Muffin: Callum
Pookie: Jordan
Poptart: Kara
^For people who were confused about who was who.
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Fearful thoughts ran through my mind as we got all of my stuff together. They let me take a moment to myself in the room.
Each time I took a step forward, my mind would try and make me take two steps back. I couldn't stop thinking about master, I almost wanted him to come for me so he could prove what we had was real. He wouldn't show anyone else but when his friends and Amanda would leave with their share of the money we made, he would show me love and care.
He'd comfort me, let me take baths with him, touch me in all the right places with a certain gentleness that his friends never gave when it was their turn.
"Callum. He's good for you, mom, he loves you. Dean doesn't." Alex's voice rang through my ears."I don't like seeing you in pain. I don't like looking down at you and seeing you let dean do that stuff to you, mom. Please, let yourself love Callum again."
I had to do this. If not for myself then for my son. I needed to forget about master and let them bring me true happiness.
But I was happy. I was so happy with him.
But I was even happier with Muffin. So much happier. So much safer. I felt free, alive, independent and strong.
Master didn't let me feel any of those things. Only safe, sometimes. When his friends would get carried away and he'd stop them, it showed that I was important to him, in some weird way.
"Okay," I whispered to myself, closing my eyes and letting out a deep breath, "I can do this. Whatever happens, happens. Just go with the flow." One more deep breath and I turned around to face the door, forcing my hand out to twist the knob and pull it open to where Muffin, Pookie and Poptart stood, patiently waiting with supportive smiles on their faces.
"We're ready when you are." Poptart smiled. I nodded and forced my quivering lip to stop, sinking my teeth into it to appear strong and sure of this. After taking one last breath, I took a step forward.
They immediately followed. Muffin was on my right side and Pookie was on my left. The sound of Poptarts heels clicking on the floor was behind me, I was protected from all sides but the front. I felt safe, secure and assured myself that I was going to be okay with the three of them surrounding me.
"They're having a sale in the hospital cafeteria." Pookie said, breaking the silence in the elevator as we headed down to the main floor, "Should we head down there, go check it-"
"Shut up." Muffin cut him off.
"Right." He said, tapping his foot against the floor, "Didn't sound that good anyway."
I smiled, holding back a laugh. He looked down at me and winked before the elevator stopped and the doors slowly opened. We walked out, still in that same position with the three of them surrounding me.
I jumped in surprise when Oscar kicked off of the wall beside the elevator, tucked his phone into his pocket and walked right in front of me, leading all of us out. I wasn't the shortest person in the world, my height was mediocre but with these three brooding men surrounding me while my best friend protected me from the back, I felt smaller than ever.
But it was in a good way. Not small like how when master would tell me how stupid I was, small as in I felt cared for as a good parent cares for their child, all doubts that I was having before were long gone now that wherever I turned, a person I trusted was right there, ready to help and protect me if I needed it.
I didn't feel as exposed and alone as I did with master, I felt covered up with security with each of them holding me up from each side, supporting me.
"Thank you," Oscar nodded at the front desk lady who stared with wide eyes at the odd sight in front of her. She was probably wondering why a single girl needed so many people escorting her out.
The front doors opened and we stepped out into the icy cold morning where frost was now covering the trees, puddles from them melting on the ground. With each breath that I let out, a small cloud of fog came out. My eyes felt cross eyed as we made our way through the parking lot, them leading me to the car while I busied myself with doing the action, again and again, never getting bored of it.
I did it as a kid as well, and used to pretend I was smoking.
I sniffled, feeling my nose get cold and held the hole of my sleeve up to cover and warm it up. That's when the sight of a middle-aged man came into sight. The familiar scar starting at his forehead then through his eyes and stopping mid-cheek became visible as a warm smile grew onto his lips when we came into view.
Ignoring everyone's calls to slow down, I moved past Oscar and started running over to Rocko, feeling a sting at the back of my eyes, trying to force the tears back. I threw myself into his arms, letting out a cry as he wrapped his arms around me, that fatherly feeling of comfort engulfing me within seconds.
"I'm so glad you're okay." He mumbled, pressing a kiss against the top of my head. I didn't respond, just kept my eyes closed as I breathed him in. That old scented cologne he used mixed with a slight feminine scent which was his wife's perfume filled my nose, making a smile appear on my lips.
He pulled away and held my face in his hands, smiling before placing another kiss on my forehead. Then he pulled the passenger seat door open and helped me inside. Everyone piled into the back, sounding like they were struggling.
