Nothing.
I watch as his car pulls out of the driveway, hitting the street and accelerating away without hesitation.
I do nothing to stop him.
My feet stay planted while my voice remains closed off. Everything in me is frozen as his tail lights disappear. Everything except my heart. Because that part of me seems to be shattering.
A sudden breath rips my feet from their hold on the ground as I stumble backward, my body tearing itself out of its state of shock. An instant awareness falls over me as the words I just left him with filter in front of me. I know why I did it. I put the fight for my family above the fight for myself, for what I want. The harsh realities that now plague this porch.
He's gone.
He's gone and I pushed him away. I didn't stop him. The weight on my chest increases as my eyes begin to burn.
I let my head fall to my hands, holding the heavy burden of the last few days. Last night...last night I came to a few realizations. One, I need to give this marriage everything I've got. I need to walk away from it with absolutely no regrets, no what ifs. So, when I pressed my lips to Vince's, I tested the waters of what was left. I entered a world of last resorts, clawing my way through a sea of what ifs just to find a glimpse of happiness left buried in there somewhere.
What I found in return was a cold plunge into a realm of nothingness. I felt nothing kissing Vince. Not fear, not panic, not love or lust or passion. In that one kiss, I felt his cold hard lips on mine, I felt a twist of betrayal and the resulting wave of nausea in being with someone else, someone who wasn't Tommy. And that right there cleared most of the haze from my clouded view lately. Because I never once felt that sense of guilt kissing Tommy. I never felt a betrayal toward what I once had with Vince. And yet, after a few short months, I felt it. It felt wrong kissing Vince.
But now, here I am, sitting on my porch alone, staring at the empty trail Tommy's tires left behind. And why? Because I still can't seem to answer the age-old question of what's best for my family. Of what my decisions lately have done to Mia. I can't make another wrong choice. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. And I sure as hell don't want to be a project. Projects get completed, checked off a list of things to do before you move onto the next item. I don't want to be just a check on a list. I don't want to be some satisfying fulfillment of a savior complex. When Tommy said that, when he said he saved me, something in me lit up like the damn Christmas tree consuming my living room.
Is that all I've ever been to him? From that first moment he saw me on a domestic violence call, one that he never had enough to file anything for, did seeing me again provide him some sense of closure? A hero swooping in to close the chapter on unfinished business. Because when he walked away from that house, things only got worse from there, he knows that now. He knows what he left. He couldn't save me then, but maybe he thinks that's what he's doing now. And that's the red flashing siren that rang through my head when he mentioned saving me. That's what caused me to react the way I did...to overreact the way that I did.
My head falls back, hitting the wall behind me. I'm so fucking lost. I'm treading water in the deep end, my head constantly dipping below the surface, my arms flailing to keep myself afloat, yet sometimes the peaceful call of the bottom seems like a better answer. That's all I want. An answer to the chaos. A few stray tears roll down my face, only adding to the mess and confusion of everything that just played out.
I hear the sounds of voices behind the door, knowing that Mia must be awake. I take one more deep breath, wiping away the tears that have managed to steadily work their way down my cheeks, watching the empty road for just a moment longer. I don't expect him to come back. To be honest, I don't even know that anything would change if he did. I'm still a giant twisted ball of stress, confusion, and probably an ounce of insanity laced in there somewhere. Despite everything, despite the insecurities and unknown, if it were up to me, if my voice was the only one that mattered, I would chase after him. Because all exterior factors aside, I know what I want. I want him. Unfortunately, my voice isn't the only one circling my mind.
~~~
I run my hands nervously down the deep red dress skimming my knees as I take in the familiar trees lining the street. My hair is pulled back slightly, enough to stay out of my face, but I chose to leave some down. I couldn't decide if I wanted it all back or not so I decided on both. I guess it's a testament to my confused state of mind. If only both were always an option, if choices could be that simple. A middle ground if you will. I don't even know what a middle ground would look like in this situation. How to keep everyone happy, including myself.
We pull up to my parents' house, the bright lights shining through the windows of the car. We're late. I promised Trevor he wouldn't be here without me, but seeing as his car is already in the driveway, I've clearly broken that promise. Add it to the list of let downs I've been passing out lately like the free candy canes at the store. Christmas is supposed to be full of joy yet all I seem to be doing is disappointing people.
