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I T' S A L L G L O O M
A N D D O O M
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Nobody had really seen Harley except Big John. When he was around, which wasn't often anymore, he'd check in on his little girl and make sure she was okay and functioning. She didn't really leave her room or move from her bed, so he'd leave food or snacks sometimes.
Ever since Rafe tried to drown her, Harley had been very vacant. She hadn't felt like getting up, eating or going outside. The whole ordeal kept replaying in her mind. Everything he said and did. How she was nothing without him. She had no friends or blood family. She wasn't smart. How at the end of it all she was a Pogue, and to him, Pogues were the lowest of the low. It was so easy for Harley to sink into a gloom that felt immense and unshakable. Why try fighting it when there's nobody on the other side waiting for you?
Harley rolled onto her side and looked out the window. It was sort of sunny and definitely no longer the morning. She had slept through.
"Harley... are you up?" John B's questioning voice hummed through the closed door. He tapped twice and repeated himself before pushing it open.
Harley didn't bother rolling over, instead she shut her eyes.
"Lee?"
"Mmm."
The bed dipped and his hand touched her arm. "Do you want to come outside? The others are here. We're just hanging out."
"They don't like me."
"That's not true."
It was. It had been like this since they assumed she was choosing the Kooks over them. It didn't seem to matter that she was essentially neither, though she had been branded the Castaway.
"It's fine. I just want to stay here."
"What about coming to the kitchen? I can make you a smoothie and pancakes."
"Thank you. But no thanks."
Harley could hear John B's sigh. He had been trying to get her to be her old self for some time. At first he thought she was ill and had kept asking his dad if Harley was alright. Then he had tried to speak to her though her door, in a bid to give her privacy. However, he grew worried pretty fast when he rarely saw her around the house. She hadn't even left to see Rafe like she usually would, which led him to think they had broken up. Maybe Harley was heartbroken. That thought made John B angry at Rafe. How could he break Harley's heart? She was the sweetest, kindest person ever.
"Lee, you have to eat something. Dad's been pretty AWOL lately. So it's just you and me. I don't mind making you something." John B was practically pleading. The last time he had seen her eat anything was a day ago and it had only been a snack bar. He wasn't sure if not eating could contribute to seizures, but either way he didn't want anything to happen to Harley.
Harley, nor JJ, had mentioned the seizure she had suffered the day she had come back drenched and depressed. She hadn't even mentioned it to Big John.
The other Pogues had been curious as to what was going on, even trying to overhear conversations across the island. They had ended up at the Wreck at the same time as some Kooks, including Rafe and Topper. They had heard Harley's name mentioned at one point. Both boys had seemed to get worked up. Where Rafe looked pissed and hostile, as usual, Topper looked more regretful and annoyed. The conversation appeared to be dropped just as fast as it had come up, but they did notice that Rafe looked to be perfectly fine otherwise. No signs of sadness. No signs of heartbreak.
"I'm just tired," Harley murmured and pulled the covers up to her chin. "Sorry."
She'd never want to be mean to John B, so this was the best response she could muster up. Hopefully, he'd get that she simply wanted to be alone, negative thoughts and all.
"Did something happen with you and Rafe? He hasn't come here to take you out for a while."
Harley's body tensed up beneath the thick covers at the thought of her ex-boyfriend. She opened her eyes and stared at the wall, not wanting to give herself the chance to replay events behind her eyes.
"Nothing has happened."
"You would tell me if something did, right? You're like my little sister, you can tell me anything."
"I know."
No other words were exchanged and Harley showed no sign of moving, so John B left her to herself.
A nagging feeling made her feel like she should have just told John B and John. They'd know what to do and John worked with Mr Cameron so he could have spoken to him about it. But what if it caused drama between the two and affected John's working relationship with Mr Cameron? She couldn't risk that. There was also Billie. Harley could tell her, but what could she do about it?
