The next couple days were a blur. I didn't really talk to anyone but I had some people on my mind. Winter break was approaching but that also meant semester exams were coming up.
The bell rung for fourth period and I gathered my things before heading out the door.
Since last Thursday, things have seemed off. Lexie hasn't been her usual mean self, Parsons hasn't talked to me much, and Mom has been acting very strange since Uncle Stew came over. Something seems like it is about to happen and I don't know what it was.
"Hey, Beanie!" As I enter the classroom, I immediately lock eyes with Parsons and notice his smile. He gestures for me to come over and as I begin walking towards him, Mr. Marcus calls me to his desk.
"Yes?" I ask.
"You've improved greatly since you've arrived here, but there still are some things that you need to know before semester exams next week. I've already talked to Camden and he said he would be okay with helping you." He picks up a packet of papers. "This is a packet of everything you need to know. Don't stress about it too much but the semester exam is worth twenty percent of your grade, so keep that in mind."
I take the papers from his hand and nod. "Thank you." I say this before turning away from his desk and walking to the boys just as the tardy bell rings.
Mr. Marcus begins to speak but I ignore him. My eyes are in focus with a pair of green ones and that's the only thing my mind is noticing.
"Hi." He whispers as I sit in the desk next to him.
"Hey." I say back. I take out a pencil and flip through the packet, looking to see how much I don't know.
I feel a hand on my wrist and I tense. But once my eyes meet his, I calm down slightly.
"Are you okay?" He searches my eyes for something. I can't help but be warmed by his worry.
The room quickly fills back up with noise and I look around, noticing people are working on the classwork for the day.
"Beanie?" I realize I never answered his question and sigh.
"Hey, Erin? My place tonight?" I look at Cam, who obviously didn't know we were in a conversation. He was looking at his phone, his hair over his eyes, typing away.
"Sure. Just send me the address." He nods and continues typing.
I feel a slight tap on my wrist and realize Parsons never let go. He doesn't hold on tightly, but with a gentle touch. I feel his soft finger touch my skin and leave before feeling his touch again.
"Beanie. What's going on with you?"
A sigh escapes my lips and I close my eyes for a moment before opening them again.
"I'm just getting stressed. Semester exams are next week, I have to go to the doctor in a couple of days, and I'm having these weird feelings that-" I stop myself before I say something I regret. He raises a brow and looks at me questioningly.
"Doctor? For what?" I feel a weight lift off me for a moment. I'm thankful he asked about the doctor and not about my feelings.
But then I realize I just put myself in a bit of a pickle. I can't quite tell him exactly why I'm going to the doctor.
I mean, you could tell him.
And risk having him ditch me and tell the whole school? No thank you.
If you plan on keeping him in your life, you'll have to tell him one day.
One day. Just not today.
"Just a check-up. My headaches have been getting worse." I say this with honesty. It's the reason I'm going. However, that's just not the full story.
He looks deeper into my eyes and I can see the thoughts churning in his head.
He opens his mouth to say something but Mr. Marcus interrupts him.
"Neil. Erin. This is not social hour. Get to work." Everyone turns and looks at us. I realize he still has his hand on my wrist and move my hand away. He looks hurt by the gesture but nods and begins working on the classwork.
I sigh and place my head in my hands. I take a couple deep breaths. I feel his eyes on me for a moment before the feeling disappears. I look to him and notice his sad-like expression and can't help but feel bad.
I pull out my phone and go through my camera roll before finding the most recent picture of us. I click the share button and click his contact.
Me: *photo attachment* :)
I click send before I regret it and look to him. I watch as he opens my message and a smile instantly pops onto his face. He looks to me and I find the smile to be contagious. I feel a blush rise to my cheeks and look away before he can notice.
I find myself with that smile for the rest of the day.
The more the day went on, the higher my stress level grew. Every teacher was cramming in information last minute and giving way too many practice assignments. However, I was looking forward to spending this time with Cam tonight.
When I arrived to his house, it wasn't what I expected. I parked in the street behind Cam's car. After locking my car, I stood in awe at the house. Surrounding the small brick abode stood a picket white fence that was about waist level. The grass was as green as could be and perfectly cut. Although it's winter, the trees and bushes didn't seem dead.
I hesitantly entered the yard in fear that I was at the wrong house. I walk up the small pathway and up the couple steps. I texted Cam that I was here as I stood outside. The paint on the house looked fresh and everything looked so...nice.
The door opens and I smile at Cam.
"Come in." He allows me to come in further and I do. "It's getting really cold." He says, closing the door as quickly as he can.
"Tell me about it." I say sarcastically, rubbing my hands.
"My parents are away on a church retreat so it's just me and Georgie at home."
"Georgie?" I ask, questioningly. I remember Cam told me he was an only child.
He walks away and when he comes back, a black and white cat is in his arms.
