervous all of a sudden?
I get into the machine and Dr. Lambert checks to make sure everything is good to go before stepping away.
"Just try to relax, okay? I know this probably isn't a comfortable setting for you but just try. Think of something that comforts you." He gives me a sympathetic smile before exiting the room and walking to the adjacent room. A sigh escapes my lips as I close my eyes.
The machine begins to whir and I feel my body moving. I keep my eyes closed as I try to picture myself elsewhere. I try to find something of comfort to me and what shocks me is that I imagined Parsons' face.
I imagine him looking at me with those green eyes. Those eyes that pull me into a trance that I can't, or want to, escape. I imagine him asking if I'm okay, his voice resonating through my ears. He'll look into my eyes, searching for the true answer. I imagine him grabbing my hands when I zone out. I imagine his thumbs stroking the back of my hand, calming me. I imagine me saying something smart and him smiling, shaking his head. His fawn hair will follow his head, swaying slightly. I imagine his smile turning into a smirk when he realizes I was staring. I imagine myself blushing and turning away but he grabs my chin and faces me back towards him. I imagine his soft touch on my face, resting there in such a gentle way. I imagine him looking deeply into my eyes before looking at my lips. I imagine his lips on mine, comforting me in every conceivable way possible. I imagine the biggest smile on my face when we finally pull away. I imagine him still staring into my eyes and I get flustered by it, causing his smile to grow. I imagine my heart growing at that smile, feeling something I never have before.
The machine stops whirring and I'm pulled out of my day dream.
"You okay?" Dr. Lambert asks once he's entered the room. He helps me up off the table and leads me out the room.
"Yeah, I'm okay." A small smile lingers on my face.
He cocks an eyebrow at me but decides to not question it. "Let's get you back to your mom and we'll discuss what we saw." I nod and follow him back to the room.
On the elevator ride down, and the walk back to the room where my mom is, I can't help but think about what happened during the scan.
I've never thought about someone like that.
Does this mean I like Parsons?
Is this what having a crush feels like? I haven't had one since forever ago.
Should I tell him how I feel?
Do I really want to kiss him?
What is going on with me?
"You can change and then we'll talk." I nod and gather my clothes and walk to the bathroom. I look at my phone and notice messages from Parsons.
Jerk: Hey. How did your check-up go? Is everything alright?
Me: So far so good.
Jerk: That's good. I'm glad :)
Me: Don't tell me you were worried about me, Parsons.
Jerk: Me? Worried? In your dreams.
I shake my head and laugh slightly. I finish changing and head back to the room.
Yet again, Mom and Dr. Lambert are engaged in a conversation. I enter the room and Mom smiles at me.
Weird. She never smiles when we're in the hospital.
"So what's the report, Doc?" I situate myself on the exam table and face towards him.
"Thankfully, everything seems the same as the last time you were here. I haven't seen any changes so I think it's safe to say everything is good." A breath of relief leaves my mouth and I find a smile forming on my lips. "However, do not take that lightly. Just because nothing has changed doesn't mean nothing won't. Do what you're doing and if anything happens, contact me." I nod and we talk for a minute more before leaving.
We get inside the car and on the way home, Mom can't stop smiling.
"Are you okay, Mom? Did you get possessed while I was gone?" She chuckles at my question, keeping that smile. Don't get me wrong, I love to see my Mom's smile, but I haven't seen her smile this much in a long time.
"Today was just a good day, sweetie." She turns into our driveway and shuts off the car. We quickly enter our house, thankful for the greeting heat. "Do you wanna order pizza tonight?"
"Sure." I say, kicking my shoes off and heading for the couch. We decided to have a girl's night and just relax for the first time in a couple weeks.
I wish I could say my mind was as relaxed as my body, though. Although everything at the doctor's went well, my mind seems to race. For the first time in a while I think I can say I have a crush. But what do I do now?