White Lies
chapter iv. false impressions
You had no idea what you were expecting to find when you left home to meet Taehyung today.
Whatever it was, you end up finding yourself stuck in a limbo, lost between the resolution that you had been seeking and yet still so far to reach, and the half-truths that you had both been throwing at each other.
The day had only begun to shift into dusk when you finally reached your flat. The sight of the sun lingering right above the horizon and the mix between shades of red and tangerine hue dancing in the sky still caught your eyes moments before you finally stepped foot into your warm home. On any other days, you would have lingered outside to enjoy the view, or you would have perhaps found a spot near the windows to enjoy the view until it faded away into the night. Yet, this time, you simply ignored it, choosing to revel in the darkness of your home instead.
The beautiful sight of sunset used to give you a sense of reprieve after the long days that you would normally have. This time, it was only giving you a sense of weariness, leaving you frustrated beyond belief when you looked up at the sky and remembered just what you had walked out from.
Inside, the flat you had been living in for the past two years felt terribly empty and hollow, almost just as much as your heart was. For the first time in the past two years, after you had done your best to live your life without letting the shadows of your past come in your way, you suddenly felt so alone, so distant from the real world outside. The life that you had left behind suddenly felt like a shadow looming around you, haunting you back. Never before have you ever felt so lost, that it left you feeling so exhausted, almost as if you had just run a marathon just to escape your past.
But had not that been the only reason why you were here in the first place? All because you were running from the truth?
Your mind was still wandering far in the distance while your whole body seemed to move in autopilot, tossing away your purse, your coat, and your thick scarf as you continued to trudge through your living room. You barely looked at where you were kicking your boots away before entering the lounge, completely barefoot, letting your feet feel the cold tiles beneath you to make you feel something, anything, and yet every step you took felt heavy with lead that you were practically dragging yourself all the way to the bedroom.
Without even bothering to turn on the lights, you simply gave in to the silence that was engulfing you as you fell onto your cold and messy bed. It didn't take long for you to start feeling the dread that had been following you home slowly engulfing you, making you feel suffocated. Even the comfort of your home could no longer protect you from it when the guilt comes rolling through you in waves.
It left you wondering about it, questioning yourself. If keeping the truth from the one person that had mattered to you the most had felt this exhausting, then how the hell did he manage to do it so easily all those years ago?
How could he look into your eyes and tell you all those lies, hiding the truth that could have changed everything in your lives back then, and to do it over and over again until it severed every bond that you had between one another?
So tired, you wondered to yourself as you let your eyes fall closed, giving yourself in to the exhaustion while wishing that everything would simply fade with time. You were half drifting away to the sleep that didn't seem too easy to come to you when you heard a sound blasting through the empty flat. It took you a moment to recognise it as the sound of your phone, and you made no effort to get up and reach for it as it continued to ring.
Silence fell for a moment when it finally stopped ringing, only to have it start again almost instantly.
With a tired groan, you finally left the shelter of your bed and dragged your feet back to the living room, finding your forgotten purse to retrieve your cell phone. The caller ID kept flickering on the screen, and you immediately knew that he would never give up if you would simply ignore his calls. Even if it would take him all night to do it.
"Hello, Jin," you reluctantly answered the phone with a sigh. A rough chuckle came from the other side of the call, and it took you a while to remember the time difference that applied between the two of you, that it would be sometime in the middle of the night for him while your evening was just about to start. Still, having him calling you at this hour told you that he had been waiting for this moment. Especially when he had been the one who was responsible for making sure that you would be seeing Taehyung today.
"Hey there, stranger," he said in return, sounding so hesitant and curious at the same time. "Where are you? Did you finally have the chance to meet him today? How did it go?"
Taking a seat on the nearest sofa with your call, you recalled the encounter you had with Taehyung today. You were instantly reminded of how it felt to see him again after so long. You remembered how your chest tightened when you arrived at the cafe and found him already waiting for you there, how it had taken you a moment to realise that he was real, that Taehyung was actually there, and that his presence was not just a figment of your imagination, despite the fact that you had been constantly dreaming about meeting him again.
