Chapter 6 Mirroring
"Nov. 12, 2021, 11:50 a.m., Lietzensee Park: first analysis meeting with YU Teng.
Today's session proceeded in silence for 43 minutes. During this phase, a transmission took place from YU. I perceived the transmission. It was reflected back to me. In the following, the analysis will be in the form of a dialogue," Sam speaks into the voice recorder and puts the running device into his breast pocket.
YU looks at him with wide eyes. He doesn't quite know how to react now. Should he react at all?
Sam sees the uncertainty in YU's eyes and makes the first move:
"There are very old trees here in the park. Let's walk slowly and talk about our feelings. Direct your gaze to the trees. That will help."
YU nods and looks at the lake. The brown of the numerous leafless trees as well as the gray of the sky are reflected on the surface of the water.
On the other shore of the narrow lake, old houses are lined up.
With ornate facades, in the old style.
On the shore, weeping willows blow fine waves into the water.
YU is moved by the sight of the weeping willows.
The tallest trees reach high up to the rooftops.
The gray clouds contrast with the warm colors of the rooftops.
Sam sees YU's look and decides to start again.
"The waving branches belong to the weeping willow, they're here on this side of the river too. And that's where I live up there," Sam says, pointing his finger at the terrace of one of the old building roofs YU just admired.
And he manages to win YU over.
"That's where you live? Up there? With that view?" exclaims YU, visibly excited.
And Sam knows now that letting YU into his inner circle was the right thing to do.
How else will they be able to relate to each other?
He has to give YU something to get involved with.
He should trust him. Not just as a therapist.
"I'm just realizing something important we need to talk about," Sam says with his head turned to his breast pocket.
YU turns his gaze back to the landscape.
"YU, right when we first met, I was overcome with deep emotion. I found that you were transmitting something to me. I was so surprised that I was unable to make sense of my countertransference. I lost control and you caught me. That was the moment I decided to incorporate this new insight into the research project. The Sessions are not classical psychoanalysis. We will not stare into fixed roles.
You are a therapist, as well as a patient.
I am therapist, as well as patient.
The intensity of my emotions, reflected as a reaction, showed me that together with you I have to listen deeper inside me.
Even though shame got the better of us last time, in today's session it was your resistance," Sam says as he clasps his hands behind his back and walks along the shore with YU.
"I was too early already, waiting outside the door. The whole way from home to college, I was trying to calm myself down. I was excited and anxious.
Not my nature.
I was dreading the moment when I would catch sight of you.
When I saw you, I was no longer aware of my senses.
The sight of you caused deep sadness in me," YU says, hesitating for a moment.
"The sight of me. What do you associate with the sight of me?" asks Sam.
YU looks at Sam and says in a broken voice:
"Me!"
And with that, hits Sam right in the pit of his stomach.
He too, since meeting YU, recalls painful and longing thoughts of the roots.
"And when you put the blanket over me, the dam inside me broke," YU interrupts Sam's deep thoughts.
"I felt your pain. My body showed various symptoms of your sadness. I mirrored you," Sam says.
"It wasn't just sadness," Yu adds, "I felt deep anger because you covered me up."
Sam marvels for a moment and asks, "What does being covered mean to you?"
YU is silent for a moment as they walk. He looks at the thick tree trunks that have bulges in various places.
Suddenly he walks up to a tree and puts his hand on the cold trunk.
Sam follows him.
"I will and always will cover myself. Your gesture was met with resistance," YU says softly.
"You looked frozen through and I mirrored your pain and that triggered in me the need to warm you," Sam explains.
YU looks at Sam again. He smiles.
And feels a tingle in his stomach.
"Your warmth finally arrived. I was able to tame the angry voice inside me. And allow myself to be warmed by you.", YU's voice chimes softly.
Sam sees a change of mood in YU's eyes.
His gaze is soft and warm.
Sam feels invited.
Taken in.
Arrived.
So covering him up was his countertransference.
Purely intuitive.
Now he feels a tingling in his body and shakes himself briefly.
Lowering his head, he tries to take control of the conversation again.
"Through my mirroring, the moment of your transference becomes tangible to me. Now we must examine whether my counter-transference was meaningful. Covering you up seemed to show the deeper root of your sadness. Anger. Does that seem plausible to you?", Sam summarizes and looks again at YU, who is still feeling the balances on the trunk with his hands.
And Sam again feels the urge to warm YU. His cold hands on the cold tree worry him.
As he looks at YU's tender fingers, he hears YU's voice:
"Just stay you. Your company is enough for me as a counter-transference. I don't know if that sounds plausible. It's just what I feel."
"YU, it's only through conscious countertransference that we can go deeper," Sam explains carefully.
And reaps silence.
YU's resistance still echoes inside him.
His right to do so.
And Sam senses his own resistance, too.
He doesn't want to see YU struggle.
He doesn't want him to be sad.
He wants to know him.
To see him laugh. To be carefree with him.
And he doesn't know what that means. Where is the line in their collaboration? Is there one? Should there be?
They are not in a therapist-patient relationship.
He's just trying to gain his trust.
Sam ponders for a moment and finally says, "I'm sensing a resistance, too," turning off the recorder in his breast pocket and directing his decision to YU:
"Let's go eat. Enough for today. There are plenty of restaurants in Charlottenburg. What do you like to eat?"
YU briefly wonders about Sam's question and smirks, "What do you recommend?"
"There is a very good oriental bistro on Pästalozzistrasse called Karun. They have Persian and Arabic specialties there. I can recommend the lentil rice with grilled chicken skewer. We can walk there," Sam suggests, earning a beaming smile.
And Sam realizes that for the first time in his life he is interested in a real person.
Not a case study.
No theory.
No calculated behavior.
And Sam wonders if that's the feeling.
As he looks into YU's eyes, he wonders if that's the feeling of friendship.
And as YU's deep gaze captivates him, he wonders if that's the feeling.