Padabog na tinapon ni Ezra ang kaniyang cellphone sa likod pagkapasok ko.
"Hindi sumasagot sina Mommy," malamig niyang sabi.
I sighed and buckled my seatbelt. I know he's worried. Of course, it's his brother. It's Raffy. Atska, pamangkin niya rin ang damay.
Ako mismo, hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko kung makita kong nararanasan ni Raffy ang naranasan ko noon. I would never want to wish that pain upon anyone.
"Are you sure you can drive?" tanong ko sa kaniya. "Ako na, Ez.. kung hindi mo kaya."
Umiling siya. "Kaya ko."
True to his word, we got there in less than fifteen minutes. Nandoon na ang ate ni Raffy at ang kanilang mga magulang.
"Anong nangyari?" tanong ni Ezra kay Franco.
Margaux was talking to her mom and Paul, habang kami naman ay nasa kabilang table. Binigyan sila ng kape ni Franco para maka-kalma.
"Claude and Raffy are both still unconscious." Franco sighed. "It was a drunk driver, I think. Truck daw."
Umiling ako at nagpigil ng iyak.
I can't imagine the worst right now. I just can't.
"Tinawagan na nina Ma sina Tita Jenny," Franco said. "Luca, stay still."
"Come, Luca!" I smiled at Franco's 2 year old son. "Are you hungry?"
Tinignan lang ako ni Luca. He then sat on my lap and started playing with the toy his dad just gave him. He looks just like Margaux and Franco combined.
I smiled bitterly as I thought of what it would be like to have a child of your own. A child that's a half of you, and another half of the person you're completely in love with.
Lumingon ako kay Ezra na seryoso ang mukha habang kausap si Franco. The concern on his face was evident. Alam kong hindi masyadong maganda ang history ni Ezra at Claude, but Ezra is a good man. He genuinely cares for his family, and for other people. He just does a good job at hiding it.
That's the man I'm completely in love with.
"Tulog na?" tanong ni Margaux sa akin.
I nodded and smiled at Luca who was peacefully sleeping in my arms. I handed him to Franco, at dinala niya kaagad ang kanilang anak sa sasakyan nina Tita.
"Bye, Paul. God bless sa exams." I smiled at Paul who was in the front seat. Nahihiya siyang ngumiti sa amin at kumaway.
Ang naiwan sa hospital ay ako, Ezra, Margaux, at Franco. Dumaan na pala si Lia bago pa kami makarating, at babalik rin daw siya mamaya.
Margaux could not stop crying, and I felt her worry. Hindi ko alam kung paano sila tutulungan, kaya nagdasal na lang kami doon sa waiting area. I didn't even realize that we were already there for hours until Natalia and Vale came.
Mabuti nga at nakarating na si Natalia, because Margaux seemed to relax once they started talking. Iniwan na namin sila doon para makabili kami ng pagkain. Vale and Franco also went with us, since the doctor just updated that Claude's already awake.
"Uwi muna kayo, gusto niyo?" tanong ni Vale kay Franco. "Magpahinga muna kayo."
Franco sighed. "Thanks for the thought, man. Pero hindi rin ata papayag si Margaux na umuwi kami, eh."
Tumango si Vale habang naglalakad kami patungo sa parking. "Kayo ba? Ez, Ena?"
"Huh?" I asked immediately.
Ano? Anong kami ba?
"Gusto niyo bang umuwi?" tanong ni Vale.
"Ah." I swallowed and looked over at Ezra who seemed tired. "Ez?"
"Tulog muna ako sa sasakyan," he answered.
Tumango kaming lahat, at dumiretso na siya sa sasakyan niya. I bit my lip as I thought of how heavy everything must be for him. Hindi lang ito ang kailangan niyang isipin. Ang dami pang nangyayari ngayon.
Once Ezra closed his door, I looked over at Vale and Franco who were just about to enter Vale's car.
"Sa labas ba kayo bibili ng pagkain?" tanong ko. "Punta muna ako sa cafeteria nila, kung mayroon man. Bibili lang ako ng tubig, then I'll take a nap, too."
Tumango silang dalawa, kaya naman bumalikas na ako at nagsimulang maglakad patungo sa isang maliit na kainan na malapit sa hospital.
