Baby, I'm so lonely so lonely
nado honja itneun geotman gatayo
geuraedo neoege ti naegi silheo
naneun honja chamneun ge deo iksukhae
Baby, I'm so lonely so lonely
I feel like I'm alone
I don't want to make it obvious to you
I'm used to just holding it in
Understand me
Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like the whole damn world is closing in on you? Like the ground cracks open, showing its molten gaping belly and fiery tongues blaze upwards to swallow you? Like the vines of trees grow longer and their spiky leaves coiled up and strangling and stinging you? Like an avalanche of giant boulders rolling down the slope towards you, to bury you? Like the sky crumbling into millions of pieces and raining the sharp shards upon your head?
Your head, which is now empty and blank, filled with nothing, no thoughts. No smart-ass ideas but also no stupid remarks.
Your heart, which is now empty and vacant, has no feeling, no love, no happiness, no sadness or fear.
Your soul, which is now lost and wandering, and wondering. What have I done, what am I doing, what should I do, what will I do.
What must I do? What can I do?
Many times, I think I open the doors to the world too late. How I've been spending all those times for nothing. How I've been wasting all those years. How did I spend it, how did I live it?
Because now whenever I look outside, I look far, I look wide, I found so, so many old things that are new to me. There are so many things I want to try. A vast number of thoughts that I want to think. A wide space of sights that I want to see. Levels of tunes that I want to hear. Whiffs of aromas that I want to smell. Abundant of tastes that I want to savor.
Many dreams that I want to make true.
But...
Why am I now feeling so... desolate. Like a barren desert. Like a dried-up rocky river. Like a bald brownish hill deprived of its lush greeneries.
The emptiness is choking.
The nothingness is colliding.
The inability to do anything is blinding.
Why can't I think, why can't I see say hear smell feel?
I want to move my body, move my feet, my hands, but it's like something inside me is preventing my every advance. My feet are glued and bound to the ground. I have no more support and a stronghold to lean on.
My brain is already mumbling and talking to itself, whispering nothingness. Nothing you can do, nothing you can say. Nothing more you can gain. No more achievement that you can reach out to.
You. are. stuck. here. and. here. you. will. stay. till. your. end.
You are alone, and you will always be alone.
*****
Singto puts down his pen, a deep frown etched on his forehead as he drowns his face in his cold palms. He is both mentally and physically exhausted. Mentally, after pouring all those thoughts out of his system. And physically, by writing down the words with an ordinary pen on paper.
He was typing on his computer but abruptly stopped the second he felt like his world suddenly breaking up and started to crumble. He grabbed a notepad and a pen. Then started to write.
Write everything, anything, all the things that had suddenly emerged in his head and squeezing his insides. Pressing his brains, hurting his chest, suppressing his soul. And now, he is weary, spent, drained.
I can't stand this anymore, I just can't, his heart laments inside his chest. The song of despair and grievance is flowing again, singing a melodious tone but so sickening and depressing. I am lonely, I miss him, God, I miss him so much, I want to see him, bring him to me, please...
His sight clouded, his mind covered in mist. Singto swipes his view on his desk, and his gaze halts on the calendar wedged between tidy stacks of untouched paraphernalia.
What day is today? Singto hasn't been following the updates of time lately. He feels there is no need for that.
What are those red ink scribbles? He doesn't remember ever writing them. Singto is not the type of person who likes to write anything on paper. A gadget geek.
Then it must be his. That is his pretty handwriting. What did he write...
Then he awakens with a jolt. He seems confused, having an absence seizure, looking around. Has he fallen asleep, or was he daydreaming? Looking out of the window across his desk, he notices a soft tint of red peeking on the eastern horizon. Dawn is nearly breaking.
A soft sigh from the bed steals his attention from the window. In the daze of darkness, he can see the blanket moving softly. Then a hand slides it open. Half a torso with a head with sleepy eyes emerges from under it.
"Phi Sing, what are you doing there? It's not even dawn, yet, why are you already awake?" the figure sits up, the blanket covering his lower half, his tousled hair a silhouette in the dim light.
"Kit?" Singto whispers, still not sure, as if he never intended to wake Krist this early. But, he is also confused. Am I dreaming or not. Did I fall asleep here on my desk?
"Wait, Phi Sing, did you sleep there? Did you write till late last night and fell asleep there?" a sigh is heard from him again, "Phi, I've told you so many times, even writers need to eat and sleep, you're after all still human. Come, come to bed. Catch some good warm sleep even for a few minutes..." he waves his hands, inviting Singto to come to him.