The thought alone of having the situation dealt with was overwhelming. Harley had enough of cops and all of the questioning. She was tired of nurses and doctors poking and prodding at her. She just wanted to stay in her bubble, where she was safe and nobody could hurt or bother her. Where she wouldn't be pressured into taking drugs or drinking. Where she couldn't be made to feel stupid or worthless. Where there was no Rafe. No Kooks or Pogues. No kidnappers. Just Harley.
⚓
Outside Harley's window had turned pitch black. The sun had vanished an age ago and the clouds had long blended into the sky. The Pogues had moved inside not long ago, Harley could hear them.
She could hear that somebody was coming down the hall. The footsteps slowed at her door. She took a deep breath preparing for John B to enter again to try and get her to join them in whatever they were doing.
"Well isn't this depressing..."
Harley could have rolled her eyes.
JJ's lax comment hung in the air as he switched on her light and strolled to her window to carelessly close her curtains.
JJ held up a white paper bag and shook it a little. "John B made me bring you food. If you don't eat it, I will."
He placed the bag on her night stand before taking a seat on the floor.
Now Harley had no option but to stare at him unless she shut her eyes again.
"You look like shit, Eight Bait."
Harley's eyes narrowed in annoyance. Her lips pursed.
JJ's eyes followed along with the movement of Harley's lips before flashing back to her eyes with his own devious glint. He liked irritating her. It made his heart beat that little bit faster and he liked the way she stared at him.
"What do you want, JJ?" Harley wasn't in the mood to exchange jabs with the ruffled blonde. She barely had it in her to talk.
"To check up on the biggest recluse on the island."
Harley grumbled a mediocre response and folded her pillow over her head to try and block out JJ. He always found a way to get under her skin or say the wrong things. Sometimes all he had to do was look at her a certain way and her skin would begin to heat up.
She didn't understand why he always had to make it a point to verbalise and express his dissent towards her very existence. Did it never get tiring? Why did she bother him so much? Not even she cared that much.
The room went quiet for a bit. There was the sound of clothes rustling, then nothing again. After a few moments Harley decided to peek out from under her pillow.
There on the floor was JJ messing with some kind of silver object. His eyes were already fixated on Harley, an almost bored expression present. Almost. There was a glimmer in his eyes that stopped them from being glacial.
"What's going on with you?" JJ questioned putting away his object.
Harley had his full attention and yet still didn't know what to say. Well, she knew what she could say, but the idea of Rafe and what he had done made her shy away from telling anyone. Not even John, John B or Billie knew. She had turned up to work a few times then fallen off the grid. Her phone had remained off in a bid to not see the angry texts from Rafe. However, it also meant she had numerous missed calls from Topper and a few check up texts from John B every now and then.
"Nothing. I'm not feeling well."
"Right. You're a shitty liar. I'm sure I've told you that before." He shuffled closer so he could lean against her bed and look to his right to talk to Harley. "I don't know if I imagined this, but the other day... I could have sworn you had a bruise on your neck. Yeah. I'm sure I did. Does that have something to do with it?"
Harley missed a beat. It was written across her startled face and yet she still tried to play it off. "If you're talking about when you were high and touching my neck, then yes you definitely imagined it. I had an allergic reaction, remember?"
"To what?"
"...something in the food."
"I'm dumb, but I'm not stupid, Harley."
"What?"
"If this is linked to Rafe..." JJ sat up getting visibly worked up over whatever he was thinking. "If he put his hands on you, then you need to tell me right now."
"He didn't do anything, JJ."
"That's why it looked like you wanted to cry. I'm so sick of that prick. He can't do shit like that and get away with it. You don't put your hands on a woman."
"JJ will you calm down. He didn't do anything."
"Why are you lying for him? I can see it in your eyes. I know exactly what you're doing, but that scumbag doesn't deserve you protecting him. You need to show him he can't do shit like that to you and get away with it. You won't be pushed around."
"What do you want me to do? Key his car."
