TW: Running Away, Dissociation, Pushing Others,
September 23rd | Seven Months Since Remus Died | Roman Needs Therapy
Roman knew from the moment he woke from his nightmare that today wasn't going to be easy. The tight feeling in his chest coupled with the cold feeling told him today was going to be filled with anxiety, the type where you lash out in anger. Well, it probably wasn't really anxiety, the feeling was self-diagnosed, but he didn't know what else to call it. He just knew that anything could set him off.
He sighed as he stared up at the ceiling, listening to the sounds of his parents getting ready for work down below. It smelled like 'sit down breakfast'; eggs, sausage, grilled peppers and onions, and freshly baked pastries his father had done the prep work for the night before.
Roman tried not to grimace, 'sit down breakfast' were rare on weekdays but exactly what they sounded like. It meant that instead of everyone grabbing something quick like toast or pop tarts they'd sit down at the table and eat as a family. 'Sit down breakfasts' usually only happened once a week on the weekends, and for them to be happening in the middle of the week meant one of two things. Either something bad had happened or something good happened. They hadn't had a surprise 'sit down breakfast' in a while, not since his parents told him they were moving.
"Roman!" His mother called, "Levantarse ahora, time for breakfast."
Roman groaned, there was no getting out of this was there? What had he done? Was this about his grades? He hadn't told them about Logan helping him out yet, but that should calm them down. He sighed as he dragged himself out of bed and grabbed his clothes to change into.
He caught sight of Remus on his way downstairs, he was staring longingly at the table down stairs. Roman frowned sympathetically. His poor brother didn't get to sit down with his parents for meals anymore and Roman knew it affected him. Whenever Remus sat down with them, nobody could interact with him. Not even Roman or he'd make his parents worry about him again, Remus would be forced to sit there and watch as his family lived on without him.
"I'll try and get it over with quickly," Roman told him as they watched their parents set the table together, "Then we can leave early or something, okay?" Remus nodded gratefully and watched his twin make his way towards the table and take a seat, thanking his parents for the meal.
"So, what's the occasion?" Roman asked a few minutes into his omelet.
"Papa found a job," His mother said with a smile.
His father smiled triumphantly, he had been jobless for over a year now. Before Rumus died, his father had taken leave due to stress and wanting to be there for his sons, after his death he, like the rest of the family, struggled immensely and ended up quitting, making his mother the family's sole breadwinner for months now. She was a lawyer, and a good one at that, so it wasn't like Mr. Garcia quitting caused financial stress, though they did have to make some changes to their budgeting plans and what they could or could not afford to buy.
"Thats great Papi," Roman told him, "Where are you working now?"
"Hillview Middle School, I start next week" his father replied as he waved his fork around slightly, "They've been looking for a new teacher, they say I came around right in time. They were going to cancel classes if they couldn't find a permanent fit, can you believe it hijo? Cancel music classes? Aye! What has the world come to!?"
Roman giggled slightly at his father's antics, it was not hard to see where the twins got their dramatics from. That was probably one of the few qualities both boys had gotten from their father apart from looks.
Roman was more like his father, Victor, both were kind people who had a knack for charming others. Both could be a bit sensitive at times and both were terrible at non-art-related things.
Remus was like their mother, Laura, they both had foul mouths and never seemed to care what other people thought of what they said. They were exuberant and liked to show off what they liked, absolutely no remorse whatsoever. That was their vibe.
The twins got their confidence from their mother. Their empathy from their father. Everyone in the household liked music, there was no doubt about that. It wasn't hard to see the family had been a tightly-knit one.
"Como esta la escuela, cariño?" His mother asked as the laughter died. (How is school, sweetie?)
Roman shrugged, "No esta mal supongo," Roman replied, (They're not bad I guess) "Classes are hard."
"Are you asking your teachers for help?" His mother asked. Roman nodded, he didn't exactly like asking his teachers for help, it made him feel stupid, but it was something he had learned to do.
