Chapter 5 Resistance
The tentative knocking reaches Sam immediately. He opens his eyes and takes a deep breath, stands up and walks to the door.
The tingling in his body slowly spreads.
With his hand on the doorbell, he shakes himself briefly and finally opens the door. A friendly smile lines his face as he extends his hand in greeting.
And he catches sight of YU.
YU's heart skips a beat when he sees Sam standing in front of him.
He feels like his blood is escaping from his body. Each increased heartbeat pumps his blood out of his body.
He reaches out his ice cold hand and places it in Sam's warm one.
Bloodless, he feels Sam's warmth rise into his body.
He returns Sam's smile.
"Good morning, YU Teng." chimes Sam's deep voice while still holding YU's cold hand.
YU loses himself in Sam's eyes. He feels unable to answer. His inner restraints don't allow him any excuses. No lifeboat.
The longer Sam's warm hand holds his bloodless hand, the tighter his inner shackles enclose him.
The longer he looks into Sam's eyes, the more his senses leave him.
He feels himself leaving his body. Taking off. Watching this moment from the outside.
Sam looks into YU's eyes and sees his fading strength. As if YU has just seen a ghost.
His eyes tremble slightly, his ice-cold hand lies lifeless in his. He has fallen silent.
Sam decides to catch YU.
"Why don't you come inside? It's especially cold today. Warm yourself up." he says, pulling YU into his practice. Without letting go of his hand, he leads him to the therapy couch. Once there, he puts his other hand on YU's shoulder and gently pushes him down. YU sits down and feels the sudden emptiness in the places where Sam's hands were a moment ago.
He can't think a clear thought. A cold wave of sad feelings overtakes him. He is not willing to use his mind. Just lets himself be swamped. He feels the tears flooding inside him. With all his strength he holds back. Can't believe what's happening to him right now.
"YU, I will record our sessions and the subsequent analyses. The dictaphone is here on the side table. As you can see, I now have a therapy couch. You can lie down now," Sam says calmly, starts the recording and leans back on his chair.
YU looks at the voice recorder, turns his gaze back to Sam, and memorizes the image of Sam Lin in his chair.
A striking face with big, black eyes, full, smiling lips, black hair lying in wisps on his forehead. His blue shirt is tight against his torso. The first two buttons are open, allowing a glimpse of his fair skin. His Adam's apple lies still. YU sees the slow rise and fall of his chest. His strong shoulders hold his muscular arms. The blue tightens on his upper arms and loosens to his forearms. His large, warm hands rest on the arms of the chair.
YU's eyes linger on Sam's hands, finally taking in his black pants and white sneakers.
He returns his gaze to Sam's eyes. They look at each other silently.
Sam sees YU inspecting him and feels the shame rising inside him. As YU's eyes travel down his body, he feels embarrassment.
He lets YU have his way.
And he waits for YU to enter. He knows how important it is for the entry to come from the patient. The therapist has to wait. The patient's first thought creates the direction of the session.
YU closes his eyes and sees the image Sam Lin just stored inside him.
He cannot grasp any thought, any feeling inside.
He takes off first his shoes, then his jacket, lies down with his eyes closed.
Lying down, directs his inner eye to the memorized image.
Inside, he continues to observe Sam sitting on the armchair.
Silently.
Sam sees YU lying on his therapy couch. His delicate, long body takes up little space. His black, full hair lies in strands on the back of the couch. He is dressed in black. His arms lie folded on his torso. His feet rub his black socks together.
Sam grins. Never would he have guessed that a patient would take off his shoes before lying down.
Another flight home.
YU could just as easily have taken off his shoes at the entrance. In Asia, it is considered disrespectful to enter with shoes on. Even in schools the shoes are changed. Only with slippers do students move through the house.
YU seems to want to show respect to the session.
A warm, caring feeling rises in Sam.
He remembers the coldness of YU's hand and feels a desire to warm him.
And he knows he must bring this up in the analysis that follows.
Silently, he gets up, goes to his closet and takes out a wool blanket. He walks up to YU and gently covers him.
YU feels the warm blanket on his body with his eyes closed and holds his breath.
He listens to Sam's footsteps approaching his chair again.
And when he is sure that Sam is sitting again, a barely audible sob breaks out of him.
He can't help it.
His tears just flow down his cheeks. Drip onto his black shirt. Just keep going.
He feels his mind fighting back. His emotions are stronger.
Deep sadness suffocates him.
And he doesn't want to think about it.
He lies mute on the couch with his eyes closed, feeling the drops of water roll down his face. The warm blanket covers his trembling chest and his clasped hands on his upper arms.
And not even the inner image of Sam sitting on the armchair can offer him inner stability now.
The Sam Lin who, with his caring gesture, has made him break.
He feels a strong anger rising inside him.
'What does he allow himself? How impudent of him to cover me up here! I am not a child after all. He does not know me. He knows nothing about me. What does he allow himself?' YU thinks to himself, while his tears incessantly wet his face.
And the voice inside YU rants and rages while his body trembles and tenses.
Sam's eyes are wide open. He silently watches YU's reactions.
His heart tightens.
His stomach tightens.
He feels a lump in his throat that chokes him.
He notices all the physical manifestations of his body and knows that YU is transmitting something to him again.
He feels a deep pain inside him.
YU silently transmits his feelings.
And Sam is overwhelmed by his transmission.
He sees YU's tender body tremble and shake. Hears his breath silently hitch and sob. His tears flow out of him unceasingly.