And then everything else started to come back to you. The entire conversation that you shared with him and how the reunion had ended, and how every revelation happened through the talk you had with him had only been followed with more secrets.
"Yes, I met Taehyung today," you finally spoke on the phone. "In fact, I just got back. We talked all afternoon, then I went to take a walk around the neighbourhood for quite some time before I finally came home."
A beat of silence fell before Seokjin started to speak again. "And?" he asked you when you said nothing. "What did you talk about? What did he say?"
"He told me about Mina," you told him, sighing on the phone. When you caught no reaction coming from him, that was when you finally figured it out. "You knew. You knew about the deal that had happened between them, didn't you?"
You had your answer when Seokjin said nothing, but you still waited for him to admit it out loud. "Not intentionally," he finally admitted with a sigh, though you could hear the relief in his voice when he said it. "I caught them one day while they were on one of their so-called 'dates'. As someone who had known him quite well, it was obvious to see that there was no real connection between them. Then each time I tried to talk about their relationship or whenever I would bring up Mina while I was spending time with Taehyung, he would turn so angry, as if talking about Mina annoyed him somehow. Especially when I did it in front of you."
Suddenly you remembered all those days when you would hang out with your friends and Taehyung would be there to join you. It had always appeared as if he had wanted to keep Mina separated from everything and everyone. You had once found it odd, until he began to drift away from your circle of friends. At first, you simply thought that perhaps he had been so invested in his relationship that he was willing to let everything else go. It was one of the reasons why you had been so angry with him, after all. But knowing what you had come to know today, you were beginning to see things in a different light.
"So I confronted him about it one day. He didn't tell me much about what was going on or share the reason behind the agreement. The only thing he admitted to me was that they were helping each other—" Seokjin told you, basically confirming everything that Taehyung had told you today, before adding, "—and he made me promise not to tell anyone about it."
"Including me?"
Seokjin gave a bitter chuckle. "Especially you," he said. "He promised me that he would be the one to tell you everything once he was ready."
Shaking your head, the only reaction you could give in response was a bitter scoff. "Took him long enough."
And yet, he still couldn't tell you everything. It was easy to tell that he was still keeping too many things from you even as he revealed the truth behind his relationship with Mina. You could see it because no matter how long you have lived apart from him, you could still see the part of him that you have come to know for years. The old Taehyung that you had once thought you knew better than you know yourself. Though meeting him today had only shown you that perhaps you never truly knew who he was and there were still a lot of things he wouldn't share with you despite his words.
"How much did he tell you about the deal?" Seokjin questioned you warily and you pondered just how much you could tell him without tearing your own heart apart.
"Not enough," you finally said, sighing as you let your head fall back. The more you thought about it, the heavier it felt in your chest. "Did you know the reason why he got himself into that deal with Mina in the first place?"
"Only that he needed Mina's help. And he wanted to help her get out of something," was all that Seokjin could tell you, and small sparks of hope that ever came upon you quickly vanished into dust.
"He also told me just as much."
Perhaps, you had naively hoped that Taehyung had been more open to Seokjin the way he did in the past, or perhaps that Seokjin had somehow found a way to reveal the truth without having to force it out of Taehyung himself. And yet here you were, finding yourself once again facing another brick wall.
That was, until you heard Seokjin humming softly and muttering, "I think I might know something. At least, something that might be what Taehyung would be looking for, but I can't tell you unless I'm sure. Do you want me to find out more?"
Yes. No.
You pondered about it a bit more, yet you realised that you may not have the strength to go all over this again. You have gone through this once. The days filled with all the waiting, anticipating. The days where you kept on questioning and wondering about the situation you were in when you felt like you had been left in the dark. You hated being in that position, and meeting Taehyung again had only reminded you of how it felt like to be pushed aside. Even the years that you had to find yourself again felt useless when the helplessness that you felt returned to you full force from all the secrets.
And that was not the only reason why you were feeling this massive void taking over your heart.
"No, you don't have to. It doesn't matter anyway."
"Stop lying to yourself, ______. I know it matters a whole lot."
"It will only matter if he is the one to tell me the truth about everything," you told him as you straightened up in your seat. "If he can't give me that, then—I don't see why I should force him."
