My world was turning as I made my way back to our table, legs shaking. Nakita ko si Tyson na matigas na umupo sa tabi ng Daddy niya, at dahil ilang hakbang pa bago ko maabot ang table namin at maka-upo ulit ay hagip na hagip ako ng mga mata niya. His jaw clenched for the nth time as he watched me carefully. He looked pissed at something and I know it's because of my intervention. He would've been still fucking that girl if I did not panic and ruined their momentum.
But can he really blame me? Could the girl really blame me for what I did? It is to protect her if she really was molested or something! Kung iba lang ang sitwasyon ay baka naturingan pa akong bayani. Kagalang-kagalangang, Apple Sandova. Pero punyeta at nagkakantutan pala ang mga hayop!
Labis man ang kaba sa puso ko sa hatid na banta ni Tyson ay umusbong ng dahan-dahan ang inis ko. Why am I being so fragile and affected when it comes to that guy? Hindi ko pa nakakalimutan ang ginawa niya sa akin pero sa tuwing malapit siya ay nagkakanda-leche leche ang sistema ko! I can't believe myself! I don't want to think this is my karma for what I did to Ford. Ford wasn't even in love with me or had good intentions with me para lang karmahin ako ng ganito. This is all Tyson's effect on me! Isa lamang ako sa mga babaeng nagkaka-ganito panigurado sakaniya!
"You look pale." Puna ni Kuya. I shook my head and cleared my throat.
"My lipstick." Sabi ko. He sneered.
"You did not look like that earlier, though." Nag-iwas naman na rin siya ng tingin at kinausap na ulit si Daddy.
Nagpatuloy ang buong programa hanggang sa natapos ito bandang alas kwatro ng hapon. We were already on our way to the parking lot where a valet was waiting for my father when I heard a man called him.
"Ariel." Even from afar, I recognized the now-becoming-familiar voice to me. It was Engineer Teorico. And his son, beside him. I noticed how Tyson is still giving me the same menacing look. I rolled my eyes and looked away. Fight, Apple, please.
"Oh? Engineer. Going home, too?" Si Daddy at tuluyan kaming napa-tigil. I swiftly hide myself behind the broad back of my Kuya but the idiot went away and joined my father. Leaving me very exposed to Tyson, whose aura and stance is again, very dominating.
My eyes met his and I wanted to look away again but I notice how his forehead and eyebrows looked so ruthless. Parang naiinis siya nang umabante palapit sa akin.
"Did you just roll your eyes on me?" He softly growled. Hindi kami napapansin nina Mommy dahil tila seryoso ang sinasabi ni Engineer Teorico.
Napa-maang ako. Damn, Apple. Remember what he did. Remember what he did. Do not be a fucking leech and dick-thirsty bitch everytime he's near you like you always fucking tend to be!
I cleared my throat.
"No." I managed to make my voice firmer. I saw how he put his two hands inside his pockets. Ang dalawang mahahaba at malalaking binti ay malawak na naka-parte.
"Don't you give me that attitude after how many times you have irritated me." He said. I looked up to him. Scared and conscious that one of my family might be now watching us. Kuya doesn't even know we know each other!
I saw his pitch black eyes directed at me like I was the only interesting thing he saw in the building. My stupid heart skipped a beat again. I remember how I dreamed to be watched like this by those two deep eyes. I remember back in Tagaytay when his eyes would just passed me briefly. And now, though pissed and annoyed, he's got it all focused on me. Like I'm a puzzle he's trying to solve.
"I'm not. And I'm not even doing it on purpose. No worries, I'll stay away from y-you." My trying hard voice shook in the very last word. Gusto kong tampalin ang noo ko sa inis. Nilalabanan ko na nga ang tukso, oh! Nilalabanan ko na ang karupokan at ang apoy pero tila mas tinatraydor pa ako ng sarili kong katawan. At pag-iisip.
I watched how his brows creased more. It almost met each other. His lips formed a thin line as he exhaled a minty breath. Fuck, it reached my nose! Ang bago tang ina.
"You better be. I don't like playing with kids. And a wannabe." He mercilessly said. My whole body shook and I could feel the cold air brushing through my sensitive exposed skin. I bit my lower lip.
His eyes caught the act and I saw his adam's apple bounced. He looked away.
"Excuse me." Tanging nasabi ko at lumapit kina Mommy. I encircled my right arm around Apollo's left arm. He looked down on me and immediately turned his attention back to the oldies.
I heard Tyson's steps and I knew he followed. He stood beside his father who's in front of us. Giving me, again, full view of his merciless face. He watched my arm around Apollo's. Ang suplado niyang mga mata ay malamyos na umirap at tumingin sa Daddy ko. Oh God, help me.