Singto quickly gets up and heads to the bed. He is hurrying but why are his feet seem to be dragging. It takes him seconds only to cross that one meter to the bed. But once he gets under the blanket, Krist's warm arms engulfing him in a soft embrace have made him forget. Krist's warm exhales soothe his cold hair. Krist's warm chest is a pillow for his cheeks. Singto circles his arms around the pliant body next to him, trying to channel their warmth to each other.
"Did you write something, Phi Sing? You've been musing about it these last few weeks," Krist's fingers cover the back of Singto's head. His other hand gently caresses Singto's cheek.
"I don't know, Kit, I can't remember," Singto mumbles on Krist's neck, his breath a warm puff of air, "I know I've written something, many lines, but I can't remember what I wrote, I can't recall what story I have written, Kit."
Krist's fingers are now combing their way between Singto's hair, "Phi Sing, don't worry. I'm sure you'll finish it. Your previous books weren't finished in a day, too, right? Your stories are always so beautiful because they were never recklessly done, they took a long journey inside your head, passed so many tests inside your brain, and finally made their appearance as winners," Krist blows a kiss on Singto's head and giggles, "...best selling winners."
Singto raises his face, levels his eyes with Krist's, "And you are always with me, Kit. From the first word of the title, down to the closing paragraph, you're with me..." he kisses the soft pink lips in front of him, tasting the sweet cool flesh that slowly warming up to the touches of his own, "...I don't want you to leave me, Kit, I need you to always be here... please..." his pleas intertwining with his desperate kisses.
And Krist reciprocates with feather-like caresses and sighing smiles, "I will never leave you, Phi Sing. I will be with you, as long as you want me to. Wherever I am, whatever I'll be, however far I go, I'll still be by your side, as long as you want me..."
The kiss is long and passionate as if they never want it to end, they never want to let go. They want time to stop right there, at that moment, when they are glued in each other's arms. Merging, their arms, legs, bodies close together, no gap in between. Close. Drowning in the depth of a warm ocean of tenderness.
When they finally surface for air, Singto's eyes are gleaming, glassy, he can't hold back his tears, he doesn't know why but his heart aches so much like thousands of needles are piercing slowly through, jabbing his heart.
"Phi Sing, what's wrong, did I say something that offend you? Did I do something to aggrieve you?" Krist's hand quickly wipes the tears, "Please tell me, what's wrong?"
"I... don't know, Kit, my heart suddenly hurts so much, it's like I'm losing something dear to me, something... someone-" but his words are cut by Krist's tight embrace and gentle laugh.
"Phi Sing, don't worry, you won't lose anything or anyone. I will be with you. I'll watch you write, I'll accompany you till late at night, I'll read your stories, I'll take care of you, make you eat your breakfast lunch dinner, I'll always love you. Just remember that as long as you want me to, I'll be by your side, always." He kisses Singto's wet eyes, "Just remember that you have to take good care of yourself, Phi Sing. Love yourself, as I always love you. Now, close your eyes, and get some sleep.
Somewhere in the distance, a faint sound of a rooster's crow is signaling that the sun is coming up. Krist pulls the half-asleep Singto closer, enveloping him in his arms, presses his forehead to Singto's, whispers, "Phi rak, remember this always. If maybe I can't be there for you. If maybe I have to be somewhere else, if... I have to leave you... please remember. My love will stay with you, warming you, helping you, caressing you. As long as you want me, as long as you wish for me, as long as you keep me in your heart, I'll stay. Keep me as long as you like, until you don't need me anymore. Please continue your writing, continue your life. Your path is still long in front, I'll watch you walk through it. Remember, I always love you..."
*****
Singto's eyelashes flutter, the lids opening slowly, they feel so heavy.
He turns to his side, the bed next to him is empty. His hand caresses the cold sheet, gripping and crumpling the smooth surface. No one had slept there.
So, it was only a dream? Why did I wake up? Why did you let me wake up! Don't let me wake up!
Singto buries his face on the pillow, Krist's pillow. But it can't be a dream, his scent is still here. I can still smell him. This is Kit's smell. He was here!
He wants to scream, he wants to call out Krist's name, but his voice is choked by the thick pillow. His tears are swallowed by the cover that still lingers with Krist's scent.