"Ready?" Vince asks, reaching for the bottle of wine he insisted we bring, the very bottle that caused us to be late.
I just nod my head, stepping out slowly and going to the back to unbuckle Mia. I turn to look at the home in front of me now. A home that has mostly brought me joy. It's had its struggles too, just like any other home. Struggles that I chose to run from when it became too much. Struggles that I wish I would have stayed and faced. But I can't live in that world of regret. I know if I didn't leave for New York, I wouldn't have Mia, and that's something I wouldn't have traded for anything.
We slowly make our way inside, the smell of pine trees and cinnamon filling my senses. I love how the sense of smell can bring a whole vision of memories to the forefront, causing all other stresses to roll off of you. With one familiar scent, you can be transported to the happiest day of your life, or the worst. Right now, this familiar scent of Christmas reminds me of what today is truly about. Family.
Everyone is spread across the kitchen and living room. Lacy is beside my mom in the kitchen, intently listening to her explain whatever it is that is cooking on the stove. I love how badly Lacy wants to learn how to cook, especially when my brother is actually pretty talented in that department. Lacy wouldn't have to cook a single day if she didn't want to. That's why I admire her drive to figure it out.
Trevor is actually sitting at a stool close by, watching the whole exchange. His eyes are glued to the two of them. Before I announce our presence, I hear a voice behind me now.
"Hey sis," my twin's voice ricochets through the room, causing Mia to cling to my side. She's barely met or spoken to him over the years. Mostly my fault, seeing as I left and rarely visited. Though, that never stopped Trevor from reaching out to me, from building a relationship with her, even from a distance. Joe's had his reasons for staying away though, and to be honest, I don't know that I would have wanted Mia to know that version of him.
I turn my body to face him as I feel Trevor's eyes turn to zero in on us both now. Trevor and Joe don't talk anymore. Ever since an incident at my mom's birthday this past year when Trevor decided to literally take matters into his own hands, they've chosen the route of distance. Trevor's focus on Lacy actually makes a lot more sense now. He wasn't just admiring her, he was watching over her, protecting her from her demons in the only way he knows how.
"Hey, Joe," I smile, reaching out to give him a hug. He's different. Standing a bit taller, filled in a bit more, even a rosier tint to his cheeks. He looks good, he looks like my brother again. "How are you?"
He hugs me back, holding a bit tighter than usual. "I'm okay," he responds, a hint of hesitation in his voice. The last few months have not been easy for him. He's spent nearly half his life struggling with substance abuse. He received a pretty shocking wake up call not too long ago. One that finally allowed him to check himself into rehab. I didn't know if he'd make it work on his own, but he has. He's been committed to it, seeking therapy and every service there is to offer. I make sure to talk to him at least every other day just to check in. It's short, we usually don't say much, but it's something. I know he's made unforgivable mistakes, but I also know that there's always a road to redemption, if you choose to take it.
His eyes leave mine, landing on the man beside me. His jaw clenches before he reaches out a hand. "Vince," he says, short, emotionless. If there's still one thing my brothers have in common, it's their hatred for this man. They've always been protective of me, and I think the fact that they had a pretty good idea of what was happening and couldn't shield me from the pain has only added to their anger towards him.
"Joseph, buddy. Good to see you," Vince smiles, his usual overly fake happy self.
"Yeah," my brother responds before squatting down in front of Mia, a more genuine smile on his face now. "Hi, Mia."
She squeezes my leg a bit tighter. "Hi," she whispers.
"You know, Grandpa and I were just needing your expert advice."
She loosens her grip slightly as she looks up at him, her hands still holding on. "With what?"
"Well," he begins. "You see, your grandma loves Christmas. She believes that the more you decorate, the more joy there is in a home. Do you believe that too?"
"Uh huh," she nods her head.
He smiles again, his eyes glancing back at mine before meeting hers again. "I brought some new ornaments for the tree and I can't figure out the best place for them. Do you think you can help us out?"