"It's a cat!" I say, happiness in my voice. I've always wanted a cat. They're so fluffy and cute.
"This is Georgie." He says, pointing the cat towards me. It's black with white paws and some white on it's face. "We've had him for about three years now."
"He's so cute." I say in a baby voice. I pet him and my heart melts when he starts purring.
"You ready?" He asks. I nod and follow him to his room. The walls are a dark grey and his room is very clustered, yet organized. He has trophies on a shelf and posters of some soccer players.
"How long have you played soccer?" I ask, sitting down on his bed. He has a textbook, paper, and a calculator ready on his black comforter.
"Since I was four. I've always had a passion for it. This past season, a scout came to the state championship and offered me a full-ride scholarship to college as long as I played soccer for their team."
"You took the offer, right?"
"Of course." He says. He sets Georgie on the bed and I get to petting him right away. Cam sits across from me on the bed and twiddles his thumbs as he continues speaking. "It's a couple hours away so that might be straining on Ollie's and mine's relationship. He doesn't know where he wants to go to college, or even if he'll go."
"I think you guys can get through it." I shoot him a reassuring smile.
"What about you? Plans for after high school?"
A sigh escapes my lips as I try to think of a good enough answer. But I can't find any words that do a good enough job.
"Can I be honest with you, Cam?" He nods. I see the curiosity on his face but he tries to contain it. "I didn't think I'd be alive long enough to graduate."
He furrows his thick, brown brows together. "What do you mean?"
Don't tell him. Not yet.
"When I was twelve, something happened to me. I went through something and it truly is a miracle that I am alive. Every time I hit my head on something, I get closer to death. That's why I wear a beanie. Because of that, I never really thought about the future. I was so focused on living through each day."
I say these words carefully. I don't want to reveal to much but I want to honest.
I watch him as he thinks. He's processing my words and thinking. However, what he says next comes as a shock to me.
"Is there anything I can do to help you?" I sit in awe for a moment as I take in his words.
"Just help me pass math class this year." I say this jokingly after a minute of thinking. We laugh briefly before getting started.
An hour later, we've finished. I knew most of everything in the packet so we got through most problems quickly. When we were done, we just sat and talked.
"So do your parents know you're gay?" I ask next. We were talking about our feelings as only kids just a minute ago.
Cam hangs his head slightly downward as he nods. "Yes, they do. But they aren't supportive like Ollie's parents." He lays down on his bed with his back on the sheets, looking up to his bare ceiling. "When they first found out, they thought it was a joke. Then they caught me kissing a boy and realized it wasn't. After that, their religious-ness increased by twenty percent. They did everything they could to try to 'get the gay out' but nothing worked. When I met Ollie, which is a funny story, they tried everything they could to prevent us from dating. Obviously, they failed."
"Is that why you don't have a good relationship with them?"
He nods again. He pushes some hair out of his face before talking again. "The fact that they aren't supportive of who I am and that they aren't willing to try to change is why. I respect them but I'm their only son; they could at least try."
My sympathy for Cam grows the more he talks. I can tell this is a sensitive topic for him and it hurts him.
I place my hand on top of his and he looks towards me.
"Well they're missing out. You're such a great person and I'm glad I met you." I offer him a small, sympathetic smile and he smiles back at me. "Plus, if you weren't gay, I'd totally date you." He laughs and I join in.
"I don't think Neil would like that." He sits up and smirks at me.
"What do you mean?" I say.
"You both are oblivious." He says this under his breath but I'm able to hear it. "You both need to confess your feelings."
I'm stunned at his statement and find myself at a loss for words.
"I- I don't have feelings for him." He cocks an eyebrow at me. "Well I don't know if I do. I haven't liked someone for so long that I forgot what it felt like."
"Erin, I see the way you look at him. It's the same way I looked at Ollie when I started developing feelings for him. You just need-"
"Cam. I'm going to stop you there." He shuts his mouth and just looks at me. I know he's just trying to help, but he's not. "I appreciate your efforts but I can't. I can't be in a relationship. I don't know how to open myself up emotionally and I don't plan to. If Parsons has feelings for me, he needs to tell me but otherwise, I don't want to have this conversation, okay?" I huff a frustrated sigh at the end.
"Okay, fine. I respect that. Just talk to him, okay?" He holds a pleading look in his caramel eyes and I nod.
"Ready to get started?" He asks.
About an hour so so later, I look at the time on my phone and decide to go home.
"I should get going." I gather all my things before heading back to the front door. "Thanks for the help."
"No problem." He shoots me a small smile and I return the gesture. "Think about what I said, okay?"
"I will." I say this and then head to my car.
Does Parsons have feelings for me?
Is it obvious that we're more than just friends?
Do I look at him a certain way?
I turn on the car and try to suppress my thoughts but fail. I get rid of most thoughts but one keeps returning: Do I have feelings for Parsons?
I was scared to find out the answer.