Chapter 14 Desire
It's not until they get up that they both notice the alcohol taking effect.
YU giggles to himself and holds onto the table.
Even though Sam is struggling with his own balance right now, he doesn't take his eyes off YU for a moment.
YU's wrinkled nose, raised eyebrows, clenched mouth, and silent sway from his giggles amuse Sam.
He wants to pinch him.
Tickle him.
See him laugh uproariously.
Sam really has to restrain himself.
Stand up to his alcohol-induced lack of inhibition.
If only he could avert his gaze.
"Is the turtle wobbly on his feet?" smirks Sam.
YU looks at him indignantly and with an effort to be serious.
"Not at all. Your slime just threw me for a moment." he replies, letting go of the tabletop, grabbing the pitcher and sake cups, and walking toward the door.
"Come, I'll show you the world of the man in black now," he calls to Sam.
Sam hurries over to the slightly swaying YU and takes the jug, which is only half full, from him.
YU chuckles again and continues walking.
Sam stops at the door and watches as YU sidles lithely around the small tables and sits down on the floor at the retreat next to his bed.
He looks at Sam and taps the pillow that is on the floor next to him.
Sam hesitates for a moment and looks at the maze-like paths that lead to YU along the various retreat little towns.
With a smile, he walks along one of these paths and reaches his destination.
YU.
He sits down on the cushion next to YU.
"Now you don't have a pillow at all. Wait.", he says, puts the jug on the small table and crawls to the next table. There he reaches for the pillow and returns.
"Very thoughtful. Thank you. Wouldn't have been necessary.", YU says timidly, making himself comfortable on the pillow, pouring them both sake and holding out his cup to Sam.
"It is my great honor to sit at this table with Sam Lin," YU raises his cup.
"I'm pleased to meet YU Teng's retreat," Sam toasts.
The now-uncooled sake flows warmly into there body.
"Then let me introduce you to all my thinkers accompanying me.
At that table over there, I give myself over to the thoughts of Fromm. He was the one who sparked my interest in German literature. I have been struggling with his understanding of love for years. It's a theme that has been with me all my life," YU explains as he points to the small table next to his library.
Sam follows YU's finger with his eyes and listens intently.
"That's where Freud immortalized himself. The father of psychology has cheered me up in numerous difficult moments. His intellect and wit never let a line get boring. I am an absolute Freudian. He's really brilliant.", YU chuckles while pointing to another table.
And again, Sam looks in the direction YU's finger is pointing him. Only this time, his attention is disturbed by a small twinge in the pit of his stomach. A brief moment of resentment. He's a Freudian himself, too, and thinks he's a genius, but he doesn't want to hear that from YU.
"At that table, Nietzsche and Schopenhauer meet. I have been studying their conception of life and death for some time. I'm looking for answers to questions I've been asking myself since I was a child.
At these times, Kafka's thoughts and works also make me feel understood. His table is right behind it," YU describes his system.
Sam nods silently, admiring YU's depths.
"Yes, and here at this table," YU interrupts himself with a sigh, "Here is the genius thinker who made me spend the entire summer semester break just in my apartment.
At this table.
I devoured his every word.
Day after day.
Fantasized shared conversations.
He mentally accompanied me and made me breathe a sigh of relief."
YU sighs with sparkle in his eyes, reaches for the pitcher and prepares the next round.
Without a cheers speech, just with a quick push, he downs the sake.
He contorts his face and finally grins.
Sam's heart, meanwhile, just beats unrythmically.
He feels a negative excitement rising in him with every word YU says.
A restlessness.
"And guess what, I met him. And every previous highest imagination was eclipsed. He surpasses every imagination.", YU breathes with widened, with admiring, with amorous cat eyes.
And YU's words and the sight of his languishing erupt a sea of flames in Sam.
No shouting of his reason can come against the loud burning of his heart.
YU sees Sam's expression darken.
He ponders what triggered him.
"Sam, are you okay?" asks YU tentatively.
And only earns a scowl.
YU looks at Sam questioningly.
The latter suddenly reaches for the jug and looks for a way to quench himself.
They both drink the sake and YU continues to look at Sam with wide eyes.
"Well tell me, who is your secret love, your spiritual second half?" it growls out of Sam.
YU grins immediately.
He finally dares to think that maybe Sam is jealous.
Just a fleeting thought.
Accompanied by a fleeting tingle in his stomach.
Now he chuckles and decides to go one better.
He slowly leans forward and rests his head on the table. His arms follow him. He hugs the table and rests his cheek on the warm wooden table with his eyes facing Sam.
And smiles.