She looks up at me, hesitating, waiting for my permission. I slowly nod, encouraging her to go with him. He reaches out his hand and she slowly places it in his. He pauses for a moment as a flash of emotion, of joy, washes over him. I haven't seen that look on him in a long time. He's usually so distant even when he's right beside me. I guess when you're living in a constant haze, it's hard to be present.
They take off into the living room as I turn to the kitchen, Trevor's eyes on me before landing on Vince and taking in the bottle in his hand. He's trying, my brother. He's trying to contain all of the emotions I can see radiating off of him. I see the tense muscles flexing in his neck, the way his hands hold tightly together, and the way his body is still positioned toward the woman he loves, even though his attention is on us.
This isn't exactly the Christmas he pictured. Having Vince and Joseph in the same room is more than he should have to bear, but he's doing it, for me, for Mia, for Lacy. And he's doing a pretty freaking amazing job of it at this point. Even if he is choosing the road of silence as he acts as a watchdog while Lacy works. If that's what is going to get him through the night, then by all means, do what you gotta do little brother because I'm right there with you, counting down the minutes until this day is over.
Vince makes his way past me now, entering the kitchen as I follow close behind.
"Merry Christmas, Amelia," he beams, holding out his arms. She slowly steps forward, giving him a small hug before taking the wine he offers. She sets it beside an already open bottle. One that Vince makes his way to, not wasting a single second before pouring himself a glass.
"Anyone else want one?" he asks, looking from my brother to Lacy.
"No," Trevor responds, eyeing him. I know there's so much more aching to fall from his mouth, but his eyes catch mine before he settles back in his seat, his hands clenching even more tightly together.
"No, thank you," Lacy says next, my eyes finding hers. Since when does she turn down a drink? I'm beginning to think the presence of the two added bodies to the house tonight is affecting more people than I thought.
The rest of the evening is filled with the same amount of tension though everyone seems to cover it up a bit better. Vince continues to drink, emptying both bottles of wine before moving on to something harder. My mom stops after one glass, making me see how on edge everyone is. Joe has been spending most of the evening in a separate room from the rest of us, either playing with Mia or talking to my dad. He's keeping his respectful distance. I know this evening is probably harder for him than anyone wants to acknowledge.
When he steps outside, I decide to follow him. Christmas shouldn't feel like this, no matter how fucked up everything is right now. I think we're all spinning in some form of a storm right now, each battling our own demons. But today is about family, and if there's one thing I know about this family, it's that we're always there for one another. And more than anything, he doesn't deserve to be battling alone. It's been far too long since I have been able to sit and talk to him, to be us again, and I think we both need the comfort of each other right now.
He's sitting at the table, zipping up his jacket as his breath fills the air. It's cold tonight. Colder than it usually is. I slowly make my way beside him, pulling out a chair and sitting down. His eyes look over to me, a little surprised at first then settle on the grass in front of us.
"How are you really doing, Joe?" I ask.
His eyes find mine, watching me for a moment. You know how people say twins have special powers? That they can read one another, that they have their own language and intuitions about one another? We used to have that. We used to be able to read every emotion in each other without a single word. I remember how much my mom used to hate it. We would find ways to cover for each other without even knowing what it was the other was trying to hide. We got away with a lot of things my mom just couldn't seem to find the proof she needed. Trevor used to hate it too. He used to complain that it wasn't fair. That we had some sort of advantage in whatever game we played. And maybe we did...once upon a time.
We lost that connection in high school. At first, I didn't know why. I thought maybe we just grew apart. But now, looking into his sober eyes, I see him again. I truly see him, which means he sees me too. It was never our age that tore us apart, it was the cloud of substances that ripped him away from me. It created a wall between us, separating us in more ways than I ever really knew.
"Amber," he says, turning his body toward me. "I'm not the one who is suffering the most right now, am I?" he asks, causing a breath to escape me now, a wave of relief that someone sees my struggle. He quickly scoots forward, wrapping his arms around me as I cry. I let everything crash down, the weight pushing on my chest, the hold constricting my breaths, every ounce of pain and confusion surging through me. And at the worst possible time. With a room full of people only a glass door away, I let it all come tumbling down.
"No," I exhale. "I'm so fucking lost, Joe."
