The exceptionally clouded sky was spreading chilly winds in the surroundings. At times, a flock of birds would fly by, chirping - reminding everyone that even in the darkest times, there is always hope. 'Hope' was something which cannot be given to someone, the person, themselves, need to have hope - hope in themselves - hope in their families.
However, hope was given to him - yet here he stood in the damp land, whacking his head for recalling. Memories don't necessarily emerge in his head out of nowhere; but this specific memory was painful, so painful. It was plaguing his mind like cancer. He had lost interest in everything - everything was doleful to him. He didn't care about living any longer, wondering if there was anything after people pass on, leaving their physical body behind.
Picking up the pistol from the ground, he snaked his fingers around it as if it might disappear without his touch. His head pounded with questions, questions he knew he could never get answered - a part of him didn't need one.
Glancing down at his metal arm, memories came flooding to him. Memories he hated admitting he had. Even the rain started to pour down at him like some damsel in distress. Raindrops cascading down his metal hand, he felt nothing...yet that moment reminded him of a painful past, an absurd incident.
These days I'm becoming everything that I hate
Wishing you were around but now it's too late
My mind is a place that I can't escape your ghost
Nightmares were a serious problem for Bucky, although Sam was always there for him, he couldn't get over them, not precisely. The nightmares always chipped away a piece from his heart, a piece that Sam made sure to glue back in. There were terrible nights when both Sam and Bucky decided to stay together for mission purposes - nights when Bucky would wake up covered in a pool of sweat and his face as pale as chalk. A few days went by but Bucky was completely affirmative that he couldn't tell Sam. How would Sam feel? The world doesn't revolve around Bucky, Sam has his own problems to deal with and Bucky cannot-does not want to add on another problem to his pile of problems. Soon enough, Sam realised about Bucky's nightmares, it wasn't hard to guess. First there were purple bags under his eyes, then the sudden whisper-shrieks that echoed throughout the apartment at night, and then there was Bucky sleeping almost anywhere during the day.
It didn't take long enough Sam to comprehend the problem that Bucky couldn't sleep at night due to nightmares, and what was worse was that he was suppressing his fears - something which will wreck him.
The next night Bucky woke up in cold sweat, Sam was there.
This cycle continued, up until both of them practically started sleeping together since it helped Bucky with the nightmares.
But the nightmare that Bucky had that night was going to change everything.
He woke up in cold sweat, Sam wasn't beside him. He tried calming himself down - recalling the breathing exercise his therapist and Sam had taught him. Tears were filling in his eyes, a chunk of his heart ripped away; he couldn't share his nightmare with Sam, not this one.
Rubbing his hands violently together, Bucky managed to sit upright and notice that it was past ten, meaning Sam would be back from his run any time now. He had to calm himself down before Sam arrives, he cannot let Sam know what he saw. He couldn't effort to lose him.
Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away,
one more rainy day without you
Sam hadn't gone for the run today, it was streaming outside and Sam hated getting a cold. He was in the middle of making the breakfast when the sound of objects clattering on the ground dispatched his concentration and he rushed towards Bucky's room. As soon as he opened the door, he saw Bucky tumbling over objects that were once kept at the dressing table. His face was drenched in sweat and his jaw was quivering.
Instinctively, Sam pulled Bucky back by his shoulders and sat on the bed beside him.
"I - I'm s-sorry," Bucky managed to stutter through his heavy breaths.
"It was just a nightmare Buck, it's okay now." Sam said soothingly.
He knew this nightmare was uncommon, Bucky had never been more petrified. There was something else laced behind his tone when he said the words, almost as if he meant them deeply. Sam knew he didn't, Bucky had never hurt Sam before - maybe it was just another nightmare where he did.
"It's okay Buck. You're okay, I'm okay...it's fine....breathe....feel my breathing," Sam retorts softly, pulling Bucky closer to his chest. He could feel Bucky dampening his tshirt with his warm tears. Sam carded through his hair, rubbing his back with his other hand.
It did take a good few minutes for Bucky to calm down, but he eventually did and pulled away.
"I'm sorry," Bucky repeated himself, feeling his heart hammering against his chest as if it was trapped within an endless void of guilt.
"About what Bucky; you wanna tell me about your nightmare?" Sam asked, noticing that Bucky tensed instantly and started darting his eyes anywhere but at Sam.