I looked back at them to see Poptart squished in between the two men while Oscar went to his own car.
"Do you want me to sit in the back?" I asked them, going to unbuckle my seatbelt when they said no, slightly adjusting themselves but it didn't seem to make them feel any better, "We can just switch if you wan-"
"No, it's okay, sweetheart." Muffin assured, trying to shove Poptart away. "You'll be comfier up there. Just remind me to get Rocko a better car." He glared at the back of Rocko's head as he climbed in.
"You aren't touching my beauty." Rocko glared into the rear-view mirror, "She's been with me since the eighty's boy, we aren't getting rid of her."
Muffin rolled his eyes, "I'm fucking burning it the second you turn your head."
"Try me, motherfucker." Rocko threw him the finger. I held back a smile and looked around us as we drove through the city. All of the people walking around, buying things, fully dressed in the comfiest looking clothes and with their families.
They look so free. So at ease. So happy.
Then we were driving past a diner.
"Rocko?" I turned to him, fiddling with the drawstrings on Muffins hoodie.
"Yes, ma'am?" He said, turning his head to acknowledge me before slowing down to a stop at the red light.
"Can I get a milkshake?" I looked down, avoiding his eyes.
"Of course," He said, making my shoulders, which I didn't know were tense, relax. The beating of my heart slowed and the twist in my stomach straightened as I looked back at him.
"Thank you," I smiled.
"No need to thank me," He switched lanes and turned into the parking lot, "Get me strawberry, here." He handed me a twenty-dollar bill.
"I'll go with her." Pookie said from the back, "I want a cheeseburger."
"Get me chocolate," Poptart called out and I nodded, looking at Muffin who was just looking at me with a smile on his face.
I couldn't stop myself from smiling back, "Do you want anything?" He shook his head and I nodded, reluctantly breaking eye contact and grabbed Pookie's held-out hand. He kept his hand in mine as we walked through the parking lot, only letting go when we were inside the diner.
"Hi, what can I get for you today?" A male's voice asked. I switched my gaze from the menu down to his face, my whole body tensing up in fear and shock as I stopped in my tracks.
Master.
"Hi, baby girl." He smirked, complete darkness in his eyes as he sized me up.
"Master?" I whimpered. Why wasn't I happy to see him? I hadn't seen him in so long, I was longing for him every second of the day. What happened? Why am I not rushing into his arms, begging for him to take me back like he said I would?
"Anything else?" I shook my head as the stranger's voice changed from master's to a whole other. The cropped hair and blue eyes were the same but it was a different face, a complete stranger standing in front of me with a kind smile as Pookie gently eased me to the side so the next person could order.
We stood against the wall, waiting for our order. I kept my eyes on the floor, not daring to make eye contact with anyone around me in case I had another hallucination. The doctor told Muffin those wouldn't go away until I got proper medication for it. I didn't know what that meant but it seemed like he understood so he just nodded and assured her they already had that all planned out.
I didn't mind being kept in the dark anymore. Some decisions were best left to the people around me.
"What're you thinking about, love?" Pookie asked. I sighed and shook my head, not really having an answer and just leaned into him, resting my head against his arm. He shifted to wrap it around me and pulled me into his chest, "I love you, okay?"
I nodded, "I love you, too."
"Two chocolate, one strawberry milkshake and a cheeseburger!" Someone called out. He kept me in his hold as we walked forward together then headed out. I kept myself busy with the milkshake on our way home, trying to get my mind off of master and these annoying illusions I kept on having.
It was like I was battling with myself. The part that wanted master seemed like it was winning. I didn't want to try and think about what lengths I'd go to, to try and get back to him. I felt abandoned, I had all of these people around me, showing me love and care, yet I was still wanting to go back to master.
That made me feel even guiltier.
It was a drastic change, going from being in the warmth of master's home in my little corner where he told me I didn't have to do anything, I could just sit there and be free, enjoy my life with no responsibilities. He made it sound so fun, so complete like I wouldn't need anything else in life.
But now I'm here, in a car and able to see and communicate with other people. I had clothes on, I got to eat some stuff and I didn't have to kiss anyone's foot or wait for them to allow me to look at them. I thought I loved doing those things. Now, not so much. The thought sounds pretty unsanitary, to be completely honest.
This is what he said would happen. I would get confident, push myself and act independently like I didn't need him. Then something would go wrong, anything, and I would start screaming for him, begging for him to take me back and never dare leave him again.
And I believed him.
"...It's just too heavy for me," Rocko's voice brought me out of my thoughts, "My body can't get rid of all that chocolate as fast as it used to. Not all of us are still twenty years old, you idiot."
