I press my finger down on the doorbell and gulp. So much for spending time with my family in Busan. It's only been about twenty-four hours since I've gotten that call from Yeosang – but here I am already, back in Seoul, and in front of Hongjoong's studio.
I've known Yeosang, Hongjoong and Seonghwa for almost a month – but right now it feels like I'm starting at zero again. Or below zero. Minus ten or something.
My social skills are crap, and I don't even know if I can call the three guys in that studio still my friends, because we haven't really talked since the day they've excluded San and Jongho from our performance at the Festival of Lights.
Relax.
Hopefully Hongjoong will open the door; it's his studio after all, and he's also taking care of the music, and I don't know about the choreographies, but-
Relax.
Or maybe not Hongjoong. Maybe Seonghwa would be better; Seonghwa with his everything's gonna be alright-smile, although that kind of wouldn't fit the situation, since Yeosang is probably still mad at me, because even though he didn't sound mad over the phone, this doesn't have to mean anything; he could still glare at me or slam the door shut in my face for all I know-
Relax.
As long as it's not Yeosang opening the door, I should be fine.
The door opens, and I stand face to face with Yeosang.
"I've talked to Jimin", I blurt out.
I didn't think about mentioning this on the phone yesterday. "I've talked to him, and I apologized, and I kind of screwed up again too, but we are talking, and I'll meet him on Monday before uni to, uh... to talk a little more. And to figure stuff out." I take a deep breath. "Together."
Together. I don't know what the fuck I should do if Jimin wants us to be together – holding hands, kissing... dating. Because I've come to realize that I do want all of that. But I want it with San.
Yesterday, in Busan, after I've told my parents a slightly censored version of Friday night's events, and after they made me admit that I like San – like, like like (Doyoung's words) – they both basically gave me the same advice: I should try my best, do everything I can, in order to show San how much I like him. To, hopefully, eventually, make him trust me again.
As if I hadn't already figured that part out myself.
On the train ride back to Seoul, I've rehearsed my apology to San about a dozen times. I'd also considered calling him, but ultimately decided against it, because there are still some blanks in my apology that I don't know how to fill out, and for that, I need to speak with Jimin first. I can't tell San that I've broken it off with Jimin – this time for real – if I haven't done so yet. I can't just give him a half-assed apology. San deserves a complete apology, without any blanks or question marks.
He didn't deserve me leaving him on Saturday morning, after our Friday night, either, but it's too late to change that now. All I can do is try my best to make up for it.
Oh, and of course there's Jimin too. I still wish that there'd be an alternative to outright rejecting him, because rejecting him means hurting him, and I've done that enough already. Kissing Jimin on Friday was my mistake – so how is it fair that he's the one who's gonna get hurt?
'It's good that you're trying to sort things out with him', Mom had assured me, 'but don't let him get between you and San.' Maybe just this once, I should listen to her, although she doesn't even know about the first time I turned Jimin down, which makes it about twice as bad.
'Wooyoung isn't dumb', was Doyoung's comment on that, ''course he will.'
Dad had nodded and told me that he's never seen me in love before, so I should definitely try anything and everything in order to show San that I truly love him.
Of course I had to intervene there, because I know that I like San a fucking lot; more than any other person I know – but... loving San? Real love? I don't think so... Not yet, at least. Although I can picture it frighteningly clearly how I might come to love San over time if he lets me.
God, I just wanna get this all over with. Talk to Jimin, reject him, apologize; apologize to San and confess that I like him. I just want to ask him out and spend the next few days desperately racking my brain for cute, awesome, unique ideas for our first date.
My trip to Busan has only brought me to two realizations. First: I need to visit my family more often. And second: their advice is shit, because I've already been aware of everything they've told me, so nothing of it was the solution my problems.
I sigh, and then I blink. Yeosang is staring at me, a bewildered expression on his face. Then his lips lift into one of the most timid and awkward smiles I have ever seen on him. "Hello to you too, Wooyoung."
"Hi", I say. "So. I've talked to him."
"Okay..." Yeosang takes a step back. "Come on in. And... just so you know... you don't need to be so nervous about talking to me. Sorry."
I stare at him. "For what?"
"I guess I could've been a bit less... harsh on Monday. It wasn't my business after all."
"I'm glad you called me out on it", I reply, slowly following him through the corridor and into the studio. The room is impressively big and neatly organized, although Hongjoong and Seonghwa aren't present like I assumed they would be. "Jimin deserved an apology."
Yeosang hums. "Okay... I'm not sorry then?", he states, arching an eyebrow.
I shrug. "Whatever."
"I was joking. I am sorry."
If I thought that Yeosang was awkward before, this is multiple dimensions further into the awkward-verse. His cheeks have turned a bright tomato-red.
Yeosang reaches up to scratch his neck, then he clears his throat loudly while shutting the door behind me. "So, where in your apology to Jimin did you fuck up?"
Placing my shoes next to the door, I flinch from the unexpected question. "... I'll tell you another time, okay?" Preferably at a time when I've solved all of it – God, please let me solve this mess quickly.