"Yes! That's a start. Hit him where it hurts. You're Harley Routledge and you live in the Cut. You ain't no bitch. And you won't let a bitch treat you like shit. In life you have to stick up for yourself so people know not to mess with you. You let them know that they may think low of you but you don't give a shit. The fact you're so nice and sweet to everyone is a magnet for people fucking you over."
"I can't just be mean to everyone."
In actuality, she could be. It was something Harley had to assess for herself. The balance between being a lovely person and being taken advantage of. Maybe the Kooks never had her best interest at heart and saw her as a new, shiny plaything. Now that they didn't find her interesting anymore they've shown their true colours and tossed her aside. Or maybe that was just the Cameron kids, royalty of the island.
Shockingly, Harley found that there might just be some truth to what JJ was saying. If she didn't want people to keep abandoning her then she had to toughen up. They kept leaving because she was so easy to leave aside. Her family had done it. Then the other Pogues. Now Rafe and Sarah. Who was next?
Some way, somehow it felt inevitable that they'd leave and it hurt more and more every time. Something had to change.
⚓
The switch to a new Harley Routledge was a gradual process. Since talking to JJ, Harley stayed lifeless in bed for a few more days.
Wednesday marked the day Harley dragged herself out of bed and showered. She had woken up before John B or any of the others who had crashed at theirs.
Harley slipped on a hoodie that was way too big and left the château. She slowly strolled to the nearest shop and found herself in an aisle filled from top to bottom with boxes of hair dye. She had been craving a change and maybe a new appearance would bring back some kind of confidence and motivation. That or she'd simply have a new look.
Her eyes scoured the shelf of blue and black boxes with pictures of women with subtle to vivid hair colours. There were so many options, too many options. She reached for the ends of her hair and twirled the chocolatey brown tresses around her fingers as she stared down at her hands. Maybe a haircut would be good too.
Harley paid no mind to the gentle jingle of the shops door, as she reached for a box of silver hair dye. Her eyes ran over the small, white lettering across the back, but her ears picked up on a cocky voice which definitely belonged to Rafe.
"The alloys and paint job have been done, so Friday afternoon they're dropping off my convertible."
"I wish I had your dad sometimes. He does everything for you dude."
The feeling of dread that overcame her felt surreal. Harley wanted to be far from him right now.
In her haste she shelved the box of silver dye and grabbed another random box, before hightailing it to the counter and out of the door. It was insane to comprehend that at one point she had liked that boy. He was so sweet and caring at first, however the smooth change in his behaviour was what was unnerving. Harley hadn't even seen it coming. Then to drown her... Rafe was definitely unhinged.
The white, windowed door chimed behind Harley as she lurched out into the fresh air. She gulped down huge inhales of air having not realised she'd held her breath for so long. She placed her hand against her chest to ease the thudding of her heart, as she peeked back through the stores window.
It took fragments of a second for Harley's eyes to be attracted to Rafe who also looked over at the same time. He appeared to be a statue as their stares turned more than fleeting. Something kicked him into gear, he whispered to his friend and then side stepped him heading toward the store entrance.
Harley realised he was heading toward her and spun in the opposite direction speed walking away. She didn't want to deal with him right now, despite what JJ had said to her.
"Harley!"
She ignored his call, not daring to glance back.
"Harls! Wait. Let's just talk!"
She clutched at her box of hair dye and quickened her steps.
"Harley!"
Before Harley could register anything, her body was being spun around by Rafe's firm hold. It felt like she had been touched by the gelid hands of winter himself. The feeling of her skin turning cold and her hairs standing to attention, yet her heart gushing scorching blood was intensely scary. When she stared into Rafe's, once warm and homely, eyes all she could see was herself being forced beneath water.
"Why are you running away from me?" Rafe questioned incredulously. His genuine look of bewilderment was confusing to Harley. Did he not remember what he'd done to her? "Hello."
"Let go of me, please." She tried to pull away only for Rafe to tug her back.
"What is wrong with you? You haven't spoken to me in days."
Taken aback, Harley's brows scrunched up and her lips parted. Tears were pooling along her eyes whilst her skin began to flush. "You tried to drown me," She spluttered quietly.
