tw: homophobia
pulling the door of changmin's car open, san climbs into the backseat, instantly discarding his backpack onto the seat beside him. "hey, minnie hyung," he says over the sound of the radio, a smile on his face — it doesn't meet his eyes.
thankfully changmin doesn't pick up on it, and neither does chanhee, who has just seated himself in the passenger seat of the vehicle. "good morning, little choi!" changmin happily greets san, before starting the car.
clicking his seatbelt into place, san leans his head onto the window by his side as a shaky sigh leaves his lips. he's attempting to keep up a positive facade for the day ahead, though deep down he knows that today won't go perfectly like he wants it to. word travels around fast, and he's certain that yesterday's incident in science class has already reached every student's ears.
san has his bottom lip unconsciously caught in between his teeth as he visions every possible outcome of today, and let's be honest, none of them are anywhere near pretty.
"san-ah," chanhee's voice calls out for him, eyes fixated on the rear view mirror in front of him. when the pink-haired is gifted with san's attention, he continues, "everything's okay. and it'll stay like that, so stop stressing so much."
"mhm," is all san responds with, eyes lazily fluttering shut.
"tired, little choi?" changmin giggles, glancing at the boy through the rear view mirror for a short moment, before returning his gaze to the busy road ahead of him.
"a little.." truthfully san is tired, for he barely got any sleep last night due to his overbearing thoughts. plus, chanhee and him headed to bed rather late, after the older insisted that they rewatch 'lilo and stitch' for the hundredth time in order to brighten up san's mood. the blond can't exactly complain, though, since chanhee's plan worked, even if all of the progress he'd made has shattered.
"tough luck, then, because we're here now," changmin informs san, the vehicle slowing down as the orange-haired reverses into a parking slot.
whining in annoyance, san picks his head up from the window and slightly rubs at his eyes with a fist. he waits until changmin is done parking the car before opening the door, shouldering his backpack as he steps out into the blinding sunshine.
"bye bye, hyung." san sends a quick wave to chanhee, who smiles at him.
"have a good day, little choi!" chanhee says, hands clutching onto the straps of his bag as he begins to walk away.
san just nods his heads, spinning around on his heels, before starting to make his way into the school building. he shortly enters through the glass double doors, the hallway full of teens judgementally quietening down at his arrival. several of them fail to conceal their snickers, and a few even guiltlessly whisper who-knows-what kind of gossip to their friends.
internally reminding himself to take deep breaths, san drags his legs through the corridors of students, searching for someone, anyone, who he could hang with until class starts — preferably a friend, of course.
instant relief washes over him when a familiar strawberry-haired boy enters his peripheral vision. san rushes to hongjoong like his life depends on it, and is met with a soft smile from the elder right away. "hey, san! how are you doing?"
"hi, hongjoong hyung. i'm-i'm okay. could be better, though..."
hongjoong nods in acknowledgement, scanning their surroundings momentarily. "i'm going to be straight up with you, san-ah, the majority of us have been told about... um, what went on yesterday. but please don't panic, because, oddly enough, kang yeosang has gone around and told everyone not to mess with you unless they want to be dealt with."
"wait, what? yeosang?!" san's eyes widen disbelievingly, pure shock written on his features.
"yep, and you know how everyone feels about him. they either worship him as if he's some saint, or are too intimidated by his presence to even breathe near him."
hongjoong's right on that one, but why would yeosang, seemingly out of his own accord, stand up for san? the two have only spoken once, and though the sweet interaction has a special place in san's heart, he can't understand why yeosang would do such a thing for him.
"a-are you sure it was yeosang and not, like, jongho or someone? a hundred percent sure?"
"as sure as i can be," hongjoong confirms, before ruffling the hair sitting atop of san's head. "i'm sorry, but i have to go now. i'll see you around, yeah?"
"yeah, bye, hyung," san replies, not looking forward to being left alone again; that's until, from the corner of his eye, he catches yunho conversing with mingi by a wall of lockers. therefore, when hongjoong turns around to head to his respective destination, san wastes no time to run over to his best friends.
"hey, guys!" he initiates, slightly breathless. mingi breaks out into a grin, opening his mouth to speak, but he isn't given the chance because yunho is bombarding out a hefty amount of concerned questions for his best friend.
"sannie, are you okay?! you didn't answer my texts, and i was worried... you're feeling better now, right? i know how you get when your anxiety gets the best of you, so i hope you got enough sleep last night! but if you didn't, that's okay because we'll do our best to help, won't we, mingi?" yunho faces the brunette for a second, yet he quickly turns back to san. "you could go to the library and take a nap, gi and i will cover for you if—"
"yun, shut up. i'm okay, don't worry," san convinces the latter, smiling reassuringly.
"you are?" yunho receives a nod of the head from san. "thank god..." he then whispers, enveloping the younger boy into a tight hug.
san sighs at the affection, instinctively returning the embrace by wrapping his arms around yunho's torso, palms holding onto his shoulders. startling him a tad, is the feeling of another pair of arms snaking around his and yunho's bodies. the minty scent that enters san's senses answers his confusion, leading him to snuggle his head into mingi's broad chest.