"One of the kids at school is going to help me study, apparently I'm doing it wrong. Something about bad note-taking and a bunch of other stuff. He's a nerd."
"A cute nerd?" His father asked.
"Papi!" Roman said with a small glare, much like Roman, his father was Bisexual and because everyone in the house had an attraction to guys talking about them was not a uncomfortable topic of conversation.
"Is that a no? Be careful with the cute nerds hijo, I married a cute nerd and now I'm the stupid one in the relationship."
His mother rolled her eyes playfully, "Have you made friends?" Roman fell quiet as he shrugged slightly, he didn't quite consider the others his friends yet. Right now, they were just people he spent his time with. "Bebo, it's been a few weeks, you need to try okay?"
"It's hard," Roman told them, it had never been difficult for Roman to make friends before so it did strike his parents as slightly odd but they couldn't say they were too surprised. "Nobody wants to be my friend here."
"There are over two thousands kids at your school Roman, I'm sure at least one of them would like to befriend you."
"Easy for you to say, " Roman said as he stabbed at his food, "Nobody thinks you're crazy"
"Que es esso?" His mother said, turning to look at him with a small glare, (what was that). Roman knew it wasn't because of what he said, rather how he said it.
"Just... rumors are spreading and stuff."
His parents' faces turned worried again, "Hurtful rumors?"
Roman shrugged, "I-I don't know. I don't know, okay?" He asked, his voice almost coming out desperate as he looked away from his breakfast, "It's hard to make friends right now. And to be honest, I don't want friends. I just-! Why did we have to move? I liked it back home mama."
"Roman," his father began, "It was better to move. There were too many memories in our old home. It was hurting everyone. It was hurting you."
'But I liked it at home,' he thought to himself. He didn't voice his opinions, simply pushing away his plate and mumbling how he needed to head to school. His parents didn't know whether to stop him or not, and they didn't, just wishing him a good day and seeing him off.
He sighed again as he reached the end of the block, Remus next to him. Today was definitely going to be a hard day.
*****
It was lunchtime. Roman and Remus were talking to Dee about musicals while the other three hovered loosely over Patton and Logan's phone, giggling. "Hey-a guys!" Remus said after it had gone on for a while, "What are you watching? Wolves eating baby kittens?"
Patton, they sported a they/them pin today, giggled and turned their's and Logan's phone to the rest of them, "We found you two on Instagram! Look, there are so many nice pictures!'
Roman and Remus glanced up at the old social media accounts. Remus's account had obviously been inactive for a while. The last post was a video he had posted a little over seven months ago and had taken place in a hospital, they hadn't watched it yet. Roman's account hadn't been touched in longer, the last he had posted was a virtual flyer advertising a school play. Patton scrolled through the rest of the photos on the account.
There were hundreds, most of them with other people in them as well. The group could tell that Remus and Roman had been pretty popular at their last school, and they had gotten along enough to post pictures with each other. "You two look so happy!" Patton said with a smile.
Roman held back a frown as Remus only hummed in response. "Logan found a bunch of videos of you two on youtube too," Anxiety added as he gestured for Logan to pull up the videos. Logan did as was requested, pulling up a youtube channel named 'The Romulus Twins', nothing creative exactly, but the account had been made when the twins were five or six by their parents and at that time it had mostly been used by their parents to show off the twins cute antics.
Logan played a video from when the twins were about middle school age. The two were playing Tweedledee and Tweedledum in a version of Alice in Wonderland. Back then, the two had looked more alike and so it was never uncommon for them to be cast as siblings or each other's understudies. They had not liked that, but they had liked acting together.
They watched as a younger Roman read out his line loudly and proudly, walking around the stage and the young student playing Alice, and then tripping in the middle of a word. Those in the video and those at the table erupted into laughter as he went onto fall out off the stage and to the hard floor below.
