Chapter 20 Fire
Sam looks into the small mirror on his shelf for the 3rd time. He tugs and pulls at his black shirt.
Several times he has undone and re-tied the top three buttons of his shirt. Better to have just one button. Or two is okay, too. But with three buttons undone, he's showing too much skin. He sees his Adam's apple bouncing in the mirror every time he swallows.
And he has to swallow all the time.
He swallows his excitement. His heart flutters. His stomach tingles. His hands are sweaty.
He rubs his hands on his black pants, looking forward to holding YU's cold hand in his warm one.
Today they will both shine in black.
He chose his clothes purposefully today. Wanted to feel closer to YU in the black veil.
Sam looks at the clock above the practice door.
5:56 pm.
A slight disappointment trickles over his skin.
Four minutes to go and YU hasn't knocked yet. I guess he won't be coming in early this time.
Sam tries to calm himself down. YU must still be pissed. Doesn't want to seem so impatient this time. I'm sure he'll be on time. And even if he's late, he can forgive YU everything.
Show him that he stands by his side unconditionally.
Sam puts his hands on his face and tries to calm his breathing. Never in his life has he felt such massive excitement. Why does his body have to react so extremely. It's as if his brain is playing tricks on him.
In anticipation of meeting YU, his heart is passionately feverish.
Constantly, he sees images in his mind.
Images of YU's face.
His beautiful eyes.
His cheeks. His chin.
His mouth.
Sam surrenders to his fantasies with an increased heartbeat.
He peers at the therapy couch and sees YU's body resting on him.
And he allows himself a glimpse of his deepest desires.
As he walks toward him.
Kneeling down in front of the couch.
And touches YU.
Placing his hand on his tender, black-covered chest.
Feeling his heartbeat on his hand.
Looking into his eyes. Losing himself.
Laying his head on YU's chest.
Whispering words to him.
Telling him he's sorry. That he should forgive him. That he has overcome his fear.
Showing him that he now understands. That he now knows he doesn't have to run away. That he needs him.
That he would go through hell for him.
He feels YU's cold hand on his head.
He strokes his face.
Forgives him.
Tells him that he missed him too. Also longingly suffocated without him.
And Sam lets YU's sound float inside him.
He buries his face into YU's body and inhales his scent.
With each breath, he wants more.
He turns his face to YU's.
Wraps his hands around his face.
They lose each other in their eyes.
And Sam feels that he wants it.
That he wants him.
He wants to kiss him.
Taste him.
And overcome the small distance that still separates their lips.
Sam feels himself leap into hot floods as he imagines their kiss.
How their lips press tenderly against each other.
Every cell of his body is electrified.
Every breath becomes heavier and more demanding.
How he presses YU against him.
Finally daring to explore his lips. To nibble on them. Sucking on them.
And listening to YU's quickening breath.
Hearing him.
How he wants it too. How he enjoys it. As he demands more.
And Sam feels his newly discovered lust center howl.
And Sam approves.
Admits to himself that YU excites him.
That his body is attracted to him.
That his wild heart seems to explode not just at YU's mind.
So many admissions. And Sam admits to himself that he'd like to keep fantasizing, but that now is not the time.
Calm down. Calm down, Sam. He'll be right there.
And when there's a sudden knock, Sam's heart slips.
A realization lights up in his brain.
YU is there and he will never let him leave.
He walks to the door with soft knees, takes another deep breath, smears his hands on his pants and opens the door.
His eyes shine warmly and longingly.
And widen abruptly when he sees an older gentleman standing at the door instead of YU.
"Hello, Sam, I'm Professor Österreich. Can I come in?" he hears him say.
Sam tenses up inside. A cold wave of fear rises up inside him, threatening to drown him.
Sam reaches out his hand to Österreich and silently gives way to his office.
"I know you were expecting YU now. I'm sure seeing me disappoints you. I'm very glad we're getting to know each other. Professor Dieckmann speaks highly of his Sam Lin.", Österreich smiles, enters the office and sits down on the therapy couch.
Sam is still at a loss for words. He fears losing his composure if he opens his mouth.
"Sam, please sit down. Let me explain the reason for my visit," Österreich says, still watching Sam stand at the open door. His look is sad.