He holds me, squeezing me against him, giving me the only possible comfort he can manage to scrounge up, knowing just how draining it is to be drowning.
He slowly pulls away from me now, wiping my tears, searching my eyes for the answers. "I'm not going to tell you what to do," he says now. "Because I know first hand that no one can make a decision for you. You need to be ready to make it yourself. That's the only way you'll truly accept it."
I nod my head, understanding what he's saying, but wishing so desperately that he could just provide me with all of the answers, to take something off my plate.
"But," he continues. "I think you do have the answer, sis. I think you know exactly what you want."
Another tear falls from my eye, but I quickly brush it away. There's so much in this moment. The fact that he can read me again, that he knows what I've been going through without actually being here to witness it. This is the brother I had by my side growing up, the boy who would do anything for me, for his family. He was lost too, for a long time, but I think he's found his way back.
"I do," I agree. "I know what I want."
"So if what you need is permission, then you should know that you have the support of our entire family. And that little girl in there? She's on your side, too. I see it in the way she looks at you. She'll be okay. And I know that she'll stand beside you, with whatever choice you make."
I feel like I've been given a life vest, like I can actually breathe safely above water again. I don't know why I needed those words, why the sentiment of permission to go after what I want makes everything come so clearly into view.
"Thank you," I whisper.
We stay in the yard discussing his struggles and new found joys in life. He's still working like hell to find himself again, to find forgiveness. It's a long road he's on, but I know he can navigate it. We continue talking just like old times until my lips go numb from the cold.
Being with my brother again, the real him, not the jaded shell that the drugs took over, gave me a new sense of awareness. I've known this whole time what I want. It's never been a question. I just didn't know how to let everything else go, to be okay with letting it go. I think now, now I'm beginning to see the possibility of what that could look like.
When the night continues to darken and Mia's innocent anticipation of bedtime becomes clear, we begin to say our goodbyes. Getting Mia into bed on Christmas Eve is always the easiest night of the year. Getting her to fall asleep? That's a whole other story. She loves the excitement of Christmas, of setting out the cookies she spent the afternoon decorating, placing a letter to her favorite jolly red suited man, and making sure there are enough carrots out for all of the reindeer. It's a big night for everyone, one that I am actually thankful to have Vince here to be a part of, no matter how clear it's becoming that this might very well be the last Christmas he helps out with.
As we make our way to the door, grabbing our jackets and sliding them on, Vince takes the keys off the hook, stumbling a bit as he reaches for the doorknob.
"I can drive," I offer, trying to sound casual instead of accusatory, something I know would not go over well with him.
"No, I'll drive," he insists, opening the door.
I glance at Mia, offering her a smile before looking back up at Vince. "Vince," I say, trying to drop my voice. "I think I should drive."
He turns to face me now, swinging around and nearly crashing into me. I take a step back to add some distance between us, strategically placing myself in front of Mia in the process.
"Are you offering or are you telling me?" he questions, his voice growing harder.
My hand reaches back, feeling Mia's fingers lace into mine. This version of Vince right here, this is the version I'm much too familiar with. "I'm saying, you've had a lot to drink, and I think it's best that I drive."
His smile turns sideways as he takes a step closer, his chest nearly brushing up against me. "You've been telling me a lot of things lately."
I can feel the tremble beginning to shake my shoulders, but I stop it just in time before it reaches my hand, the very hand that Mia is clinging to.
I take a deep breath, grasping for every ounce of strength I have as I meet his eyes. "I'm not going to let you get behind the wheel, especially with our daughter in the car."
His hand quickly clings to my arm, gripping tightly as he pulls me against him. My hand in Mia's stays strong, making sure she's still behind me.
"Vince!" my brother's voice crashes through the hall as Vince's hand immediately drops to his side.
My breaths are quick, my heart racing as everything that's taking place comes clearly into view. Lacy is by my side now, crouching in front of Mia, telling her something that I can't seem to focus on. Before I know it, Mia's hand is leaving mine, finding Lacy's as they both head into the other room. My eyes latch onto Trevor's now. He's been quiet all night, holding everything in, but I don't think he's planning to keep it bottled up any longer.