"What's that video?" Deceit asked, pointing to a video on the suggested list titled 'The Kingdom Falls'. It was from a different channel but it was undeniably the twins on screen. Logan opened it and positioned it so they could all watch, Remus and Roman both froze though as soon as it loaded. They were older in this video, and once again it was of them on stage. In this play, Roman played a knight whose goal was to save a princess while Remus played an evil sorcerer. They only had one scene where they were the only ones on stage, and this was it.
Roman stood alone on the stage and reciting his lines with vigour and enthusiasm, the audio wasn't the best but you could still hear what he was saying somewhat clearly, "Caecilius Grove," Roman called, the name of Remus's character, "I know you're here, and I know you have the princess. Show yourself at once or face my sword!"
There was a pause, and silence on the stage. This had been Remus's cue to come on stage, they were supposed to banter a bit before having an epic fight. In the end, Roman would fatally wound Remus and save the princess. They never got to that part.
After a few moments too long where Remus had not arrived on stage Roman spoke again, "There's nowhere for you to hide Caecilius Grove, I will find you and save the princess." Roman moved around the stage as though he was actively looking for the wizard. Another few moments passed, Roman was doing a wonderful job at improv but his worry was beginning to show, "I never took you for a coward Caecilius, if you're this frightened, saving the princess will be a piece of cake."
Finally, pale and stumbling Remus appeared on stage, even with the poor camera work, the distance, and Remus's makeup, you could tell the boy was not healthy. "You do not frighten me Sir. Vixen," Remus claimed, his voice coming out weak and shaky, "Y-you will not s-save the prince."
Roman waited for the rest of the line but it didn't come and so he continued with his improv, "While I do swing both ways, I'm here for the princess, unless you're holding two innocent royals captive."
Remus blinked in confusion, "Oh, right. Princess. Sorry.... No matter how strong you think you are, or how gifted with a sword you are, you will never be able to get past-..." Remus paused and then whined before looking up at his brother, "Roman. Help."
And then he fell, collapsing onto the ground in a heap. Roman ran to his brother and immediately pulled him into his arms, you could barely hear him say something in spanish before he looked towards the audience, tears in his eyes, "Mama! Papa! Somebody call an ambulance!"
The video cut to black and the table was silent. Everyone turned to look at the twins. Remus looked distant, not seeming aware of those around him. Roman was in tears, he gripped the sleeves of his hoodie between his palms as he glared down into the table.
"What happened?" Anxiety eventually asked, causing both the twins to flinch. Neither answered, "Remus? Ro? W-what was that?"
"Nothing," Remus told him, "I'm not very good at self-care, I took it a little to far. You know?"
"You were acting stupid Remus," Roman muttered.
"I'm stupid all the time. It's just who I am," Remus waved him off.
"You should have told someone."
"Yeah, but I didn't. So what?"
Roman's head flew towards his brother, "So what? So what?" Roman asked, as if he couldn't believe what Remus was saying, "If you hadn't been so stupid and had told someone as soon as you started feeling bad, like we're supposed to do, then maybe you'd still be alive!"
"Is-is that how you died?" Deceit asked, "How sick were you? How did no one notice?"
"No!" Roman yelled, now facing Deceit, "Shut up! You shut up! You-you don't get to say anything! You said you wouldn't ask! Shut up!"
"Roman," Patton said quietly, "You need to calm down, alright? It's okay kiddo, everything is going to be-."
"No! No it's not! Stop saying that!" Roman yelled, his eyes closed, hands now pulling at his hair and tugging at it harshly, "Everyones always saying that but it's not! It's not okay, it's not okay, it's not-" He felt someone's arms around him and nearly screamed before he shoved the person away. He could vaguely hear someone crying out in pain before he turned and ran, not even stopping to grab his bags, just running.
The others called out to him, yelling for him to stop running, but he didn't, he just kept going until he had made it off campus again. Remus didn't try and stop him or say anything like he had last time, in fact he was pretty quiet. His ghost eyes were faded and distant, he was staring down at the ground as Roman pulled him along. Roman could tell that despite him handling it slightly better, Remus was just as upset about the video as he was.