It's been almost a month since he left me. Since he walked out the door and never came back. Since the smile that he gave me, was also his last. Since he broke his promise to return and we would have dinner together.
Since You took him from me, God! You took him away!!
Where is your smile, Kit? I need it. I need you!
You took him away from me, God. You took him away!!
You took Kit away from me...
Singto lays on his back, his right arm crossing over his eyes. Why didn't God take me instead of him? I am the one dependent on him, I'm the one who always doted on him, I'm the one who can't live without him, I'm the one suffering for being left alone!
But, this is the first time Singto had dreamt of Krist since that ill-fated day. Singto always hoped that Krist will come and visit him in his dreams, smiling at him, holding him... but... he never showed. Why Krist never...
Singto contemplates, is Krist worried about him. Has his self-destructing making Krist sad. He hasn't been eating well, he's not taking care of himself, he's been cooped up inside refusing to meet anyone, and... he won't write, he is losing his mind, it has gone blank, he's incapable of writing anything. He can't.
Is Kit sad because of me? I don't want to be his burden. I can't be the dangling weight on his legs. I don't want to make him sad. I love him too much to torture him with sorrow.
It is so painful, Singto's heart is already torn to pieces beyond repair, bleeding, sore to the core. Even his sanity is tearing apart. Krist's love is always the soothing glue that keeps his heart and mind intact. So that he can continue living. Breathing.
Singto sits up, recalling the last words Kit had whispered to him in his dream. Krist will always be here for him, as long as he wants him to, as long as he keeps him in his heart, Krist's love will always be there. He will never be gone.
Dragging his feet to his desk, Singto notices the paper. So he did write something last night, that wasn't a dream. He takes the paper, slowly reading the content.
The writings are the cry of his heart. The scream of his soul. This is all the pain flooding out. His dam has finally been broken. He can't hold it back anymore. The words that he whispered after writing them last night, flashed in his mind, I am lonely, I miss him, God, I miss him so much, I want to see him, bring him to me, please... And Krist did see him, and he saw Krist. Krist got to say his goodbye. And Singto hopes, truly hoping, that he can do the same.
But I don't want to do that now. Kit had told me, he will stay in my heart as long as I want him to. And right now, I want him to. I don't want him to leave just yet. He'll stay. He will always stay.
As the bright sun climbs higher, the beautiful yellow-ray stream inside. Singto is still sitting at his desk, the amber sunlight illuminates his pale face. He copies his writing on the paper to his computer, then he stops. Staring outside, thinking. His mind was lost. Wanders. In his world. His universe.
This is my world. A world where the light of dawn refracts, a place between sleep and awake. This is mine. Mine and Kit's. No one knows. No one understands. Only Kit and I. So, he will stay. He will keep me company. He will always be with me. He will never leave. Because I always want him here. In my world. In my heart and soul.
Forever. You will be with me, in our world.
Singto's eyes return to the calendar. To Krist's written notes. Phi Sing, you've built my past, you are always my present, and I wish and hope you will be my future.
A faint smile blooms on Singto's lips, his fingers tenderly brushing the red alphabets. Red. Krist's favorite color. Krist is also his everything, Krist is his ground and sky, and the horizon in between. Krist will always be with him. His future will be filled by Krist. Singto is confident their love will be everlasting. It will never disappear.
Singto returns to his computer, his fingers moving again. Typing. Continuing his story.
Age is just a number, you are how you live your life
So, maybe I can still have it all
Maybe I can still think, see, hear, smell, savor
Live all the things that I've missed in this world
Live all the things that I'm going to do and have
Let's live happily
Let's always give and receive love
Let's grow old and die young...
The sun has reached a full sphere, hovering on top of the horizon. A thin smile on his lips, Singto braces himself and gazes lovingly at the beautiful sun.
Is this a continuation? Or an ending. Only he knows...
Baby, I'm so lonely so lonely
nado honja itneun geotman gatayo
geuraedo neoege sumgigi silheo
naneun honja chamneun ge deo iksukhae
nal ihaehaejwo
Baby, I'm so lonely so lonely
I feel like I'm alone
Still, I don't wanna hide it from you
But I'm used to just holding it in
Understand me
FIN
Rainy noon, on my desk, amongst loads of untouched hard discs.
Thursday, Aug 5, 2021
生日快乐 shēngrì kuàilè, WYB
Cuts of song lyrics from:
Lonely - Jonghyun (종현) feat. Taeyeon (태연)