I had forgotten that today was the day.
I knew I was missing something the moment I woke up, my head was a little foggy from coming home so late. I left shortly after I watched Carter support a stumbling Seren to the car, suddenly not finding a reason to remain at the party.
I didn't know what I was missing though, until my phone pinged with a message from the group chat. The one that O, Gavin and I had, the one that still had Henry's number attached to it.
I felt my stomach lurch as I looked down at the text, the anger inside me bubbling.
We're leaving town at around 6, so we can make it there for the sunset. Cass is bringing some food and drinks, and she said she will drive us home.
Fuck. It's been six months. Officially, half a year since Henry left us. Since he chose to go somewhere we couldn't follow. Since he decided we weren't worth living for. I closed my eyes, focusing on my breathing until the ping of another text filled the air. I let out a breath as I opened my eyes and looked at it.
Zane, you sure you don't want to come? It won't be the same unless we're all together.
I shook my head, biting down on my teeth, feeling the way the muscles in my jaw tensed. Not only were they torturing themselves going there, remembering him and remembering the times we had with him, they were intent on torturing me too.
I stood up from my bed, the feelings that were inside me buzzing through my skin like electricity. I couldn't just sit here today. I couldn't just be here alone. I couldn't, because then I would think about what happened. I pulled on some clothes, I debated even taking my phone with me. I decided I would, but I put it on silent, not wanting to read anything else my friends sent me.
I walked through my empty house, knowing without checking that my parents would be working. Even on a Saturday morning, they had places to be. I was about to walk to the door, but something in me made me turn around. I needed something. I've been good, haven't I? I deserve to not be good. Even if it's just for one night. I needed something to make me forget. Because if I didn't, all I would do is remember.
I walked over to my parents liquor cabinet, grabbing the first full bottle I saw. Bacardi, wasn't my favourite, but it would have to do.
I didn't know where I was going as I got into my car. I had no destination in my mind as I began to drive. I simply turned my music on, blasting it as loud as the speakers would allow. I put on a random playlist, not caring what the songs were. I listened to the first few for a couple of seconds, before pressing skip on each of them.
But the next one, I felt it in my bones as soon as music began to fill the car. I could hear the emotion in the singers voice, the desperation that filled it. I listened to the lyrics, relating to them. But it wasn't until I heard one of the lines, that I knew I would be listening to this song in its entirety.
"Forgive me, I'm trying to find my calling, I'm calling at night. I don't mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl? She's been running through my dreams."
For some reason, my mind flashed to Seren. It was fitting after all, for the month that I've known her, she's been in my head. She's been in my dreams. She was literally the girl of my dreams.
"Even though she doesn't believe in love, he's determined to call her bluff. Who could deny, these butterflies? They're filling his gut."
It was perfect, wasn't it? I had butterflies around her, but she would never know. She'd never feel those butterflies, because she didn't care. About me, or seemingly anyone else.
I looked at my phone, remembering the song title so I could download it later. Remembering Sunday.
After driving for almost an hour, a voice inside my head told me that I needed to stop somewhere. Maybe it was Henry, maybe he was trying to remind me of something. So, I looked around, noticing a small road leading off the one I was currently on. I pulled into it, slowing my car down to try and avoid the bumps and potholes that plagued it. About five minutes later, I noticed a small parking lot.
I turned into it, climbing out of my car. It didn't look to be anywhere special. It was empty, I was the only one here. There were trees surrounding me, but nothing else. I was about to get back in the car, when I noticed a small path leading away from the lot.
I hesitated, but eventually I walked over to it. It looked forgotten, the weeds and brush from the woods taking it over. There were no footprints, and I wonder how long ago it had been forgotten. As I followed it, my hand clasping the bottle of alcohol that I had taken from the car, I wondered what it lead to.
I wasn't expecting what I saw, as the trees came to an end. There was an old bridge, you know the kind of wooden ones that make you wonder how long it's been there. The wood was cracked in places, the colour a dark brown. A river passed beneath it, with larger rocks poking through the water. The best part, however, was the city buildings that were just barely visible past the large trees.
My eyes started to water, as I stood and looked at it. This is exactly the kind of place that Henry would look for. A hidden gem, he would call it. Somewhere lost, or forgotten, or simply unknown. Maybe it was him, after all, that told me to go here.
I plopped down to the ground, twisting the cap off the bottle and guzzling it down. The taste was disgusting, and after a while of not drinking, it was certainly a shock. I didn't let that stop me, however. Like I said, I needed to forget so I didn't remember.
And it worked, for a while. I didn't remember Henry. I watched the water rushing, and the sun move across the sky. I didn't know how long I sat there, drinking the alcohol straight. Once I felt the alcohol, however, the way it made my mind blurry and my limbs heavy, it did the opposite of what I intended.
I could never forget Henry. I knew that, didn't I? For as long as I lived, I'd never forget him.
But, I should have been remembering him for different reasons. I should have been remembering him when I was old, and grey, when I had kids and a wife. I should have been remembering my best friend from when I was a kid, the times we had and the laughs we shared. I should have been wondering what he was doing, where he was in life.
I shouldn't be remembering the way he left me. The way he broke me. I shouldn't be remembering the day he left us, the way I found out. I shouldn't be remembering rushing to his house, banging my fist on the door to demand why he would play a cruel joke like that. I shouldn't be remembering the pain on his mom's face, the way his dad held her as she cried.
I blinked the tears from my eyes, not caring that they spilled over my cheeks. He did this! Henry did this. He had a choice, didn't he? He could have stayed. He could have been here. He could have been with me, but he chose not to. Why?
I picked up the bottle, bringing it to my lips only to find that it was empty. I tightened my grip around it in anger, throwing it with all the strength my weakened muscles could manage. I watched as it hit one of the rocks in the water, the glass smashing into a million pieces.
I looked up into the sky, letting a yell rip from my mouth. I was so fucking angry.
"Zane," a voice startled me. I knew that voice, and I wasn't surprised that they had found me. I turned around, seeing Gavin, O and Cassidy behind me. They were looking at me with sadness in their eyes, their lips all frowning.
"Why the fuck are you here? How'd you even find me?" I slurred at them, my words sounding like Seren's had last night.
"You left your location on, and you know why we're here, man. We're here because we love you," Gavin answered, shaking his head.
The three of them walked towards me, sitting down close to me.
"Shouldn't you be having your little memorial?" I asked them, my tone sharp.
"It's okay to be angry, Zane. It's okay to be hurt," O said gently.
"You know what my question is?" I yelled at them. "Why the fuck aren't you angry? He left all of us! He left you guys too! Do you even care?"
"Of course we care," Gavin answered me.
"Doesn't seem like it. If you cared, you'd be as angry as I am," I muttered.
"You know he didn't do it to hurt us, right?" O asked, titling his head. "He was hurting Zane, Henry was hurting. He did what he thought was the only option."
"That's bullshit," I replied, my voice cracking with emotion. "That's bullshit. He didn't care about us. If he did, he'd be here. We could have helped him! We could have fucking helped him. He didn't give us the fucking chance to help him. I could have helped him. I could have done something."
I was crying at this point, and I didn't care. The pain that had been inside me was finally coming out, and I could stop it.
I lowered my head into my hands, giving way to the sobs that were forming. My friends didn't answer, but they all surrounded me. They put their arms on me, hugging me.
I could have done something.
I could have done something.
I could have helped him. He didn't let me.