I bought some water, and took a deep breath as the cold Baguio air surrounded me. Umupo ako sa malapit na bench doon sa labas kainan at pinagmasdan ang mga sasakyan na dumadaan.
Everything is going to be okay.
"Ate can I buy a lollipop? That one!" rinig kong tanong ng isang batang babae.
"Thirty five 'yang chupa chups."
"Ahh.."
Pinagmasdan ko yung batang babae. Isang papel na bente lang ang meron siya. Maayos ang buhok niyang naka-braid at may dala pa siyang barbie na bag.
"Here." I handed her a 50 peso bill.
Tinignan niya ako. She was hesitant to even take the money, but she took it anyway and gave me a small smile. Bumili siya ng coke niya at umupo sa tabi ko.
"Thank you po."
I smiled at how well-mannered she is. Maliit lang talaga siya. I'd expect her to be somewhere around grade 1 or grade 2.
"Ilang taon ka na?" tanong ko sa kaniya.
She held up her hand, which showed me five fingers. She's five years old. Bakit naman siya mag-isa dito?
"Are your parents around? Do you need help looking for them?"
Kinagat niya ang pang-ibabaw na labi niya at luminga linga. "Da-da is inside the hospital."
"Do you want to go inside?"
Umiling siya at kumunot ang kaniyang ilong. "I don't like it there. It's dirty."
Tumango ako at tinignan siya nang maigi. "You know.."
Bumaling sa akin yung bata habang binubuksan niya ang lollipop niya.
"I almost had a kid. You would have been the same age."
Kumunot ang noo niya sa akin. "Almost? Muntik?"
I laughed at how high pitched her voice was as she asked in tagalog. I nodded and helped her with the lollipop that she was struggling to open.
Ngumuso yung bata habang nilalahad ko sa kaniya yung lollipop. "Thank you."
Dumating na rin kaagad yung tatay nung bata, at mukhang galing lang siya sa loob nung ospital. I smiled at her father as he panted and fixed his daughter's bag.
"Pasensya na." The dad smiled at me. "She was very persistent about her lollipop. I was looking for her everywhere."
"You have a great kid," I told the dad. "Ayaw niya daw pumasok sa loob, so I stayed with her instead."
"Thank you, ha?" Ngumiti ulit yung tatay sa akin. Mukhang doktor siya sa BGH dahil naka-scrubs pa siya. O baka naman nurse.
Pagka-alis ng mag-ama ay pumasok na ulit ako sa loob ng BGH. I didn't even notice my tears falling until I reached their chapel.
I immediately sat and broke down. Sobrang.. sakit pala. Sobrang sakit isipin na hindi na ako pwedeng magkaroon ng anak. It hurts to think that even the possibility of having one is gone for me now.
And it felt like I was dying when I realized.. hindi ko rin pala makikilala yung anak sana namin ni Ezra. Hindi ko man lang mararanasan na makilala.
But how come.. I actually miss him? Or her? How can you miss someone you've never met? Someone you've never seen? Someone you've never even touched?
I clasped my hands together and closed my eyes.
Sobrang sakit pa rin pala, Lord.
Kahit na nandito si Ezra. Kahit na nandito yung trabaho. Kahit na kumakain ako araw-araw. Kahit na okay naman ang buhay ko ngayon.
Ang sakit pa rin pala.
Would she prefer coke or sprite? Makulit ba siya, tulad ko? Palaban? O baka naman tahimik siya? Anong kulay ng mata niya? Would she have grown up to be a daddy's girl? Would he have grown up to be a momma's boy? Tatawagin niya ba akong Mama? Mommy? Nanay? Magugustuhan niya ba ang science? Kasi ayoko ng math, baka naman mamana niya sa akin 'yon. Pero matalino naman si Ezra sa Math. Baka 'yun yung makuha niya sa daddy niya.
I sobbed so hard as I kneeled. I'm never going to get those questions answered.
Losing a child feels like surviving your own death. I lost more than just an idea, or dream, or future hope... I lost a person.
I never got to hear her cry. I never got to hold her small, tiny hand. I never got to tell her that I love her.. or him.. kung lalaki man siya. I never got to see Ezra's face when he first saw his daughter, or son. Because it never happened.