And sees the color change in Sam's face.
Sam's body burns.
A suffocating sense of loss overwhelms him.
A sad heaviness of heart presses in his body.
He can no longer return Yu's gaze.
He looks away.
"Sam Lin." says YU.
Sam feels called and squints at YU.
"Sam Lin.", he repeats and straightens up again.
Sam sees YU tracing some writing on the table with his fingers. Then he starts stroking the writing with one hand and beckoning Sam to him with the other.
He smiles shyly at Sam.
And Sam approaches YU. He looks at the table. YU is still covering the lettering with his hand. He slowly strokes the name and pulls his hand to the side.
Sam Lin shows me the way, is written on the table with a pencil.
And Sam feels himself turning crimson.
He's sure YU hears his heart thumping loudly.
He feels the wings of relief flutter within him.
A deep longing makes him fume inside.
The mixture of his emotions makes him feel faint.
He begins to rub his face with both hands.
A soft snort accompanies it.
He hears YU chuckle and continues to cover his face with his hands.
A strange mood of embarrassment emanates from Sam.
"At this table, I listen to Sam Lin's thoughts. His explanations of the metaphors of each person and the interpretation of dreams have robbed me of my night's rest. I can't stop finding new fascinating lines in his treatises. When I sit at this table, I lose all sense of time and space," YU explains his obsession with Sam.
The Sam who is now sitting next to him, still hiding his face behind his hands.
YU notices Sam's embarrassment and lets himself get infected.
The alcohol has made him gush too much. Let him show and tell too much.
He also feels the shame covering him.
"You okay? Let me get you a water," YU says, trying to escape to the kitchen.
Sam takes his hands off his face and grabs YU's arm.
"I don't want any water. Just sit here. I just need to stretch for a minute," Sam's deep voice rings out.
He pulls YU back, leans over, rests his head on YU's lap, and stretches.
And now it's YU who fears Sam hears his heart explode.
"Why didn't you tell me in the first place that you were talking about Sam Lin. Nasty turtle!" growls Sam, and then says even lower, "Don't do that."
YU is out of his mind.
Sam's head on his leg is driving him crazy.
A seething tide of desire overwhelms him.
The desire to touch Sam.
To stroke his hair.
To touch his face.
And more.
All his repressed desires, hidden from consciousness, scream unfiltered in his filigree body. Formulate their urge, express their desire emphatically, want to be satisfied immediately.
YU sits cross-legged at his Sam Lin table and feels the ingenious head of Sam lying on his leg.
And he wants to touch it.
Incessantly.
For the rest of his life.
His physical reactions blow up his body.
His psychic reactions reveal unconscious truths to him.
He wants to win Sam for himself.
YU's inner stirrings finally formulate into words with hot breath:
"Only Sam Lin is able to capture me like this. Only he can make me want to show myself," YU whispers drunkenly.
Sam feels YU's words send him into a supreme frenzy.
The feeling of losing YU to this Sam Lin floods his mind. He can't believe it.
His inner burning demands more.
Let YU prove it to him.
Prove.
He should prove it to him, who this Sam Lin is and what he does with him.
"Show him to me! Show me your Sam Lin!" he says, dumbstruck by his inner stirrings.
YU hesitates for a moment, collects himself and carefully places his hand on Sam's face.
A touch that takes them both away.
Both of their hearts beating to the limit.
Both feeling a deep desire glow in their laps.
Sam's breathing gets heavier while YU can barely breathe.
He gently strokes Sam's face and withdraws his hand.
Too much.
Too much.
YU's shaky hand looks for a way out.
The closeness is dangerous and too much.
Sam is so intoxicated by YU's hand that the escape hurts him.
"The smart turtle has a good taste. Sam Lin is really brilliant.", Sam grumbles and laughs.
YU smirks and is relieved, at Sam's taken direction.
"Yeah, that's true. He's just so extremely slimy. He leaves his slime trails everywhere. I slipped on his slime and lost my mind. He really needs to work on that, the slug," he chuckles heartily.
Sam grins, grabs YU's arm and yanks him down to him on the floor.
"You're naughty, tutle. Now you've let me into your little house. Now there's no turning back.", Sam's voice sounds threatening.
And he begins to tickle YU.
He digs his fingers into YU's belly, tickles him under his arms, pinches his hips.
YU's loud laughter spurs him on.
YU's resistance sparks his strength.
They scuffle with each other. YU uses all his strength to hold Sam's arms. To free himself from his fingers tickling him.
In vain.
Sam's strong hands grab his wrists and squeeze them tightly on the ground above his head.
