I wish I knew you when eyes were white and innocent. If I could cut through time, I'd hold you close, make you mine.
«Unbreak» Ryan Star*
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"Okay. Here we go. This is Just A Little Girl by Trading Yesterday."
The boys all start strumming, creating a soothing and slow tone that takes a bit of the edge of the room off with the first chord.
Michael starts, focusing on his eyes on his strumming.
"You never cared to hear the other side. So why would you care to keep this thing alive? You paint me into the memory of all your pain. But I will not be drawn into the past again."
"Cause all of this is all that I can take. And I could never understand the demons that you face. So go ahead and bat your eyes and lie right to the world. For with everything you are, you're just a little girl."
"I never meant for you to feel this way. The Decembers were never meant to be our graves. It's not a question of who is wrong and what is right. But time cannot heal what you will never recognize."
The rest of the boys join in with back-ups in the chorus, trying to keep up with the new harmonies and chords. I can see the confusion and worry in their eyes with every beat as they play into the bridge.
"So go ahead and cry, go ahead believe that you were right. To keep away the dark. To help you sleep tonight. (Go on and decide. Who is wrong, what is right. Cause you know inside...)"
Calum, Ashton, and Luke keep shooting each other wary looks as they continue on with Michael's lead.
"Cause all of this is all that I can take. And I could never understand the demons that you face. So go ahead and bat your eyes and lie right to the world. For with everything you are. Cause all of this is all that I can take. And I could never understand the demons that you face. So go ahead and bat your eyes and lie right to the world. For with everything you are, you're just a little girl."
Michael's POV
Her tears are streaming harder when I look back up from my guitar. She still has on that stubborn look like she's still trying to be strong, but her lip is trembling and her eyes are terrified and hurt and broken. The gold glint is smaller and dulled, but I can still see it from here. She has spent hours studying my eyes, but I have spent hours watching her's. They change slightly with her mood. They are wider and brighter when she's happy. They are hooded and dull when she's not. I've come to know the latter more, but even so, there is always that hint of gold.
"What was the point of that, Michael?" she tries to say, but her strong tone wavers and her voice breaks. Her fists are clenched and trembling by her side and her lip, harshly bit.
I hold her gaze and take in a deep breath. I could do this. My only problem is if I should do this. Could she take it? I may not know the details, but I know enough to know that she is broken in more ways than one; more than she is aware of. All the theories in my head for why are simply theories, but they're enough to convince me that there is something to fix. I know she's terrified of feelings and getting close and trusting, but isn't that the cliché broken hearted girl you see in all the movies? And they always think they're on their own. Alandria is anything but cliché, but she is a broken hearted girl with a guy willing to heal her.
"Michael! What was the point of that?!" she repeats. I swallow hard and take a breath.
"We're different kinds of artists. We both know the world can be a shitty place. We both have ways of making our own parts of it better. You use spray cans. I use music. But I also know we both tend to hear words better with a melody," I sigh, trying to let out the tension in my shoulders through my breath. It doesn't work. I stand staring back at her for a moment before I work up the ability to move and turn to face the boys. They all rush to follow my huddle.
"What in-the-fuck is happening?" Calum spits, no anger in his voice; just confusion.
"We're not here to have a powwow, right now," I tell them. "Okay, we've messed around with this song a bit a while ago so I just want you guys to follow my lead and keep up the best you can."
"Wait--" Luke stops me as I turn away. "What song?"
"Just follow my lead," I order and walk to the front, resuming my position while hearing the rest of the boys doing the same behind me.
I give one look over my shoulder to make sure they're ready and one look to Andi before looking down and focusing on my fingers lightly strumming the guitar. I take a deep breath once I have the rhythm and open my mouth for the first verse.
"I wanna know your whole skin, every mark, every inch. I wanna heal your pain, don't be scared, let me in. Lay yourself down, I will comfort you, I will comfort you. Until the stars fall around us."
I hear the rest of the boys starting to join in and the melody gets stronger. Calum and Luke join in on background vocals by the chorus.
