Chapter 26 Ego
While Sam lets YU feed him the entire soup and then finally feeds him to the last spoonful, YU remains a child.
He fully enjoys the process of feeding each other.
He looks at Sam with loving and caring eyes as he holds the next spoon in front of his mouth. And his beaming of joy when Sam grants him entrance stirs Sam.
As if he wants to imbue him with his love.
The most primal form of the basic need is hunger.
All basic needs result in the same form of expression.
Hunger.
The urge to be satisfied.
And a mother's love satisfies the infant's hunger.
In all facets innate in us from birth.
Fear wants to be comforted.
Anger wants to be heard.
Love wants to be experienced.
Actio, Reactio.
To feel hunger and know that it is seen, heard.
Seeing and satisfying the hunger of others.
In all cultures, the eating of food is celebrated in ceremonies. To eat is to satisfy. To show one another that one has been satisfied.
A strong ego can develop in this cycle of giving and receiving.
The unsatisfied hunger lingers and is stored as worthlessness.
I am not worth loving.
I am not worth giving my love.
A stagnant hunger that remains without expectations.
That is not worth feeding.
And Sam sees how YU with each spoonful, increases his own worth.
Each bite Sam swallows with delight and grateful eyes. He groans and sighs with gustatory excitement. With each bite, he ponders a new sound that will convince YU how delicious his homemade dish is. How much he enjoys every bite. How grateful he is that YU exists.
In the kitchen, YU can be heard laughing and chuckling loudly, and Sam's deep voice:
"Mhmmmm!", or , "Woooow!", or, "Oh my God!", "Uhhhhhh!", or "Mega!", or, "No, you can't have that, you cooked that yourself? Delicious! Mhmmmm!", or, "Awesome, YU, Awesome!", or "Ahhhh!"
Sam enjoys YU's happy laughter. His eyes glaze over as he laughs out his relief.
And then, when it's Sam's turn, a calm descends.
Sam sees how YU feels loved with each spoon feeding him.
Sam's deep gaze penetrates YU, comforting him as he takes in each bite.
YU's sudden lump in his throat makes it difficult for him to swallow.
Sam sees the sad change in YU's eyes and understands that it is easier to give than to receive.
YU has yet to open himself up to being loved.
And so, with his free hand, he takes YU's. He holds YU's hand, cold as always, in his and squeezes it.
With each bite, he strokes his hand. Warms it. Pulls it to his mouth to kiss it. To let his cheek rest on it. To let it disappear into his fist. Pressing it to his heart.
YU's hand in Sam's.
YU feels Sam's warmth and lets it cradle him.
He takes in every spoonful of soup and lets it warmth take him in.
The lump opens. The warmth moves in.
A warm shower of healing love envelops YU.
And YU allows it to happen.
He is worthy of being loved.
He allows it.
His ego is ready to exist again.
Willing to fight.
To assert himself.
To make his own decisions.
To love and be loved.
The feeding ceremony, performed with love, ends and they sit across from each other smiling.
Sam feels exhilarated. He feels a mother's love floating inside him.
All his love is directed toward YU. Unconditionally. Transmitted by YU.
"Shall we go for a walk? Maybe to Plötzensee Park?" asks Sam, hoping to awaken memories in YU's consciousness.
YU nods. Smiles. And nods again.
They stand up and get ready.
Sam is a little uneasy about the silence.
He's worried about YU.
But it could also be that YU is letting the ceremony sink in. He's acting inconspicuous right now.
They put on their jackets and as they open the front door, YU notices something else.
"Sam, your voice recorder is still on the windowsill in the kitchen. Do you want me to put it in my bag?" asks YU, running into the kitchen.
Sam's heart skips a beat. His stomach tingles. His cheeks flush.
"That's nice of you, thank you, YU!" he hears himself say.
YU suddenly stands in front of him.
"Don't slime like that, slug. I don't want to slip.", YU giggles.
And Sam's glazed eyes admire YU's wrinkled nose, raised eyebrows, clenched mouth, and silent sway as he giggles.
Sam's heart, meanwhile, races. His blood flows at an athletic peak.
"Nice to see the turtle leave his little house," Sam says low, running down the stairs with YU.