Only with his body can he fight back.
He squirms and tries to free himself.
Sam grins in amazement at YU's quite powerful squirming.
Without thinking, he lies down on YU and still presses YU's wrists above his head with his hands.
His heavy body now does not let YU move.
YU gives in and lets Sam catch him.
He feels his body resting on him and sees Sam's grinning face in front of his.
And he can't help it.
YU is getting erect under Sam.
And blushes.
And a barely audible groan escapes his mouth as he tries to exhale.
Sam's pupils dilate.
His grin is replaced by a deep pleading look.
Behind many closed doors of his consciousness, he feels YU's hard erection pressing against his belly.
And when he finally realizes his own hardness, sheer panic grips him.
He lets go of YU and jumps up.
Dizzy from the abrupt movement, he swings a bit and runs toward the bathroom.
YU hears the bathroom door close and shakes his head.
He crouches down and hides his head between his arms.
And when Sam is still not back after five minutes, he gets up, goes to the kitchen and gets water.
Back at his Sam Lin table, he sits down, pours them both a big glass of water, takes a sip, and rests his head on the table.
How many times had he fallen asleep in this position?
And he wishes he could wake up here again and it was all just a dream.
How could this happen?
Sam will surely not want to have any more contact. YU is sure he realized it and doesn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. How could he let it get this far? The sake is to blame. He let himself be tempted. Why did his body react like that?
While YU, with his head on the table, reproaches himself and goes through a fear of having lost Sam for good, Sam struggles in the bathroom with his erection that just won't settle down.
He feels ashamed and shakes his head in bewilderment.
Until now, he kept to himself when paying attention to his libido. Only a few women had managed to get him off. He could count his previous sexual experiences with another person on one hand. They were superficial and served the pure purpose of discharging pressure.
Satisfying Sam only ever wanted to satisfy his mind. Physical urges and needs took a back seat. He felt responsible for it himself, didn't need another person for it.
And tonight he discovered a new, all-devouring force within himself that he doesn't know how to tame.
He is awash in YU.
Another man.
Sam shakes his head and tries again, eyes closed, to search his mind.
Instead, the same image keeps showing up in his mind.
YU's body beneath him. His flushed cheeks. His hot breath. His erection.
And he keeps hearing his slight groan.
Sam snorts and struggles for composure.
He's been in the bathroom far too long.
With a heavy heart and covered in deep shame, he reaches into his pants for release.
His hand gives him the satisfaction that usually comes only from mental flights of fancy and profound dives.
His imagination surrenders to the lowest urges. He imagines Yu's hand on his face, his tender body under his fingers, his lips against his.
And Sam's climax is more intense than usual.
A climax that redeems him and finally puts on the chains of deep shame.
How is he supposed to look YU in the eye? How is he supposed to look himself in the eye again?
As he washes his hands and face, his mind searches for excuses.
The sake, it was the sake that derailed them both.
It was the ritual vow of drinking sake together.
It was the alcohol.
Sam opens the bathroom door after what feels like an eternity and enters YU's room.
YU's head is still on the table.
By now, despair has hit him.
He feels the tremors of a loss raging inside him.
He has lost him.
The spiritual brother.
The friend he never had.
The Sam Lin.
Sam watches YU and can sense his despair.
The entire day has been an emotional roller coaster from the moment he saw YU waiting outside his office until now.
They are both exhausted and should finally rest.
"YU, it's getting late. I should go. The first session starts at 9 a.m. tomorrow," Sam says.
YU straightens up and nods to himself without looking at Sam. He takes the glass of water he poured Sam, stands up and walks through his maze towards Sam.
Still looking at the ground, he hands Sam the glass.
"That was too much sake." he tries to explain himself, "Drink some water. Thank you, for a carefree evening.", YU says and walks past Sam into the hallway.
He wants to walk him to the door.
At the same time, he suppresses his tears.
He doesn't know whether Sam is just about to leave his apartment or his life.
Sam turns around, reaches for his jacket, and falters for a moment.
"It was a nice evening. The food was very tasty. Thank you very much. I'll see you at the meeting on Friday then?" asks Sam cautiously.
YU is silent, opens the front door and stands at the threshold to the kitchen.
Still he cannot look Sam in the eye. He's afraid to.
Afraid to see disgust in his eyes.
Sam senses YU's discomfort and suppresses his developing unease. He should leave.
YU watches Sam as he puts on his shoes.
"I'm sorry." he says quietly, "Come home safe."
Sam finally manages to catch YU's gaze.
"I'm sorry. We'll talk about it on Friday. Sleep well." he says softly and leaves.