*****
Roman sniffled and wiped tears and snot away from his nose as he pulled his head up, and out of the ball he had folded himself into.
It was dark already, and raining slightly. Hours had past since he had run from school. This would make it Roman's second time, and that's only if you didn't count the times he ran from his last school. Then it'd be closer to seven, maybe even closer to ten.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time. Ten-thirty, judging by his aching bones and head, that didn't seem too far off. He had been walking for hours before he had sat down here, at the side of this building, and had promptly curled into a ball and fallen asleep for a couple hours. That was why his body ached. And it didn't seem like he had stopped crying much either, which was probably what had caused his headache. Yeah, no wonder he was in pain.
Roman typed a passcode into his phone to get it to unlock only to freeze at the amount of texts and calls he had missed. Most of them were from his parents, a couple from other family members, his Instagram had been flooded by DM's from Patton and Logan. That bit made sense, Roman had given them a fake number when Patton asked meaning that the Instagram account they had found earlier was the only method they had to get a hold of him. He had a call from the school, and two from the local police station.
Needless to say, he was pretty sure his parents were going to kill him as soon as he stepped foot in the house.
He sighed as he stood up and stretched out his back and glanced around for his twin. Eventually, he found him, Remus was about sixty feet above him, lying on his back and seemingly asleep. Ghosts didn't need sleep. They didn't need air, food, water, or anything. And Remus took full advantage of this, he never slept. He just fooled around and did whatever he wanted. But there was no doubt, that Remus was asleep. Roman considered waking him because he didn't know if he could move Remus while he was asleep, but decided against it. Worst case scenario, he couldn't and Remus would be forced to teleport to him, besides, it'd be hard to wake him from this distance.
Remus's 'body' ended up following him easily anyway, so there had been no need to wake him. He used his phone to figure out how to get home, continuing to ignore those trying to contact him in an effort to get a little bit more time to himself before the inevitable. Roman glanced up at him before sighing tiredly.
Maybe everyone was right. Maybe he was crazy. Maybe he had become consumed by grief. He knew Remus was real, that's not what he was saying. What he meant was that everything about him had changed since Remus had died. He felt absolutely awful one hundred percent of the time. He felt alone and like nobody understood, which was cliche yes but whatever. His parents had 'moved on' a couple of months or so ago, they had planned a whole new life without Remus.
They avoided the topic sure, and they didn't like anything that reminded them of him but they were slowly overcoming that too. The other day, Roman had seen a box of picture frames waiting to get hung, all of them had Remus in them. His father was returning to work, he was no longer so affected by Remus's death that he couldn't work. His mother had moved the fourth chair, Remus's chair, back to the table with the rest of them. Everyone but him was moving on and he was stuck with the ghost of his brother literally haunting him.
He'd had breakdown after breakdown. He'd changed and he didn't like it. He was running away from school, avoiding his parents, and lying to everyone who asked him how he was. He wasn't the Roman everyone used to know, but he wanted to be. He wanted everything to go back to normal. He wanted to wake up from this awful dream and be back home with Remus sleeping in the room across from his.
He wished it was him who had collapsed on stage that day, at least then maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
It was a slightly cold night, which didn't pair well with the rain. His parents weren't gonna be happy if he got sick, they'd hover over him like the helicopter parents they were when honestly right now that was the last thing he wanted. He pulled his wet jacket around him tighter, as if that was going to do him any good.
Eventually, he got home, eyes widening slightly at the two police cars that had been parked outside of his home. Oh no. This was not going to go over well.
Roman took a deep breath before walking up his driveway and the front steps. He pushed the door open and stepped inside. He couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief and pleasure, the house was so warm compared to outside. The smell of coffee drifted through the house, as did the smell of what must have been dinner. It was too late to eat now though, he'd have to wait till morning.
"Roman?" His mother's voice said from the couch, he opened his eyes again to find his mother and father sitting on the couch speaking to a small group of police officers.