"He's not coming, Sam. Feel free to close the door and keep me company," Österreich says gently. Even though Sam's sad look pains him, but he is happy to see such a loyal comrade at YU's side. He is now finally sure that convincing YU to participate in Sam's research was the right decision.
Sam slowly closes the door and feels all hope slipping away.
He tries to fight the rising tears and sits down in his chair with his eyes closed. Still unable to speak.
Österreich watches Sam struggle and discreetly turns his gaze away. He wants to let the brilliant Sam Lin have his moment. And he decides to get to the point quickly. To finally enlighten Sam.
"I was quite surprised when I got a call from YU today. When I visited him last night, I asked him to please call me if he needs any support. Oh, if you knew how many times I've told him that. But our interest in each other is only one-sided. While I would love to be a part of his life, the life of this secretive, brilliant young man, he returns my goodwill only with a smile. The quiet, smiling YU. Enclosed in himself.
And this YU called me an hour ago and asked me to cancel his appointment today. He doesn't feel able to leave his apartment. He really looked paler than usual yesterday. If that is even possible. He seems to have caught a cold.
I'm also amazed by it. YU always came to the university, even when he was sick," Österreich reports and sees Sam's big eyes glaze over. Sam's disappointment prompts Österreich to keep talking.
"Sam, him calling me means a lot. He didn't want to keep you waiting. You shouldn't worry about it. He really did call me and ask for my support. That means a lot. Don't worry about it. I'm sure he needs the weekend to really get back in shape. He'll be back to your sessions starting next week," Österreich tries to cheer Sam up.
And Sam feels his throat tightening. Not a moment longer can he wait to talk to YU. He would lose his mind if he had to wait the entire weekend for Monday's session. He can't. He has to do something.
And Österreich sees how it works in Sam. He wishes Sam would finally speak. Share himself. Why does he always have to be punished with silence. YU just kept silent yesterday too. Drank his tea and kept silent. And Österreich felt compelled to sprinkle him with more or less interesting information. The one hour of visiting YU did not seem to pass. YU nodded, smiled, and silently promised him with a handshake that he would contact him if anything was wrong.
"Sam, please say something," Österreich interrupted the stifling silence.
"I won't wait until Monday," Sam says seriously, standing up, picking up his jacket and looking at Professor Österreich with fiery eyes, "Thank you for letting me know. I'm going to pay YU a visit now. We need to talk things out. This can't wait. I can't wait."
Professor Österreich stands up and looks Sam in the eye. He feels the hairs on the back of his neck and arms stand up.
Sam Lin, the high achiever, the brilliant son of his friend Dieckmann looks overwhelmed and convinced. He will be there for YU. Stand by his side. Reach out to him. Protect him.
"I'm very glad you're here, Sam. I'm totally behind your decision. Here's my number. Please reach out if there's anything I can do. I'm very proud of you." says the touched professor, putting a hand on Sam's shoulder.
Sam smiles and replies, "I'm honored to finally meet you. Professor Dieckmann speaks highly of his good friend. You might actually do something for me. Today is the tea evening with my Dieckmann. Could you please cancel it for me and explain to him that I am going to YU now. I will contact him. I don't want him to worry. I am fine. I need to face my mistake. Ask for forgiveness. I have to ask YU for forgiveness."
Österreich marvels at Sam's words and nods.
"I'll call him right now. Go ahead. And Sam, don't be fooled by his smile. His weapon is his enchanting smile. A mask. Just a facade. Don't be fooled," Österreich says as they both walk to the door.
Sam nods, looking worried. He locks the door and squeezes Österreichs's shoulder before hurrying to his car with brisk steps.
Österreich watches Sam hurry down the long hallway and pulls a cell phone out of his pocket.
"Hi, it's me. Sam told me to tell you that he can't come tonight. He's leaving for YU now. Our troubled kids are going to be going through an intense weekend." he begins the phone conversation with his friend, feeling the physical reactions of happiness bubbling up inside him.
Finally. Finally, he is needed.
Finally, he gets to witness an extraordinary connection.
Finally, he gets to see walls fall and the fire of life.
Finally.