Madalyne's POV
How does it feel when someone you love does something you hate over and over again? How does it feel when everything goes right but then something has to go wrong? Do you feel like something is crashing you down? Who do you blame? Yourself? The person? Or fate?
You blame yourself. You blame yourself for being in the situation in the first place. You then blame the person but cannot stop loving them. Eventually you blame fate for being unfair to you. You then want to go back and undo a lot of things except love.
"Madalyne, love, p-please let me hold you," Xavier's voice breaks as he desperately wants to hold me as I keep stopping him from taking steps towards me. As much as I want to be in his warmth, I can't. I always can't have what I want.
"Ju-Just stay away! You j-just have to sort everything in chaos, r-right?" My breath hitches and lips quiver and tears just don't stop. Is this what my life is going to be like? Full of tears?
"I didn't realize," Xavier looks down, defeated. I can barely breathe here, "But I promise, I won't d-,"
"That's what you said last time and yet you-," Suddenly my eyes become blurry, making me stumble back. Xavier rushes towards me but I push him away, getting out of the suffocating house.
"Madalyne! Baby, please! Just take a deep breath, okay. Please!" I take a deep breath and close my eyes but open abruptly to look at Xavier.
"Don't come near me," I point to him as he nods, keeping a long distance between us. I just need to get away from here. Far, far away but then I realize that we eventually need to talk about something, "Let's talk."
"We don't have to...... you need to rest," Xavier says gently. This is getting worse. I am afraid I am going to say or do something wrong. I can't think of anything right now.
"Just talk!" Maybe I can calm down listening to his soothing voice but I don't want him to know that.
"Fine.....I do own other businesses....," He trails off. It makes me hesitant to ask him about his other businesses. But I need to know.
"Like what?" There is a hint of curiosity in my voice. Silence falls as he looks down.
"Underground fighting....," His words make me feel like I misheard. Fighting? Fighting is something I never liked. Maybe it's because I have seen a few happening right in front of my eyes- because of me- including the one just happened.
"You are joking, right?" I stare at him. I hope he is because I don't know how I would react.
"No... I –fuck- I know I should've told you before but- but I didn't want to lose you....," Xavier mutters under his breath. So he hides things from me because he doesn't want to lose me.
"And what other things are you hiding....from me?" I whisper the last part.
"I- am not hiding. I was waiting for the right time," I stay silent as soon as he said that. I don't know what else to say. I feel numb with a stinging ache in my heart.
"Say something....," Xavier's low voice floats.
"I don't k-know what to say," Taking a deep breath, I look at him, "Do you still participate in matches?"
"No- no, that day was the last time," He says.
"You wanted to know about Jonathan?" I ask him.
"We don't have to-," I cut him off.
"We do!" I snap. Honestly, I am letting my emotions control me which I always have been doing. These days everyone is letting their emotions control them, "Well, I don't even know what to say. He won't tell me and he doesn't want you to know either."
Xavier looks at me with a raised eyebrow before speaking, "You don't have to lie," I knew it. He won't believe me.
"I am not.... I am not lying. I don't even know how he got my number-," Xavier's eyes widen at my words.
"He what?!" His hiss makes me want to take my words all back. I know he is going to do something to Jonathan if I don't stop.
"Xavier, don't do anything you'll regret. Just forget about it," I huff.
"You are upset because I fought with the boys?" He questions out of the blue, taking me off guard.
"I am upset because- because every fucking time you start a fight because of me. Everything goes wrong because of me!" My voice rises higher.
"NO! It's all my fault. None of this shit would have happened if I wasn't in your life!" My heart skips a beat upon hearing these words. It's true what they say- the truth is bitter. The truth hurts you more than anyone can.
"You are right! It's all your fault! You started the fight today! You hurt Jason that day in the library that's why caused the drama. IT'S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!" Scream escapes my lips as I stumble upon these harsh words. I need him to get away from me because loving him will only destroy myself and him- us.
"You... you are right! I shouldn't be here.....I shouldn't be in your perfect life," His jaw clenched as he looks elsewhere; anywhere but me. I can see the agony in his shiny eyes. I know I hurt him with my words but I have no other choice.
"My perfect life? You don't know a damn thing about it!" I snap at him.
"That's because you never let me! You always avoid me when I ask about your life before us," He points between us. He is right, I wish he wasn't. That makes me feel guilty that I can't even open up to the person I love.
"You want to know? There is nothing to know," I lie to him, flicking my gaze from him. A scoff leaves his mouth.