"For every dream that you lost, every tear that it cost. I will, I will unbreak you. All the pain that you feel, let this moment be real. I will, I will unbreak you. I will undo the hurt 'til it feels like I'm the first. I will unbreak you."
My voice gets caught in my throat as I start the next verse before I gather myself and push through.
"I wish I knew you when eyes were white and innocent. If I could cut through time, I'd hold you close, make you mine. Stay where you are, and I will come for you, I will comfort you. Until the stars fall around us."
The chorus repeats and I feel my eyes get hot as I look into hers. My singing grows more powerful and I feel almost lightheaded with all the emotions I feel pulsing through my lungs. I feel like I could walk on water. I feel like I am drowning. I feel like I could run a hundred miles. I feel like I could collapse where I stand.
"For every dream that you lost, every tear that it cost. I will, I will unbreak you. All the pain that you feel, let this moment be real. I will, I will unbreak you."
I close my eyes and focus all my attention on expressing the lyrics with every molecule of my body while trying to keep my lungs from collapsing or throwing up on the mic.
"We can make it alright, you and me here tonight. I will, I will unbreak you. For every dream that you lost, every tear that it cost. I will, I will unbreak you. I will undo the hurt 'til it feels like I'm the first. I will unbreak you."
I keep my eyes closed as the music fades out. I take a deep breath and try my best to pull myself together.
When I open my eyes, Andi is staring right back at me. Her lips are pressed tight to keep them from trembling, but the tears streaking down her cheeks give away her emotions, regardless.
We all stand silent and still, the weight of the air now heavy and keeping up in place, terrified what would happen to disrupt the atmosphere.
It feels like hours--a lifetime--before Andi opens her mouth to speak. She closes it and forces it back open before she is able to force the words from her lips.
"I don't know what you want me to say," she heaves, her voice strained, thick, and broken.
My expression remains as I breathe out, "Just say the first thoughts in your head. Just come out and say what you are actually thinking; actually feeling." I leave the words hanging in the air before whispering a hoarse, "Please."
She sucks in a stuttered and shaky breath. "I can't feel anything."
I breathe out a humorless laugh. "Could've fooled me."
"I can't. I can't do it," she strangles out. "I can't do it to myself."
"What do you mean you can't do it to yourself?"
"I mean I can't risk that torture. That torture that always comes with feeling," she trembles.
"Some feelings are good, you know," I say softly.
"I can't live in some golden fantasy," she breathes, shrugging with sad eyes. Always sad eyes. "Nothing gold can stay."
"I've read that book, too, you know. It's been years, but from what I remember, there's another quote in the end. Stay gold."
"It's a fantasy. It's wishful thinking. It's false hope. And in the end, all that does is crush you when reality sets in."
"Part of being human is hurting and learning."
"I've hurt. I learned that the world is a harsh place with delusional happiness. Living in reality saves you from having to run straight into it, having it throw you down with a thud."
"But, And," I sadly chuckle. "You're not living in reality. You've created your own fantasy."
She huffs a laugh. "You think this is my fantasy?"
"Yes, which is a hard thing to think about, because that means your reality is even worse. You deny the pain, refusing to acknowledge the fact that your bubble protects you from everything that is broken and slowly suffocating you."
"I'm fine," she snaps.
"No, you're not."
She rolls her eyes and pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes with a shaky sigh. "Michael, stop. I can't do it, okay. I appreciate the thought that you think you can fix me or whatever. But I can't, okay?"
"Take a chance," I sigh.
"I can't risk taking a chance."
"You can trust me, you know."
"The only thing worth trust is the end. It's the only thing that will always come through for me. I can only rely on endings of everything."
"Please. Let me be there for you," I beg.
"I can't," she whimpers, frantically shaking her head. "I just can't, okay?! I just gotta go," she mutters and begins to turn away, hurrying towards the window.
"And, just stay," I sigh, reaching out towards her.
She shakes her head again. "I'll see you guys at school. I just have to escape everything for a little bit. Bye."
She's ducks through the window before I can say another word.
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again-- the asterisk * means important song.
LISTEN!!!