"Whatever," Pookie responded, "I'm just saying, even after all these years, I can't believe you get strawberry milkshakes."
"I always thought he'd be into vanilla," Muffin added.
"I thought Neapolitan." Poptart pitched in.
"Strawberry suits you," I assured him. He smiled, winking at me as we got to the gates of the estate. He rolled his window down and placed his thumb on the pad, a few seconds later the gates opened.
Familiar faces standing behind nodded at me with a smile. I smiled back, recognizing them from the warehouse when I used to train. Even more appeared when we pulled up to the house and waved at me. My smile grew as I waved back.
"Mary?" Muffin asked one of them as we got to the front door.
"Still cooking," The man answered, then looked at me with a smirk, "Welcome back, boss."
Boss.
"Hi," I smiled, reaching out to hold Muffin's hand. He caressed the back of mine, silently reassuring me as we walked past them. He opened the door and let me walk in first. I looked around, taking everything in. So big but cozy, so dark but so bright, so many memories, so many feelings, so much happiness.
I breathed in through my nose, the smell of Mary's fresh, yummy pastries, the crisp clean air freshener and the hint of candy cane filled my nose. My shoulders slumped in complete relaxation as I waited for the three of them to walk ahead of me and lead us towards the kitchen.
They all gestured with their hands, "Go ahead. We're right behind you."
I nodded, hesitantly taking a few steps forward while fisting the fabric of my hoodie in my hands in nervousness. I hadn't seen her in so long so when I walked into the dining room where she was standing, placing different dishes on the table, tears immediately blurred my vision of her.
She hadn't noticed me yet being too busy getting everything set exactly the way she liked it until she was satisfied. I placed my hands over my mouth, keeping in a cry until she turned around and froze.
"Mary," I whimpered.
"Oh, Nia." She gasped, almost in shock. Neither of us could believe it, that we were seeing each other again. It was like seeing my mother again, only better. She was more to me than my mother ever was, more than my mother ever will be.
The next thing I knew, her arms were wrapped around me and mine around her. We cried to our heart content into each other's shoulders, holding on so tight I don't think either of us could breathe. But I didn't care, all I cared about was the feeling of her soft arms around me, the warmth and support her body lent me.
We were standing there for a while even though by the end of it, the embrace felt like it lasted only seconds when we pulled away. I forgot how this house made me feel, how these people, my family, made me feel. I forgot how close we are, how much strength I felt when we're united.
I missed this feeling. The feeling I never got with master. It was only us two in that house, no one else, no breaks. Just us. It was the one thing he could never give me, a family.
"Are you alright?" She pulled away and examined me, brushing my hair out of my face and moving my head in different angles. I smiled, grabbing her hands and holding them to my chest.
"I'm fine, Mary," I assured her.
She shook her head, tears falling out of her eyes and down her face, "I thought I'd never see you again." She sniffled and pulled me back into her, letting out shaky breaths. I felt her heart racing in her chest, the way her hands shook around me and noticed how she had dark circles around her eyes. Her skin wasn't as lively as it used to be, the life in her eyes seemed to be dimming.
That's how everyone looked and it confused the hell out of me. I didn't think they were suffering this much.
"Alright," She pulled away, wiping the tears and smiled, "Go freshen up, the food's almost ready. She can eat anything now, yes?"
"Yeah, the doctor said it should be fine." Muffin nodded then smiled at me, "Come on, there's someone else that's been wanting to see you."
I nodded and followed him after placing a kiss on Mary's cheek.
"He doesn't get up and run to the door anymore," Muffin told me as we walked down the hallway to his room, "That's probably going to change now though."
A certain ache filled my chest. He loves greeting people.
He gently pushed the door open, revealing the same dark interior inside the spacious room that was well lit up with the light coming in from the windows. I had a quick look around until my eyes stopped at the corner of the room where a doggy bed sat.
On top of the bed laid a ball of big, black fur with some touches of brown. His back was to me, his ears perked up at the sound of the door but he didn't get up, just laid there instead of checking who entered. It was as if he didn't care anymore. I frowned in pity as Muffin walked over to him and crouched down.
"Hey, buddy." He pet Miles's head. The dog lifted his head to look at him and gave a few gentle licks to the man's face. He chuckled in response and stood up, nodding at me.
"Miles." I called in a gentle voice.