In the next moment, Trevor steps forward, placing himself between Vince and me. Vince is forced to take a step back, hitting the entry table behind him. Trevor doesn't stop though, making sure to keep his presence known as he steps forward.
"I swear to God, if you lay one more fucking hand on my sister-"
"You'll what?" Vince threatens, standing from the table he was resting on, meeting Trevor with the same sense of intensity. "I don't think you would actually hit me, would you Trevor?" his voice is cocky, a smug grin on his face.
"Careful, Vince," another voice fills the hall, my eyes quickly flashing to the doorway as Joe enters. Vince's eyes shift to his, but Trevor's stay trained on Vince. "Speaking from someone who has been at the receiving end," Joe begins, taking another two steps toward them. "If you deserve it, he won't hesitate."
Vince's smile grows more dangerous as he takes in the brother now edging his way closer. "Are you saying I'm deserving, Joseph?"
"You're deserving of a lot more than my brother's fist, no matter how bad the damage is that he can pack behind one punch...or five," he replies, taking another step forward. I watch as both of my brothers begin to position themselves, slowly corning Vince.
Vince's conniving smile drops slightly as his eyes connect back with my brother in front of him. His head slightly cocks to the side. "Maybe so," he smirks now. "But you wouldn't dare hit me with your niece barely in the other room now would you, Trevor?"
I can see the small flexes of muscle in Trevor's arms. Vince is right. My brother would never do anything to scare Mia. Hitting Vince would do just that.
But before Trevor has a chance to speak up, Joe is standing firm beside him. "You're right," he says as Trevor slowly makes room for him. Seeing my brothers stand together for the first time in a very long time is a sight to be seen. It doesn't matter that the circumstances of their united front is less than ideal. What matters is that they're actually together.
"But you see," Joe continues. "I'm not the good guy of the story. So, if he won't do it, I sure as hell will."
Vince's smile continues to fade as he glances between the two men in front of him. I've never seen this side of him before. A side that seems to be backing down, retreating. This is usually when he ignites, flaunting his power, his strength. But not now. Not with both of my brothers standing side by side.
He doesn't say anything else as his hand raises above my brother's head, dangling the keys for me. I take a quick step forward, grabbing the keys before anything else happens. Vince gives another grin before shoving his way between them, making sure to check both of their shoulders as he stumbles through the door.
I look at both of them, my heart still slamming against my chest. I don't say anything either as I turn down the hall to grab Mia.
"Amber-"
"Trevor," I stop him as I turn to face him again, knowing where he's going with this. "It's Christmas Eve, I'm not doing this to Mia, not tonight."
He lets out a sigh, Joe stepping forward now. "He's not going to be happy with what just happened."
Trevor's eyes look to Joe, both of them bringing their eyes back to me. "I know, but he won't do anything," I assure them.
"How do you know?" Trevor asks.
"Because Vince is smart. He's gone this long without being caught," I take a breath, looking at both of them before saying the next thing on my mind. The thing I've hidden from my family. "I've had multiple cops in my home," my eyes connect directly with Trevor's, letting him hear me. "No one has ever had enough to convict him. He won't do anything tonight, not after you saw him grab me."
I can see a sea of questions spinning through Trevor's eyes, mixed with a sense of pain, of not knowing how bad it really was throughout the years.
"I still don't like it," Joe says now.
I pull my eyes from Trevor's, letting his silence speak volumes. "You don't have to," I tell my twin, watching as he relents.
I give them each a nod before turning to grab Mia.
"Amber," Trevor finally speaks. "You call me, or Joe, or...whoever you need to if things don't go as you think they will."
I pause, letting his words fall over me. I know this isn't easy for them. To watch me take off with a man as unpredictable as Vince. The thing is, he just showed me that he hasn't changed a single bit. And that means he just became predictable.
~~~
Why don't Trevor and Joe talk anymore? What are the demons that haunt Lacy? And what the heck happened on the mom's birthday nearly a year ago?
All of those answers can be found in areal_16's story, Friends With Benefits. If you're curious about Trevor and Lacy's love story, jump on over. You may even catch a glimpse of Tommy and Amber in a few of those chapters🤫