Capital 15 Decision
As Sam walks along Kameruner Straße toward the Seestraße subway station, the cold wind blows in his face.
He enjoys every cold breeze on his burning skin.
He wishes his mind would cool down, too.
A day like this requires close observation.
Otherwise, Sam would let the moments, conversations, gestures, metaphors run through his mind in detail.
Analyzing them. Draw conclusions.
He let himself go on two journeys today.
The first took him back to his childhood. Released pent-up feelings. Made him surrender to grief. Feel it and let it go.
The second led him to his homeland. Into past imprints and impacts. And the journey took them to the present and showed him the future.
And both journeys he did not take alone.
YU.
YU accompanied him.
YU.
Sam's heart tightens as the name of the man in black echoes through his body.
His throat tightens.
YU accompanied him in a form tailored for Sam.
Everything about him fits.
His metaphors make Sam's mind hover over the most wonderful natural phenomena.
And not just his mind.
Sam falters and takes a deep breath.
YU made him get erect twice today.
Twice.
Each trip resulted in a hungry desire in his lap.
Sam shakes his head.
There's a system behind this, isn't there?
There can't be.
There's a reason for it.
A psychological reason why Sam's body is having such a physical reaction.
Sam searches his memory for possible theories on this.
When his mind doesn't come up with any ways, Sam listens within.
His feelings could show him the way.
But Sam only feels empty.
As if he had left his feelings behind on the two journeys.
Left behind.
"I left YU behind." he suddenly says aloud as he stops his march.
The bright lights of Müllerstrasse flutter as colorfully as the loud traffic noise on the central artery in Berlin Wedding.
Sam stands still in the lively movement of the surroundings.
Sam has left YU behind.
YU's expression on his face at the door appears before Sam's eyes.
His heart begins to race.
The panic that made him leave YU now rises from the tips of his feet high into his body.
A sea of ice floods his body.
All warmth escapes and Sam feels himself freeze.
He has left YU behind.
The YU who accompanied him.
Did not leave his side.
Sam freezes.
He looks at the bright lights on Müllerstraße. Colorful Latys sell everything necessary 24 hours a day. The subway station is not 100 meters away. Stairs lead underground.
The train finally brings Sam's apartment closer.
Sam stands still.
Can't go forward, but can't go back either.
And he is so cold. As cold as he's ever been.
He closes his eyes and searches for a decision.
He imagines unlocking his apartment door.
How he stands under the shower.
Paying a quick visit to his terrace.
Enjoying the sight of the Lietzensee Park sleeping in the night.
And the glittering black of the Lietzensee reminds Sam of YU.
His smiling face wraps warmly around Sam's tense heart.
He remembers the feel of YU's hand on his face.
A warming bliss enters Sam and spreads to all the blood-supplied vessels and muscles of his body.
And he sees YU's body writhing with his eyes closed.
Sam wants to touch him.
Wants to hear him.
And Sam feels himself swell.
He remembers the moment of the soft groan.
YU's arousal.
And Sam feels his blood boiling, flowing into his hard center.
Free fall.
Without a safety catch.
And Sam snorts several times and begins to run.
Briskly at first, then even faster.
He runs and skips down several flights of stairs to the track.
He runs.
Away from himself.
Meanwhile, YU sits in the dark at his Sam Lin table.
He seems calm.
No inner levitation makes him seem so calm.
Tonight, YU fails to levitate.
When Sam disappeared into the stairwell, his mother grabbed him by the back of the neck.
In periods when she was vital, she always clawed at his flesh as she led the way. When she reached her destination, she pushed him and destroyed him with her words.
Void.
Invisible.
She didn't want to see him, didn't want to hear him.
And he didn't want her to see him. Afraid of her fits.
The depressive episodes allowed YU to make contact. He tried to take care of her as best he could.
Even though she often refused everything, she didn't take her anger out on him. He was allowed to care.
And so YU learned to love unrequitedly.
An invisible carer.
And when Sam left him, he opened a door for YU's mother.
The mother who showed him how worthless he was.
How unloved he was.
He has only himself in the world.
YU sits quietly at his Sam Lin table and listens to his mother.
Quietly she whispers to him that it is his own fault. He has once again shown too much of himself. He should disappear. Disappear.
In the dark room, YU listens to his mother as she destroys him.
She scoffs that he has imagined that he has found someone who sees him. Who wants him. And then another man.
"You are disgusting. You disgust me. Nobody wants you. Get out of here! Dissolve! I can't stand you!" his mother yells at him.
YU feels himself hardening inside.
Impenetrable walls are rising up.
His mother's words give him the strength to admit it to himself.
He can.
He can only be for himself.
This is his life.
Free of expectations and needs.
And with an unrequited love.
He decides to be an invisible worrier for Sam Lin.