Umiling ako habang humahagulgol. Nothing could ever ease this pain. Not Ezra, not my friends, not anyone. It's hard to explain to others in a way that's easily understood. No one can ever understand how devastating it feels.
"Except You." I whispered with my hands on my forehead. "You know my pain." I sobbed. "Alam mo kung gaano 'to ka-sakit. Bakit po ba sobrang sakit?"
I wiped off my tears, pero wala namang kwenta 'yon dahil tuloy-tuloy pa rin ang luha ko.
"Sana na-yakap ko man lang, Lord." I sighed. "Sana nahawakan ko man lang. Sana naranasan ko man lang maging.. maging magulang niya."
My hands were shaking. I felt the pain physically, in my chest. It felt like I was drowning in my own tears, in my own sadness.
"God, I just want some peace." I let out a breath. "Please, Lord. Ikaw lang naman makakapagbigay no'n sa akin."
I continued to clasp my hands together. Narinig kong bumukas ang pintuan ng chapel, pero mag-hahating gabi na kaya naman hindi ko na tinignan. I kept my eyes closed. Whoever is here must be as desperate as I am for comfort.
"Ena."
Ezra's familiar voice made me open my eyes. Umupo siya sa tabi ko at hinagod niya ang likod ko habang ako naman ay umupo ulit.
"Hey." Malambing ang boses niya. "Breathe.."
Umiling ako habang naka-baon ang mukha ko sa dibdib niya. He kept his hand on my back as I cried on his chest.
"Six years." I said through my sobs. "Anim na taon na ang nakalipas. Hindi ko naman siya nakita. Hindi ko siya nakilala. Pero miss na miss ko na siya."
Six years has been a long time, and they said time heals everything. But.. what if time doesn't actually heal anything? What if time just helps you manage the pain? What if time just helps you forget the way that it hurt?
Ezra placed his hand on the back of my head and caressed it. Nagbuntong hininga siya.
"I'm sorry." His voice broke. "I'm really, really sorry."
Napapikit ulit ako sa sakit. Ang sakit marinig ang boses niyang gano'n. Ang sakit isipin na sinisisi niya ang sarili niya.
"At least hindi siya nahirapan, diba?" Ezra said, trying his best to stop himself from letting out a breath. "Our child didn't have to feel any pain."
Tumango ako at umupo nang maayos. Ezra wiped my tears off and gave me a small smile.
"Raffy won't go through the same thing," I told him. "Right?"
"Oo naman." His voice almost sounded like a whisper. "Malakas sila."
I nodded and looked back down. Pinagdasal naming dalawa sina Raffy at bumalik na rin kaagad sa taas pagkatapos tumawag ni Ezra kay Franco dahil parating na raw sina Tita Jenny.
"Thank God." Margaux sighed as the doctor updated them about Raffy's surgery.
Ngumiti ako sa kanila. I knew she'd make it.
"Nakita niyo na si Claire?" tanong ni Franco sa amin.
"Claire?" Humalukipkip si Ezra. "Kapangalan ni Natalia, ah."
"Oo, gano'n ako ka-special." Ngumisi si Natalia.
"Crazy." Umiling si Vale habang umaakbay sa kaniya.
Ezra and I went to the NICU once Lia arrived. Halos kasabay niya sina Tita Jenny kaya naman nag-stay silang lahat sa kwarto ni Claude at nagkamustahan.
"She's so pretty." I smiled as I looked at baby Claire. "So.. tiny."
Nagbuntong hininga si Ezra at tumango. Tuminignan ko siya nang maigi, at kitang kita ang tuwa sa mga mata niya. I smiled as he watched his newborn niece.
"Pakiramdam ko babae siya," Ezra softly said, still looking at his niece.
"Claire is a girl, Ez."
Umiling si Ezra at tumingin sa akin. "I mean.. our.."
"Oh." I nodded and bit my lip. Deep down, I felt like she would have been a girl, too. "Ako rin."
I felt his hand hold mine, which made me glance at him. He smiled at me as we stood there in silence.
And suddenly, a sense of calmness ran over me. It wasn't.. pain, or loneliness, or hurt, or anger.
It's peace.