'I can't do anything. As long as he doesn't start it, I can't say anything. My very presence can only be the counter-transference. I am there. Let him empty himself and make the beginning. I must not let myself be carried away by his transference. I must keep calm and stable,' Sam reflects, not averting his eyes from YU for a moment.
In the meantime, the latter has defied the screaming voice inside him. Inwardly he struggles for composure.
'Why are you so angry? I don't want him to cover me. I don't want him to see me. I want him to leave me alone. Such a gesture is totally inappropriate. I'm not a child. He should leave me alone. But he does. He just got you a blanket because you were cold. You don't have to get angry. Calm down. Can't you hear the silence in the room? There's only me. He lets me be me. Listen to the silence and calm down,' YU speaks inwardly with his anger.
Sam watches YU's breathing calm down again. The tears slowly seal.
The light streaming in from the window is reflected on YU's wet skin.
Sam feels his body relax again, too.
Only his throat remains constricted.
As if he has to force himself to be silent. He would so like to ask what is happening inside YU. Ask why he's sad. What has triggered him. But he can't take away YU's moment of opening up.
Clearly, YU is going through a resistance right now.
He is unconsciously testing Sam.
He subconsciously wants to check if Sam will stay by his side.
Whether he is worth just staying by his side.
Unconditionally.
Even if he just stays silent. For 50 minutes. For one whole session.
He'll wait.
Sam looks at the clock.
10:27.
He adds the 7 minutes YU came early. 16 minutes left in the session.
And he knows the therapist will end the session after 50 minutes.
No matter where they are.
No matter who is talking.
No matter how deep the feeling is.
It's his job to end the session.
To bring YU back.
The YU who by now is floating inside himself. A familiar feeling of inner isolation envelops him.
He lulls himself and floats. Does not let himself be taken in by any external stimulus.
Even though he senses Sam's presence behind numerous inner doors, he feels completely self-sufficient. Free.
His brain follows the command of his imagination and releases endorphins.
He feels a warmth rising within him.
A wellspring of warm feelings arises from within him and covers his entire skin.
He is enveloped.
Breathes deeply.
And opens his eyes.
The last drops of water roll down from the edges of his eyes.
And finally allow him to see clearly again.
He sees himself.
A warm blanket lies on him.
YU smiles.
"This is one of my favorite works by Klimt.
The tree of life.
I love trees. They give me peace.", YU breaks the 42 minutes silence.
Sam's expression brightens.
He hesitates and remains silent.
"Just the trees here in Germany have had this effect on me. Had it from the beginning.", YU formulates his thoughts while admiring Klimt's coloring.
"When did you come to Germany?" asks Sam in a low, quiet voice.
"I've been living in Berlin for eight years," YU replies.
"Then you're in the right city. Berlin is green and the trees are diverse.", Sam smiles and hears YU giggling.
Infected by YU's giggle, he grins widely.
"Did you know that every tree has a number and is officially registered?", YU expresses his amazement, giggling.
And triggers a loud laugh from Sam.
YU is infected and also laughs out loud.
He hits his stomach several times and struggles to breathe.
Sam's armrests have to serve.
He taps the armrests several times with his fist while he laughs freely.
Both laugh from the heart.
"I'm so happy to finally live here!" exclaims YU as he laughs out loud.
Sam feels his throat tighten again.
The liberating laugh finds its final way out of his mouth.
YU's call triggers something inside him.
Pain.
And he has to end the session now.
He clears his throat briefly and says, "YU, the session is over. Now comes the analysis. Do you feel up to it?"
YU slowly straightens up and sits down. He puts on his shoes and finally turns his gaze back to Sam.
His eyes are red and glazed. His cheeks flushed. His hair a little disheveled.
Sam catches sight of YU's face and he warms up.
As he notices and analyzes his own physical reactions, his cheeks flush as well.
He holds YU's gaze.
"I feel able to do this. Is it also possible to do the analysis in another place? Could we maybe go for a walk? I think the practice would have too big an influence factor.", YU asks.
And impresses Sam with it.
The practice should remain a protected space.
The meta-level analysis is ideal to be done in the fresh air in a dialogue while walking.
Sam smiles, "That's a very good idea. Let's go for a walk."
He stands up, gets his jacket from the coat closet, hands his jacket to YU, takes his voice recorder, and walks toward the door.
"Where are we going?" asks YU as he puts on his jacket.
"Of course in a place where there are many trees. Do you know the Lietzensee Park?", Sam answers crossing the threshold and suddenly falters from his own answer.
He wants to take YU to his park. He lets him in. Into his inner circle.
And suddenly Sam feels the urge to talk to his German father. Professor Dieckmann can surely explain to him that this is okay. Maybe even ideal for research. He should trust his mind and his intuition. Why does he feel such fear?
YU runs after Sam and smiles: "I don't know the Lietzensee Park. I actually only know the area around my apartment and the Humboldt University."
Before Sam can think, his lips form the next sentences he hears himself saying, "You've lived in Berlin for 8 years and you don't know all the spectacles yet? We have to change that. I'll show you the best parts of Berlin."
Sam sends out an inward scream. There's no such thing. What is he saying?
YU's cat eyes light up brightly.
"Well, if we're going to have the sessions three times a week, we must have a lot of places to go for analysis. I'm excited." he says, beaming with joy, "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for everything, Sam Lin.", YU calls after.
Sam laughs with raised eyebrows.
"Sam will do. And you don't have to thank me. We'll do research together.", he says to YU, who stands next to him and gives him a bright smile.
YU nods and follows Sam to his car.