As you continued to sit there, replaying all the events from your previous encounter, you found your fingers absentmindedly brushing against your ring and you dropped your gaze on the tiny jewellery wrapping around your finger. "I have forgiven him, though. I mean, at least for what had happened back in the past, even if I still find it hard to get around the fact that he had been lying to me. At least now I finally understand everything."
"Are you sure that's enough?"
"It has to be. I always knew it would be a waste of time for me to even wait for him to come around, but nothing truly matters anymore. Not when he had shown me that he had forgotten everything about us. Does that not mean that he had let us go?"
"What do you mean? What are you talking about?" he asked you, his voice sounded soft and hesitant through the phone. "I don't understand. What exactly did you talk about when you met?"
Raising your hand, you let the rose gold band wrapping around your finger glow under the dim lighting you had in the living room. With each sparkle, your heart twisted inside your chest. The ring had once been the source of your strength, a reminder of the promise that was made the day you received it. Out of all the things you had taken with you when you moved away, this was the only fragment of your past that you had kept with you, only to remind you of the reason why you had to walk away.
Today, it had only become the symbol of a broken promise. Yet another thing that Taehyung had done to make you completely unworthy. You had no idea why you had decided to put on that ring today. It had been two years since the last time you had seen it, having kept it hidden in your jewellery box since the day you left home to begin your life here in London. Receiving Taehyung's message to meet today had brought up a lot of memories, and it had kept you up all night to let it run in your head until you were left with the deep feeling of longing to embrace the old friendship and the love that you had harboured since you were a child. It had been enough to give you the urge to dig into your prized possessions to find this ring again, to put it on just to give you the strength to walk out of your home to see him again, only to have the remnants of your hope shattering in the end the moment you saw his reaction.
When you realised that he had forgotten.
"Well, aside from his confession and the revelations of his secrets—" you said to the phone, still keeping your eyes on the ring. "Today, I have confirmed that not only had he forgotten about how sacred our bond was, he had also forgotten about the one promise that I had been holding onto for years. I can't blame him, really. Knowing that he didn't seem to consider that I was important enough for him to fight for and to share his dark secrets with, I shouldn't have been so surprised that he had forgotten about the ring that he gave me a long time ago."
A deep groan was heard from the other side of the call. "Did you wear your promise ring when you went to see him?" he asked you with a small voice, as if he already knew what was coming.
"I did," you answered him while exhaling a deep breath. "It wasn't intentional." Then you went on to tell him what had happened—how you had grabbed the ring an hour before you left home, right when you were contemplating whether or not you were going to see Taehyung at all, how even when you had never worn the ring or reached out for it while you were living away from home, it had remained in the back of your mind as a reminder of your hopes and dreams, and you told him how you had worn it today with the hope that it could somehow bring something good, perhaps to manifest a good outcome as you came to him in the hope of finding the answers you needed.
Then you told him what had happened when Taehyung laid his gaze on it.
"He saw it and freaked out about it," you said to the phone, chuckling bitterly before the sound you were making turned into a sob. Your voice trembled when you added, "He forgot, Jin. He forgot about it. He forgot about everything."
When you had hoped that perhaps somewhere deep down, he had kept all the memories that you had shared together and cherished it the way you had. That whatever it was that had happened to him, there was still a part of him laid dormant inside, waiting for the right chance to return to you. You had never thought to find out that in his journey to find whatever it was he had been searching for, you were no longer a part of it.
"I'm so sorry, ______."
"Me too."
The call ended after Seokjin made a final request for you to simply take it easy and take a good rest for the night, and the exhaustion quickly came rolling back to you once his warm voice no longer served as your company in your empty home. You took one last look at your old ring before slipping it off of your finger. The tiny diamond glowed under the dim light as you held it up right in front of your face, flashes of your childhood with Taehyung returning with each glow, and you simply kept your eyes on it until your gaze turned blurry with tears. Blinking the tears away, you placed the ring down on the table in front of you and pushed yourself off from your seat.
You barely took another look at it as you walked away, leaving behind the final memento of the life that you had with him. The ring has helped give you hope that you would somehow be able to turn your life back around, that your paths would someday entwine with each other again. It had made you believe that you could still have a chance to see the hopes and dreams that you had built up together then to finally come true.