In a flash, he looked back at me then fell onto his back, violently wiggling around to try and get on his feet. When he did, he froze. I watched as his nose twitched, sniffing around as he took slow, cautious steps closer and closer to me. I crouched and sat in a criss cross then held my hand out for him to sniff.
When he was close enough, he dipped his head and sniffed, coming closer and closer. He let out a low growl but made no move to attack. I lowered my hand to the ground and he followed, laying with his legs sprawled out. I reached out to pet his head, he closed his eyes, not taking long to fall onto his back and let me rub his belly.
Why he was being so calm, I didn't know. But I could tell he knew it was me and that fact alone made me happy.
At least I still have one of my kids.
I forced that thought out of my mind the second it appeared and focused on what was in front of me.
I need to focus on what I have, not what I've lost.
Miles lays his head on my lap, his butt shaking behind him in happiness as he whines, trying to get as close to me as possible. I hear a chuckle beside us and look to Muffin who's sitting on the bed above us with a longing look on his face mixed with the tiniest bit of hurt, "He missed you."
I look into his eyes where the slight pain on his features is accompanied by the rest of it that he attempted to hide inside. But he couldn't. From the slight frown on the corners of his lips, twitch of his finger as he tapped it against his other, redness surrounding his pupils and puffy eyes, I could tell he was in pain.
I placed a kiss on Miles's head then stood up, going to sit on the bed beside him but hesitated.
"What's wrong?" He asked, wondering why I froze.
I sighed, that nervous twist in my stomach coming back when I had to ask for something. With master, asking for stuff usually ended in punishment because I should've already known the answer to the questions I asked him. Here, I had no idea.
What were the boundaries? What was I not allowed to do? Should I ask before leaving and entering a room, asking for food, or waiting for someone to carry me to the bath?
I didn't know and it killed me. I felt like a burden, like dead, dumb weight that was only going to drag them down. That's why I should've stayed with master, he knew the answer to all of these questions, I didn't. I didn't know.
"Can I," I paused, feeling dumb for asking, "Can I sit on the bed?"
His face fell, that pain he was hiding in his eyes now contorting his face, making him carelessly reveal it. He sighed, "Yes, you don't need to ask."
"Okay," I nodded and sat beside him, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms that seemed tiny around his, "You just looked unhappy." He chuckles although there doesn't seem to be any amusement laced in his tone as he looks at me.
"You're beautiful, you know that?" Butterflies filled my stomach at the look on his face, looking expectantly at me, "Come on, say it."
"Say what?" I asked, zoned out, almost in a trance as those bright blue eyes held me captive in their gaze.
"Tell me how beautiful you are." He said, moving his hand to hold mine, caressing the back of it gently.
I shifted awkwardly, feeling tingles appear throughout my body as a certain heat set aflame on my skin where his thumb was brushing back and forth, "I'm beautiful?"
"Are you?" He nodded with a teasing tone.
"I don't know." I scratched the back of my neck and broke eye contact.
"I don't know either, seems like you're questioning it, sweetheart." He said, holding my face in his hands as he brought my eyes back to his, "Eyes on me. Say it."
"I'm beautiful." I smiled. He smiled back, his face getting slightly closer to mine. I felt a pull making my head move closer as well as his hold on my hand became more firm. The hand I had on the bed fisted the sheets, waiting for the moment to come as I closed my eyes.
But it never came. I heard a sigh and opened my eyes to see him no longer looking at me but at the floor in frustration.
Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong?
"Come with me." He stood up and held his hand out for me to take. My hands shook at my sides in fear as I looked down, trying to hold back tears. Hesitantly, I gave him one and he eased me up, leading me to the other side of the bed then into the bathroom.
He went over to the bathtub and started filling it up as I watched through the mirror, my lower lip quivering as a lone tear fell out of my eye. I immediately wiped it off, closed them and took a deep breath.
It'll be over soon.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I heard his voice right behind me and quickly turned around, startled at the sudden warmth radiating off of him engulfing my body.
"Nothing. I'm sorry, I'll get my clothes off-"
"What? Why are you sorry?" He held me back from walking away and placed a finger under my chin to look him in the eyes, "Talk to me, sweetheart. Take a deep breath." I did as he said, the breath I took coming out shaky as more tears built up in my eyes.
"Why are you filling the bathtub?" I wondered, pointing over to it.
"So you can take a bath, what else?" He said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"You're not mad at me? I'm only going in there for a bath, nothing else?" I confirmed.
He nodded, "Yes, I promise."
"Oh," I immediately relaxed but tensed up again. This could be a trick.
