Chapter 21 Negation
Sam parks briefly in the second lane on Müllerstraße at the Seestraße subway station and hops into the Turkish takeout restaurant Hambir, a famous chain in Berlin, to bring YU a yellow lentil soup.
He doesn't want to waste any time, and the friendly men behind the counter are busily serving the many passersby eager to grab a delicacy at Hambir.
Sam pays and gets back into his Toyota.
It's 6:37 p.m. and he senses YU's presence approaching.
After finally finding a parking spot on Kameruner Street, he gets out and walks right into his life.
He rings Teng's doorbell and waits.
"Who is it?" chimes YU's voice on the intercom.
Sam's heart does a roll.
"A delivery." he disguises his voice and is rewarded.
Now he runs into the front building's stairwell, bounces past the strollers, darts across the small courtyard, and skips several steps as he climbs to the 3rd floor.
Out of breath and with cold sweat on his forehead, he suddenly comes face to face with YU.
YU.
He stands at his wide-open front door.
YU.
Sam feels himself being overtaken by the feeling of his dream.
He is the 5th year standing in front of YU. In his cellar. In the dark.
He wants to jump into his arms.
Feels the tears of his storm whipping against his trembling eyes.
He takes another deep breath and says in a disguised voice:
"A hot lentil soup for YU Teng."
He holds up the bag of soup and smiles softly.
And reaps nothing.
Nothing.
No smile. No facade. Just nothing.
Sam feels a twinge in his heart.
"YU, please let me come in. Can I please come in? Let me, please.", Sam now asks in a humble, low voice.
YU turns and walks into the kitchen.
The door, still open, stands ready for Sam to enter.
He exhales in relief, takes off his shoes and enters YU's apartment.
Excited. Worried. A little scared.
He enters the kitchen and sees YU sitting at the small table.
He sits in the chair with his black legs pulled up against his black body. His black heels rest on the edge of the chair. His black arms encircle his black lower legs. His light face rests on his black knees.
Sam sees his black turtle in his little house.
His heart breaks at the sight. An intense pain seizes his body. He mirrors YU and decides to be strong. To be there for him.
"Do you know the Turkish lentil soup. It tastes especially good with lemon. And strengthens the body too. You look pale. I'll prepare it for you," Sam says caringly as he twists and turns in the kitchen, unrestrainedly opening all the cupboards and drawers to gather everything he needs.
What he needs to be there for YU.
To hand him a warm bowl of soup.
YU watches Sam rummage through his kitchen. His Adam's apple trembles under the black turtleneck he wears.
He breathes, but shallowly.
Doesn't want to give his lungs enough oxygen.
Don't want them to fill his body.
Ventilate.
Bring to life.
Does not want it.
Doesn't want to feel it.
With him.
Sam has come back.
And I guess he needs to show him why that was a wrong decision.
He wants Sam to see why he should have rather not come back.
He doesn't want pity. He doesn't need that.
Let Sam show his dislike quietly. He doesn't need to feel sorry for him.
He is sufficient for himself. He needs to make that clear to him.
"Here, enjoy," Sam says, placing the bowl with a spoon on the table in front of YU and finally licking the lemon juice from his fingers.
YU's motionlessness unnerves him.
He doesn't know how to keep up appearances.
YU is not smiling.
Where is his enchanting semblance? His smiling facade?
Sam allows himself to look closer at YU's face still resting on his knees.
He seems so lifeless.
As if he were floating lifelessly in a soap bubble.
Sam decides to be strong. Pushes his inner insecurity aside and takes the initiative.
"YU, I want to tell you something," Sam's deep voice rings out, "I really regret just leaving on Wednesday. I want to explain to you why I left."
YU's sudden awakening, throws Sam off his game.
He straightens up, picks up the spoon and brings it to his mouth. Blows briefly, letting the warmth flow into him.
"Didn't Professor Österreich contact you? I'm sorry if he hasn't. He was supposed to tell you I wasn't doing so well. You didn't have to come. And it's all okay. You don't have to explain anything to me. I can guess why you left so quickly. And I'm sorry for the circumstances. I guess I got carried away with the alcohol. It might not make sense for us to spend time together in private, either," YU says, smiling.
Sam is frozen.
As much as YU's smile melts his heart, his words and his now shown facade hurt him even more.
And he knows he's going to make that facade crumble now.
"My feelings scared me. My physical reaction to you scared me. I started to panic. And ran away," Sam says deeply. He looks deeply at YU.
YU feels Sam's deep gaze rest on his face as he looks at the lenses nestled together in the soup.
He senses a stirring within himself at Sam's words.
A prick up. A hoping.
A suppression. A mocking.
An anger.
Directed at himself.
He wants to tear himself apart with rage.
Why can't he be worth it.
Why must he be him.
Why can't he give in to his desire.
Why does he have to be him.
He is disgusted with himself.
Feels the poisonous claws trying to dig into his flesh.
And Sam sees the darkness erupt in YU.
He's managed to break YU's facade. And led him into the darkness.
YU still doesn't look at him. But he wants to reach out to him. Show him what he means to him.
Look at me, YU. Look at me.
"YU, I wasn't running away from you. I was running away from me. And I went through the worst pain of my life without you.
Your Recording, YU, your Recording broke the dams in me.
And you were not there to accompany me.
I was overwhelmed by my feelings and you weren't there.
I dreamed about it. I recorded the dream and the analysis for you," Sam reveals in a shaky voice, taking the voice recorder out of his pocket and placing it on YU's windowsill.
"Please forgive me, YU! Please stay by my side. Walk with me. Never let me suffer this supreme loss again.", YU hears him plead and can no longer resist his tears.
He stands up and suppresses his sobs. In a suppressed voice he says:
"Who am I to forgive the Sam Lin. You don't have to apologize. You made the right decision when you left. You can't imagine how right it was. And how wrong it is to be here now. I promise to always stand by you in your research. You don't have to worry about anything."
YU leaves the kitchen.
Sam feels his bewilderment turn to anger.
YU doesn't want to understand him. I guess he needs to be clearer.
"I don't give a shit about research. You hear me, YU? I don't care about the research. It's about you. I mean you. Your importance to me.", Sam shouts angrily, stands up and runs after YU.