"You always want the truth from others yet you hid yours," His words washed an ocean of realization in me. Today, he made me realize how much selfish I am; I always want things from others but I can't give any.
"You are right....I am self-centered.....maybe it's because of my mom who made me feel like I am useless, who made me feel like nobody loves me and that no one will ever give any attention to me and also kicked me out of the house. Or maybe it's because of- of that certain person who made me his puppet. And the rest you saw it happening. So yes, Mr. Hendry, my life is nowhere near perfect."
Many emotions cross his glowing eyes as he stands there, trying to comprehend what I just said. I didn't think that this would be the situation when I would open up to him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Xavier asks. He doesn't understand the fact that it is not easy to go around telling everyone my story. Even my friends, who are like sisters to me, don't even know what happened between Ian and me.
"Xavier, it's not that fucking easy!" I rasp.
"You think you are the only one with a fucked up past? You are not the only one you got kicked out. I also have a fucked up family. I used to get in cars hoping to never come out alive! You think I don't understand?!" As soon as he says that, a loud gasp leaves my mouth. His words hit me like a sledgehammer.
"W-what?" I stumble with my words.
"Maybe you are right, we both have fucked life but that doesn't mean we tell each other nothing. I am going to keep making the same mistakes triggering you if you don't make me correct me," He is right. But he is not the one making mistakes, it's me; I am making mistakes by keeping him in the dark.
"Easier said than fucking done! I think I was alright before you appeared in my life!" No I wasn't. I was a wreck before Xavier. Everything was black and white to me until he showed me the colors between them.
"But mine wasn't," He takes steps towards me and I don't even stop him. Cupping my face, he looks at me right into my broken soul. I am worried that he can read everything through me, "My life was like a wilted plant before you came and watered me to see the light of the day. You may think I don't care about you but you have no idea that I do more than just care."
My dried tears come back rolling down my eyes as his words penetrate my ears. Guilt trickles through my blood, "W-why do you care so much?" I found the courage to ask him this, finally. I hope he doesn't say I don't want him to.
"Because I do!" He says. Our faces are only a few inches away from each other, threatening to lock lips. But, I can't today.
"Why?" I demand, anticipating his answer, "What do you do more than care?"
"So many things that the list goes on," I mentally smile when I see the tenderness and truth in his eyes. He is not the Xavier who I met in the library for the first time anymore –he has changed. And it only brings me happiness and relief knowing that.
"I don't deserve you," I whisper, looking into his eyes.
"No, I don't deserve you," He chuckles, emphasizing the last word.
"Why do you care for me so much? Why did you make me your girlfriend? I am just a hurt girl with a fucked up past, who messes everything up and isn't capable of expressing feelings," When you say it out loud, it hits differently and hurts more. Maybe that's why I don't speak up about the unfortunate truth of my life.
Xavier stays silent. He debates in his mind, whether to tell me or not. If only I could read minds. After a long staring competition, he says, "I don't want to lose you."
"You didn't answer my question."
"I don't have to."
"Yes, you do!"
"I don't,"
"Tell me," My tone holds desperation. I lift my hand, putting them over his, "Why?!"
"Because I love you," Everything else muffles in my ears as only his words echo in me. He looks at me with an expression that I cannot comprehend. He loves me? Didn't we just meet? How can he love me? I am not loveable.
I gape at him as his jaw slowly clenched. Say it! Say it back! Say it! Fuck, Madalyne, say the damn phrase back. Say it!! Do it! Fucking say it back!
'I love you too' But the words don't come out of my trembling lips.
Xavier slowly let's go of my drenched face. I can't even look at him right now. He takes steps backwards, away from me. Not only had I lost him from my heart but also his warmth. I do love him. I love him more than anything; more than myself. But I didn't say it back. And it makes me want to hurt myself bad.
His gaze holds anger, hurt, sorrow and lots of other emotions and that's when I see his eyes going red, threatening to release tears.
"Xavier....y-," He stops me, showing his palm. His flickers elsewhere then back to me but this time they are stone cold.
"Don't.... It's better if you just leave," Even his tone holds no hint of emotion. This is it. He turns to head back to his house and shuts the door. I just stand there numb and with a broken heart. Why didn't I say it?
I turn to run away just like I do from everyone. They are not the only ones needing help; it's me too. I am just not perfect; I am pushing people away; I don't deserve my friends; I don't deserve this life.
I don't deserve Xavier –the love of my life.
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