"I'm sorry, master, he was just too rough." I cried into master's shoulder as he patted my back. A few minutes prior, I was screaming and kicking away a client who was new, I had never seen him before. Immediately, he was hurting me, making me uncomfortable and I couldn't handle it anymore, I didn't want any more.
"Shh, it's okay." He placed a kiss on my neck, making me relax in his hold, "Come. Let's take a bath." He unlocked my collar and brought me up with him as I cried silently into his shoulder, finding comfort in the familiarity of his arms around me instead of the stranger who was holding me down and hitting me.
He placed me on the counter, the bath already full and ready with bubbles in it. He took my bra off for me then followed with the matching pair of panties then placed me in the tub. I watched as he pulled up his stool and sat in front of me, petting my hair with a gentle touch.
"He was too rough for you?" He asked. I nodded.
"You didn't feel comfortable with him?" I shook my head, mumbling a no.
"Do you think kicking him and screaming for help was the right thing to do?"
I frowned, shaking my head and he nodded in agreement, "What have I told you to do when you feel uncomfortable with a client?"
My frown deepened, "Get over it. Sit and take it no matter what or else master will be disappointed."
He nodded, "And what does master do to baby girl when he's disappointed?"
"He punishes her," I realized, tears already falling down my face when he suddenly fisted his hand in my hair and pushed me into the water. I closed my mouth, feeling chaos unravel around me as my hands held onto the edge, trying to pull myself up but to no use.
I don't know how long he kept me under there for, but I was at my breaking point soon enough. The pressure of the water against every inch of my body caused a stabbing pain to appear on my ears and eyes. I opened my mouth, letting out what felt like a scream but was silent. A cry for help that was left unnoticed and ignored by everyone around.
That silent cry that I wish I had the guts to scream out when I was in that corner, watching people outside the window live their lives of freedom while I was stuck in here.
Water began seeping into my already tortured lungs, my body sat in a mass amount of pain that was only controlled by him. I thought that was it, it was my time and I was finally going to be put out of my misery with my last few thoughts being the faces of those who mattered most to me.
Jasmine.
Imani.
Axel.
Rocko.
Mary.
Kara.
Jordan.
Miles.
Alex.
Callum.
Master.
But then that slight flash of light that had appeared above me disappeared and I was pulled out of the water, the pressure above me breaking and letting me free. I gasped, breathing hard and taking in each breath with more need than the last. That ache in my chest, in my lungs, in my heart, my head, everywhere increased as I looked into his eyes.
The eyes that held no remorse, no emotion. The tone of his voice held no sincerity or pity, no care in the world that he was about to kill me as he explained to me that if I ever did that again, my punishment would be worse.
Then he continued bathing me like nothing had happened, kissed me and touched me before bed as if we were a happy couple. All the while I wondered when my family would come for me. Come save me.
And they did. They saved me. After they saved me, they didn't hurt me, they didn't make me feel small and dumb. So I decided to trust Muffin and pulled my hoodie off. He backed away, diverting his eyes as I stripped completely out of my clothes.
When I turned around to place my clothes on the counter, I froze. I backed away, letting the full view of my scarred body be seen with my own eyes. I saw my legs and arms at the hospital, I saw everything when I'd go in their bathroom to change but I was seeing everything, up close and personal in all its glory, covering my body as if I had been attacked by tigers.
But no, it was just a few men who had knives, looking for blood in their prey. That prey was me.
I let out a shaky breath and looked at Muffin who was staring at me like everything was normal, like he was used to seeing bodies that looked like this. But it was an act, that longing look in his eyes that was full of want, love and care was all an act. Who sees a body this damaged and still finds beauty in it? No one.
I'm nothing but damaged goods. Just like they said I'd be.
I broke eye contact and walked over to the bathtub with my arms wrapped around my torso, trying to conceal as many scars as I could even though I was just covering scarred skin with even more scars. I couldn't escape it, the memories, the pain, the lies.
He never loved me. If he did, he would've come back for me, he would've done anything he could do to make sure I stayed with him. But he didn't, now I'm here and I'm going to learn.
I'm going to learn how to live again. With or without him.
AUTHORS NOTE!!!
period.
I'm real proud to see how supportive, patient and sensitive people are being with Nia and her trauma. let's keep it that way, yeah?
I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, I'd really appreciate it if you voted, followed and commented on any feedback you may have. Leave some song recommendations in the comments for me to add to the TC playlist on Spotify, @reyatutt :) Make sure you guys have something to eat, drink a ton of water to stay hydrated and stay safe.
See you next time, sexy;)