"the fuck- can you fags keep your gay shit away from my locker?!"
even though san pulls himself away from the much-needed group hug, he remains unfazed from mark lee's nasty remarks — unlike usual. "awh, does little markie want to join our homosexual club?" san taunts.
mark freezes in his spot, taken aback at the blond standing up for himself, but is fast to disguise his flustered state with a scowl of disgust. "shut the fuck up, you slut."
rolling his eyes, san scoffs, and moves to push past mark to get to his own locker. before he does, though, he halts in front of the boy, a teasing smirk on his mouth. "you know," san starts in a mutter, "you'd be doing better if you weren't ashamed of having such a thing for sluts like me."
and with that, after intentionally bumping his shoulder into mark's, san walks off.
in all honesty, he has no clue where his cocky behaviour suddenly came from, for it had even surprised himself. but that doesn't mean he regrets his actions; if anything, he's proud of himself for mustering up the courage to defend himself for the first time in his life.
san reaches his locker before he even realises it, and his gaze lingers on the door of it that is left ajar.
stop getting your hopes up.
however, the enthusiasm in san's movement, plus the vague glimmer of yearning that flashes through his eyes, portray a much different story to what he tells himself.
when san swings the door of his locker open, he realises that maybe it isn't a bad thing that he was expecting him again. because there it is: a blue-coloured sheet of paper glued on the inside of his locker, causing his lips to curve upwards in content at what he wanted the most. even though all san knows about the anonymous boy is that he's apart of the soccer team, he appreciates the letters he receives more than he can put into words.
holding the pastel note in his hand, san pathetically hurries to unfold it.
hey san,
no one needs to be protected from you. whether they're straight or not, it doesn't matter. and that goes for wooyoung too. i don't know how you feel about him but i'm sure he'd agree. i'd like it if you trusted me on that. i know that you're reading these letters and i hope they're of some help. even if it's just a little, that's the least i can do right now. i hope you're doing okay. stay strong, my pretty cheerleader <3
it helps, san wants to tell him. more than you know.
rubbing at his tear-filled eyes, he is at a loss of words, barely able to comprehend what he'd just read. he feels so goddamn stupid for relying on a stranger to be comforted, but he knows there's no digging himself out of this hole now. whoever could possibly be the writer to these notes really have a way of tugging at his heart, san realises, the need to hug the life out of him never being stronger.
but he can't. it's unfortunate, but he's living in a period of time where it's way too impossible to pull out some high-tech machinery and detect who it is that feels this way towards him. and even if that was attainable, what would he do, then?
because as much as san hates to admit it, jung wooyoung is still in the picture. the same jung wooyoung who makes it so unbelievably difficult to lose feelings for, no matter how hard san tries, and who — after years — seems to finally have some sort of interest in san.
although the last thing he wants to do is lead anyone on, especially someone who's done nothing but good for him, san searches inside of his backpack, and pulls out a sheet of paper. it takes him a few moments to think about how to pose his suggestion, but he eventually comes to a decision.
hey,
to start things off, thank you. for everything. and since you're wondering, i'm doing okay, you being one of the few reasons why. i've been thinking, and i want to get to know you. maybe you could tell me bits about you as days go by, or we could meet up? i'm up for ideas, only if you're comfortable with them! please get back to me when you can!! - san <3
after repeating the words under his breath countless times, san comes to an agreement with himself that what he's written is semi decent. it's not too much, and it won't weird the receiver out, right? at least, he hopes it doesn't, because he can't think of a scenario any worse than that.
panicky, san presses a strip of tape to the top of the paper, shoving it onto the wall of his locker before he can overthink the situation any more than he already has.
———
"take care, san-ssi!" chaeryeong exclaims, tightening her ponytail as she begins to head to her next class.
"you too, chaer. i'll see you next week!" san beams at the girl, a soft giggle leaving his lips at her vigorous waving from across the corridor. he sweeps a hand through his slightly tangled hair, before making his way to his locker.
after taking a peek around the nearby area so he doesn't get caught, san hurriedly pulls out his phone from his trouser pocket in order to check the time. 13:58, the device reads; after doing the short math, he calculates that it's been almost five hours since he'd left the note, and he's been eager for a reply ever since.
san pays no mind to the busy, loud hallway he's in, pulling the door to his locker open in anticipation. his own letter has been replaced, the mere thought alone causing his heart to skip a beat. he snatches the pastel blue paper, thoughts spiralling, before reading the few sentences.
hey san,
never did i think i'd ever get a reply from you but i couldn't be happier. meeting up sounds wonderful. i'll be waiting for you up at the school roof after school <3
———
a/n: hhhhh idk what this is rly but i hope it isn't too bad? thank you for keeping up with this book, i fucking love you. sending hugs to you all <3