Yeosang shrugs, although he looks the slightest bit disappointed. "Fair enough."
"Where are Seonghwa and Hongjoong?", I want to know, looking around once more. The studio is huge, high windows along one wall, another wall covered in high mirrors – this place screams upper-class. It must've cost a fortune. Who is paying for this? Hongjoong's parents? Or Hongjoong himself? - No, no way. He's still a student after all.
Wordlessly, Yeosang points at the only other door in the room. He makes a face. "Hongjoong was feeling stressed out... and I guess when you rang the bell, they kinda took it as their cue to leave and..." relieve some stress.
I probably look equally as uncomfortable as Yeosang when we hear some rumbling and... That was a moan, wasn't it?
"Let's play some music", I quickly suggest. "The new song that we're gonna create the choreo to?"
"Sure." Yeosang almost sprints over to the corner with a laptop, mixer, and speakers. Seconds later, a song booms through the speakers, so loud it almost makes me jump out of my skin. Yeosang immediately turns it about forty decibels down. "Sorry!"
"Don't worry 'bout it!"
It only takes me two more seconds to get that this song is absolutely exhilarating, excelling all my expectations. "Is that really our song? Did Hongjoong and Seonghwa write it?" The beat is urging me on to dance in a way that I haven't felt in a long time.
"Hongjoong composed it and Seonghwa sang the demo version", Yeosang answers, just as the first verse starts. Beam me up, beam me up, urin yodongchideut chumchweo everyday...
"Wow." The need to dance gets stronger, a tickling sensation in my fingers and toes. I'm really glad now that San made me promise I wouldn't drop out of this Festival of Lights-project. The song is already awesome, despite the heavy flash of guilt I feel again at the thought of San.
"Do you want to dance?", I ask Yeosang.
He looks hesitant. "We haven't gotten started on the choreography yet..."
"Who cares, come on!" I walk into the middle of the studio, dragging Yeosang with me. "Just dance. Anything. Improvise. It's fun. Trust me."
Slowly, Yeosang starts moving to the beat, tune, rhythm, melody. With every passing second he looks a bit less tense, so I decide to join in, doing some ridiculous moves to make him laugh – and just like that, we've started goofing around on the dance floor.
About ten minutes later, the other door to the studio opens and Seonghwa and Hongjoong come in. I immediately stop with the Breakdance freeze on the floor that had made blood rush up to my head and scramble to stand up, feeling a little dizzy. Yeosang does one last 180 degree-jump, punching the air or whatever, before he comes to a halt next to me.
"Ah, hey, Wooyoung!", Hongjoong exclaims, "there you are!"
"Acting as if he didn't hear the bell half an hour ago", Yeosang mumbles into my ear.
"Hello Wooy-" Seonghwa stops mid-word, coughing. "Um. Glad you could make it."
"Yeah, me too", I mumble and try to ignore the painfully obvious hints on what the two have been doing.
Yeosang walks over to the laptop in the corner to pause the fourth repetition of our song, Pirate King.
The following silence is weird, but not for the reasons I'd imagined: it's not weird because of me but because of Hongjoong's and Seonghwa's little stress-relieving session that we are all well aware of.
"So", Hongjoong clears his throat, probably in an attempt to bring everyone's focus back to the topic at hand. "What do you think of the song, Wooyoung?"
"It sounds awesome", I answer. "It honestly sounds like it could become a real hit – it's energetic, it's got an awesome beat, nice lyrics... I like it a lot."
Hongjoong beams at me.
Now Seonghwa is the one to clear his throat and take a step forward. "That's good to hear. But... there is something about this choreo we're gonna make that we didn't tell you yesterday."
"Yes, change of plans", Hongjoong quips and claps his hands. "We'll be creating a choreo for eight. Seonghwa and I have already adjusted the other four choreos for eight people, but we were a bit stuck with this one... We needed some new ideas, so Seonghwa had the idea of asking you two for help-"
"We're gonna be eight people now?", I interrupt him. "Who else will be there?"
I feel like I know the answer even before Hongjoong opens his mouth: "San and Jongho."
San and Jongho.
San.
"And we will be there too", Seonghwa adds, "Hongjoong and I. We thought that, since we're already making this project a lot bigger than we originally planned... We might as well go all in."
"We're also sorry about San and Jongho", Hongjoong throws in. "About leaving them out. We didn't really think that far ahead to realize that they would be hurt. But now we've talked to our mentoring teachers and convinced them that a team of eight would be even better for a performance such as we have in mind, and we were still able to revise our registration form to state that we're eight, because the official application portal only closes at 12pm today."
"How are eight people better? Hadn't you already planned way ahead when you decided on four?", Yeosang butts in.
Hongjoong smiles a smile that resembles more a grimace. "We did. We had also decided to make it a team of four because four people are so few that it would've been relatively easy to handle. But our mentoring teachers liked our arguments, I think. We've talked to them about how eight people, if dancing in sync, would make the performance even more energetic and impressive, and how great it would be for Seonghwa and me to not only write our thesis about this performance from an outsider perspective but also know what it's like to be a part of it."