"Mama. Papi," Roman said quietly, his voice came out slightly scared as he watched his parents for a moment only for them to run at him and envelope him into a hug.
"Dónde fuiste hijo?" (where did you go son?)
"Estas bien? Que paso?" (Are you okay? What happened?)
"Mierda, you're soaked. Have you been in the rain all this time? Roman, you should know better!"
Roman's lip quivered as he held back tears, "I'm sorry. I-it was too much. Th-they saw and they were asking questions and I c-couldn't handle it and then I was just ru-running and then... I think I blacked out after that."
His parents watched him with worried eyes before his father walked him to the sofa and his mother went to go grab him a blanket. "You alright kid?" One of the officers asked him. Roman shrugged in response, "You gave everyone a scare you know." Roman said nothing, just stared down at the coffee table silently.
His parents spoke to the police a little longer before they filed out of the house and left. Roman sunk into the couch when his parents sat down on either side of him, oh great, this conversation again. He hated this conversation. The 'we-know-you-miss-Remus-but-you-can't-keep-doing-things-like-this' conversation. Remus always laughed during the conversation, saying things only Roman could hear. Or commenting how everything Roman had done he had already done at least twice. Either way, it was hard to take the conversation seriously when it never worked and Remus was always making fun of it.
"Roman-"
"There's a video online," he told them, "Of our last show? Some kids I sat with at lunch found it... they didn't know and I froze but... then they asked questions. I-I can't. I can't. And I ran."
"Roman, carinio. Why didn't you call us?" His mother asked
Roman shrugged, "I didn't think. I was hurting. I was hurting so bad. I don't like hurting, and it just gets so overwhelming mama. Everytime he comes up, it all just-just-just... consumes me." He paused for a moment and then pulled his feet to his chest. "It's everything I can think about. And-and-and he doesn't get it!" He froze, his parents froze, they all froze.
"Who doesn't get it Roman," His mother asked.
"Nobody, me, God, I don't know. Doesn't matter, stop. I'm going to bed. Goodnight." Roman moved to stand but his father pulled him back down.
"You're seeing him again, aren't you?" his father asked. Roman said nothing, just rolled his eyes as he pulled the blanket over his head. His mother pulled it off of him, "You can't keep avoiding this Roman. You told us it stopped, you told us you'd tell us if it happened. Did it ever stop?"
Roman pulled the blanket back, but didn't pull it over him as he refused to speak again.
"Bueno, eso es todo entonces." His mother said, patting his leg slightly. (Well, that's all then)
"Really?" Roman asked.
"Yup, you're talking to a therapist."
"What?"
"I'll make an appointment, and depending on what she says we'll do what we need to do."
"No. Wait. Mama no. I don't need to talk to a therapist. I'm fine."
"You're not fine Roman," His father told him, "You haven't been fine. Mamá tiene razón You need to talk to someone, this is getting out of hand." (Mom is right.)
"I'm not crazy!"
"We never said you were, nobody thinks that."
"Everyone thinks that!" Roman replied, "He's real you know, he's here. And it hurts him when you dismiss him like this and-"
"Roman enough!" His mother, tears in her eyes just like her son, turned to him harshly before grabbing him by the shoulders, "Remus is gone. He's dead, and nothing you do or say will change that.... I know you're upset, we all are... but you can't keep avoiding the truth. This is what's going to happen, no getting out of it."
Roman watched her for a moment, glaring at her slightly before he moved to walk away. "And you're apologising to that boy you pushed," his mother told him when he was at the stairs.
Roman paused, "Who?"
"¿Cúal es su nombre?" His father said to himself, "Baker?"
Roman took a deep breath before continuing up the stairs, "They're using they/them pronouns today." he didn't wait for them to say anything back
Rooman went to his room after that. Quickly changing out of his wet clothes before getting into bed. It was late and he was tired. He was done with the day, he wanted it to end. He'd deal with everything in the morning, he didn't care. Not right now. Right now, all he needed was sleep.
Word Count: 4277