"The paintings really did play a big role in this project, Ariel, as I was saying, we can make Apple do another... Or more painting for our next projects." Engineer Teorico sounded like he's convincing my father. I saw my Mommy shook her head.
"Apple did not plan this, Teorico. And I don't like the idea of my child working for big clients like this. He's still studying and I want him to focus on it." Ani Mommy. My cheeks burned as I listen to the pronoun my mother used for me. I mean, I couldn't blame them. I also couldn't correct them in front of these people. It's just that... Ugh! Tyson really is slapping me my dysphoria and it's slowly becoming an inferiority complex.
"I know, Amelia. I understand. Young and easy to get distracted. I'm not saying that Apple should lend a certain time to make paintings for his father's projects. I believe it's his passion and no matter how busy he may be, will still always find a time to make one. That will do it. If you'd approve." Patuloy na pangungumbinsi ni Engineer at ngayon ay direktang hinihintay ang sasabihin ni Daddy.
"I agree. He's got a lot of paintings in his room. Ang iba'y inaamag na lang." Ani Daddy at sabay silang natawa ni Engineer. Hindi ko pa lubusang nauunawaan ang diskusyon nila ngunit parang hindi ako nasiyahan sa sinabi ni Daddy. Para niya akong binubugaw sa lagay na ito. I know that all my life, I have longed for his full acceptance and recognition, but to do this, to only show his appreciation for me through this just doesn't sound right to me. I hate to say this but my Daddy only see me when I am doing something right and beneficial to him. My heart sank. I want to be appreciated and celebrated simply because I am me. And I am his daughter.
"Ariel." Mommy tried to voice out her disapproval again. I continued to play mannequin beside my Kuya. I briefly switched my eyes to Tyson and saw him still looking at my arm around my brother's arm. Kumunot ang noo ko.
"It's fine, Amelia. We will manage his time." Ani Daddy.
"Yes, and I guarantee you we will not compromise Apple's acads. He's pursuing arki, right? This is an early field study for him." Ngumiti si Engineer at tumingin sa akin. He watched me adoringly.
"Oh, my bad, Apple's a trans." Anito. Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. Never have I ever met someone his age who's well aware of the gender spectrum like this. My parents even never acknowledge that there's such thing as a trans woman. I smiled at him to show that I understand.
"Well," Daddy sounded uncomfortable. I looked down on my shoes. Ano pa nga ba...
"I know because Architect Gomez child is a young trans too. Are you friends with Blythe, Apple?" Engineer's friendly face turned to me again. I shook my head.
"I never heard of her, po." I politely answered. He chuckled.
"Oh. But anyway, yes, deal?" Baling niya ulit kina Daddy. My eyes turned to Tyson again and I saw him playing with his shiny black shoes. My mind suddenly thought of the tattoos he's hiding beneath those fine and expensive material of his long sleeve polo.
"Yes, deal." Si Daddy.
"Oh! And my son right here, really liked the piece Apple made. Unfortunately, he couldn't get it nor bribe Mr. Cordovez with money just to have it. The arrogance of this man." Engineer shook his head like he's very ashamed of his son. Nag-tawanan sila pati si Kuya sa tabi ko.
"I'll find a more worthy piece than that, Dad." Tyson chuckled lowly. His very rare and sexy chuckle sent chaotic waves to my system but was not enough to protect my fragile heart from his subtle shade. More worthy? Huh, bitter ka lang kasi hindi mo makuha. Umirap ako. Ganyan, Apple, lumaban ka. Maya-maya tutunganga ka na naman.
"See, how arrogant." Engineer continued to laugh with my parents.
"Bueno, I'll send you pictures of Apple's new paintings maybe a month from now, hijo. You can choose and have it for free." Ani Daddy. Umawang ang labi ko at gustong-gusto nang pumalag. How dare you, Daddy! That son of a bitch just called me homophobic names! And you'll do this for him? Ay, oo nga pala, may internalized homophobia ka rin pala.
My heart ached quietly as they continue their unending little chit chats.
"Oh siya, iyon lang. Congratulations again, Ariel. See you. Amelia," Engineer shook hands with Dad and kissed my Mommy a beso. He turned to us.
"Kids." He waved at us. I smiled at him. Tyson started to do the same thing with my parents. He shook hands with my brother and when he extended his hand to me, which I am already perfectly aware that it's all just for show, I did not offer mine.
They went silent at that. Tyson gave me an annoyed and offended look. I, instead, smiled at his father.
"Good night, po." Sabi ko. The awkward silence went away and we all headed to our respective cars.
My heart is still beating wildly as Daddy pulled over and we exited the building.
"That was rude, Apolinario." Daddy said as we stopped due to the traffic jam. I rolled my eyes at what he called me. Ano, balik sa orihinal kong pangalan dahil na disappoint ko siya kanina? He just really sealed and proved my theory about him.