Harley's complexion ruddied further when all Rafe did was snicker in her face.
"That never happened, Harley. I never drowned you." He spoke seriously.
Harley was finding it harder to stammer a response as her mind spun. "But. Yes, you did."
"I held you underwater for a little, because my sister told me how you've been cheating on me. But that's it. I could have done way worse, considering what you've done. And I've forgiven you for it, too."
No words could express the cyclone of emotions Harley felt. Rafe was messing with her head and she was just letting him, because she didn't know how to deal with it.
"Will you let go of me, please." She wanted to go back to her room where she was safe. Nothing could harm her in those four walls. No kidnappers. No Rafe. No anybody.
"Not until we talk about this. Your memory is clearly playing up."
"Rafe, let go."
There was a tussle between the two. Harley was pulling back trying to be free of him, but every time she pulled back he pulled her towards him twice as hard. He kept spewing words at her that weren't making sense anymore. She just kept repeating over and over that she wanted him to let go. To release her arm. The whole thing was a flurry of movement, sight and sound and it was sending her into sensory overload.
Usually, Rafe was so attentive when it came to Harley. He made it his job to always make sure she was okay and comfortable, yet here he was disregarding all of that. Not even her tears made him stop.
"Hey!"
Rafe's head whipped around, but Harley stayed frozen staring at him.
"What do you think you're doing? Is Rafe bothering you, Harley?" Billie came storming over, a look of astonished disgust written explicitly across her features.
"We're fine. She's fine." Rafe retorted.
"Harley doesn't look okay, kid. And it seems like you're the issue"
"She's my girlfriend. You know that."
"That doesn't mean anything. So, let her go or I can make you."
Rafe thought about it. Obviously, a little too long because Billie stepped forward; that coupled with Rafe's friend stepping out of the shop and calling him seemed to make him rethink. He let go of Harley's arm and made a point of stepping back whilst glaring daggers at Billie.
"Great choice," She remarked with a taunting smile, before turning her attention to her employee. She stepped in front of Harley, to block her view of Rafe, and rubbed her arms soothingly. "Are you alright?"
Harley shook her head quickly. "No," she choked out amidst an onslaught of tears.
Billie wrapped an arm around her and guided Harley to her car. She opened the passenger door and sat Harley half in the seat. By now Harley was bawling her eyes out. Billie crouched in front of Harley and rubbed her leg soothingly in a motherly type of way. Or at least that's what Harley imagined it to be like.
"What was that about?"
Harley couldn't get the words out. Her cheeks were saturated, her throat tight and lips sealed shut from the tears.
"Was it to do with why you've been off work?"
Harley nodded.
Billie sighed in understanding. She wasn't going to pry any further until Harley felt okay to talk, however there was one burning question she knew she had to ask straight away. "He hasn't hurt you before has he?"
Still in a state, Harley didn't realise she was nodding until she stopped and even then she didn't have the energy to try and play it off.
"Okay. Well, we're going to go to the Sheriff and have her deal with him."
Harley shook her head. She couldn't say why, but she did not want the law involved.
"Somebody has to deal with him, Harley." Billie protested. "He doesn't get to just hurt you and get away with that."
JJ's words rung through her mind.
"I don't want to," Harley hiccupped out. "Please. I really don't want to."
"Okay. Okay." Billie stood up and stroked Harley's hair out of her face. She spied the box of hair dye and said, "How about I go shut the garage and we go get smoothies? Then we can try and dye your hair, huh?"
Harley sniffled. She was a snotty, red, teary mess, but she still forced out a smile for her sister figure. She nodded and wiped at her eyes with her sleeves.
Billie waited for Harley to turn and get her legs in and situated before shutting the door. She slid into her own seat and peered over to Harley.
"He's definitely an ex-boyfriend, okay? You don't go near him and if I see him around the garage again I won't be responsible for what I do to him."
Harley nodded. She would be avoiding Rafe like the plague from now on.