And now, the ring had become nothing more than a piece of worthless jewellery. A reminder of the lost love, empty hopes, and disappointments. The only thing that it had left behind was nothing but the void inside your chest, one that simply kept growing unforgivingly deep inside your broken heart.
Ten Years Ago...
"Happy birthday!"
You had no idea what to expect when your mother woke you up that morning in such a hurry to get you to open the door, but it certainly was not this.
Taehyung had been banging on the door all morning before screaming at the top of his lungs the moment you threw the front door of your house open, making you flinch back when you simply were not ready for it. With one hand rubbing away the sleep from your heavy-lidded eyes, you grouchily used the other hand to push him back out the porch while trying to make him shut up before your Dad would step out to see what the commotion was all about.
"Taehyung, what are you doing so early in the morning?" you asked him as you looked around, only noticing now that the sun had barely come up. No wonder your Mom had woken you up so urgently as if the house was on fire.
The moment you finally managed to take a good look at him, however, you could not help but laugh. The sun was only starting to come out on the horizon, its light shining from behind his back, yet it was enough to help you take a good glimpse of him properly and see what you have missed. Standing there on your porch, Taehyung was wearing an oversized—and a terribly worn-out—sweater over his sleeping pants, with his hair all dishevelled and a pillow mark showing on his cheek as if he had only gotten out of bed himself before rushing his way to your house.
A big grin formed on his face. "I just wanted to be the first to congratulate you," he said, opening his arms as if he was going to pull you in for a hug, only to stop himself and his smile faltering briefly. "Unless your parents have beat me to it." He had a worried frown on his face when he said this, making you laugh.
You nudged on his shoulder while shaking incredulously. "No, silly. I just woke up and nobody said a thing to me yet. I went down when Mom told me that you've been banging the door. I think you woke them up too."
"Oh, sorry about that," he said, smiling sheepishly while rubbing the back of his head. Though he quickly recovered and perked up with joy. "But at least that means that nobody had defeated me yet," his voice once again grew loud when he spoke, before adding, "Happy birthday!"
You rolled your eyes at him despite the fact that your cheeks were burning. "Yeah, yeah. Thank you," you simply said to him, waving your hand at him to make him stop before he would start waking all the neighbours up. Then your eyes fell on his hand, only noticing then that he was handing you something. It was a small box, wrapped in deep pink coloured kraft paper with a baby pink coloured ribbon placed on top. You raised your brows at this, wondering why he had specifically chosen those colours for you.
Not that you had anything against pink shade.
"What's this?" you eyed both him and the conspicuous box curiously but made no move to reach for it, so Taehyung just shoved the box into your hand and stepped back before you could hand it back.
"Open it."
You threw him a questioning gaze one last time before finally focusing on the box in your hand. Neither of you said a thing as you began to open it, though you could sense Taehyung growing a bit giddy beside you as he waited, and he became even more excited when your eyes grew wide the moment you caught the sight of what was inside the box.
"Taehyung?"
"Mhmm?"
"Why are you giving me a ring?" you looked up at him just as his grin grew wider, though you also noticed something else in his eyes—expectation, fear, relief—as he kept his eyes on you, watching your reaction.
"Remember what I promised you a few years ago? About what I'd do if one day I would beat you in our race and prove to you that I can be better than you?"
You couldn't help but smile when you remembered that day. And then your smile simply grew wider when you realised that he had just achieved at least one of the things he vowed to do—defeating you in a race. The town's marathon race, to be exact, which you had joined together last summer with Taehyung crossing the finish line way ahead of you.
Two years had passed since that silly little race that you had with him on the hill not too far away from your house, ever since he made the sudden vow that had sounded so silly it simply went over your head until the day he bought it up again while adding another—
"You're always better than me. Smarter, faster, and you learn things quickly. Next time, I'll defeat you not only in a race, but also in everything else. One day, I'll be bigger, smarter, and way more talented than you are so I can show you that I can be man enough for you."
It only had been two years, and yet Taehyung had begun to outgrow you, changing into this taller and stronger teenage boy now standing right before you. He might be lanky, still lithe compared to the other boys in your class, but he had shown you that he could be fast.