"I'm sorry. I was already tired and I'm not used to doing that and being so formal all the time. We have been like that all day." I explained. Hindi ko napigilang bahagyang mailabas ang sama ng loob.
"Apple." I heard Mommy's warning. My burning eyes watched the city lights.
"That man will become— if not the most, one of the most powerful and influential civil engineer not very far from today. And you are to become an Architect. As early as now you should build good camaraderie with people like that for future purposes. And what do you think your behavior earlier will do you?"
"Dad, I'm tired." Tanging nasabi ko dahil napansin ko ring nakaabang na si Kuya sa mga isasagot ko. Kuya and Mommy have this intangible pact to never allow me and Daddy have a big confrontation. Nararamdaman ko na iyon noon pa man. Dahil maging sila, ramdam rin ang trato ni Daddy sa akin at takot silang balang araw ay sasagot ako.
"They just met each other, Ariel." Mommy defended. A heavy and thick tear escaped my left eye as the car slowly moved— still stucked with the traffic jam.
I immediately wiped it. Ewan ko ba, sanay naman na ako sa tungo ni Daddy at sa lahat ng pressure niya sa akin pero iba ang araw na ito. Siguro dahil bukod sakaniya, may dumagdag. At walang iba kundi si Tyson. All his offensive remarks, menacing threats and his mere presence drained me to the core. It made me hate myself more as I realize his negative effect on my mental health. Hindi ko lubos maunawaan kung bakit kahit ganoon, ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin sa kaibuturan ko ang sobra sobrang pagkaka-gusto sakaniya. I don't want to be this stupid. Believe me.
"Kaya nga. First impressions last." Patuloy ni Daddy. I cleared my throat when I couldn't hold it anymore.
"I met him already. In Tagaytay." Sabi ko. Kuya's hand grabbed my left arm. He looked at me with knitted brows.
"You met him there? You talked to him?" He sounded alarmed and uneasy. I nodded.
"He knew me, Dad. But not as your child. So his impression of me is already built. No need to worry." I coldly said. Hindi siya naka-sagot. Hindi rin kumibo si Mommy.
Hinila ulit ni Kuya ang kamay ko. Inis ko siyang nilingon. His eyes were serious and meant business.
"What did you two talk about? Did Claire introduce you to him?" He interrogated. Bakit pakiramdam ko ayaw niyang malapit ako kay Tyson? Dahil ba alam niya ang litaw ng bituka nun? At alam niya kung gaano ako karupok sa lalaki?
"We did not have a serious and formal conversation, Kuya. And no, Claire did not introduce me to him. I just saw him there. You saw him, too, right?" I said impatiently. He sighed.
"Alright." He looked away. Now calm and satisfied. Naguguluhan ko siyang tinitigan. Apollo has been nothing but a pakialamero to all the boys I was linked to. And how he got alarmed when he learned that it wasn't the first time I met Tyson kind of made sense to me. So kung darating ang panahon, tutututol din siya kay Tyson?
Nasa entrada na kami ng village namin nang mag-salita ulit si Daddy.
"Thank you, by the way. You made me so proud earlier. I know all the credits should be given to you but my colleagues are praising me for it." Nilingon niya ako habang pina-park ang sasakyan sa loob ng maliit naming garahe. Katabi nito ang sasakyan ni Apollo.
With a heavy heart, I nodded and smiled at him.
"I'll transfer some to your bank account. And you're free to ask one favor from me. Anything." Aniya at lumabas na ng sasakyan.
"What? What about me, Dad? I made you proud earlier too! Ang gwapo ko raw at manang mana sayo. Hindi iyon counted?" Apollo groaned as he followed our father. I rolled my eyes.
Ilang araw ang lumipas at ang absence ni Dwayne ay mas lalo kong naramdaman nang mag-simula kaming gumawa ng mga reports at projects ng by group o kadalasan ay by pair.
I stayed here because of her. And I want to be here still if ever she comes back. Gusto kong ako ang sasalubong sakaniya. Iiiyak ko lahat ng inis at tampo ko sakaniya.
Mabilis ang pag-lipas ng araw at nalalapit na ang katapusan ng second sem. Next school year ay second year college na ako. Hindi ko lubos ma-isip kung paano ko nakayanan ang kursong hindi ko naman gusto.
"Patrick, stop it." I whispered softly as he continued to suck on my lower lip. His firm hands are on my buttocks and my arms encircled around his neck. Gigil kong sinabunutan ang buhok niya sa likod. He giggled.
"You look like a woman now, damn. I can't believe I bullied you back in senior high." He whispered against my lips and then continued to kiss me wildly. Katatapos lang ng acquaintance party namin at may naka-lusot na liquors kahit ipinagbawal ng school. May naiwan pa sa loob ng malaking function hall ng school upang mag photo ops at ang iba'y nagtatalo pa kung saang club pupunta para sa after party.
