Chapter 22 Flashback
Sam is shaking all over as he enters YU's room. His despair shows through anger and he intends to shake YU up.
But when he sees the devastation in the room, his breath catches and the anger escapes from his body.
All the books are spread across the floor. Some directly against the wall. The traces of the bang can be seen on the wall.
Crumpled pages. Dented covers. Bruised cracks.
No stacks. No system. No clarity.
Gone are all the retreats. The wooden tops of the little homemade tables seem to have served their purpose no longer. They lie tossed about on top of corpses of books.
The high bookshelves are empty.
Sam's lump in his throat chokes him.
YU's bookshelves, his trove, his history.
Empty.
Sam begins to search for YU in the desolation.
He feels a deep concern rising inside him.
And it is only when he sees YU huddled on his bed that his lungs dare to take in oxygen again.
Sam can no longer hold in the lump.
Silent tears stream down his face.
YU is invisible.
His body, shrouded in black, disappears on his black blanket.
Sam's eyes do not want to believe what has happened here in this room.
What YU had to suffer in his darkness.
Without Sam.
A quiet sob escapes Sam's mouth.
He breaks.
His guilt crushes him.
He was not there.
"As you can see, it's better if you go.", Sam hears YU's serious voice, "I'd rather be by myself. Go, please."
"I won't. I won't go. I don't see anything that would make me leave," Sam replies, trying to climb over the sea of submerged books.
Closer to YU. He wants to get to him.
"You're challenging me. You want me to convince you. Show you my true self.", Sam hears YU say in a harsh tone as he tries to move forward without destroying YU's books even more.
"I've seen your true self before. I've told you before that you're not scary, you're more exciting. So, go ahead and show yourself to me. Take it as a challenge.", Sam says mildly and climbs YU's walls further.
"And if I tell you it wasn't me at all.", YU whispers fearfully, "My mother did it. She wants me to disintegrate. She stands there and makes me leave. She doesn't want me to be here. Nothing might to remind of me."
Sam's guts twist from the inside.
A screaming pain runs through his body.
He feels YU.
His fear. His loneliness. His darkness.
Bubbling hot tears accompany Sam's renewed sobs. He struggles to compose himself and asks in a shaky voice, "Where is your mother? YU, when did she come?"
"She came when you left. When she left us then, I thought I would never see her again. But she decided to haunt me in my retreat in Berlin. She wants to accompany me. Strengthen me. Stand by my side until I finally make it. Until I finally dissolve. Finally give her her life back. She's waiting, Sam. She's waiting," Sam hears a bright, frightened child's voice.
And Sam grasps YU's condition. He suffered a flashback.
Traumatic events overwhelm the psyche and paralyze consciousness.
Experience and action are then controlled only by the cruelest metaphors of the unconscious.
Sam's going triggered YU's repressed traumas. And now YU transfers his emotions towards his mother to Sam.
And no matter how much his genius mind can grasp and analyze this psychotic state of YU, he has to use all his strength to put his feelings for YU in bondage.
He wants to run to him, hug him, comfort him.
His guilt suffocates him. He wants to shower YU. Heal him with his feelings. Bind him to himself. Replace everything YU ever lacked.
And exactly as these drive desires would now be a dangerous forest fire in YU's constitution.
He could freeze psychotically at his mother's strong presence in the unconscious. Lingering. In the world of his self-imagined darkness.
Sam needs to weaken the real problem.
YU's mother.
He finally gets to YU's bed and sits down on the floor next to it. YU lies huddled on the bed with his back to Sam, motionless.
Sam's quiet, deep sound lifts into the air:
"YU, tell your mother she can go now. Sam Lin is with her son and stays by his side. Let her go and live her life. Sam Lin stays by YU's side."
Silence.
"Tell her she is wrong. Sam Lin knows her son better than she knows him." the silence is broken again by Sam's calm tone.
"Sam Lin should take care of his life. He doesn't know the repulsive sides of YU. He's not worth it.", a gruff voice replies.
Sam swallows his anger.
"YU, tell your mßother that Sam Lin only cares about his own life. That's why he understood that he needs YU in his life. Sam Lin needs every side, every height, every depth of YU, everything about him in his life.
YU has liberated Sam Lin.
Tell your mother that YU is worth letting go of.
He is worth chasing her away.
YU, I'm here, let her go," Sam says.
Silence.
Sam is wondering if he can hug YU now. Or at least put a hand on his black body. Let him feel that he is there.
"Sam, go now, please. I don't want you to get involved in this. You don't deserve this," YU's shaky voice rings out.
"You don't deserve this.", Sam replies worriedly, finally deciding to act on his impulse. He lies down on his side next to YU and gently puts his hand on his shoulder.
"YU, you don't deserve this. You didn't deserve this. Let go of her. I'm here. I'm staying. I'm not going away anymore. I'm standing by your side," Sam pleads, hearing YU's choked sobs.
"Sam, please go. I don't want you to see me like this," YU now pleads.
Sam moves a little closer.
"I see everything about you. You can't hide from me, turtle. I see you. I am immediately with you and I see you.", Sam murmurs into YU's neck and leans his forehead against the back of YU's head.
YU's dam breaks.
He sobs loudly and clenches his huddled body in a convulsive manner.
And as his grief pours out of him in torrents, Sam encircles him with his body. He lets YU's entire body feel his presence. They lie one behind the other in the fetal position and Sam cradles him.
YU cries and sobs, whimpers and whine.
And suddenly begins to kick.
"Let me, please don't mother! Don't do this to me! It's hurting me. Please don't do it again! Please let go of me! I'm sorry. Please don't!" he screams, trying to free himself from his mother's tearing hands.
Sam is startled and responds:
"I'm not your mother. It's me, Sam. Your mother is gone. I'm here. I'm not your mother.", he tries to reach YU and finally decides to turn the flailing YU around.
With all his strength, he holds YU's arms and turns him to face him.
YU's chalk-white face and swollen eyes break Sam's heart.
He wastes no effort in holding back his tears. They flow from his sad eyes as he activates everything in him to bring YU back.
"YU, look at me!" sobs Sam, "Please forgive me. I'm here now. I sent your mother away. YU, please look at me."
And finally, YU hears Sam's sobbing.
He feels Sam's closeness and opens his eyes.
He sees Sam's crying face blurred in front of him.
"Sam?" he dares to ask.
"YU, I'm here. I'm staying. I'm here. With you.", Sam says shivering and heartbroken.
YU's pain courses through his veins.
He wants to release him from it.
And Sam lets go of YU's relaxing arms and reaches around his face.
A warm wave floods the darkness and brings the light.
Sam looks into YU's stunned eyes and gives him a smile as he caresses his face with his hands.
And feels his entire body boil over with love as YU gives him a true smile in response.