"I remember," you wistfully told him, before picking the ring up between your fingers to show it to him. "But I don't understand what this ring means."
Taehyung tilted his head briefly, taking his time to explain. "You did say that you don't want to date yet. Not until high school, at least," he said with a playful shrug. But then a shade of crimson began to grow on his face that he simply bowed to hide it from you when he continued, "But I did say that I will still ask you out when I've accomplished something, and I still want to ask you to—um, well, to promise that you will be with me, when the time comes."
Your own face started to heat up as you were listening to this. Added with a spark of joy that came bubbling from deep within your chest, you just had to bite your lips to hold back from laughing, despite how happy his confession had made you feel, unwilling to let him think that you were about to laugh at him when he was already so nervous about this.
"So, uh—what then? Are you saying that you are proposing to me now?" You could no longer resist letting the soft chuckle slip out of your lips when you asked him this. Thankfully, Taehyung had a smile on his face when he looked up at you again.
"No, dummy! How does that even make sense when I just mentioned that you won't be able to even date me before high school?" he said, laughing with you. Though he made a failed effort to scowl at you.
"No," he said, stopping to blow out a deep sigh to ease his nerves before continuing, "I heard some girls at school talking about getting a promise ring, so I figured—maybe I can use this ring to prove that I meant it, that I am keeping my promise to keep on trying to defeat you in every challenge you give me so I can show you that I am capable of protecting you as a man. Like—" he choked a little just before he added, "Just like my Dad."
Hearing him mentioning his father made you smile, and he returned it with his own, though it came with a hint of sadness in his eyes. "It's a ring to seal the promise I made for you. A promise ring."
You looked down on the ring in your hand before he gently peeled it away from you, taking your hand in his so he could slip the small jewellery through your ring finger. You watched closely in awe at the piece of jewellery, its rose gold band glowing under the rising sunlight, before the tiny diamond at the center sparkled under the light, capturing your attention.
"This looks expensive," you muttered softly, gasping at the sight of it before turning to Taehyung. Your best friend was once again rubbing the back of his head, though he was avoiding his gaze from you this time when he spoke again.
"I, uh—used my monthly allowance," he said with a low voice, and as his cheeks grew red, your chest grew tight.
You recalled how he had been keeping to himself a lot. You had rarely seen him buying food at school during lunchtime, telling you that all he needed was the sandwich he brought from home and some water. He would even avoid going out whenever he could, saying how he needed to study. If only you had known that what he had been doing was to save up.
All for this—
Knowing that his family had been struggling lately due to the fact that his mother had been sick from time to time while his father had to work like a machine just to pay the bills while taking care of his kids, it only made you feel guilty that he had somehow put you first. Before the guilt took over and made you pull the ring off so he could get his money back, Taehyung took your hand in his. He had his eyes on the ring for a brief moment before he looked at you, his voice turning wistful as he spoke,
"One day, once we're both older and once I'm strong enough to get some money of my own, once I'm way wealthier than I am today, I promise that I will replace this ring with something better. Something more expensive—" he stopped, making you quirk your eyebrows when his sly grin grew back on his face. Then he let your hand go so he could lift his own hands in the air, making a gesture resembling a big rock as he added, "And with a diamond this big—"
Both the guilt and the heat that had been rushing on your cheeks faded when you laughed at him. "Oh, come on! Are you being serious right now?"
"I am," he said to you as his grin turned into a soft smile. The look in his eyes became so intense, so serious, that he suddenly appeared way more mature than he truly was. "Of course I'm being serious," he firmly added without looking away. "When have I ever lied to you?"
Looking into his eyes and listening to his promise made your heartbeat start picking up again that you were left completely speechless. You were still looking into his eyes, wondering to yourself if you perhaps had been dreaming about all of this when your words just left your lips. "You know that I'm holding on to your words, right? Just be ready when I come back to remind you of this."
The smile that he gave you after made your chest feel warm, but it was his words that he gave you next which later made you feel hopeful, knowing that you had something great to expect in the future you had with him.
"I won't. I promise. I will never let you down."