"You still got lucky I let you touch me like this, Pat. After all you've done." I said while catching my breath. We stopped and looked at each other's intoxicated eyes. Damn, ilang baso ang patago kong naubos?
He planted a soft and wet kiss on my chin and it made me shut my eyes tight. It's been months... I was able to distract myself and forget about him. For months, I was able to not visit his profile in that damn dating app again. And for months, just like the queen bitch I really and truly am, I managed to turn my attention to other guys around me. And here I am now.
"Fuck, Aps. Let me knock you off now. My Dad has a condo near here. Walang tao. Please." Patrick, a spoiled and typical rich kid, begged me. I grinned at him. Ang libog mong hayup ka! Gabi na pero gusto mo pa rin mag kantunan. Ay kantutan pala.
"May after party pa, Pat. Your boys are waiting for you."
"Ugh, shit. Let's make sunod na lang. You made me so painfully hard." He groaned. I chuckled and gave him a brief and wet kiss. Ako si Apple, at maglalandi ako tonight!
"No. After party muna. Take it or leave it." I teased him by playing with the small little hairs at the back of his neck with my long red nails. I felt his body shook. Basta talaga libog parang asong napapa-sunod, ano? Tumawa ako. Tang ina mo, Apple, ang lakas ng loob mo ha! Hindi ka pa nakantot kaya huwag mong kalilimutan!
"You'll come with us, right?"
"Yup." I nodded.
Magkahawak kamay kaming lumabas ng ladies room ni Patrick. I saw our fellow freshmen still taking photo ops and some are already with their sports cars. Nag-hiyawan ang mga barkadang lalaki ni Patrick nang makita kaming dalawa. And to my very surprise, the bully and annoying senior back then did not even flinch. He was not even ashamed as the boys teased him about us.
Kahit nakikipag-laruan lang ako kay Patrick at ngayon lang talaga naman kami nagkaganito ay nakaramdam ako ng tuwa sa ginawa niya. Tuwa para sa pag-tanggap at pag-yakap sa katotohanan. This is the kind of validation and acceptance a trans woman like me really needed in this world full of fake tolerance and selective acceptance. This is it.
"Damn, bro. You got Aps for tonight, huh? Aps, is this for real?" Pa cool na salubong sa amin ni Trevor. Inirapan ko siya habang naka-ngisi. Silang lahat ay ka batch namin ni Dwayne nung senior high na rito lang din nagpatuloy ng college.
"Not just for tonight, bro." Medyo may kalasingan ng sagot ni Patrick. He's still holding my hand firmly. Talaga ba, Patrick? Libog yarn?
"Patay ka diyan, bro. Gaganti iyang si Apple for sure! At ang Kuya niyan, naku." Pananakot ni Franco. They all laughed at that. Hindi rin nag-tagal ay patungo na kami sa Prive. Ang club na napili ng barkada ni Patrick.
"Fuck, papahatid tayo kay Trevor mamaya sa condo, Aps. I'm kind of drunk already and I can't risk this sports car. Daddy will kill me." Patrick murmured in a very annoying voice. Rich kid talaga. Kung hindi lang gwapo, eh.
When we got to the club, isang malaking grupo kaming pumasok. With me still wearing my all black spaghetti strap dress that has a slit on its left side. And the boys are now just on their long sleeve white polos and the pants of their suit.
We were lead to a big brown sofa and Patrick was still holding my hand, I heard a loud voice from afar. A girl was calling me but I could barely see anyone because of the dim and dancing strobe lights.
I tried to arch my neck as I look for the girl— who's still calling me.
"Apple! Here!"
I focused my eyes at the left corner of the club while Patrick is trying to get my attention.
"Come on, love." He called. Love now, iyot later.
I ignored Patrick's call and focused more on where the voice is coming from. When my eyes adjusted, the annoying face of Claire overwhelmed my view. Hala ang chararat ng taon!
"Come here!" She waved her hand. I stopped and grabbed Patrick's hand. I looked at him while grinning.
"Punta muna tayo dun saglit, Pat." I made a cute face. He sighed and planted a kiss on my forehead.
"Alright."
Naka-ngisi akong lumingon ulit kina Claire at nagsimulang humakbang palapit sa sofa nila. And when my eyes fully adjusted, what I saw in their sofa took the spirit of a carefree queen and bad ass bitch from me.
The people in their sofa were all from Ateneo. And a man, in his black long sleeve polo, with a sexy petite girl beside him, is looking at me intently.
Claire's face was unreadable. She looked so shocked with what she saw. And that must probably be Patrick's kiss!
And damn! Hindi ko na yata kayang humakbang at lumapit pa kung ang mga mata ni Tyson ay nakaabang at tahimik na nag-babanta. Shit!