"I killed Riley."
Sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day,
one more rainy day
Bucky opened his eyes to catch a frail look of hurt in Sam's eyes. For the first time, he could see hurt deep within Sam, he could practically notice Sam's heart chipping away. Bucky did it. He broke the bravest man he knew, he broke Captain America.
That look quickly vanished and anger radiated through Sam's voice, "Get out," He said in a low tone through his teeth gritted. Bucky didn't need to be told twice, he knew what he had done and he knew it was unforgivable.
He could feel his taped heart slowly crumbling away as he walked towards the door of the room. Bucky couldn't take another step, he was losing himself, he knew he would lose himself. He needed Sam. Sam was the moon that kept the darkness away from Bucky, Sam was the highlighter in Bucky's life. He cannot live without him, knowing that he has broken his heart and trust.
"Sam I-"
"GET OUT!"
Bucky dug his teeth into his lower lip hustled towards the front door. Tears were brimming in his eyes, daring to trickle out any second. He could now practically feel blood dripping down his jaw as he wiped it away from his metal hand. His moon was gone, he was surrounded with darkness, his highlighter was gone, his life was dull.
Before stepping out in the rain, he looked back at Sam, who still had his eyes burning red from crying. Tears were spilling over his cheek and Bucky wanted to apologise again, yet he knew better.
Giving one last nod to the man he loved, Bucky turned away. Stepping into the rain which drenched him almost immediately. He could still feel the ghost of Sam's body wrapped around his, Sam's words ringing in his ears. He lost.....everything - life.
The raindrops slithered over his metal arm, he felt nothing but a faint memory hitting his head.
The memory where Sam and Bucky were happy - ecstatic. That life, that moment was gone now - because of him, because he killed Riley. He had done it, not the Winter Soldier...it was still him.
Crispy winds pushed Bucky further, making his body shiver and his jaw quiver. Behind those water droplets covering his face, were hot tears. Tears that he couldn't hold on any longer, tears that wouldn't dry.
He dared to turn back to get a final look at Sam, but all he could capture was the aura of Sam, still standing by the doorway, a morbid look on his face.
Turning back to start another life, where there would be no one; Bucky started walking.
Suddenly, a strong force caused him to crash onto the nearby car. His ears were ringing and his vision was blur. When the dust cleared and the rain stopped, Bucky could finally make out what had exploded!
Oh I'm a wreck without you here
yes I'm a wreck since you've been gone
Bucky twirled on his heels and shot the man before him. He couldn't let his emotions take over him, not now anyways. The man yelped in pain and fell back. Bucky could've left him there, but he didn't. His adrenaline plummeted as he viciously walked towards the man and seized his neck with his metal arm. callousness devouring him from within even when the man whimpered and begged for his life.
The main thing about losing hope is that you stop believing - Bucky had stopped believing that he can be something better than The Winter Soldier. When Sam wasn't there to pull him back from the darkness, he dived within it; making the worse decisions. He felt numb towards anything and everything, the only person who made him feel was Sam, and now he was gone. Snatched away from him, forever. Everything Bucky loved was always pulled away from his reach, hence he stopped grasping for anything.
A snap made Bucky twitch his neck before letting the man fall on the ground, his veins popping out from his eyes and blood gushing out of his mouth ..... indifferent.
The feeling of being nothing more than a killer had always been in Bucky's mind, Sam only managed to place those thoughts at the back of Bucky's head.
Bucky was broken....he always had been.
I tried to put this all behind me
I think I was wrecked all along
Making his way through the many bodies which littered the floor, Bucky managed to get out of that area with his head draped by his hood. He stumbled across a banner which had his picture on. 'Wanted'. Bucky could do nothing but scoff. He was killing all those terrorists that no one dared to touch - people should be grateful to him and yet here they were, sending police escorts to get him arrested. The picture was old, Bucky could tell because he had short hair, and a twinkle in his eyes - the picture was probably taken when .....
Bucky realised that he could no longer think of the word 'Sam'. It pained him in every way. If only that perfect man was here to pull him away from the nightmare he was living...
Sometimes I wish that I could wish it all away
One more rainy day without you
Sometimes I wish that I could see you one more day
One more rainy day