Hongjoong pauses, but when Yeosang and Seonghwa and I stay silent, waiting for him to go on, he continues: "Anyways – from tomorrow on, we've got about four weeks to prepare for the auditions. It's gonna be tough, because Seoul Uni only gets to send a maximum of twenty-seven performance teams to the festival, and I've heard that there are at least forty groups who have already applied by now..." Hongjoong trails off, frowning, before he turns to Seonghwa: "It was twenty-seven, right?"
Seonghwa hesitates – then he nods.
"Okay." Hongjoong takes a deep breath. "Good. Yeosang, Wooyoung. I want you both to know that there's a lot at stake for us. If we don't make it through that audition, Seonghwa and I'll have lost our bachelor thesis, which means that we can basically forget the next year in which we wanted to start with our master's degree, Music Management... And I will- ah, never mind. It's an excellent chance for you two though. For all of you. The Festival of Lights is almost nationally advertised and, quite frankly, Wooyoung, I don't get how you've never heard of it before."
"I think I did hear of it..." It just never made it past the initial oh look, this event sounds kinda cool into my head for actual consideration. "My old uni didn't send any performers there though."
Hongjoong dismisses it with a wave of his hand. "I know they don't. The Seoul and the South Korea University are the only ones who've got spots saved for their students there."
Well then.
A short silence ensues.
"Alright", Yeosang clears his throat, "are you finished now? So that we can actually start with that choreography?"
"Yes, of course." Hongjoong nods, although he doesn't take a single step to his music equipment. "I just want you to know that this is serious. You've agreed to this, and I hope you are aware what exactly that all entails, because you need to put a lot of training and your best efforts into the preparation for both the auditions and for the festival itself. I only... Please don't drop out. It was already enough of a hassle to convince the teachers that we chose you not because we're friends with you but because of your performing qualities. I don't want this all to be in vain."
"But that was kind of a lie, wasn't it?", Yeosang questions, crossing his arms impatiently. "That you only chose us for our performance? - Yah, why are you glaring at me like this? I'm just saying there are a lot of awesome performers at our uni. It's not that Wooyoung, Jongho, San, Mingi, Yunho or I are bad – but the chances that you would've chosen us if you weren't friends with us are pretty low, right?"
"I guess you're not completely wrong", Seonghwa admits after a short pause.
"But", Hongjoong adds pointedly, "you are the best choice we could've made because of our friendship too. Performing needs chemistry between all members, and we've already got that for sure."
Well. I wonder what chemistry they'll see between San and me. Hopefully it'll be the good kind.
San. Oh my god. San will be ecstatic about the news. Maybe his grandparents can come to see him performing on the festival. They will be so proud. His parents will be so proud too.
Something tugs at my heart as I imagine San with sparkling eyes, wide grin, and deep dimples upon hearing the news. How he would turn and look at me disbelievingly as though asking for validation – and when I'd nod, he'd give me the most beautiful smile and throw himself into my arms, and then he would loop his arms around my neck and lean in to kiss me in front of all our friends, Jimin and anyone else be damned-
"Wooyoung?"
I snap out of my sweet daydream and blink. "Yeah?"
"I was saying", Hongjoong repeats, apparently, "that Seonghwa and I once made a kind of collab with this one US-American dancer. When we told her about this project, she sent us a video as a suggestion for the choreo in the refrain. Which means that today we could try to create choreos for the verses and patch it all up together into one big choreography at the end."
"Sounds good." I still can't get the image of a beaming San out of my head. "When do we tell them?"
"What?" Hongjoong looks confused, his eyes darting back and forth between me and Seonghwa as if asking his boyfriend for help. "Tell who wha-"
"Tomorrow at lunch", Seonghwa answers calmly. "We want to tell them all together."
Tomorrow at lunch. Oh god. That's still way too far away. That's- what, a bit less than twenty-four hours? I don't wanna wait – I want to tell San right now.
I want to tell him and make him happy, although I did nothing myself to contribute to this change of plans. But it's just... happy San is just the most beautiful San.
"Wooyou-oung." Yeosang waves a hand in front of my eyes.
"I'm here", I reply hastily.
"No, you're not." Yeosang snickers and crosses his arms. "Do you want to get something off your chest or should we start? Because Hongjoong is going to get the video of the choreo for the refrain right now."
Of course I would love to talk with someone else besides my parents and my little brother about San. But telling Yeosang everything and hoping that he will wish me luck for my talk with Jimin so that I can ask San out afterwards is probably too much to ask for. He might still be into San for all I know.
"Let's get started", I tell Yeosang and Hongjoong, and shake my head to get rid of any further thoughts about San.
A/N: So Wooyoung has finally started to grasp the fact that he hurt San (which will definitely have more consequences than just the need for a thought-through apology)
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Woo and San will cross paths pretty soon again, we'll see how that goes👀
I'm gonna go and check Deja Vu and the rest of their songs out now😯 Ly, and see you in the next chapter🧡